PLEASE HELP!!! BF ALCOHOL/COKE - Need Advice PLease !!!!!!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Humboldt TN
Posts: 114
Iamhere...one thing I said to my ex, in response to his remark..."well, YOU smoke!" was...
"Yep, but when I smoke, it isn't dangerous to others; remember when you trashed the car drunk after the concert last week and don't remember what or WHO you hit?"
All vices are, well, vices, but, how likely are we to get a DUI, kill someone, go to jail, or overdose on a cigarette or cup of coffee?
Don't let him TURN IT AROUND ON YOU
Oh, and I love my ex til my heart breaks, but, he loved his addictions more...just points to ponder and stay strong!
"Yep, but when I smoke, it isn't dangerous to others; remember when you trashed the car drunk after the concert last week and don't remember what or WHO you hit?"
All vices are, well, vices, but, how likely are we to get a DUI, kill someone, go to jail, or overdose on a cigarette or cup of coffee?
Don't let him TURN IT AROUND ON YOU
Oh, and I love my ex til my heart breaks, but, he loved his addictions more...just points to ponder and stay strong!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: lancaster, PA
Posts: 852
Originally Posted by cynical one 
[And, you’re no different than any of us, just because you haven’t dumped him yet, doesn’t mean you love any more, or are any stronger than any other girl in his past or future has or will. We’ve all been there…thinking that somehow we hold the key. That if we go the distance, be a good influence, tell them over and over again that they are better than this, that we believe in them, that we will stand by and help them. We’ve all tried to love them clean…it just doesn’t work that way. . [/FONT]
I still need to hear posts like this, and I have been here on SR a year, with my abf for almost 5 years, his addiction started 2 yrs ago...
Really, really think long and hard about what cynical said here........ get out before your heart gets really invested. I mean, i LIVE with my abf, he is like a step-father to my children, we have YEARS together before having 'addiction' on our hands.....and YET, STILL, I know her words are the truth.
Think long and hard. Dosen't matter if it's coke, crack, pills, alcohol.... any of these addictions destroy families, and you have choices to make.... because IT WILL take you down a road, that I don't wish on my worst enemy.
Love,
Cess
Last edited by cessy68; 11-27-2009 at 07:01 PM. Reason: spelling
Member
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: limbo
Posts: 2,849
i am here for you...........
I read your post that you want to be here for him and have no plan to leave him.........
we each have to walk our own paths and noone can choose that for us........no matter if we know the cliff that is on that path...........
with that being said maybe you can take some time to read a few things here on SR
you said you were looking on utube and watched things about coke..........honestly unless you intend to use or make it.....thats not gonna help you at all
maybe you can take a little time and read the thread Classic reading..........under the sticky on Friends and Family of Alcoholics
those posts can maybe shed some light on what you can really do to help him and be there for him..........as well as shed light on addiction and the behaviors that go along with it.
Best wishes to you and your loved one
I read your post that you want to be here for him and have no plan to leave him.........
we each have to walk our own paths and noone can choose that for us........no matter if we know the cliff that is on that path...........
with that being said maybe you can take some time to read a few things here on SR
you said you were looking on utube and watched things about coke..........honestly unless you intend to use or make it.....thats not gonna help you at all
maybe you can take a little time and read the thread Classic reading..........under the sticky on Friends and Family of Alcoholics
those posts can maybe shed some light on what you can really do to help him and be there for him..........as well as shed light on addiction and the behaviors that go along with it.
Best wishes to you and your loved one
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
I, too, agree with Cynical One.
I'm a recovering crack addict. I left my XABF because he is still using. I can personally vouch for the fact that while he is using, that is ALL he is thinking about. And it will get worse. With cocaine or crack, when we get to where we want "more, more, more" minutes turn into hours, which turn into days. Many a successful business person has turned into a street bum. I was a highly certiied RN....I became a street-walking prostitute. Now, 2-1/2 years into recovery, I am still waiting tables, going back to school, trying to find a better job.
