What I see......
 

While my abf was walking out the door this morning..... I stared at him. I know he is doing pills again. I thought about things for two hours, and wrote this down. Just had to get it out. I wonder how many of us can relate to this kind of feeling. Here it goes, "What I see"



I see you, the one who is selfish and self absorbed, doing all the taking and none of the giving.

I see you, bringing tears to my eyes, rather than joy to my heart.

I see you, critical of others; failing to see that it is yourself that needs the fixing.

I see you, sarcastic and quick tongued, rather than funny and lighthearted.

I see you, procrastinating, then blaming others when your day gets filled with obligations that should have been handled long before today.

I see you expecting, demanding, and operating under a sense of entitlement, while refusing to do for anyone other than yourself.

I see you, complaining instead of praising.

I see you, tired and worn out; letting life pass you by, rather than being the life of the party.

I see you, as an enemy, who attempts to manipulate my truth, as opposed to my friend who used to respect my feelings.

I see you, the liar; who stares into my eyes and speaks falsities, believing that you are fooling me, when you are actually only fooling yourself.

I see you, a person who preys on my vulnerabilities, rather than cherishing my open, loving heart.

I see you, empty behind your eyes; expecting everything, and everyone to fill your void, instead of taking responsibility for your own despair.

I see you, assuming no accountability for your actions, yet holding those around you to a standard that is never good enough for you.

I see you, ripping away peoples self-esteem, in a futile attempt to build yourself up,- to deflect from your own mistakes, to suture your own inadequacies.

I see a man who I don’t recognize. I see a man that looks like you, only different. I wish you could see what I see, but you don’t. I see what you have become, rather than what you used to be, or could be. I see you, I won’t lie to myself anymore. I see you, and what addiction has brought you to. I know I didn’t cause this, I know I can’t control this, I know I can’t cure this. I know I CAN see this. I will choose to see reality rather than what used to be.

Our codependency is rooted in a desire to control others usually offset by a lack of responsibility for ourselves and our own feelings. It's convenient because then, we hold someone else responsible for our feelings and outcomes.

Cessy how do you see yourself?

so true. so sad.

((Cessy))

I'm sorry, but I'm not surprised. I hurt for you, because I've been there.

Sweetie, he's not going to do anything as long as he doesn't have to. He's got it made...do what he wants to do and come home to you. Sorry to put it so bluntly, but I'm looking at it from an A's point of view.

I would have LOVED to be able to have a home to come home to and still used. I had to be on the streets, with now XABF as we spent every last dime on crack. If someone had let me come to a home and keep using, you darned right, I'd have kept doing it! It's what we A's DO!

It's not something we do TO you...it's really not. In all honesty, it has nothing to DO with you. We are so self-absorbed, searching that almighty high, that escape from reality, that we can think of nothing or anyone else.

It's not something we can just quit and be done with. I will have 3 years clean in March, and it's been a process for me to get clean. Sure, I put the crack pipe down at one time and never picked it up again, but my mind? That's a whole different story. I had a lot of codie issues intertwined with my addiction and until I addressed THAT, my recovery didn't even BEGIN!! I am JUST NOW to a point where I am feeling good about my life, and that's despite being broke as he!!, facing job hassles and other things....3 years, sweetie! I don't know if he has codie issues, but more than likely, he has issues that go along with his addiction he needs to work on!

I'm telling you this because I don't want to see you like me...waiting 20+ years, like I did with the first XABF, thinking it would get better. IT didn't get better.

At some point, your peace of mind has to come before everything else. I'm am facing losing my job and insurance because of a lawsuit I have against workmen's comp for not addressing the PTSD I have due to the robbery I went through over a year ago. Ya know what? I FINALLY, after over a year, let it go. I'm TIRED of stressing, I'm TIRED of worrying about what's going to happen. I KNOW I'm doing the right thing and that there is a plan and that things will work out...they always have, though I couldn't see it until hindsight.

At some point, I "got" that life is too short. I can live my life, hoping that someone else will change and make me happy, or I can take that leap and find happiness in myself. I may have to go through a period of being really uncomfortable (and I have, believe me, I have!), but I got through it. It looks like I will go through a period of unemployment, or searching desperately for a job!

If a dr. were to tell you that you had 6 months to live tomorrow, would this be how you want to spend the last 6 months of your life? Again, I'm not trying to be harsh, I'm really not...I just hurt for you and I don't want you to repeat MY past.

Love, hugs, and prayers!

Amy

I've said that to my daughter in the past, when telling her to leave during a relapse. Enemies want to destroy us or don't care if it happens. Who has the power to save you, cessy?

I remember reading something similar you wrote, back when, and it was the begining of a change within me as to how I viewed my daughter's addiction.

My reaction to addiction now is closer to my reaction to a cancer. There is saddness, not anger......cause it's not about me.

I can relate. The sad thing is they don't hear us. They have to "get it" on their own. I don't think my XAH will ever get it. I have recently accepted that he may die. We had a perfect life except for the "junk". I have seen him actually start losing his mind. I really miss the guy I know he could have been.

Cess,

I agree with the others. He doesn't have to change. He has it made. The only change that will happen is with you and your actions. I'm sorry he's back on pills. It was bound to happen though, he's not ready and wasn't in recovery with the subs.

