cessy68

Ya know, Miss Magoo, I agree totally w/ your second paragraph. However, the first, part I can't say I relate.

I lived my life around my kids/and my exhusband, and now the abf, but never lost sight of me.

In fact, at times, I battled w/ feeling selfish, because I wouldn't let them be my be-all, end-all, like I saw some of my friends act.

I always told my friends, "when your kids grow up and leave you, (as they should) who are YOU going to be?" I kept a healthy balance of being an awesome mom, yet never forgetting me.

I know what I love, (outside of them).... I sing, and I sing as often as possible, (thinking of putting a band together again). I write, (lyrics), I love higher education, and am back in school. I want to work w/ the dying.... (hospice-grief/crisis intervention), I like my hot coffee, and a ciggarette, *bad I know*, I enjoy entertaining, cooking-- I do this often. Beaches are another fav. of mine, and I love a great philosophical discussion, with just about anyone willing to entertain it. I know exactly who I am, what I want and where I'm going.

I am being true to me all the time.......and THAT is exactly why I have such a difficult time w/ this whole addiction thing/codie thing. It just dosen't seem to 'fit' me. If anything, for the first time in my adult life, I just don't know what to do, and it's only in this relationship, it fits NO other pattern in my life.

Interesting.

It is something I ponder frequently.

MrsMagoo

Cessy,

I'm sorry if I insulted you. You are so fortunate to have so many interests and talent. I have no talent but have always wished for something, especially a voice!

I used to have interests but my kids interests became mine. Don't get me wrong, I have a career in the judicial system which is never boring but once I go home, it's kids, homework, housework, dinner, meetings, tv and bed. I do go to alot of meetings but they are all recovery related. There's the theme.

Surely there is a reason why this man is in your life right now. I don't believe in accidents. I can see why you can't reconcile your personality to the recent events in your life. I haven't gone back and read everything you've ever written but was there a time when you really liked this man and how long ago was it? I'm not being sarcastic, just trying to fill in some holes since I've already assumed too much.

24Years

I agree with Cess that some of the words we choose are not helpful to her. “Nothing has changed” being one of them. This is not an attack on Cynical One as I imagine the comment was meant well. Please read these to see the difference of one or two words:

It seems nothing has changed or I think nothing has changed (non-threatening, this does not block communication with Cess).

Nothing has changed (threatening, possibly blocks communication with Cess, or at least makes communication very difficult, possibly painful to her).

I appreciate the statement “can you give the man the gift of dignity” and yet that is also loaded. It is for Cess to decide what that gift of dignity is and boy I think we all know how much that varies from person to person (right?). Is her behavior codie, or is she a woman in love trying to work with what she has? I relate to that. It seems we are all here to share experiences and give insights. I think we sometimes come across like we know the situation fully and therefore we know the *best* way to go about something when I don’t believe that is possible unless we’ve lived in those shoes (literally). In the best scenario, it may be that we will not grow without making mistakes first. I don’t know Cess’ past like it sounds some of you do; nonetheless, I hope we can agree that we all need to continue to be careful of the words we choose.

Now before I come across like the great knower of all things, I think that Cess will have to let you know if she agrees with what I wrote here. I may have some years on some (most) of you, and I have had a lot to learn in the “choose words carefully” category of my life. I think I'm better at it; since this is a difficult topic (not wanting to offend), you'll have to decide if I did okay.

Impurrfect

(((Cess)))

It took me more than 20 years with an alcoholic, developing my OWN addiction, and two more relationships with crack addicts, then lurking on SR for more than a year, but reading like a fiend and finally signing on and becoming involved to get to where I am today.

For the past two nights, I've struggled with my codie/addict stepmom and last night turned into a screaming match and it's been very hard on me. I've been e-mailing Anvil nonstop and on the codie thread for support.

I agree with MrsMagoo - there is a purpose for what we go through. I think I went through my horrid relationships so I have some insight and compassion for what you and she and others are going through.

