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Old 12-04-2009, 09:00 AM
  # 81 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by sojourner View Post
did you go to that Naranon meeting you talked about earlier?
Sorry to admit I didn't get to it, went home and ate dinner that night and passed out on the couch while I was waiting for the time to leave...I never woke up that night until after 11 and was soo mad at myself for missing it, my body must have needed the rest though after that uber stressful day. I will go next week come hell or high water..
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Old 12-04-2009, 10:10 AM
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As a side note to what you are going through I hope you removed the 'clean' urine from the freezer and flushed it and are now checking refrig and freezer daily.

He is trying to 'manipulate' you with his words and you are seeing through it. GOOD FOR YOU!!!!!

I can honestly and truly tell you that the best thing my parents EVER did for me was to shut the door on me and go No Contact. They told me it was my problem and I had to fix it they could not. They hung up if I called. Shut the door in my face if I came to their house and would have called the cops if I stole from them. It took me 2 1/2 more years, the last 1 1/2 living on the streets, but many years later I am still able to say:

IT WAS THE BEST THING THEY EVER DID FOR ME. I just regret that they waited so long to do it, as I was 33 1/2.

I know this is hard for you. But if you do not take care of yourself to insure your own peace, serenity and sanity you won't have a you.

Know that we are walking with you in spirit.

Love and hugs,
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Old 12-04-2009, 01:19 PM
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Sorry for all you're going through. Please be very careful where your mother is concerned. I think, for her own protection, it is important to explain what is going on. I had to do this with my 84 year old mom. She was constantly giving my son money to do work for her; somehow the work never got done. She is in early dementia and is easily taken advantage of. I have had to hide her valuables, bank account info, credit cards, checks etc., from him. If your son is not stealing yet, please consider the possibility of this, and protect your things as well. I know it's hard. I never expected that my son could do the things that he has done.
And don't worry if he threatens that you will never see him or hear from him again - he is just trying to make you feel bad for setting your own boundaries. You are on the right track - stay strong and continue!
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Old 12-04-2009, 02:01 PM
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You really are not alone, You have to rid yourself of the guilt, you have done all you can and hopefully your son will pick himself up and get back on the right track.
my thoughts and prayers for you and your family

from another mom of a "sometimes" recovering addict
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Old 12-04-2009, 09:58 PM
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hurtbad,
how are things going now?

sounds very painful - i know that we can get wrapped up in their successes (feeling good) as well as their failures! i felt like i was kicked in the stomach when my husband relapsed after a year of sobriety, then it was a long road to realizing that it wasn't about me!

i don't understand where the syringe comes in if he is on methadone. anyone?
is he shooting the methadone, or stopped taking it and went back the the h?

i think you have already decided, but i would not allow him to stay til the first. i would also not wait for a u.a. to come back, but i guess you're past that now?

may i ask how the gf got his clean pee from your freezer? she has access to your house? or maybe it was hers....hmmm
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Old 12-05-2009, 10:46 AM
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Originally Posted by coffeedrinker View Post
hurtbad,
how are things going now?

sounds very painful - i know that we can get wrapped up in their successes (feeling good) as well as their failures! i felt like i was kicked in the stomach when my husband relapsed after a year of sobriety, then it was a long road to realizing that it wasn't about me!

i don't understand where the syringe comes in if he is on methadone. anyone?
is he shooting the methadone, or stopped taking it and went back the the h?

i think you have already decided, but i would not allow him to stay til the first. i would also not wait for a u.a. to come back, but i guess you're past that now?

may i ask how the gf got his clean pee from your freezer? she has access to your house? or maybe it was hers....hmmm
Thanks for caring Things have calmed down with him, (not me though, I'm still disappointed and mad as hell) he came down from his Xanax high and was sick sick sick to realize what he had done. He really doesn't realize what he looks and acts like when he is on that stuff, he thinks he is perfectly normal and can't understand why other people say he is slurring and acting high. It's bizarre really.

I believe he shot heroin with the syringe, and yes I'm 100% sure he is still going to the methadone clinic and getting his dose. I don't know enough about it to be sure, but I think since he has been reducing his dose, you actually can get high on the heroin??

Ok from what I can tell, he had frozen urine in his gf's freezer, how they got it passed the testing people, I have no idea. He must have saved some right after he took his pre-employment test and obviously was planning on getting high at some point (I think it was pot up until the last episode with the Xanax) not that it matters.

He says he will be out in two weeks, not doing rehab...but if he loses his job I don't see where he plans on getting the money to move...not my problem I guess. If he doesn't lose his job, I am just praying that this was a wake up call for him and he will finally do the work he needs to do to stay sober and work some kind of program instead of just doing it himself and the monthly groups he attends at the clinic.

He knows where the NA meetings are...he's been to them before...pray that he goes again..
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Old 12-05-2009, 02:06 PM
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Originally Posted by Hurtbad2505 View Post

He said if I want him out the house I can forget about seeing or talking to him ever again, have a nice Christmas because you won't be hearing from me.