Sigh... I'm sorry Cess.

I've written the similar and have shared it with my xbf and it does no good. He never understood... he was never able to put himself in my shoes ... to see all the pain that *his* addiction causes.

I agree with the replies and that he has no reason to pull himself together. I mean - he still has *you*... but the thing is.... as he knows it from prior experience.... he still uses AND has you! Even though you are unhappy and not feeling good in the relationship - he still wants to make it work. But why? Really - deep down... why? That is what I would ask myself when it came to letting go of my xabf. Why would either one of us want to try to rescue this sinking ship when it's STILL filled with tons of water! None of the water is being let out~!!!! It's sinking whether or not I stress or don't stress; cry or don't cry; scream or don't scream.

I just told my xabf...... that there is no way that we could be together again.... TOO MUCH WATER ....... and also - I just will end up hurting him. In order for him to really get his life together - he has to do it himself and w/out me telling him what *I* want. He has to find and get what *he* wants..... and I am doing the same. For too long now - our lives... MY life ... had been revolved around him using, maybe using, is he using?, is he lying?, phew he's not using, what if he does use? etc. I'm over it. I know that there are answers to how to have serenity with a user/alcoholic.... I just wasn't able to implement them without costing myself and my boys major damage.

That was a bit of a ramble... *thinking of you*.

xo

I am totally in the same "too much water" place. I wish I had gotten out LONG ago - partly for all the obvious reasons of what I put up with and that he needs to hit bottom. But also partly because if I had not have stayed through so much I might be more likely to be able to go back IF he ever gets things straight on his own; now I don't think it would matter how wonderful he was - I just can't try anymore.

(((Cessy))))

I see progress in your post. I know others who have progressed much further in their recovery might not see it but I see it. You are looking at him without the rose colored glasses and see that he is not who he was or who you would want him to be. Each time you have taken him back it was because you were seeing him not as he is but as he was. Our recovery is sometimes made with baby steps so small they seem invisible to the naked eye but I think every step towards recovery should be applauded.

cynical, as soon as I read the first line I knew you were flipping it around. It's almost verbatim what my daughter has said to me in the past. For what it's worth, when I've been out of control or doing the passive aggressive thing, my daughter has looked at me as the enemy too.

Everything posted here is a reminder to keep working on myself. Thank you.

Wow Cynical, great post! I thought I was the only one who obsessively does this...

see you, not knowing how to just relax, always cleaning, always picking up, things needing to be perfectly clean at all times.

I have been reading over Cess' post for a few days now. Wanting to say so many things but not really knowing how to say it without sounding too harsh or not understanding but still wanting to drive home the point that its NOT about Cess.

Thank you Cynical for what you wrote. Exactly what is running through my mind but unable to come out just quite right.

I have learned in my recovery that the same things I have tried to control in my RABF are the same things that are wrong in my own life. When those old thought patterns come up I reflect and turn it around on myself. I ask myself what am I missing in me that I can so easily find fault in others with whatever they are doing that I DONT APPROVE OF???

It is so true that when you finally hit your bottom and change your thinking that YOU yourself have played a role in this and that YOU yourself have work to do.....

And some will defend their stance and say "but their abusing DRUGS for crying out loud." But what we fail to realize is that this is their path, their way, their ability to live exactly as they see fit. It is not our job to try to redirect their paths, make them feel the pain we feel by looking at them with disappointment, becoming frustrated with their desicisons, and just plain angry cause they arent getting with the program.

The biggest lesson that I have learned in this journey is that a lesson learned is learned well when learned ALONE. The consequences of someones actions speak louder volumes then any loved one screaming at the top of their lungs that they are destroying themselves. You can apply that to ANY life situation.

Oh, Cess, I'm sorry....
I'm not going to jump on the "let's pound on cessy 'til she see's the light" bandwagon. I'm just going to offer a hug and a prayer and hope that you will soon decide what is going to work best for your happiness.
My best, HG

Great post Cessy. I agree, you are not seeing things through rose colored glasses anymore. This is a step forward in your recovery. (I could have written that post, as many of us probably could've about our addicted loved one.)

Also, love Cynicals post. My exAH said many of those same things to me. His addiction drove me to most of them. Insane and unhealthy, I was then, and I'm almost ashamed I treated him so bad, regardless of his actions. I didn't have any compassion then as I had battled this for years. I'm starting to find compassion again.

You're making progress, Cess. Keep working on you and the rest will fall in place!

I'm almost ashamed I treated him so bad, regardless of his actions. I didn't have any compassion then as I had battled this for years. I'm starting to find compassion again.


I feel the exact same way. The pure hatred, disgust that I felt. It overpowered and consumed me. It was uncontrollable.

Lots of good info here Cess. You doing ok??

Cessy

Your post could have been written by me this past week in regards to my "trying to recover?" AD. I have found myself judging, and critisizing everything that she is doing the past couple of weeks, and I totally understand how you feel. On the other hand Cynical's post could have been written by my daughter. The other night I apologized to her for the way I had been treating her. I really don't have any right to tell her how to live her life. Although I see what drug addiction is doing to her, I also see what drug addiction is doing to me. And it is not a pretty picture on either side of the fence. Here is hoping that all of us that are stuggling with this, (the addict and the family)find the peace that we so desperately need and want.

Gotahavfaith