Trying to break the cycle
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Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Texas
Posts: 341
Trying to break the cycle
Here I am again, I never left just went into lurking mode for the most part.
Trying to make it "Just for Today"
My AH has a long history of narc use for chronic pain that began about 4 years ago. He has worked his way up to Endocets, Vicodin, Lyrica, Xanax & Ambien.
He does have degenerative disc disease, rheumatoid arthritis and fibromyalgia and is in the process of trying for disability again. I don't argue that he has these conditions and at times has bad flareups but I honestly doubt he is in horrible pain 24/7 as his actions don't really feed that.
The issue is he will not take the meds as prescribed. He will binge on each prescription until he has none left then suffer till he can get the next script filled. He would begin that horrible habit of looking stoned, nodding off, passing out in his truck or the bathroom etc etc. He used to get "extras" from a so called friend but I don't think he does now after I found out about it.
I tried setting up the meds for him, he would find them, we even got a lockbox and he took it, claimed someone stole it then welded it open. At that point after kicking him out for awhile I took my hands completley off the meds and refused to pay for them. I work & pay the bills. So he had to work jobs here and there to purchase his pills. Funny how he can manage to do that.
So then he tries to get his friends to hold his meds for him. One friend did so and then after the first month stopped doing so because he was always getting asked for extras. Things came to a head around Thanksgiving when he blew off the family dinner because I asked him not to take any meds so that the family would'nt see him like that. Of course his version of the story is much different. I kicked him out, yet again, and evidently he ran totally out of meds and developed what he called the flu and I called withdrawels.
Then he got this second friend to hold them & told me he was quitting the ambien and Xanax because those were what was making him stoned acting. For about 2 weeks this seemed ok, he was staying in his son's room since the Thanksgiving fiasco and he got so sick that our son was begging me to let him in the house. And although I could tell he was on the pain meds his behaviour wasn't intolerable.
Well two days ago he gets a call from this "freind" that someone stole the lock box his meds were in. The "friend" filed a police report and AH tried to get the dr to refill them but was unsucuessful. I was working that day and when I got home he was telling me this, then I noted he was nodding off and called him on it. He got defensive and angry and stated he wasn't taking anything. I terminated the conversation because it is one we have had a thousand times before and there is never any results.
So the next day I check his drawer and sure enough, he went and got the Xanax filled. I had to work so I didn't say anything about it, that night he was nodding off at his desk (while trying very hard to appear that he wasn't) and then nodded off at the table and then dissappeared into the bathroom for two hours (prob sleeping in there) I check his Xanax bottle the next am and out of 60 tabs 17 were gone within a two day period. Now I feel bad for snooping because I am active in Alanon and know better.
So yesterday things came to a head yet again and I told him he wasn't married to me he was married to his meds and I was tired of being miserable all the time. So he is out of the house yet again, he stayed at a neighbors last night. Came over this am to get clothes, still somewhat stoned and very unkempt and left again.
I told our son that he dad had to leave because he is taking too many of his pills, poor kid knows how it goes. He didn't even seem upset.He loves his dad though and his dad works that to his advantage.
Baby steps eh? Sometimes you have to do things over and over until you can get it right. I just need to find it within me to handle it when he gets bad & sick and is begging for food and shelter. When he works on our son to get what he wants. I need to handle my fear of being alone at night with just me and the kids. I need to find within me some peace and serenity, to accept the things I cannot change and the courage to change the things I can. I feel like such a coward and a failure. I go to my alanon every week but haven't been working the steps as I should.
I don't even feel there is a me, I am just a source of money to those around me. I love my kiddos though and they are prob the only reason I am not in a psych unit. He is addicted to meds but I have been addicted to him and I am trying to break that cycle. Trying to see the reality that is before me, not the man he once was.
Just looking for support, this raw pain is hard to take, I feel like I am not supposed to ever be happy.
Thanks for reading,
Teggie
Trying to make it "Just for Today"
My AH has a long history of narc use for chronic pain that began about 4 years ago. He has worked his way up to Endocets, Vicodin, Lyrica, Xanax & Ambien.
He does have degenerative disc disease, rheumatoid arthritis and fibromyalgia and is in the process of trying for disability again. I don't argue that he has these conditions and at times has bad flareups but I honestly doubt he is in horrible pain 24/7 as his actions don't really feed that.
The issue is he will not take the meds as prescribed. He will binge on each prescription until he has none left then suffer till he can get the next script filled. He would begin that horrible habit of looking stoned, nodding off, passing out in his truck or the bathroom etc etc. He used to get "extras" from a so called friend but I don't think he does now after I found out about it.
