Testing testing 1...2...3

Old 12-02-2009, 09:44 PM
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Testing testing 1...2...3

I'm still in a no contact scenario with my AS (since November 14th when he went wiggy in front of his 4 year old son in my car). I feel like I'm being tested constantly. Text messages. Phone messages. My dang codie behaviors. And the grapevine.

Now I have heard (this is where the grapevine comes in) that he was arrested last week for driving without a license and no insurance.

We recently had a terrible tragedy in our area....four police officers gunned down while having coffee at a local coffee shop. Evidently my AS told the mother of his child that they deserved it because they destroy people's lives.


I was dumbfounded when she told me this. It is so upsetting. Who is this person? I didn't raise a son to think (much less SAY) such terrible things. It scares me to think that he actually verbalizes these thoughts. What happened to my sweet, gentle happy child? He has become a very sick young man.

I just want to cry.

Sorry. I'm having a bit of a pity party, aren't I.

Tomorrow will be a better day.
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Old 12-02-2009, 10:33 PM
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grateful rca
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sorry you are feeling sad but try to stay strong. i know its hard but remember your son is not who he really is right now, maybe its his addiction talking and thinking those terrible things. you know his actions has nothing to do with the way you raised him. to me, he kind of sound like he is reaching a bottom, i'm praying it will be sooner than later. i am so grateful that my family did the same for me, if they hadn't i honestly believe i'd still be using, in jail or dead.

i think you are helping your son more than you might think and doing it by helping yourself. btw, i heard on the news about those 4 policemen who were killed. that was too sad, i said a little prayer for their families. now i'm praying for you and your son.
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Old 12-03-2009, 04:02 AM
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Hi Kind Eyes. I remember thinking those same thoughts about my son - Who is this person? I'm sorry you are feeling so down about it. Try to remember that it is perfectly all right for you to NOT know everything that is going on in HIS life. No contact can also include not getting daily/weekly updates from his son's mother. You are allowed to ask her to NOT talk about him to you. You aren't HIS savior, and you aren't HERS either. You have every right to just take care of yourself right now, especially while you are feeling so vulnerable. Remember, you are trying out new behaviors here (no contact) for yourself because you don't have to live in sadness any more. It's up to you, one day at a time, to choose NOT to hear about HIS woes that day. Please be gentle with yourself and allow yourself this gift. Turn him over to his HP and enjoy the choices YOU are making for your own life. And enjoy that little grandson, too! Peace and hugs, girlfriend.
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Old 12-03-2009, 09:08 AM
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Back when.....I was consumed with knowing anything and everything about my daughter. I drove myself to borderline insanity.

Letting go was the best gift I have given myself. It keeps on giving.
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Old 12-03-2009, 05:32 PM
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I'm feeling better today. Last night was just a low.......

Thank you for your kinds words and thoughts.

I'm working on letting go and letting God.....and one day (sometimes one minute) at a time.

I feel like I've backslid in my own recovery. That means I have some work to do, doesn't it.....on ME.

gentle hugs
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Old 12-03-2009, 10:23 PM
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get it, give it, grow in it
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Detach with love my friend.

Only when he gets sober and in recovery will you get your guy back.

Detach and be patient.
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