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Old 12-03-2009, 09:09 PM
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is your husband home? do you two generally agree on how to handle issues with your son?
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Old 12-03-2009, 09:11 PM
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my mother in law is the same way with my son........I always say he could kill a family of 5 and she would find a reason it was their fault..........

but maybe if you did tell her and explained that the next needle he puts in his arm could kill him she would understand why he needs treatment
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Old 12-03-2009, 09:12 PM
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Originally Posted by liesagain View Post
we, the family cant make them but we can stop making it easy for them to use
I actually had that realization (sp?) tonight actually...this is exactly what we have been doing and it needs to stop.

My daughter is graduating college this month and will be moving back home...she doesn't deserve to have to live like this either...he's had plenty of time and chances, I'm tired
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Old 12-03-2009, 09:14 PM
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you know i agree with liesagain. as long as he have you to provide his basic needs, all he has to be concerned with is getting his drugs.

i know you don't want to tell your 80yro mom but before he goes to live with her, maybe you can at least let her know what is really going on and give her the chance to decide for herself whether or not she wants to let him move in and if she does, what can you do other than invite her to alanon. the choice is yours.

i'm glad that my family left me alone to my misery, i think i'd still be using, in jail or dead, if they hadn't. i'm a mom and i know having to make this kind of decision has to be one of the worse ones to make, but what if you knew that him suffering the consequences of his actions would save his life.
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Old 12-03-2009, 09:15 PM
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Originally Posted by liesagain View Post
is your husband home? do you two generally agree on how to handle issues with your son?
Yes..it took us a while, but I think the more 'jaded' I became in regards to AS, the more we lined up on how to handle it. Actually I knew about my AS's addiction to heroin months before my husband did...he found out when he went to take my spare tire out of the truck and out popped a needle. That was like three years ago...three years of wasted life for us all..mostly AS

I think normally I would hide the syringe incident from my husband though...this time i think it needs to be out in the open...even if it breaks his heart
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Old 12-03-2009, 09:19 PM
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Guys...I'm going to pray extra hard tonight for the calmness I am going to need tomorrow...It's so hard for me to be 'hard-line' with him when he is in his 'right' mind. I love him so much and it's just hard even though I know the 'right mind' son could be gone in a hour or so...and I don't want him to die...
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Old 12-03-2009, 09:22 PM
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I know how heartbreaking it is having my husband as the addict in my life..............I am also the mother of 3 ( my two 18, and 21 and my husbands son 13)

Its horrible to face what they are doing and hard to tell family.......my 21 year old still will not speak to her stepfather.......and the kids have never seen him on drugs.........his drug is crack and he disappears for 24 -48 hours then returns...........stays clean for 6 months or so and does it again ( this has been for the last 3 years)
hes been in and out of treatment and the only reason I havent given up is because he knows he has a problem and he keeps trying...........after each fall hes been willing to seek help

I dont know whats best for you and your son...............but I know for me that when i was picking up the peices and keeping it secret.............the relapses were closer together and we the family suffered the pain, fear and disappointment

The last time I did not lie I closed his business I told him ............you go to threatment you stay for entire thing or I'm done ...........its a 10 month treatment and hes still there thank you HP
but I came to see he is and will always be an addict but we dont have to live like that
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Old 12-03-2009, 09:23 PM
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Thank you all for being here. I do have one friend who knows all about this and who I talk to..but she has never really lived it, ya know? I do thank God for all of you who reach out and help.
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Old 12-03-2009, 09:24 PM
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If I pick him up and lie and cover I am helping him kill himself.........
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Old 12-03-2009, 09:25 PM
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Oh Hurt...........you are welcome
It feels like noone understands I cant tell you how many nites the people here on SR got me thru if it werent for them I would have lost my mind
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Old 12-03-2009, 09:26 PM
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What doesn't kill us makes us stronger....I do feel 100% stronger than I did at the beginning of this nightmare. It's hard when you keep finding hope and it is always snatched away. Such is life and such is the will of our HP though. Getting stronger every day...
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Old 12-03-2009, 09:27 PM
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I will keep you in my prayers tonight ........and I do hope you find calm in whatever decisions you make.............its never easy but know that its not your fault..........
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Old 12-03-2009, 09:27 PM
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Originally Posted by liesagain View Post
If I pick him up and lie and cover I am helping him kill himself.........
wow...so true...so hard to accept
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Old 12-03-2009, 09:29 PM
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Thanks again and goodnight...I will check back in tomorrow I'm sure.. Thank you
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Old 12-03-2009, 09:29 PM
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I firmly believe that as long as theres a breath in their body theres still hope.............

I have learned not to have expectations of what I want for my husband.........but I will Always hope for him the best of all things regardless of any thing.........even if i eventually have to leave him........

hope is great we just have to be aware that it doesnt always happen as we want
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Old 12-03-2009, 09:30 PM
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goodnight...............
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Old 12-03-2009, 09:36 PM
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oh hurt, i know its hard and right now, i'm hurting with you. sorry but i think with you covering for him its only giving a signal that you are not done and that he's safe to continue his drug use. have you set any boundaries that you can follow through on? i konw you love your son but they always told me that you can love an addict to his grave.

most addict i've ever knowm that got sober, hit rock bottom before they decided to get better. my mil can't see herself allowing her son(ah) suffer for his actions, she thinks she is helping him in the name of god, but i think he may not even try to find his own way and god may not lead him until he can get his attention. i think god may just wait until my mil decides to get out of his way. jmo my ah is 50yro and still using and mil is still providing his basic needs even when he had a job. when she didn't have a place for him to run to, he ran to rehab and as soon as she found a home for herself, he moved in with her and went back to using.
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Old 12-04-2009, 05:45 AM
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I guess I did ok.... he pulled out the defensive card "how can you even think I would do heroin"? Well, the needle and mark in your arm even get through my dim mind, ya know? Anyway, it's all denial and not even worth my time to type his responses. In short, I told him if he loses his job he needs to go to rehab, if he doesn't he needs to be out on his own. He said if I want him out the house I can forget about seeing or talking to him ever again, have a nice Christmas because you won't be hearing from me. I just said I don't want you out of my life, just out of my house because I can't and won't do this anymore. He said he'll be out in two weeks. I was pretty proud of myself for not getting pulled into an argument with him, just stated the facts and walked away...we'll see what today brings.

Off to another day at work with my mind a million miles away, it's a miracle I still even have my job after the last three years and the times I just floated through the day in a haze of pain in my gut and heart.

Thank you for being here
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Old 12-04-2009, 06:01 AM
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did you go to that Naranon meeting you talked about earlier?
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Old 12-04-2009, 07:16 AM
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Hurt,

Wow, you are really doing a good job of setting your boundaries - what you will/will not accept, what can/cannot live with - stating those to your son and not arguing about it but just walking away.

I know how hard it is - my son is 29, doesn't live w/me and was living in homeless shelters from Dec 08-Jul 09. He is currently in a recovery house and I pray he & his HP work out his next right step.

I went to my Nar Anon meeting last night! The holiday season is hard and having a table full of loving, supportive friends around is great. Wouldn't trade in my NarAnon and AlAnon friends for anything.

Keep up the GREAT job, you're in my prayers.
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