The symptoms he is having are more indicative of the coke than the alcohol. Most people who drink and do coke, will find they can't have a drink without having the urge to do the coke. Therefore, something as "innocent" as having a beer may lead to a several-day binge on coke.
As far as him harping on you about the cigarettes? He's trying to take the focus off of him. He wants to make what HE is doing not seem so bad. Sorry, but I smoke. Cigarettes aren't illegal. They don't drain a bank account NEARLY like coke does, and they don't make people do the stupid stuff coke and alcohol does. Let him get pulled over driving while high on that stuff...he'll see. Hopefully, he won't kill someone or himself first.
Another thing - people can get very irrational and/or violent on coke. Maybe not at first, but it happens. Don't think "he'd never do that" - the morgue is full of women who thought that.
I'm sorry to be blunt and I know what I'm saying is not what you want to hear, but I lived deep in a crack addiction and I've seen a lot of stuff. The man who loved me (and I know he did) knocked me across a room one time, busted my eardrum another. He stole so much money from me, I could rent a nice house for 6 months, instead of having to live with my dad. I walked the streets with girls who gave up their children.
If you insist on staying with him, be prepared for spending a lot of time alone. When he is around you, keep your money and any valuables where he can't get to them, as well as your car keys. Use protection when you have sex. THIS is what your life is going to be like as long as he is using.
And please, go to al-anon and nar-anon. They will help you to realize that the best thing you can do is focus on YOU and let him focus on him. They won't tell you to leave him...they will help you to learn how to live your life without constantly thinking about where he is, what he is doing. However, I can tell you what he is doing when you don't hear from him. He is with his first love - coke/alcohol.
Again, I'm sorry to be so blunt. I spent 25+ years, in 3 relationships with an alcoholic and 2 addicts before I realized that I was a codie (codependent) and I had to work on ME to realize I deserved better.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I'm a recovering crack addict. I left my XABF because he is still using. I can personally vouch for the fact that while he is using, that is ALL he is thinking about. And it will get worse. With cocaine or crack, when we get to where we want "more, more, more" minutes turn into hours, which turn into days. Many a successful business person has turned into a street bum. I was a highly certiied RN....I became a street-walking prostitute. Now, 2-1/2 years into recovery, I am still waiting tables, going back to school, trying to find a better job.
The symptoms he is having are more indicative of the coke than the alcohol. Most people who drink and do coke, will find they can't have a drink without having the urge to do the coke. Therefore, something as "innocent" as having a beer may lead to a several-day binge on coke.
As far as him harping on you about the cigarettes? He's trying to take the focus off of him. He wants to make what HE is doing not seem so bad. Sorry, but I smoke. Cigarettes aren't illegal. They don't drain a bank account NEARLY like coke does, and they don't make people do the stupid stuff coke and alcohol does. Let him get pulled over driving while high on that stuff...he'll see. Hopefully, he won't kill someone or himself first.
Another thing - people can get very irrational and/or violent on coke. Maybe not at first, but it happens. Don't think "he'd never do that" - the morgue is full of women who thought that.
I'm sorry to be blunt and I know what I'm saying is not what you want to hear, but I lived deep in a crack addiction and I've seen a lot of stuff. The man who loved me (and I know he did) knocked me across a room one time, busted my eardrum another. He stole so much money from me, I could rent a nice house for 6 months, instead of having to live with my dad. I walked the streets with girls who gave up their children.
If you insist on staying with him, be prepared for spending a lot of time alone. When he is around you, keep your money and any valuables where he can't get to them, as well as your car keys. Use protection when you have sex. THIS is what your life is going to be like as long as he is using.
And please, go to al-anon and nar-anon. They will help you to realize that the best thing you can do is focus on YOU and let him focus on him. They won't tell you to leave him...they will help you to learn how to live your life without constantly thinking about where he is, what he is doing. However, I can tell you what he is doing when you don't hear from him. He is with his first love - coke/alcohol.