I tried setting up the meds for him, he would find them, we even got a lockbox and he took it, claimed someone stole it then welded it open. At that point after kicking him out for awhile I took my hands completley off the meds and refused to pay for them. I work & pay the bills. So he had to work jobs here and there to purchase his pills. Funny how he can manage to do that.
So then he tries to get his friends to hold his meds for him. One friend did so and then after the first month stopped doing so because he was always getting asked for extras. Things came to a head around Thanksgiving when he blew off the family dinner because I asked him not to take any meds so that the family would'nt see him like that. Of course his version of the story is much different. I kicked him out, yet again, and evidently he ran totally out of meds and developed what he called the flu and I called withdrawels.
Then he got this second friend to hold them & told me he was quitting the ambien and Xanax because those were what was making him stoned acting. For about 2 weeks this seemed ok, he was staying in his son's room since the Thanksgiving fiasco and he got so sick that our son was begging me to let him in the house. And although I could tell he was on the pain meds his behaviour wasn't intolerable.
Well two days ago he gets a call from this "freind" that someone stole the lock box his meds were in. The "friend" filed a police report and AH tried to get the dr to refill them but was unsucuessful. I was working that day and when I got home he was telling me this, then I noted he was nodding off and called him on it. He got defensive and angry and stated he wasn't taking anything. I terminated the conversation because it is one we have had a thousand times before and there is never any results.
So the next day I check his drawer and sure enough, he went and got the Xanax filled. I had to work so I didn't say anything about it, that night he was nodding off at his desk (while trying very hard to appear that he wasn't) and then nodded off at the table and then dissappeared into the bathroom for two hours (prob sleeping in there) I check his Xanax bottle the next am and out of 60 tabs 17 were gone within a two day period. Now I feel bad for snooping because I am active in Alanon and know better.
So yesterday things came to a head yet again and I told him he wasn't married to me he was married to his meds and I was tired of being miserable all the time. So he is out of the house yet again, he stayed at a neighbors last night. Came over this am to get clothes, still somewhat stoned and very unkempt and left again.
I told our son that he dad had to leave because he is taking too many of his pills, poor kid knows how it goes. He didn't even seem upset.He loves his dad though and his dad works that to his advantage.
Baby steps eh? Sometimes you have to do things over and over until you can get it right. I just need to find it within me to handle it when he gets bad & sick and is begging for food and shelter. When he works on our son to get what he wants. I need to handle my fear of being alone at night with just me and the kids. I need to find within me some peace and serenity, to accept the things I cannot change and the courage to change the things I can. I feel like such a coward and a failure. I go to my alanon every week but haven't been working the steps as I should.
I don't even feel there is a me, I am just a source of money to those around me. I love my kiddos though and they are prob the only reason I am not in a psych unit. He is addicted to meds but I have been addicted to him and I am trying to break that cycle. Trying to see the reality that is before me, not the man he once was.
Just looking for support, this raw pain is hard to take, I feel like I am not supposed to ever be happy.
Thanks for reading,
Teggie
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by Teggie 
I need to handle my fear of being alone at night with just me and the kids.
What is it you fear at night?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Texas
Posts: 341
I fear someone breaking in. We live in a "mostly ok" area but there have been recent roberies. So I sleep with my car keys and cellphone. I wake up to every noise.
I am very Codependant, another cycle I am trying to break.
I am very Codependant, another cycle I am trying to break.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by Teggie
I fear someone breaking in. We live in a "mostly ok" area but there have been recent roberies. So I sleep with my car keys and cellphone. I wake up to every noise.
I am very Codependant, another cycle I am trying to break.
I am very Codependant, another cycle I am trying to break.
Given his health problems and addiction, not sure what good he would be, anyway. Could this be just another one of those excuses we make to maintain the status quo?
Have you considered a dog?
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Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Texas
Posts: 341
Your absolutley right ya know. And I won't use that as an excuse. I'm doing ok actually, been doing the things I need to do. As they say in Alanon "Fake it untill you make it"
We do have a dog, a little 4 pound chiquaha named Sugar & she is fierce! She will bark at anything.
I just need more faith in myself that this is the right thing to do.
When you've lived with an active addict who is telling you things over and over you do, at some point, begin to doubt your own sanity. Somewhere along the way I lost myself, now I am going to try to get it back.
We do have a dog, a little 4 pound chiquaha named Sugar & she is fierce! She will bark at anything.
I just need more faith in myself that this is the right thing to do.
When you've lived with an active addict who is telling you things over and over you do, at some point, begin to doubt your own sanity. Somewhere along the way I lost myself, now I am going to try to get it back.
Member
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Northen Europe and France
Posts: 1,657
Hi Teggie and welcome.
I understand your fear and pain. I used to be a drug addict and when I got sober, I married one, probably in order to "save him". It didnīt work, but I learned a lot in the process.
