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Detachment and no contact

Old 11-27-2009, 08:18 PM
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Detachment and no contact

Detachment is hard for me. I can do it. But it's difficult to maintain it.

I am finding that the only way I can maintain detachment is separation from him. No contact. It seems that no matter now good I get at the act of detachment......it just makes him work harder to break me.....and eventually after constant attempts to break down that detachment, I do break. I come unglued.

It's almost like it has become a greater game for him. He knows (he's been through rehab) that I'm trying to detach with love. He knows exactly why I don't react when he "takes a run at me" with his crisis du jour. But he will use a battering ram.....until he breaks me. One can only sustain through those attacks for a while before being warn down......defenses are low....reserves are low.....and WHAM he gets the reaction he was after.

I've decided that I do best with no contact. I love my son but he's not good for me. And maybe I'm not good for him either. He still "takes runs at me" via text message or telephone messages but I find that I am able to better deal with it if it's not "live" action. And I've found that the best way I've been dealing with it is not to react at all. No response.

He leaves me messages that are meant to bait me into calling him back. I don't.

I didn't invite him to Thanksgiving dinner. He sent me a text that said "Thanks" later that evening. (Obviously meant to inspire guilt) It worked but he doesn't know that because I didn't call him back.

I recognize that I don't detach well from him. No contact is hard....really hard. I love him. But it's what is best for me.....and probably for him too.
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Old 11-28-2009, 04:49 AM
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(((Kind Eyes))),

From one mom to another, girlfriend. Hang in there. Maybe a little focus on YOU would be beneficial right now. Does counseling sound like something you want to do? Or maybe just a little "all about you" trip with husband or girlfriend? You are entitled to enjoy life too, you know, even though your son is CHOOSING to be unhappy. And my guess is he isn't unhappy enough yet to quit, so that might help you unburden yourself from the guilt. Guilt won't cure him anyway, so try to remember that and not put yourself through it. Thinking of you today...
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Old 11-28-2009, 05:54 AM
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I know how hard this is, but I promise you it does get better.

I used to tell my son "I will always love you, no matter what. But I cannot walk through hell with you, so I'll stand in my own recovery and hold the light. Maybe some day you'll follow."

I cope each day by saying a prayer in the morning, asking God to take care of my son, then I live my day well, as life was intended to be lived, and trust God to the rest.

Hugs
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Old 11-28-2009, 08:58 AM
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detachment is much much easier for me when no contact as well.

good for you to not respond to the various bait
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Old 11-28-2009, 11:26 AM
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kindeyes, from one mom to another big hugs!!! I know exactly how hard it is, as I just did the same. When I said no contact, I told my AD that I loved her & would pray for her, however I could no longer deal with her addiction.

I too got a text on thanksgiving, luckily it only said that she loved me & to have a good T-D.

Again, hang in there, you did good!

Hugs,
Chris
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Old 11-28-2009, 11:44 AM
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((Kindeyes)) as an RA, I think you're doing the right thing. When he can no longer focus on trying to get you to "take the bait", he just may have to focus on HIM!

I'm also dealing with a loved one who is an addict, but it's my stepmom and I live with her and dad, so I know how hard it is to detach. She's gotten better, but still has her moments.

It's not easy on either side of addiction, but though as an addict, I didn't face the challenges until I got into recovery. I think being a loved one of an addict is pretty darned hard, though.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy
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Old 11-28-2009, 05:04 PM
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((Kindeyes))
My son disappeared the yrs. he was using.
It's interesting that your son wants contact.
Either way it is difficult.

It helped me to stay close to my own recovery through alanon, alanon friends and therapy.

Now that my son is sober, we have the relationship I always wanted. Largely because I did my work too. I learned where I ended and he began.
Hopefully, one day you too will have a healthy mutually respectful relationship w/ your son.

In the mean time, remember that which brings you joy and focus in that direction.
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Old 11-30-2009, 08:00 AM
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Thank you for all of your kind and encouraging words. You all help me more than you will possibly know.

He took another "run" at me on Saturday via text message:

"Should I plan on no contact 4 x-mas also? or ever again for that matter? Tell my son I love him! If u don't, your a witch."

(I take care of his 4 year old son every Saturday while his momma works.)

What he doesn't know is that I talk about Daddy to his son all the time. His son loves him. I tell him stories about when his Daddy was a little boy and what he liked to do. I do tell him that his Daddy loves him. What I can't do is explain to a 4 year old why his Daddy behaves the way he does.

