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Old 12-04-2009, 09:01 AM
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rozied
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Hi

It's been a long time since I posted. My AS has been in jail. Finally noone would help him get out. He maxes out Dec 25th ( Christmas Day ). He sounds alot better and I am praying he makes it this time.
The reason I am here today is my 36yr old son. He is addicted to weed. He makes decent money but never makes it to his next paycheck cuz of his habit. He gets pd every 2 wks. He always wants to borrow money because of his habit. He does pay me back but thats not the point. It is such a waste of money. Money is very hard to come by in this economy, but I have a very hard time saying no to him. I get so angry I wind up crying but then I give in. It makes me so mad at him & myself. My hubby & I are both live on a fixed income and it is hard just getting by. How can I get stronger & say NO since that is what I want to say.
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Old 12-04-2009, 09:15 AM
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Well shame on him, a big ole 36 year old baby borrowing $ from his parents cause he cannot manage his own money. People, especially family members, treat others as their personal ATM machine because they can.

Repeatedly lending him money to bridge the gap between paydays, achieves one thing....he expects you to bail him out of his problem.

Whenever I have a problem with the NO word, what works for me is to remind myself that NO is a complete sentance. If I venture just one word beyond NO, I open the door to negotation and we all know where that leads.

No need to rationalize, justify, get into his business or your own financial situation. One word, NO, will achieve your goal.
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Old 12-04-2009, 09:31 AM
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He knows all of your buttons, doesn't he? My son does too. They will charm, intimidate, and flat out lie to get what they want from us. It is abusive. They use our love against us.

Just as he is the only one who can overcome his addiction, you have the power to stop the cycle of abuse. I know it's hard. I'm in week three of a no contact with my 28 year old son. I too can be charmed or intimidated.....although I won't give him money....I give in to other demands or simply put up with listening to his raving, crazy talk.

For me.......no contact is the only way I can maintain my sanity. Until he decides (if he ever decides) to change his life, my life must go on without him in it. It's hard. I love him. But I don't love the addiction.......and right now, they are one in the same.

gentle hugs to you today
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Old 12-04-2009, 09:33 AM
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grateful rca
 
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hi rozied, glad to hear from you, try not to stay away so long next time. good to hear that your son is sounding better and i really hope he makes it this time too. as for your other son, maybe if you take a little closer look at how your other son's addiction progressed and how it has effected you,him and the rest of your family, it might be a little easier for you to take that step back with this son too, before he gets in any deeper.

you know that if he really wants to continue his drug use, even if you don't give him money, he'll still find a way to get it. i think, at least you may feel a little better if you don't have to feel like you are contributing to his addiction. maybe if you decide to say no to him, he'll choose to monitor how much he does spend on pot. well its jmo.
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Old 12-04-2009, 05:45 PM
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I like the suggestion NO is a complete sentence. If that doesn't work, just let him know you are having a hard time making ends meet on your fixed income and you just don't have it right now. Sorry.
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Old 12-07-2009, 04:23 AM
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rozied
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Thanks everyone. I wish it was that easy. As everyone knows when an addict wants money they don't let it go at no. They bug you & bug you. Then he always pays me back when he gets paid & I hear " I always pay you back, why are you makling it so hard for me yada yada yada " He doesn't seem to understand even if he pays me back the money is still going down the toilet.
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Old 12-07-2009, 06:26 AM
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Rozied,

Just an idea. I don't have problems saying "no"!, but I DO have a problem with likeing prettyyyyy shoes... so, I deposit my money into my account, and ripped up the ATM. When I want those shoes, I can't just pull out cash out of my wallet. I can't just swipe my card. Sure, could I go to the bank and physically withdrawl the money??? yea, but it's a heck of a lot harder; this certaintly enables me to say NO to myself.... and keeps my spending in line.

Perhaps you and your husband can do this with your money. Then, when your son asks you for it, you simply can say NO because you don't have it... (or access to it). It may just be the little help you need to learn how to say no.......