Again, I'm sorry to be so blunt. I spent 25+ years, in 3 relationships with an alcoholic and 2 addicts before I realized that I was a codie (codependent) and I had to work on ME to realize I deserved better.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
iamhereforyou,
Here is my perspective and advice. I hope something here helps you a bit.
1. IMO, You have done the right thing by posting here and asking for help. Keep coming here and reading other people's posts. Also, please browse through and read some of the "stickys" you find at the top of the forum. You will see the word "Sticky" in the thread name column. Learn as much as you can about this disease and how it is affecting you.
Sometimes you will read things that people post directly TO you that you do not want to hear, and you may get upset. That's OK, just don't take anything personally if you can help it. Just read it, think how it might actually apply to your situation, and move on. Don't let it deter you from coming back here.
2. Please try to go to Al-Anon. If you are afraid to go alone, get a friend to go with you. There you will meet people who are just like you and me, and they will support you and give you their phone numbers so that you have someone close to you, geographically, when you need them.
3. Do your utmost to remain in regular contact with YOUR friends and family. Make sure you are going out and doing things (anything) with your friends and family at least once a week.
4. If you find that your mental health is deteriorating, you are unable to eat, are overeating, unable to shower, get up, go to school, etc., go to the doctor. I think I read that you are in college? If so, there will be a health unit at the college you can go to.
5. Understand that your boyfriend has a serious, incurable, insidious DISEASE. You did not and you do not CAUSE it, you cannot CONTROL it, and you cannot CURE it. The sooner you get this embedded in your head, the easier your life will be.
6. Understand that this disease causes him to do very upsetting, and often sick, things. BUT having this disease does not EXCUSE his bad behavior, or the behavior he exhibits that is unacceptable to you in a romantic relationship. Nor is the behavior SEPARATE from the person. He KNOWS what he is doing. Don't fall into the trap of thinking, "But he is so sweet in "real" life!" or "He did X, but he was drunk or drugged up at the time, which means he didn't mean it, or he didn't do it on purpose." When you find yourself saying this, stop, and remember he KNOWS what he is doing. These are the decisions he makes.
7. Understand that the way he acts has NOTHING to do with you. NONE of his behavior is a reflection on you or your worth. You must try to maintain separatedness from his person.
8. PROTECT yourself at all times. Protecting yourself is YOUR responsibility. DO NOT EVER assume that this man has YOUR well-being, or your best interest, at heart; no matter what he says or does. Don't fall into the trap of the "helpless little girl" persona. It will be your downfall.
DO NOT HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX WITH THIS MAN.
If you decide, or have decided, to have sex with this man, go get yourself a box of condoms. If you cannot afford condoms, go to the nearest County Family Planning Clinic. You can find it by Googling your State name and "Health Department" or "Health Clinics." PM me if you cannot find this and I will find it for you.
and DO NOT GET IN A CAR WITH HIM WHEN HE IS DRIVING
9. Always TRUST your instincts. When your instincts are telling you that you are in DANGER, it is better to calmly extract yourself from the situation than it is to try to face it or FIGHT it. Know when to walk away.
10. Understand that people with drug addiction and alcoholism like your boyfriend are MOSTLY concerned with getting and using more of the drug. These people must use certain tools to both live in the world and get the drugs. Acquaint yourself with these tools that they use, so that when he is using them with you, you can keep a level head, AND keep yourself mentally sane. Often, people who are addicted use these tools "against" you, without you even knowing it. It can be VERY subtle, so it is best if you be on guard, recognize when it is happening, and remember that it is HIM trying to keep his life a certain way, so that he can get the drugs.
Also understand that people with drug addiction are not typically grounded in REALITY. It is YOUR responsibility to KEEP YOURSELF GROUNDED IN REALITY.
Here are a few of these mechanisms that they typically use:
Magical Thinking: Thinking things like "We were meant to be together," or "I NEED you," or "It is fate that we came together."
Denial: They do not see, and they convince themselves that nothing is wrong, when there is clearly something wrong. For example, they stink to high heaven because they do not shower or use deodorant. But they tell themselves, and other people, "Deodorant causes cancer and you shouldn't use it." In other words, they deny that anything wrong with their behavior or state.
