lost84

So for all you who dont know me from SR and my situation with my ex i appologize as this may not make sense.

ive been debating posting for a while, i was recovering and moving on keeping the "missing him" thoughts in the back of my mind, no stress no crying to sleep ect.. then 6 months later remembrance day im sitting at starbucks and get a txt from HIM. i started shaking and my ainexty hit me bad. he then called me we spoke for an hr and met up later that evening to talk.
He told me he made a huge mistake, he should have never left me for that girl.. he wasnt thinking.. and so on. He told me they lived together for a week and he couldnt stand picking up after her and kicked her out, that they didnt get along ect. To make a long story short he just bashed his ex putting her down in so many ways (as im sure he did me when we broke up)..
To make matters worse he tells me she is pregnant with his baby.. but she is planning on having an abortion.. he was worried because she has still been partying using cocaine and drinking while preg. If she kept the baby it almost seemed hed be happy?...
I asked him alot of the questions i had had when he left me in july that i had asked my friends on SR. The relationship i had dremt up he had with the new girl was NOT what really was. He told me she was never really his gf more of a party friend, as she drinks and does coke alot like him.. he's still not able to hold jobs gets fired or quits within a week.. the week he contacted me he had just lost a job for beating up a co worker.. so nothing had much changed since i was with him. He did however finish his GED (gr 12 equiv) and is apparently going to school in febuary for a trade.. (believe that when i see it) It was really nice to spend time with him as i never fully let go of the love i had for him and wished he'd come back. He told me not to get my hopes up but we had more of a chance of getting back together than him and his ex did. That he was so sorry for always ruining things with me ect. So the next almost 2 weeks, wed talk here and their but id go a day or two without texting as i didnt want to get all atached again and was trying to be a "friend" and see how that worked.. i didnt hear from him for 3 days when he told me he was txting me after work one night.. so i decide to send a "hey hows things?" text to check in on him.. he sent a text back saying "i am back with my gf, so i cant talk to you.." and that was that, i wished him well and havnt heard from him since.
Through some mutal friends I find out that my ex's gfs ex boyfriend whom she was with for 2 years living in bc together had spent the week together here that he was the love of her life and she wanted to be with him, she booked a flight to move back to bc the following wk but didnt end up going.. her ex is a good guy as well and ovbiously devistated but im just so confusedc. The night i got the im back together with her txt i was a mess, same with the next day. Then i snapped right out of it and got back on track.. which is why i am posting.. i still love my ex very much. I just dont get WHAT was the point of contacting me, seeing me, cuddling me.. and then sinking the ship and cutting me OUT of his life again!!!!!!!! How can u say so many bad things about someone and then just go right back to them? doesnt that mean the problems will just keep occuring and their relationship wont work out????? Now i keep wondering if having the baby would make my ex clean up his act? want to work.. stop being lazy.. stop using mounds of drugs and alch, take care of himself.. maybe goto rehab???? I just had to post, thanks to ne one who reads through this

I just have to add, for that short while it felt like all these months my wishes and dreams had been answered, like i was walking on water! he realized what he had and all my negative self dought dissapeared.. then when he cut me out everything i had felt in the summer came flooding back or in april after our vacation.. those feeling are so bad i dont ever want to feel that un worthy or low again. it seems un fair when you give your heart and love to someone who doesnt care. then i sit and wonder will this now be the LAST time i hear from him?

outtolunch

Parenthood is not a cure for addiction or codependency.

teke

sorry you had to go through this, i think its typical addictive behavior. addicts use whoever will allow them to and for whatever their reason might be. i believe its called a roller coaster ride because of the ups and downs, the highs and lows, and it gets worse. they seem to be good at keeping enablers hanging on, just in case another one don't work the way they need them to.

unfortunately, i think he may try to contact you again one day but probably only to make sure you are still available for his use if needed. don''t mean to sound mean but i went through this for 21yrs and i would hate to see you go through as much pain and suffering as i had to before i had had enough. you deserve more, and he just don't seem capable of giving that to you or anyone, and that includes himself. still praying for you

lost84

thank you all its nice to get your great advice again, i never thought id be posting again, only trying to offer advice to others. it really is a roller coaster. theirs NO getting through to them. i told my ex ill always be their for him as a friend, but apparently his response is we cant be friends "were more than friends" is what he says how the F does that make any sense when he's with another girl and wont speak to me??? its like ne nice thing id say hed throw in my face, i told him i couldnt believe what he put me through as id do ne thing for him and have always been their.. he replied "so my family would do ne thing for me" like THANKKS?

lost84

im thinking its time to listen to my guts and advice of others and change my number.

cassandra2

Cynical hit the nail on the head. He was trying to secure a second option for himself in case the other girl was really done with him.

Its a game that addicts like to play but the catch is they cant play the game if the other person doesnt participate!

itisatruth

Alright so here's the $10,000 question - and I say this as someone who may have bought into all that stuff about him too - why is it that people (like me) accept this. I mean, he made a mistake -ok- but what is it about me that would accept this - no matter what his motives? I'd like to think that a non-codie type of person would not accept any of the BS and say "Darn straight you made a mistake. Your loss" and then move on. He is all about him and we need to be all about us.

lost - I say these things out of total love and understanding of where you're coming from. I hope you always post when you feel you need to - we are here for each other at SR.

Get that number changed and the deadbolt on - for you.

truthhurts

Yup, he sees you as his second-string. I've been there, done that. It sucks. There was always a story of woe that I allowed myself to get sucked into; I'd listen sympathetically, offer advice, and then days/a week later, he'd be back with her and blow me off completely.

What worked for me: changing my cell number, changing my email address, and NEVER responding to anything he did after that.