I know from my own experience that when we crave for drugs, other people donīt matter. The will to stop has to come from us. And we cannot save someone else. We can only influence people through our own behaviour and attitute. This is what I believe.
Sanity is one of thing I began to doubt when I was stuck in my marriage, so I started to empower myself one step at a time. I read books, went on a self-defense course, started a group. Iīm not saying you need to do all that, obviously each person is different, but it really helped me.
Youīve reached out to us here and that is a big step out of isolation.
Keep us posted and be safe. My thoughts are with you.
I understand your fear and pain. I used to be a drug addict and when I got sober, I married one, probably in order to "save him". It didnīt work, but I learned a lot in the process.
I know from my own experience that when we crave for drugs, other people donīt matter. The will to stop has to come from us. And we cannot save someone else. We can only influence people through our own behaviour and attitute. This is what I believe.
Sanity is one of thing I began to doubt when I was stuck in my marriage, so I started to empower myself one step at a time. I read books, went on a self-defense course, started a group. Iīm not saying you need to do all that, obviously each person is different, but it really helped me.
Youīve reached out to us here and that is a big step out of isolation.
Keep us posted and be safe. My thoughts are with you.
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
hi, welcome
when i read that you are somewhat afraid sometimes, i thought about myself. when my ah left home, i remember being terrified at night with just me and the kids. i have 2 dogs that bark whenever anyone they don't know come toward the house so i had to learn to rely on their barks. for the longest i had to continue to remind myself of that and as time went on, i got better.
my ah had convinced me and everyone who know me that i was crazy, so i do understand what you are going through. i think you are doing what is best for you and your kids and it may even be whats best for your ah.
i'm a ra and it took for my family to let me hit my own bottom and find my own way back up before i was ready to seek help for myself. today i'm a few yrs clean and grateful to my family for stepping back and focusing on themselves. you and your family are in my prayers
when i read that you are somewhat afraid sometimes, i thought about myself. when my ah left home, i remember being terrified at night with just me and the kids. i have 2 dogs that bark whenever anyone they don't know come toward the house so i had to learn to rely on their barks. for the longest i had to continue to remind myself of that and as time went on, i got better.
my ah had convinced me and everyone who know me that i was crazy, so i do understand what you are going through. i think you are doing what is best for you and your kids and it may even be whats best for your ah.
i'm a ra and it took for my family to let me hit my own bottom and find my own way back up before i was ready to seek help for myself. today i'm a few yrs clean and grateful to my family for stepping back and focusing on themselves. you and your family are in my prayers
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Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Texas
Posts: 341
Thank you all, it's good to communicate with people who know where I am coming from. My Alanon group is great & it is prob the reason I am as sane as I am.
I know down inside I am not crazy, but he has this way of somehow twisting things around to where he is the sane one and I am a crazy lunatic.
I know this is the way it has to be, for my sake, I have been so unhappy, bitter and frustrated for so long I don't know how to feel otherwise.
Just hope I feel better soon
I know down inside I am not crazy, but he has this way of somehow twisting things around to where he is the sane one and I am a crazy lunatic.
I know this is the way it has to be, for my sake, I have been so unhappy, bitter and frustrated for so long I don't know how to feel otherwise.
Just hope I feel better soon
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
Hey there Teggie,
As you know, Al-anon is all about YOU, and working the steps to a better YOU. But I felt so isolated from "regular" people when mine relapsed on drugs (not alcohol) that I felt like I needed to go to Nar-anon.
No matter which, the steps are the steps, and isn't is funny (sad funny not ha ha funny) that sometimes you find yourself way back at step 1? But it happens to most, if not all, from time to time. I think your head is in a pretty good place, considering. And your new cyber friends are here for you
As you know, Al-anon is all about YOU, and working the steps to a better YOU. But I felt so isolated from "regular" people when mine relapsed on drugs (not alcohol) that I felt like I needed to go to Nar-anon.
No matter which, the steps are the steps, and isn't is funny (sad funny not ha ha funny) that sometimes you find yourself way back at step 1? But it happens to most, if not all, from time to time. I think your head is in a pretty good place, considering. And your new cyber friends are here for you
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Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Texas
Posts: 341
Still hanging in there, I have been keeping myself busy so I don't dwell on the could haves, should haves, would haves etc. Waste of time.......
I get to watch what I want on TV, no walking on eggshells, no waking up with a feeling of dread as to whats going to happen today. . No watching him nod off or pass out. No trying to keep things quiet and suffer silently full of anger, sadness and frustration. No wondering how much did he take tonight? Or what med is he binging on now?
I am beginning to feel something I haven't in a very long time...peace.... I still feel pain, loneliness, doubt, fear and anger. Theres still alot of stuff that is going to have to be dealt with and it won't be pleasant. Part of me just wants to let it all go and not worry about it. But just for today I can take my time and not let these things rule my life.