Manipulation: Usually words or actions they use to purposely make you think that everything is OK, or to provide themselves a reason to use the drugs, or to get you to enable them. For example, they will often not ASK DIRECTLY for help, even for the smallest thing. They will HINT, for instance, "I'm hungry" to get you to make them food. Or "Man is it COLD outside and all I had was this shirt." to get you to buy them a coat. This list is infinite. DO NOT DO ANYTHING FOR THIS MAN that a grown man is capable of doing himself. I ASSURE you, THIS MAN, no matter how special you think or feel he is, is CAPABLE of EVERY action required to take care of himself. Don't fall for his pretend helplessness and neediness.
Projection: They blame you for the problems that the drug addiction causes in your relationship. For example, he disappears for a week and you do not hear from him. You are now panicking, which is clearly a PROBLEM with the way he is relating to you (dumped you, and out of contact). He may blame something YOU did or YOU said, in order to justify why he has been gone. When, in reality, the reason he has been gone is because he has been on a drug binge all this time.
They will even pick fights with you in order to get you to react in anger, so that they have an excuse to leave.
They will try to use GUILT to get what they want. When you feel yourself start to feel guilty STOP it.
OK, well, that's a good start at least. I hope you find something useful here. Take GOOD care of YOURSELF. ALWAYS put YOURSELF and your own well-being FIRST. YOU are YOUR PRIORITY.
Here is my perspective and advice. I hope something here helps you a bit.
1. IMO, You have done the right thing by posting here and asking for help. Keep coming here and reading other people's posts. Also, please browse through and read some of the "stickys" you find at the top of the forum. You will see the word "Sticky" in the thread name column. Learn as much as you can about this disease and how it is affecting you.
Sometimes you will read things that people post directly TO you that you do not want to hear, and you may get upset. That's OK, just don't take anything personally if you can help it. Just read it, think how it might actually apply to your situation, and move on. Don't let it deter you from coming back here.
2. Please try to go to Al-Anon. If you are afraid to go alone, get a friend to go with you. There you will meet people who are just like you and me, and they will support you and give you their phone numbers so that you have someone close to you, geographically, when you need them.
3. Do your utmost to remain in regular contact with YOUR friends and family. Make sure you are going out and doing things (anything) with your friends and family at least once a week.
4. If you find that your mental health is deteriorating, you are unable to eat, are overeating, unable to shower, get up, go to school, etc., go to the doctor. I think I read that you are in college? If so, there will be a health unit at the college you can go to.
5. Understand that your boyfriend has a serious, incurable, insidious DISEASE. You did not and you do not CAUSE it, you cannot CONTROL it, and you cannot CURE it. The sooner you get this embedded in your head, the easier your life will be.
6. Understand that this disease causes him to do very upsetting, and often sick, things. BUT having this disease does not EXCUSE his bad behavior, or the behavior he exhibits that is unacceptable to you in a romantic relationship. Nor is the behavior SEPARATE from the person. He KNOWS what he is doing. Don't fall into the trap of thinking, "But he is so sweet in "real" life!" or "He did X, but he was drunk or drugged up at the time, which means he didn't mean it, or he didn't do it on purpose." When you find yourself saying this, stop, and remember he KNOWS what he is doing. These are the decisions he makes.
7. Understand that the way he acts has NOTHING to do with you. NONE of his behavior is a reflection on you or your worth. You must try to maintain separatedness from his person.
8. PROTECT yourself at all times. Protecting yourself is YOUR responsibility. DO NOT EVER assume that this man has YOUR well-being, or your best interest, at heart; no matter what he says or does. Don't fall into the trap of the "helpless little girl" persona. It will be your downfall.
DO NOT HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX WITH THIS MAN.