Some people may sound harsh, but I think it's only because they care so darned much, they want you to avoid what they have experienced. I know I lost some dear friends for that same reason, during my 20+ year relationship, but thank God, the people here at SR are much more patient.

I don't have any great advice. I know I had to get to the point where, when the bad outweighed the good, it was over. I just didn't have it in me to give any more.

I put a loaded gun to my head, twice, because he threatened to leave me (he knocked it out of my hands both times) - I thought I couldn't live without him. Now? I really don't remember what it was that was so special. Yeah, we had some great times, but he was seriously messed up, and I was, too.

You will know what you need to do, when your gut overrides your head. If every waking moment screams "this just isn't want I want for my life" you will get out. You HAVE made progress and I'm proud of the steps you've taken.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

cessy68

Well helllo.... everyone. GOSH.... I didn't mean for the post to turn out to be what the post has actually turned out to be. Leave it to me to open the can of worms... I have a nack for that.

Anyhow, Just got home from some Christmas shopping for my kids, (not really kids anymore except the 12 yr old.... who wants a ferrett!!!!!! WTF?) lol.. the jury is out on that one! BUT the point is, I just had time to review all comments and thoughts/feelings that people put out there... I want to address a few, ( I haven't figured out how to do multiple quotes, so I'll write it out to each person individually.)

1.) Miss Magoo, NO NO NO you did NOT offend me, I was simply replying to you.... see how much the screen in front of us can be distorted, because there is no tone of voice, facial expressions etc? I just wanted you to know a little about me, and why this is so foreign to me. The only 'pattern' I can come up w/ is that I had an alcoholic father..... I see codie stuff in my mom, (constatly)....Perhaps it was just late in life that I am mimicing my parents reationship? Or maybe just luck of the draw.

FYI, you asked about the 'history' of this relationship.... well, not gonna fib anyone, I always tell the truth.....It sure has had it's rocky road the past 2 or so years.... When we met, we were working together. He was early 40's I was early 30's (8yrs difference). We have been together 5 yrs = casual dating the first year. true relationship started 4 years ago. Moved in three years ago. Addiciton started after a golf injury roughly 2yrs ago. HOWEVER, I must say.... he was always a 'party guy'. I'm the kinda girl who can go to karaoke, or sing in a pub... have a few drinks and leave it at that. I come home when I say I will, I DO NOT do drugs, Never have, never will.
The abf and I used to have, (what I considered 'fun' for the first 3 yrs.) But my drinking was only when with him. HE on the other hand, also went out w/ friends etc. I found out he did 'a line or two', when w/ the guys.... I assumed it was 'just an infrequent thing' that believe me, A LOT of people do in the industry in which he and I worked. Chalked it up to him 'partying w/ the guys. Sometimes he would go months w/out going out w/ friends, or doing a 'line', so I never thought he had a problem.... it wasn't around me, and the only way I knew, is because I could tell when he came home a couple times.

SO now I know that although the pain pill addiction was probably linked to a tendency to have addictive behaviors, I get it.

Yet, there are/were fundamentals of our relationship that drew me in, and keeps me here. He is like my best friend. To this day, I tell him everything. We have fun together, he makes me laugh. He is successful in business, and ALWAYS is protective of me and my family. If anyone were to slightly insult me.... watch out!, I always loved that about him. We have many mutual friends, but even strangers comment to us when we are in social settings, about how much we 'gel' together. We always hold hands, we never leave the house w/out an "i love you". Even w/ all that we have been through, I still love him. Prior to the pain pills, he was more than helpful around our home, and even still, he tries. He attends my boys athletic events, comes to holiday parties/dinners, etc. and is never disruptive....