Given his deadline is a week before Christmas, no doubt, he'll kick it into high gear. Be prepared for anything and everything.
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Old 12-05-2009, 04:07 PM
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Deep down he knows he is playing with fire. Not sure what his job occupation is at the hospital but he has NO business being around patients in any capacity while in active addiction. I don't think this is a wake up call. It will take more than this and he needs a rehab. The best outcome for him is to flunk the urine screen and go to rehab. Because one can lose a job, one can't regain a life and he sounds really out of control. He needs to be in a monitored program after rehab to stay clean. Rehab might save his life.

As far as meetings go... I am an addict so I go to NA and AA and it has taken me about 9 months to feel comfortable in them, I am very very private and I don't open up to strangers with my vulnerabilities. But once I swallowed my fear and my ego and my pride I became more comfortable.
Losing a job is sad but not the end of the world, and he has to come to the decision of where HIS bottom is although it saddens you and your hopes and expectations for him... he has to make the change. My thoughts are with you and my prayers with him that he finds help.
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Old 12-05-2009, 06:19 PM
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hurtbad,

it is very easy to see things through a distorted glass, but i'm on the outside and i think it is crystal clear that your son has no intention of hearing the call at this point. he doesn't seem to get that he's already out of control, has said he won't do rehab, and has not changed his actions regarding using. he might as well come out and say "i'm good just like this" cuz that's what his actions are saying.

i am not trying to be hurtful; i just think you might have some blinders on a bit.
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Old 12-11-2009, 01:56 PM
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Hi everyone, wanted to post sooner, but nothing would post for me.

AS has agreed to get treatment, whether it is so we will let him stay or because he really hit bottom with the loss of his job and relapse on H...I don't know. I know he has been staying clean for the last week or so. Man, I just don't know...so far it looks like all he will be able to do with his insurance is an outpatient program, one that will support him as he weans off his methadone (which he says is his ultimate goal). I shudder to think of what will happen ... anyway, we have agreed to let him stay if he does the program and meetings and stays clean of course.

I have a question though...he has asked me to keep his debit card so he won't have immediate access to it. I thought it was a good idea at first, but geeze...you are 24 years old, shouldn't you have to at least be responsible for your own money? The reason I am ok with it is that he owes student loans (that we have co signed for, so they have to be paid), and the little money he has left will probably last a couple of months of payments. He 'says' he will be working again soon... I don't know...still sick and tired most of the time, though I try every day to give him up to his HP and stay out of the way...
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Old 12-11-2009, 03:07 PM
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When's he going to treatment? That's good news he's agreed. Of course... the follow through is where addicts usually screw up. The road to hell is paved with good intentions and all that jazz.

How do you know he's clean right now? Did you drug test him or something? Being clean is not the same thing as recovery. It's usually just a relapse waiting to happen. Or a lie.

RE: the debit card. At 24 I used to give my mom money to hold onto for me - to put into her savings account so that I wouldn't have access to it. I needed her help to save money for a trip. I followed through on my end the bargain, so she followed through on hers.

It's up to you mom. Give it chance and if it doesn't work then give it back to him and tell him he's on his own - totally on his own. Youll know soon enough whether he's committed to staying clean.

In the meantime, are you doing anything for your own recovery, so that, if necessary, you'll be strong enough to follow through on the boundaries you have drawn? How are you going to distance yourself from his problem and let your little boy grow up to be a man and face the world on his own?
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Old 12-11-2009, 08:41 PM
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First of all, I am terribly sorry that I acted like a know-it-all and said it was obvious he didn't want to get clean right now. It's definitely what I read, but anyway. For your and his sake, I truly hope he is sincere.

Secondly, I think it is ok to recognize your triggers and your weak spots. If yours was chocolate, would it be alright to ask your neighbor to keep your husand's treats at their house, for him to run over and get anytime he wanted? That's how I see it. If, however, if he changes his mind and wants his card back, you probably surrender the control at that point because it is no longer consensual.
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Old 12-12-2009, 08:21 AM
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Given you are the co-signer on his student loans, taking control of the debit card is collateral to mitigate your own financial risk. I would think of it as an automatic deposit, common in many financial transactions.
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Old 12-13-2009, 07:57 AM
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there may be a thin line between enabling and helping, so if your son needs help regarding his money, I don't think thats too musch to ask. addicts to need all the support you can give while they are helping themselves. Just my opinion
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Old 12-13-2009, 11:17 AM
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Hi Hurtbad

I read your posts and while I was reading them, I was also living them! I felt your pain and disappointment. I knew exactly how you were feeling when you were at work trying to look and act normal, while inside you were a complete wreck.

I knew how part of you wanted to rush home and get that clean urine to him. I knew exactly how you were feeling while waiting for the next shoe to fall. Waiting for that call from him saying he lost his job!

