Letting go is so hard!

Old 11-29-2009, 08:42 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
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Letting go is so hard!

I'm struggling with trying to finally find a way to tell AH that the time has come for me to move on. What has been so difficult is that we have been married for 17 years! The last 5 of which have involved drug addiction. He has always had issues with drinking, which the drugs exacerbated and now I classify him as an alcoholic too.

So, this means that for 12 years we had a pretty normal life together. Now, it's ridiculous chaos and as hard as it is for me to imagine, I'm as close as I have ever gotten to pulling the plug...I have an appt with a lawyer tomorrow (AH does not know).

Of recent, we have had spats since Tues of last week - me all the while feeling so done - and Fri he wrote me a note which basically stated he loved me but had no plans to change (there are several BIG issues at this moment, so nope, no changing on his part). I wrote him a rebuttal that was very blunt - choose to make changes or I'll have no choice but to move on. Of course, as is always the case with notes, no response. When we talk it typically turns nasty in no time flat, no matter how I try to be civil and decent at the start. So, it's nearly impossible to have any kind of normal conversation about our future or even communicate through notes for that matter.

He's so fogged up at the moment that he has convinced himself that I'm have serious significant problems that mirror his drug and alcohol addiction. I hardly drink, do not do drugs, work fulltime, come home to needy kids every day that I give everything I can to (we also have a daughter with special needs - whom I'd cross the planet for if necessary). Funny that his mom told me this during one of our conversations so I asked her, did he say those things about me the first 12 years of our marriage? She said, no. I said bingo!

How did you announce to your A that you were moving to step 2? I have finally let go of the fantasy of the love of my life coming back to me. Yeah, he was the love of my life for a long time and a wonderful hard working guy who treated me like gold. The past 5 years have taken such a toll on me, I'm not prepared to waste any more of my life. It hurts so much! We have two little ones too that love him so much. This will tear my son up...that reality has kept me here longer I think. But I know that what his poor little heart has witnessed is no better either. It's a lose/lose.

Sadder yet is that my dad was an alcoholic and killed himself drinking (I was only 19 when he died). I can't believe I have brought two beautiful children into a stinking mess like my childhood was. I loved my dad, but thank God for the rock that was my mom.

Thanks for listening.
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Old 11-29-2009, 09:43 PM
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Originally Posted by angelstory View Post
I'm struggling with trying to finally find a way to tell AH that the time has come for me to move on.
Hello angelstory. This took me a long time to finally "get" - I had to focus on what I wanted/needed. I spent a far too long doing things because I still wanted him to understand or I needed to really know that what I was doing was right. In the end, I found I needed to trust in myself that I was making the best decision I could for me and waiting for him to understand was like putting my life on hold for someone who wasn't thinking about my needs or our future together.

So, trust in yourself, 'listen' to your feelings, and keep moving forward - one step (however small or big) at a time.
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Old 11-30-2009, 01:32 AM
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No suggestions, you have a good outlook already even though the decisions may be difficult.

But I send prayers for all of you and big hugs so you know you are not walking alone here.

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