The event that led to this most recent no contact took place in front of his son. We were in the car (I was driving) and AS started antagonizing me. Verbally pummeling me. I asked him to stop. I reminded him that his son was watching. But he didn't (couldn't?) stop. He kept at me saying things that were specifically trying to get me upset. Accusations. Angry words. Saying things about my friends and husband that simply weren't true. He just kept on while I calmly asked him to stop. I finally through clenched teeth told him to knock it off. He said "You better not talk to me in that tone of voice or you can pull over and......" I was on the freeway. I did just that. I pulled over to the shoulder and he got out....slammed the door of my car.....and proceeded to walk in front of the car and put out his thumb to hitchhike. All the while his son was saying "What's wrong with my Daddy?" "Why did Daddy slam the door?" "Where's my Daddy going?" A few short seconds later, a car pulled over for him to give him a ride. All while his child watched. My AS walked up to the car smiling and laughing....as though nothing had just happened. I watched Mr Hyde turn into Dr Jekyll right before my eyes. I pulled back onto the freeway and got off at the exit that was just a couple hundred feet from where I had pulled off. As we went over the overpass, I looked back to see that the car and my son were gone. Evidently so did my grandson because he asked "Daddy's not there now....did he get in the car with the strangers?"

This isn't the first time that he has attacked me verbally, emotionally, psychologically in front of his child. I can't do it anymore. It's not my responsibility to ensure that he has a relationship with his child. It's so very sad.

Thanks for listening (reading). For whatever reason, it feels to get it out of my brain and onto "paper".
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Old 11-30-2009, 08:17 AM
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Originally Posted by Kindeyes View Post
This isn't the first time that he has attacked me verbally, emotionally, psychologically in front of his child. I can't do it anymore. It's not my responsibility to ensure that he has a relationship with his child. It's so very sad.
i think you did the right thing, i know it hurts though. you deserve to be respected. i also think your grandson is blessed to have you for a grandma. i'm praying for you and your family.
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Old 11-30-2009, 12:40 PM
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OH gosh. Sending more mom hugs your way. I remember the days when aliens had taken over my son's body (or so it seemed.) All I could say to him was "I love you so much, you're so smart and I know you're going to find your way." It was my response to just about anything he said to me. At that time I didn't trust my HP as much as I do today, but I handed my son over to my HP about a dozen times a day. And I cried until there were no tears left.

I ultimately moved 750 miles away from where he was. It wasn't the only reason I moved, but it was a major contributing factor. I just couldn't have a front row seat to his self destruction anymore. And I cried some more.

The distance was good for us. It took me time to learn how to set boundaries with my son - what I would and would not talk about, listen to, read etc. I rounded up some recovery friends who sometimes worked as filters - I let them read an email or listen to a message before I did so they could help me decide if it was healthy for me or not.

My son ultimately chose a healthier lifestyle. I am confident that he got there sooner because I quit enabling him and cushioning his fall. It was not an easy journey for either of us, but we are both the better for it.

Mom hugs coming your way.
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Old 11-30-2009, 12:55 PM
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My son is an addict and when we stopped enabling him and he realized that I was no longer on "his side" the message was pretty clear. We finally kicked him out and that is when he said he needed help. These things are all so hard but I was miserable and my husband and I were on constant pins and needles. I reflect back how hard it all was and it pretty much sucked (pardon my language) every day! It was hard for me to pretend to be happy - even while on vacation. I knew I needed to start taking care of myself because I wasn't having fun!

Now I go to my meetings, read my daily verse, went back to church and started to enjoy time with my husband. My AS is out of rehab and now we adjust again but I WON'T let him drag me so far down again, should he make the decision. Our lives are short! I want to live....and have fun!

YOU have done the right thing - here is a big hug and please take good care of you! Kel
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Old 11-30-2009, 06:31 PM
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Originally Posted by CatsPajamas View Post
I ultimately moved 750 miles away from where he was. It wasn't the only reason I moved, but it was a major contributing factor. I just couldn't have a front row seat to his self destruction anymore. And I cried some more.
It's funny you mention moving. My husband and I are considering moving. Like you, not solely due to my son, but there's no doubt that our lives would be more serene without him in and out of the picture constantly stirring us up. LOL....I say "us".....I mean "me". He can't get my husband lit up like he can me....he doesn't even try.

I guess I feel that it just takes so much of my energy to stay calm when he's pushing and pushing and pushing and baiting and insulting me. This "no contact" is the only way I can have peace and maintain hope that he learn to appreciate me and stop. Like I said earlier.....at this point.....I think it's a game to him to see how hard and far he can push before I cry uncle. That is just no way to live.

I love him. But I can't stand being around him. There is nothing comfortable about the relationship. Nothing.

The old saying "absence makes the heart grow fonder" is so true. Perhaps he would appreciate a mother who loves him if she just wasn't that easily accessible.
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Old 11-30-2009, 09:45 PM
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((Kindeyes)) Just remember, sweetie, he could tell his son, HIMSELF, he loves him; he could be a part of his son's life. It sounds like he's NOT because of his bad choices?

I'm going through something similar with my stepmom, though not as bad, and I can't go no contact as I live with her and dad. I simply keep reminding her that her actions lead to her consequences. Most days, lately, I sound like a broken record.

You may want to try a trick I learned from Japic05 - instead of having his NAME listed in your phone, put it in as something like "his choice" so that is what shows up every time he texts you..just as a little reminder?

I know it hurts, but I truly believe you are doing the right thing for both of you...this coming from the recovering addict and recovering codie

Big hugs and prayers to you!!

Amy
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