Love,
Cess
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Old 12-07-2009, 06:40 AM
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I don't know how to tell you to say no, I guess that has to come from you. I do agree with the post that "NO is a sentence" and I feel that once you do start doing so make sure to be consistent so that he learns he can longer use you. I don't have much experience with this sort of thing beyond the fact that I have watched my exabf's mother give him so much money it would make your head spin. He would use any trick in the book usually saying that his family needed it or that his kids needed something. The irony is that our kids nor I ever saw that money. Hundreds upon thousands of dollars she had given in hopes that it was going to help us went to support his addiction. I couldn't understand why she would give it to him still even after her and I spoke because I told her that we were broke all of the time. The thing is that they are good manipulators and they DO know how to push our buttons. He would literally harass her all day until she caved and even pin her and I against each other so we would both be in the dark over what is going on. I know that you cannot stop your son from using but you do not have to allow yourself to be dragged down as well. You deserve better than that and I sincerely hope for you and your husband's sake that you do find the strength to do what is right for you.
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Old 12-07-2009, 06:50 AM
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What helped me say no to my son (or anyone asking for money, like charities on the phone) is "I'm sorry, I have no money". When they persist, "I'm sorry, I have no money".

We don't have to tell them why, we don't have to tell them anything. That phrase keeps it about me, "I'm sorry, I have no money".

People don't hound people who have no money for long

Hugs Rozie, and prayers for your boys.
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Old 12-08-2009, 04:57 AM
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rozied
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Thanks Everyone. I will just work on saying NO!
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Old 12-08-2009, 11:07 AM
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So great to hear from you!!

missed ya!!

I can relate to having that hard time saying no - I think what helps me is that me saying no allows them the opportunity to find another way.

Maybe, hopefully but God's unfailing Grace - that other way could be the way to recovery some day - I know that it doesn't always happen that way - I said NO to my dauther and on the 2nd of this month she celebrated 7 months sober. I said NO to my NOW ex husband and he is spiraling out of control.

Sometimes NO is a very loving thing Rozie - not only for you but for them too!!

I love Ann's suggestion of "I have no money" that's kinda hard to argue with!

Wishing you and yours God's very BEST!!
HUGS,
Rita
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Old 12-08-2009, 12:44 PM
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Talk about money~~I was the one that handed it out weekly to my son. Rent~truck payments, etc......till I went to therapy. I was so worried about the drug addiction that I told Chris~~my counselor told me "No more money"..I will not support your habit at all..He hasn't asked me for anything since. You really have to mean what you say...and I know you don't want him doing anything stronger, do you?? I was really glad to see your name here kiddo. I miss you around. Smiles, Bonnie
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Old 12-13-2009, 05:19 AM
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rozied
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Thanks everyone. The younger one is 36 now & I am not worried about him doing anything stronger cuz he has been that route already & stopped. He stopped everything else 5yrs ago when he became a single dad. He works steady, has a good job, pays his bills & is a wonderful father. He is a very anxious young man & claims it calms him down. I KNOW he doesn't need it but until he comes to that decision I know he won't stop. I just don't have anymore money to lay out. I WILL do as you all advise & just refuse to even loan him any money. My nerves are getting shot from the stress of always being short.
Bonnie thanks for the input. I have told him no before & he stops for a short while but then he starts asking again. I am 62 now & tired of it all. My hubby & I deserve better.
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Old 12-13-2009, 05:42 AM
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Cool

I'm with Ann on this one.....

"...We don't have to tell them why, we don't have to tell them anything. That phrase keeps it about me, 'I'm sorry, I have no money'..."

This is exactly why we say that "No" is a complete sentence, but if you don't particularly like the 'slight' prevarication at the end, you can change it ever so slightly to.....: "I'm sorry, I have no money to give you."

.....and that's the absolute truth. Alothough you may have the money, you do NOT have the money to give to him..... (o:


NoelleR
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Old 12-13-2009, 11:25 AM
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Hey Rozied

I sure do agree with Ann on this one. I just flat would say "NO!"

By saying no you would be helping him learn to manage his own finances. Besides that, you will showing him that you do not condone the use of drugs and certainly will not finance them!

Just say NO!

Hugs, Devastated
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Old 12-13-2009, 02:59 PM
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rozied
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Thanks Everyone, I will say no.
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