Those are the pluses. The minuses.... well I've written about them. The nights that he looks like a zombie on the couch. The mornings when I USED to have morning coffee and watch the news w/ him are gone...... he sleeps much longer than he used to. The friggin snoreing...
I know he is absent sometimes.... (mentally) and I can't stand that..... As I said before, I love a good philosophical conversation, and you can't have that w/ someone who is high on pain pills..... in fact, when he is high, he interrupts the conversation, gets off track, and even forgets what he was saying mid-sentence. It's like being w/someone who is STILL that guy you used to know, but day to day, It changes.

P.s. I'm sure you have many talents........ you just need to 'find you' and 'find them'.

next.

24years, thank you for posting, and understanding. It's funny, when I post, I'm typically at a pretty bad place. I have A LOT of support here in real life, w/ ton of friends and family that I blab to constantly. When I turn to SR, I'm really in a fragile state of mind. I try to read all posts objectivly, but sometimes my heart just gets hurt further. I think that all are intended to be offering good/solid/loving advice, but at these times when I'm here...... it's so hard to feel that someone is throwing in your face what you already know. I KNOW I've been here since Nov. 2008. This is what hurt the most..... that I'm still here, and I KNOW THIS.... and I just felt that I was being kicked in the A**, by being reminded that I'm still in the position I'm in.

It is true though, and I don't want anyone to not be real in their responses to me. JUST AS , I will respond to what they wrote in an honest fashion.

I think you did a good job in what you wrote, and I welcome hearing from you again, your words are a great comfort.

Cynical........... YOU KNOW, that I always valued your position/words/advice/time.... so usually when someone whom you value says something that is borderline hurtful, it hurts more. I hope you understand that. I don't expect/want you to censor yourself, that is not why I'm here........... just as I'm sure you can respect/ appreciate me comming back with a non-tepid response if I get upset. THIS is how we learn. THIS is how people communicate. Period. I don't think that if I got defensive, or critical, or had a 'tone' in any of my rebutals, that you would have a problem with it.... would you? I would hope that you'd understand, and battle it out w/ me so that I could better understand what you were saying, and what your mindset/intentions are.

Thank you again, as always for your time, patience, and wisdom.

Amy,
Amy, Amy, boy, the plot thickens everytime I get the pleasure of a response from you. I didn't realize that things had ever got that bad. It's ironic, sometimes you think that your own problems are SOOOOOO bad, and then you hear someone elses story of where they were/been, are, etc. and it puts things into perspective.

Thank you for recognizing that I've made SOME progress, I try really hard. (I know to some that's like an addict saying, "I try reaaaallllly hard not to use",) but I was in a NA meeting once, and someone did admitt relapsing, and they treated him w/ nothing but kindness,love, understanding, and compassion. Thank you for providing that for me. You have been through a lot, and I appreciate you taking the time to share that with me. I hope I can do the same for others some day as well.

THANK YOU ALL SO VERY MUCH. I APPRECIATE EVERYONE.

love,
Cess

Callie

but I was in a NA meeting once, and someone did admitt relapsing, and they treated him w/ nothing but kindness,love, understanding, and compassion.

Amen, Amen! I don't think any of us here need to be coddled or babied. I think most all of us appreciate the truth, even if it is a little bit 'in your face'. But like Cess, I don't usually post until I'm @ my wits end - which is usually when I was the most fragile, frantic. Nobody is harder on my or more disgusted with me than myself in those situations usually. Compasson and truth goes a long way during those times.

Lots of great info in here Cess. I'm sure you've read CD No More? I tell you, I've listened to the audio book (no time to read right now with work) over and over again on my ipod during the last week. It really hits home and lays out the path that I've lived/walked for the last several years. It's nice because I can repeat tracks if needed so they sink in.

She talked alot about being gentle, but also tough love with onesself. She describes exactly the how I've interacted with RAH during/after his addiction and how that has overflowed into the rest of my life with other people. She also talks alot about how to break/stop that cycle. I have also started reading Women who Love Too Much. I'm only on the first chapters, but it is a great book so far and describes me to a t! I'd suggest maybe reading/rereading some of those books Cess? You know yourself what your next steps should be if he doesn't get himself together. You're obviously not quite at that point yet - maybe some reading can give you a clearer perspective or light the way on the path that you need to take.