Alanon tomorrow night, shopping with my mom on Tuesday, and chore catchup on Wensday before I head back to work. I don't have the time, the energy or the inclination to worry myself into a hole over how all this will work out because I know my HP has it for me & he'll show me the way.
Baby steps....thats all it takes, I'm trying, really hard.
Hugs,
Teggie
I get to watch what I want on TV, no walking on eggshells, no waking up with a feeling of dread as to whats going to happen today. . No watching him nod off or pass out. No trying to keep things quiet and suffer silently full of anger, sadness and frustration. No wondering how much did he take tonight? Or what med is he binging on now?
I am beginning to feel something I haven't in a very long time...peace.... I still feel pain, loneliness, doubt, fear and anger. Theres still alot of stuff that is going to have to be dealt with and it won't be pleasant. Part of me just wants to let it all go and not worry about it. But just for today I can take my time and not let these things rule my life.
Alanon tomorrow night, shopping with my mom on Tuesday, and chore catchup on Wensday before I head back to work. I don't have the time, the energy or the inclination to worry myself into a hole over how all this will work out because I know my HP has it for me & he'll show me the way.
Baby steps....thats all it takes, I'm trying, really hard.
Hugs,
Teggie
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Texas
Posts: 341
Evil evil thoughts.
Wonder if I oughta call his doc and tell him he's prescribing to an addict?
Bet his legal supply will diminish eh?
But no, I need to not be a part of it and let the consequences occur. He'll mess it up himself, eventually.
Uggh gotta clean this house, been at work all weekend and the kiddos have taken over & it shows.
Seeking peace, he showed up this am completley gorked out and I told him to get out and not ever set foot in this house stoned. I got one of those "Your crazy" looks as he staggered out the door.
I plan to have a talk with him at some point when he runs out of pills for him to move out of the shop out back where he has been lurking and move in with someone else. I just can't in good conscience force him off the property all together until he has had a chance to make arrangments. God help me I know I should but I just don't have that much cruelty in me. But today I thought, what if he never gets sober enough to talk too? What then?
Although my intolerance with the whole situation is prob going to force me to do it anyways.
Hugs
Teggie
Wonder if I oughta call his doc and tell him he's prescribing to an addict?
Bet his legal supply will diminish eh?
But no, I need to not be a part of it and let the consequences occur. He'll mess it up himself, eventually.
Uggh gotta clean this house, been at work all weekend and the kiddos have taken over & it shows.
Seeking peace, he showed up this am completley gorked out and I told him to get out and not ever set foot in this house stoned. I got one of those "Your crazy" looks as he staggered out the door.
I plan to have a talk with him at some point when he runs out of pills for him to move out of the shop out back where he has been lurking and move in with someone else. I just can't in good conscience force him off the property all together until he has had a chance to make arrangments. God help me I know I should but I just don't have that much cruelty in me. But today I thought, what if he never gets sober enough to talk too? What then?
Although my intolerance with the whole situation is prob going to force me to do it anyways.
Hugs
Teggie
aka Miss Scarlett O'Hara
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 364
Hey Teggie ~ I'm glad you chose to write on here again. I remember reading your initial posts because it was so similar to my situation. Similar mix of meds and chronic pain issues etc. Your ah is right in one respect, it is the xanax that "gorks him out" as you put it. My abf was abusing his meds and I didn't even know it until he went on xanax. That was the start to some bad bad times. I did tell his doc that he was abusing his meds. I'm not sure if that was right or not, but it was out of control and he runs our business so I needed to do something. His doc (who is a psychiatrist who specializes in addiction and also pain management) took him off the xanax. He was depressed for a while, but it made a HUGE difference. He still abuses his other meds, but he's not so messed up like he was before. He could probably still hide it from me if I weren't now aware of the problem.
Anyway, I can tell that you have gained some clarity since you posted last. I don't really hear the panic in your post, but someone who has gained a sense of understanding that will lead you to making the right decision for you.
Take care~ JT
Anyway, I can tell that you have gained some clarity since you posted last. I don't really hear the panic in your post, but someone who has gained a sense of understanding that will lead you to making the right decision for you.
Take care~ JT
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Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Texas
Posts: 341
Hey JT, it's good to "see" you! Just wish our circumstances were better. Went to Alanon last night, it came up that AH is out of the house. I was asked what led to that & I said that I had a boundry, he broke it, repeatedly, and I acted on it. I did what I said I would do.
We talked about faith, it was a good meeting.
Off for shopping!
Hugs!
Teggie
We talked about faith, it was a good meeting.
Off for shopping!
Hugs!
Teggie
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