Good luck to you.

Carol Star

A friend told me I would see how bad he was for me if my self-esteem was better. My therapist would not stop me from going back to him because she said there was something I had not learned yet. Eventually she said my integrity got me out. The LOVE fades. It hurt for a good long while. Alanon helped and reading about codependence helped.Trying to get love from an addict is like going to the hardware store for bread.

Learn2Live

Hey girl :ghug3 Good post.

Quote:

i still love my ex very much.

Do you still feel IN love with this person? What is your loving him accomplishing for YOU? What is it accomplishing for HIM?

Quote:

I just dont get WHAT was the point of contacting me, seeing me, cuddling me.. and then sinking the ship and cutting me OUT of his life again!!!!!!!!

This is you still making yourself crazy trying to make sense of a DISEASE. No amount of rational thinking, comparison-making, or common sense will help you here.

The answer is this simple: The longer you allow this person to remain in your life, the longer you will continue to think this way. It is not healthy to continue to try to figure out a disease. WHY this person does what he does, whether he does it to you or someone else, does not matter. What matters is, why you continue to want this person in your atmosphere, and why you continue to try to figure out a disease.

But just to humor you, and perhaps help you move on again, here is the reason WHY he contacted you, asked to see you, cuddled with you, then cut you off and sunk the ship AGAIN: BECAUSE HE IS SICK WITH THE DISEASE OF ADDICTION. And every ONE and every THING that comes into contact with that disease, no matter how attractive, wealthy, skinny, nice, healthy, etc., will be negatively affected in one way or another. The closer a person is to that sickness, the sicker and sicker they will become. It is a BLACK HOLE.

Who here knows where the "I walk down the street and fall in a hole" story is??? Could you please post it to this thread? Thank you.

Quote:

How can u say so many bad things about someone and then just go right back to them?

This person said all those bad things to you, about the woman he has now impregnated, because he needs to continue his Denial, so that he can continue to use. As long as he has someone ELSE to point his finger at, he does not have to look at himself. Because looking at himself would mean he would have to actually acknowledge that there is something wrong with the way he is living his life. The simple act of you allowing him into your life for even five minutes, and giving him the opportunity to tell you his perspective on things, is YOU enabling him to continue to think, behave, and act the same way as ever.

When you truly love someone, you find the ability to forego getting your needs met, and do what is best for the other person, even when it HURTS. Just like last time, LOST84, if you love him, let him go. Turn around and walk away. He needs to stand on his own two feet, just as any adult human being needs to do. By you lending an ear and showing him your acceptance, you are AGREEING with his actions and his behaviors. There is now a BABY involved. Here is part of your lesson: If you cannot do it for yourself, you must STAY AWAY FROM THIS MAN for the sake of this baby.

Quote:

doesnt that mean the problems will just keep occuring and their relationship wont work out????? Now i keep wondering if having the baby would make my ex clean up his act? want to work.. stop being lazy.. stop using mounds of drugs and alch, take care of himself.. maybe goto rehab????

You are end-gaining here sweetheart. End-gaining means you are looking for an end result in your mind. It is part of wanting, desire, needing. Do you see how you are doing this and how this is making you obsess? What is it, LOST, that you are looking for for your life? What do YOU want for your life? Is it a successful relationship with a man who is clean and sober? Did you decide a few months ago that this person cannot possibly fulfill this life goal for you?

Love ya'! Welcome back.
Melly-Belly

LovetoLaugh

This was posted for me on a thread I had started and I read it almost daily, still trying to figure out how to get to IV, hope it helps!

I:
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost…
I am helpless.
It is not my fault.
It takes forever to find my way out.
II:
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don’t see it.
I fall in.
I can’t believe I am in the same place.
But it isn’t my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.
III:
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it there.
I still fall in…It’s a habit.
My eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.
IV:
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.
I walk down another street.

Learn2Live

You get to IV by going through I, II and III.

It does not end. If it ended, you would be dead. I am still doing the same thing and I FIRST discovered "my issues" and started my recovery 12 years ago. Live life. It is great. Don't beat yourself up about it; we're ALL doing the same thing. Let's hold eachother's hands and do it together.

bluebella

lost84

so after 6 months of nothing, no contact..he pops up in text? i am stunned....i hope you can stay strong...you have progressed and i am sure done alot of healing and soul searching... you and i were so in the same boat..i was at the exact same point in time too- 6 months no contact- not a word! gone he disappeared... you and i communicated through a few private messages sharing our story- very similar! as most are....when i read the heading of your post my jaw dropped..... stay strong!
hugs bluebella....

Goobeepie

There are so many things I want to say but it'd take too long. It sounds very much like my situation right now. I understand I know where you are coming from, and everyone that is posting, youa re so right. Sometimes I wish I didn't have 2 kids with ex & didn't love him (yes still in love) because life would be easier. He even got some other nastiness knocked up but she had the baby & blah blah. She plays her games, won't let him see kid, but to be fair he hasn't tried. She actually got pg to try to keep him from leaving & trying to come back to us I guess.. whatever. Has nothing to do with me. I don't care if he sees the child or not. I don't get into that aspect of it. She harasses me every so often.
Anyway, I just wanted to say I can relate.

Limiya

LOST, i feel for you girl.
I understand how you're feeling. Emotions and feelings stop us from moving on so many times.
You take it as another lesson learned, and keep your head up and keep walking tall and forward.
You'll meet someone worth it one day and you'll be glad you never got right back where you started

~Limiya~

lost84

thanks for all the amazing posts love the SR community. i know from how i thought before about my ex having this perfect happy relationship with the new girl (all being created by my mind.) that IF they keep this baby it most likely wont be magical and fix his issues and addictions...