Suspicious

Slowly back away from the idea of a ferrett!!!!

They Stink To High Heaven!

Then again I am not much of a pet person other than cats... they are pretty much self reliant so they are ok in my book.

cessy68

Lol.... I don't really want the ferrett, just want a present that he will love......... he's driving me nuts, baderging me for the dang thing!

Hopefully I can side-track him with something else the next week or so, cause gosh knows, when he dosen't take care of it (after the novelty wears off) I certaintly don't want to touch a ferrett!!! (The dog, the cat, the fish, the kids, and the abf are enough to have to pick up after!) lol.......

Thankx,
Love,
Cess

coffeedrinker

just weighin in here.

i appreciated what 24 years said. it's not censorship to speak respectfully. you can be direct and honest yet gentle at the same time.

it might have felt like she was chastising, and that would get anyone's defenses up (if even just a bit) but i thought her example showed good taste.

just wanted to share

outtolunch

I am going to wave the BS flag, here.

I posed a question. Cessy rationalized why she will not consider it. That's her choice.

The guy is addicted to opiates. He is doing what addicts do. He has 365 opportunities a year, each year, to commit to recovery. Those opportunities exist no matter if he's sleeping at Cessy's or at the Motel 8. He can hop a plane to Minnesota (or wherever) any day he chooses and commit to a program, or not. He can also go to a local MD who prescribes subs and do it legal, too.

Thus far, his addiction has not cost him anything. He does not have to "deal with" divorcing his wife. Cessy gets pissed and then takes him back. He still has friends. He still has his business and money to burn. And for now, he has his health, too. Sounds to me like he's living the good life.

cessy68

Amen.

I hope you had an opportunity to read my responses to all on pg. 2.

I agree, and when I see it in black and white, I get pissed all over again. Funny how this works.........................

It's like this side of things (the above quote) which makes me want to say, "see ya later"...... and then there is the other side of it all, why I stay.

BUT
Nonetheless, you hit the nail on the head. Too a tee.



Love,
Cess

Callie

Out to Lunch, great post! Yes, THUS far it's not cost him anything. My RAH went on like this for years! With me right along side him most of the time with absolutely no clue that he was using drugs. Then it hit. . . .

lost job
huge gambling debts
wrecked cars
trouble with the law
drug dealers
moved out of the house
pawning everything of any value
rehab
another rehab
continual use
suicide threats
lost friends and family

It does and will get worse. When I think of the things my husband did during the last 2 years in his addiction I am just shocked. Addiction took him to places he's never been. DARK places. Prior to this he was a VERY, VERY normal person working at a 6 figure job that he's had for 19 years. Cess, if you're seeing him in the high stupor that you've been seeing him in, it is escalating. You know that though.

MrsMagoo

When I think of giving them "dignity" it's the dignity to find their way out, all on their own, just like they got in.

I don't want my AH to ever be able to say that "Janet saved me" or "I couldn't have done it without her" because he has to want it for himself, not me, not our daughter, not his family. The dignity comes with them clawing their way out of their addiction and them blooding their fingers and feet trying to dig themselves out of their misery.

My AH is at a rock bottom ugly place. He is on his way to recovery and it's not because of anything I said or did except put him out on the street. It was the hardest thing I've ever done but it's the best thing I ever did too. Saving his life is up to him now. Saving MY LIFE was up to me.

Hopefully, one day, after much work, we can meet in the middle and get to know each other again, as healthy individuals.

cece1960

Well said MrsMagoo. If I could add...we as loved ones should also be allowed the same dignity...

outtolunch

Glinda, the Good Witch, told Dorthey to just click her heels because she had the power all along....

This is the gift we can give to ourselves, any time we are open to accepting it.

outtolunch

I like the way you framed this.

MrsMagoo

Good, good stuff!!

and thank you!