OMG, does it ever end?

I guess the answer is yes it does but only when we decide enough is enough!

I've been through this so many times. I know what it's like to feel your heart sink when just the day before you were so thankful that he was doing well. I know what it's like to think "wow, he finally saw the light" just to be kicked in the stomach again the next minute.

All I can say is there will come a time when you just have to throw up your hands and turn it over to your HP. There isn't one damn thing we can do to make them tow the mark. I know how disappointing it is when they pick up the old habit. I guess the best way to protect ourselves from this is just not to expect too much. I know you're always disappointed, but not surprised!

I pray your son will get back on track soon.

Did he end up losing the job? If not, I do pray he heeds the warning of what will happen if he tries this again.

Prayers & hugs, Devastated
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Old 12-14-2009, 07:36 AM
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Thanks for the responses everyone, I actually went away for the weekend with my husband and spent some much needed time with my daughter who lives away at college right now. It does my heart good to see the 'normal' child and spend some 'normal' time with her. I do try hard to count the blessings I do have in my life and not guage my own life by the bad choices AS makes. I have pretty much threw up my hands and work every single day to give him up to his HP and stay within my own hula hoop (I love that). I think that is why I was second guessing keeping his debit card for him, but I really do need to make sure these student loan payments are made, so for now I will do it. He actually told me to take it with me when I left for the weekend and from what I can tell, he spent the weekend at home and no sign of any using at all. I tend to feel bad for him because he really has no 'clean' friends to speak of...one or two who are like him in that they are 'clean' most of the time, but you just never know when they are going to flip. He recognizes that he needs to isolate himself from these people, whether he keeps it up is anyones guess.

He has an appointment at a Gateway Rehab (outpatient) today, a job interview tomorrow. He did lose his job btw, passed the drug test but they let him go anyway. That has been the hardest thing for me to get past actually. I had really thought when he got this job and actually made enough money to get out of the house and build a productive life, that was what was going to happen. I guess if you want to hear God laugh you can tell him your plans right? Doing better today at not thinking I know more than his HP where he needs to be right now and separating his failings from my own. I do still pray everyday that he finds his way, but know that HP's way probably isn't the same as mine...dang it..lol

So just for today I am at peace, reminding myself that I am blessed in many ways, and making plans to attend my daughters College Graduation on Saturday and looking forward to her moving home soon.

ps: I don't see the 'thank you' on the posts anymore, but please know that I appreciate each and every response.
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Old 12-14-2009, 01:22 PM
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Originally Posted by hello-kitty View Post

In the meantime, are you doing anything for your own recovery, so that, if necessary, you'll be strong enough to follow through on the boundaries you have drawn? How are you going to distance yourself from his problem and let your little boy grow up to be a man and face the world on his own?
Any suggestions on how to do this? I realize that he is so far immature than his age. At his age I was getting ready to have my second child, and although I was far from perfect...I at least was out on my own and maintaining. I don't see him ever getting to that point...geeze.

Does anyone think that drug use retards their growth as far as maturity? I have a 22 year old daughter who is very independent and mature...raised them both the same way, same parents, same home, same opportunitys..???

Going to the Naranon meeting on Wednesday if it kills me, but how do you distance yourself when it's always in your face..?
Finding myself with a constant 'shaking' in my stomach even when things are going ok? PTSD? General Anxiety...I'm about ready to go to my dr for meds, would like to avoid this though...
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Old 12-15-2009, 05:55 AM
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i have read your story & i am sorry for your son but mostly for you. we raise our children to be good & it is not our fault they choose to do the things they do. he is so bright & does have the world if he wants it. his choices are his. my son is my addict. it took a longggg time for me to "get it'. pratice, pratice, pratice is what it takes for us. i say a prayer every morning & ask my H.P. to set me free from thoughts of him & his problems. i turn my son over to my H.P. & tell myself" i am going to b happy today". i am happy but as i said it took alot of pratice. i stayed right here with these wonderful people who have been where u are right now. i read here, i read every book i could get my hands on. i finally learned it was not my fault my "baby" was a drug addict.my heart & prayers go out to you & your son. keep coming back.
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Old 12-16-2009, 08:04 PM
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yes, true he is not maturing. that's what "they" say, anyway. if he started using when he was 16, he probably behaves in much the same way as a 16-year-old.
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Old 12-16-2009, 08:40 PM
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Originally Posted by coffeedrinker View Post
yes, true he is not maturing. that's what "they" say, anyway. if he started using when he was 16, he probably behaves in much the same way as a 16-year-old.
...yes...and this is they cope with their emotions by using drugs instead of learning "normal" ways of coping, so that they grow up never knowing how to manage the ups and downs of life, or how to make mature decisions, because they never learned the 'hard way' like the rest of us. Make sense? In other words, their emotional maturity gets stumped at the age they started using drugs regularly.
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