coffeedrinker

I think your rage is a great sign, Cessy. Please keep us updated - I know many are pulling for you and caring about you

cessy68

I think P*** is acceptable.... lol.

I am not p****D at all, however, I was p****D for a quick minute when I first read that... and then I realized why I was angry. Not at you, not at your (incredible) composition, but for the reality of it all. It gave me the opportunity to verbalize what I truely feel like. In addition, I think that if I were to react accordingly, (in this manner to him) the relationship might end quickly.

See, that response is typical of me....but only in tiny little bits and pieces. Usually, one of those paragraphs might come flying out of my mouth to him during conversations, but he is extremely manipulative. Most times I walk away with my head spinning, wondering how he was able to twist my words, divert the subject at hand, etc.

I think I will re-read what I just wrote over and over.... and try to understand that if this his (in my opinion) twisted thinking........ then this is MY reality and I have some work to do.

Thank you for the prodding and probeing.

Very, very, useful and insightful.

I'm glad you didn't give up!

Love,
Cess

Abundance

Yeah... knowing our truth... for certain! It's what keeps me strong C and C. My x is really good at turning it around and then I don't know what I'm standing behind. It's exhausting.

Cess- good idea to keep reading what you wrote!

In the end, I had to make a point to not share any of my insights with him... what I think - what I see. And if I do, I get remarkably annoyed with myself - because it doesn't have a good outcome. I end up losing site of my truth! I have also come to realize that we both have our own truths... and as much as I don't want to accept his - I can't expect him to see or accept mine. But that doesn't mean I cloud up mine to smooth it over. It also doesn't mean my truth isn't accurate. In my truth, I at least can see his truth - just not accept it. The man can't even see my truth! Frustrating - so why even bother?

Really good thread Cessy.

bluebelle

This has been a really good thread. It's good to see you being so honest. I was talking to my psychiatrist last week. I told her about how I was still worried that RABF might go back to using drugs. I told her how scared I got that he would return to that lifestyle. I also told her about how upset I was that he didn't seem to be going back to a "normal" life with normal job, etc. I told her how I wanted some stability in my life, and I wasn't sure that I had that with him.

She asked me if I had talked to him about this. Had I told him this directly? I tried to tell her that any of these conversations end with him getting angry and saying, "It's always about codeine. Why do you always bring up codeine," etc. Maybe she's right. Maybe I do need to be honest with him about what I need.

I think this brings us back to your thread. Shouldn't we be able to be honest with our boyfriends about what we need? If we feel that we can't ask them for what we need, or that we shouldn't ask them, or that they won't listen anyway...how will we ever get what we need?

I'd like to be able to ask for what I need in a reasonable conversation. I seem to criticize him for not doing what I think he should. I'd like to learn how to be less critical, while still being able to openly state what I need out of a relationship. Does that make sense? There has to be some non-codie balance between trying to change others, and trying to figure out what we really need for us.

Impurrfect

(((Cess))) - I DO see progress in you! It used to amaze me, how my XABF could do something so wrong, yet in the end, I would end up apologizing and feel guilty? What a manipulator!!!!

I love ((Cynical's)) post, as well as your response to it. My favorite part is where you say you're just "not into it, or you, any more" I think it still took me a little while from when I actually SAID that to whenI DID something about it, but it was a turning point.

When I read ((Cynical's)) post, I had the same reaction I had to the book "An addict in the family" - hey, wait a minute...I wasn't ALL of those things. No, I wasn't, but I was a LOT of them and I truly believe, had I continued to use, I would have been all of them.

Keep posting, sweetie. If I hadn't posted all MY codie issues here, and gotten the feedback I did (not always what I WANTED to hear, but apparently what I NEEDED to hear..sometimes over and over and over), I wouldn't be where I am today, and I still backslide. Luckily, today I recognize it a lot faster.

Love, hugs, and prayers!

Amy

cessy68

Well hello SR friends, thanks for the imput. Abs, thanks for continuing to help others, your posts are an inspirations to me.

Cyn one, thank you for 'last nights lesson'. I will keep reading that, as I said.... and will hopefully get something out of it. I want you to know, that I was indeed thinking of this thread, as I ran around today, like a chicken with my head cut off! lol. Wrapping presents/cleaning/shopping/vacumeing the car/cooking/laundry/.... and I have to work tonight till 3 a.m. I decided to reflect on my post with you, if I begin to get aggitated w/ the abf. I will choose to do these things, (so that when my daughter gets home friday from college)I will have the two weeks that she is here free and clean of 'household/holiday obligations'. I choose to do these things so that I can enjoy her and the other kids throughout the holiday, rather than rushing around last minute. I have to remember through all of this, that this is my choice, not his. I have to remind myself, that if he is not participating.... (in my crazy preperations), that he has that right. YET......... during this hectic time, I WILL allow my adult partner, to DO HIS adult things, and NOT allow him to rely on me. This alone will be progress for me..... just calmly telling him that I just don't have the time..... (to do his laundry, iron, make HIS coffee) etc. Thank you again.

Blue, I agree w/ your post-- especially what you said about finding non-codie balance. There is a definate difference between letting your partner know about YOUR needs, vs. trying to manipulate/control another person. ..... such a pain. Don't you think that sometimes relationships just SHOULD NEVER be this much work!? hugs.

Amy, Thank you for letting me know that you see some progress here........ I feel better knowing that I am making a little push forward. I hope that verbalizing not being 'into it/you' will also materialize in real life as well...............

Everyone has been so kinds, patient, and loving. I can't thank you enough for the support. You are all in my thoughts daily.

Love,
Cess

cessy68

P.s.... (fyi) I really do know how to type/speak properly, but as USUAL, I'm always so rushed, that I just bang out my responses and hit send without proof reading.........lol.

Love,
Cess

Impurrfect

(((Cess))) - I'm with ((Cynical)) again...I'm proud of you. I had to tell myself "you get what you tolerate" about a billion times before it sunk in. Not just in my relationship, but in life, in general.

When I realized that I had a CHOICE, as you say, of doing/saying/reacting it empowered me. Took me quite a while to GET there, and lots of baby steps, but I hear it in your posts...you ARE getting there.

BTW, I think relationships ARE work, but they're not THAT much work. My 16-year-old niece and I used to fight like crazy - she was angry, rebellious, spoiled rotten, etc. I spent a LOT of time on the codie thread, ranting about her, asking for advice. I took baby steps, figured out what worked what didn't. She's not an A (yet...but she's definitely got the potential and teenage behavior is a lot LIKE addict behavior-"me, me, me!!")

Today, we have an awesome relationship. Dad says I'm her favorite person. I know it's not the same as a male/female relationships but I had to go through the same stuff..set boundaries, decide what was worth standing my ground about, what to let go. She knows 3 things about me: I won't lie. I will tell her when I don't like something she is doing, why I don't like it, but I won't nag. Whatever I do, I do out of love - she can get as mad as she wants...get over it. I found out the same rules work with my dad, and my stepmom, who still has a tendency to abuse her meds.

I spent decades, holding in my feelings, or denying them. Today, I realize there IS no relationship when I do that. I can't expect anyone to respect my feelings if they don't know WHAT I'm feeling. Thus, I can't really be angry at them when they go on their merry way, doing whatever they do. It didn't keep me from being angry and frustrated for a long, long time, but I just don't want to feel that way any more.

Keep on doing what you're doing, sweetie...you're getting there.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy