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Old 12-02-2009, 08:26 AM
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Omg

I can't even believe what I am about to write, but I just have to write it or I am going to go insane. I may go insane anyway. My AS has been clean off of Heroin for 1 1/2 years, in a methadone maintenance program. He developed a problem with abusing Xanax in the past year but has been off of that for the last few months (since August). Things were going great for him....finished an internship at a local hospital, got a great paying job at another one, he's been working there almost a month and doing sooo well, it was amazing and felt like a gift from God, I thanked God and the universe every single day for helping him turn a new leaf and get his life together.

You all probably know where this is going right? Two nights ago the suspicious behavior started, went to the 'store' and was gone for a few hours, came home was sniffing and acting like he used to when on the Xanax....GREAT! I always know when he starts this **** he just keeps going and going...not realizing how he looks to others when under the influence. We had it out last night, saw the crushed up Xanax on his desk and we had the usual deny, only did 3 coz someone gave them to me, etc.... Well, this morning he was acting dopey and sluggish, I'm sure a lot of you know the look. I told him he should just call off work today and spend the day thinking about the horrible choices he is making and does he really want to screw up this wonderful chance at a new start. He of course insists he is 'just fine' and 'I dont' know what you are talking about'....went to work and I just now get a call from him that he doesn't know why but they are going to do a random test on him....still doesn't seem to get it even when the consequences are staring him in the face. OMG, this is sooooo disappointing and to think that just two days ago, I was on top of the world, looking forward to him getting his first big check and getting out on his own finally (he is 24 btw).

He texted me and I told him he is going to have to find another ride home coz I refuse to leave work to go get him. And that if he loses this job, he better find a rehab because that is where he is going. This is just devastating, and I know it's 'his' problem, but it is mine also as now I get to face the embarrassment of my family, who were all soooo proud and happy for him getting this job. There are only two hospitals in this area run by the same system, so no chance in the future to even get a job around here again...

What now???!! My husband is going to be crushed...we both had such high hopes. He had said if he screwed this up that he would have to leave the house....I hope he chooses rehab...
Pray for us please
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Old 12-02-2009, 08:32 AM
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He wants me to bring him his clean pee that I guess he put in the freezer?? wtf!!
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Old 12-02-2009, 08:36 AM
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HB,

I'm sorry for the disappointment you are feeling. Try, try, try to remember this is his life, his choices, his addiction. Great job not leaving work to go pick him up, again it is his problem, let him deal with it.

I know how hard it is, my son is 29, doc is opiates. He spent December of 08 thru July 09 homeless in shelters - then checked himself into rehab (short stay) and has been at a recovery house since late July 09. He has 6 wks left of approved stay - I pray he is working on the next right step.

Do you attend AlAnon or NarAnon? It is really been helpful to me to get face-to-face support as well as reading alot here. Step away from the addict, set your boundaries and let him live with his decisions.
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Old 12-02-2009, 08:37 AM
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I feel like I want to throw up
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Old 12-02-2009, 08:40 AM
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I haven't attended Naranon, I'm not real comfortable around strangers and pretty private...I do need to try it though. It's hard to step back when they are in your face, this needs to be a turning point for him to get some real help. The fallout when my H finds out is going to be tremendous...
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Old 12-02-2009, 08:41 AM
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Not able to concentrate at work anyway....this is so bad, he has student loans that are just starting repayment that we co-signed for...we can't afford the payments either....
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Old 12-02-2009, 08:52 AM
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((hurt))

i hate so much you are going thru this - it is painful to see our children make this horrible heartbreaking choices.

I too have watch my daughter go thru several rehabs, several sentences in jail, losing custody of her children, etc. It seemed like she would never hit her bottom - If missing spending Christmas with your children and your family didn't do it what would?????

She continued on her downward spiral for several more yrs.

I am grateful for Al-Anon, SR, my recovery family and the God of my understanding that helped me take care of me during that time and helped me learn what was best to do and NOT to do during her active years.

Please do see if you can find a meeting - I know it's hard to break the thoughts of keeping things private - but I do believe the meetings help.

HUGS,
Rita
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Old 12-02-2009, 08:58 AM
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I've turned my cell phone off and I'm shaking wondering what is happening...how do I not care. My sister included thanks for his new job in the Thanksgiving prayer just last week. How do I tell them this..how?

I guess this is where we wash our hands of him, I don't know how...

I wish he would have heard one word I said last night...I think he snorted Xanax before going to work, I wish he would have just called off like I told him to...I wish, I wish
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Old 12-02-2009, 09:07 AM
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hurt
this is not your fault, and we can talk to them and tell them until we are blue but they make the final decision and right now his disease of addiction won........

I know how this part feels very well........and I am sorry your going thru this

you have no reason to be ashamed or sorry.........
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Old 12-02-2009, 09:17 AM
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You tell your family very simply that your son is an ADDICT. That this is what addict's do when they are not COMMITTED to recovery YET.

This is not your fault. This is not a 'reflection' on you. He is an ADULT. This is a 'reflection' on him and one that he will have to pay the consequences for. IF he loses his job, so be it, then he loses his living with you also.

BTW if there are no or only a 'few' Naranon meetiings in your area, then look for Al-Anon meetings as there are usually many more of those than Naranon. I either you will find others who are going through what you are or have gone through what you are going through and who also were reluctant to share their 'troubles' with strangers.

Or you and hubby can try some one on one counseling with an addiction and co-dependency therapist who will also understand. By calling your County Health Department you can probably get some referrals of therapist that work on a sliding scale.

Now take a DEEP breath. Hold it for a slow count of 10. Then exhale. Do this 10 tens. Repeat as necessary. I know it sounds silly, but it does help. Slows the heart rate, slows the racing brain, and brings a bit of calm during times of stress.

Know that we are here for you, and are walking with you in spirit.

Love and hugs,
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Old 12-02-2009, 09:22 AM
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Thanks for talking to me, I need someone to talk to. Sitting here at work trying to act normal when I want to jump out of my skin. Doing the breathing exercise right now....
There is a nar anon meeting in my town tonight at 7:30...don't know what the rest of the day will bring, but I think I just may go..
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Old 12-02-2009, 09:37 AM
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There is an old saying, "you made your bed, now lie in it".

Until he realizes the full consequences of his choices, he has no reason to consider an alternative. Consider it a gift to allow him the dignity to do so.

One of the most challenging things about addiction, for me, is detachment, separating my own well being from that of my daughter's choices, regardless of what those choices are, good and not so good.

It is not possible to be embarassed for something you did not cause, cannot control or cure.

Takle the focus off your son and let him deal with the consequences of his choices. Sleeping in a homeless shelter is a good start.
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Old 12-02-2009, 09:40 AM
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keep breathing honey -
if you can - try to make that meeting - I truly believe it will help you - even if you just hear that you have other people in your area that have experienced similiar things as you that are available if you need help.

Repeating the Serenity Prayer also helps:

God Grant me the Serenity
To accept the things I cannot Change
The Courage to change the things I can
and the Wisdom to know the Difference.

And even when that feels like it is too much to say - I can just focus on the words:
God, Serenity, Courage, Wisdom

HUGS,
Rita
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Old 12-02-2009, 09:44 AM
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I'm so sorry. I know that panicky feeling all too well. BTDT many times. You feel like you want to run, scream, beat something or SOMEONE! But you know what? It always passes. You'll get through it and come back down to earth. I hope this is a lesson to your ds and if he gets out of this situation, I hope it scares him enough to learn from. Many addicts relapse. It happens, but it's so hard to deal with it when it does happen. It's like trying to stop a freight train.

Deep breaths and again I'm sorry.
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Old 12-02-2009, 09:46 AM
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Our prayers are with you. Please try to get to the meeting tonight. It will help you keep your sanity. I am not good with strangers either, however, at the meetings I've been to you don't have to talk if you don't want to. I've gained a lot just by listening and reading the material.
Those who care about you will not judge you because of your son's actions.
This is not your fault. Remember the three Cs -- You did not Cause this, you can not Control it, and you can not Cure it.
Your son is an adult. The fact that he is storing "clean" urine, tells me that he knew this was coming.
We have all been there and we're here for you!
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Old 12-02-2009, 09:57 AM
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That's true about storing the clean urine p4s. I didn't think about that. He was planning his relapse and now he's expecting his parents to be that net when he falls. I'm so sorry for the panic you're going through. Know that you're not alone.
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Old 12-02-2009, 10:10 AM
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sorry this has happened and i know how much this must hurt but i agree, you have nothing to be embarrassed about, this has nothing to do with you. your son made this decision and seems like he may understand that there are consequences. it shows by him storing urine, as sad as this may be, it happens. i know saying this makes it no easier for you but know that we are still here for you.

i pray that you decide to go to that meeting, sometimes they have helped me by just being in the mix and listening. i was always told, the times that i really didn't want to go to a meeting, was probably the time that i really needed to go. maybe there is where your hp can speak to you about your situation even if its through someone else who shares about theirs. i pray that this is a lesson learned for your son and he finds his way back on the right track. you and your son are in my prayers.
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Old 12-02-2009, 10:37 AM
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Oh (((Hurt)))
I know first hand the feelings you are experiencing.

My son is 24 also, and currently continues to stay in his addiction. He's made some improvements, but not solid decisions...yet. I still have hope.

A few things I want to mention (none of which will solve anything)

I've had to come to the painful realization that he does what he does because he's an addict. I first thought acceptance was admittance, but after time learned that I had to accept addictive behaviors and not let it blind-side me when he did things that addicts do (like relapse, make poor decisions, lie etc) It doesn't paint a prettier picture, but it does allow me to not get my expectations too high, which will often lead to disappointment.

I also have learned that I am not alone, and either are you. I'm from the same area as you and each year, unfortunately, I hear of another victim of addiction. Many of the people I feared would learn "our secret" are now experiencing the same pain as you and I. Its not a moral or character defect, its a disease and its reached epidemic proportions with our young adults. When they will choose to manage this disease no one knows, but I do in my heart believe they can.

And last but not least, you are not responsible for him, his decisions (good or bad) or for helping others to come to grips with the reality of addiction. We have enough on our plate trying to understand ourselves.

I will be thinking of you and your family

(((Hugs)))
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Old 12-02-2009, 10:37 AM
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Originally Posted by Hurtbad2505 View Post
I haven't attended Naranon, I'm not real comfortable around strangers and pretty private...I do need to try it though. It's hard to step back when they are in your face, this needs to be a turning point for him to get some real help. The fallout when my H finds out is going to be tremendous...
I am so sorry and my prayers go out for all of you.

As said above, none of this is your fault, you have nothing to be ashamed of including your son. He struggles and one day may finally grab the brass ring, and doing what you are doing is the best thing for him, to let him face the consequences to his actions.

Please try a meeting tonight, you may be surprised that each person there will respect your privacy and you only share when you are ready. You can just listen if you want. My first three meetings I couldn't share because I just sat there and sobbed. And the people there passed me tissues and gave me hugs...and hope.

Hugs
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Old 12-02-2009, 10:40 AM
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Thank you, thank you, thank you all! Wow, this stuff is crazy-making. Still don't know what the turn out will be..I have a feeling he may have gotten his girlfriend to bring him clean pee. How in the world he expects to get it off of her and past the testing people, I have no clue.

I do pray this is a wake up call for him no matter what the outcome, I KNEW when he went to work today that there was NO Way someone wasn't going to notice his behavior..he thinks he is acting 'normal' and tells me I'm crazy to say he is not.

I think it was a divine coincidence that the meeting close to me is tonight...I'm planning to go
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