If you decide, or have decided, to have sex with this man, go get yourself a box of condoms. If you cannot afford condoms, go to the nearest County Family Planning Clinic. You can find it by Googling your State name and "Health Department" or "Health Clinics." PM me if you cannot find this and I will find it for you.
and DO NOT GET IN A CAR WITH HIM WHEN HE IS DRIVING
9. Always TRUST your instincts. When your instincts are telling you that you are in DANGER, it is better to calmly extract yourself from the situation than it is to try to face it or FIGHT it. Know when to walk away.
10. Understand that people with drug addiction and alcoholism like your boyfriend are MOSTLY concerned with getting and using more of the drug. These people must use certain tools to both live in the world and get the drugs. Acquaint yourself with these tools that they use, so that when he is using them with you, you can keep a level head, AND keep yourself mentally sane. Often, people who are addicted use these tools "against" you, without you even knowing it. It can be VERY subtle, so it is best if you be on guard, recognize when it is happening, and remember that it is HIM trying to keep his life a certain way, so that he can get the drugs.
Also understand that people with drug addiction are not typically grounded in REALITY. It is YOUR responsibility to KEEP YOURSELF GROUNDED IN REALITY.
Here are a few of these mechanisms that they typically use:
Magical Thinking: Thinking things like "We were meant to be together," or "I NEED you," or "It is fate that we came together."
Denial: They do not see, and they convince themselves that nothing is wrong, when there is clearly something wrong. For example, they stink to high heaven because they do not shower or use deodorant. But they tell themselves, and other people, "Deodorant causes cancer and you shouldn't use it." In other words, they deny that anything wrong with their behavior or state.
Manipulation: Usually words or actions they use to purposely make you think that everything is OK, or to provide themselves a reason to use the drugs, or to get you to enable them. For example, they will often not ASK DIRECTLY for help, even for the smallest thing. They will HINT, for instance, "I'm hungry" to get you to make them food. Or "Man is it COLD outside and all I had was this shirt." to get you to buy them a coat. This list is infinite. DO NOT DO ANYTHING FOR THIS MAN that a grown man is capable of doing himself. I ASSURE you, THIS MAN, no matter how special you think or feel he is, is CAPABLE of EVERY action required to take care of himself. Don't fall for his pretend helplessness and neediness.
Projection: They blame you for the problems that the drug addiction causes in your relationship. For example, he disappears for a week and you do not hear from him. You are now panicking, which is clearly a PROBLEM with the way he is relating to you (dumped you, and out of contact). He may blame something YOU did or YOU said, in order to justify why he has been gone. When, in reality, the reason he has been gone is because he has been on a drug binge all this time.
They will even pick fights with you in order to get you to react in anger, so that they have an excuse to leave.
They will try to use GUILT to get what they want. When you feel yourself start to feel guilty STOP it.
OK, well, that's a good start at least. I hope you find something useful here. Take GOOD care of YOURSELF. ALWAYS put YOURSELF and your own well-being FIRST. YOU are YOUR PRIORITY.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 13
Thank you all for those amazing words, its true i have to think about myself first..
Yesterday i txt him to tell me when he arrives home.. he txt me first, i was sleepy and then he called me... he was very very silent, when i asked him, what he did after work he told me "same" ..i couldn't talk anymore or ask him something, i said "i love you" and he was like "me too" (usually his response when we are okay, is i love you too baby, or something like that) he told me to hang up, and i said "No" , and then he said " Is stupid to have our phones in our ear without talking"..
i was almost crying and i said " well baby if you want to hang up, then its ok" he said okay, i said i love you, and he just hanged up
Today is another day, and i think it will be exactly the same
On Dec.8 our month, is next week.. and i hope we r okay, or else i dont know what im going to do, or how it will be
Yesterday i txt him to tell me when he arrives home.. he txt me first, i was sleepy and then he called me... he was very very silent, when i asked him, what he did after work he told me "same" ..i couldn't talk anymore or ask him something, i said "i love you" and he was like "me too" (usually his response when we are okay, is i love you too baby, or something like that) he told me to hang up, and i said "No" , and then he said " Is stupid to have our phones in our ear without talking"..
i was almost crying and i said " well baby if you want to hang up, then its ok" he said okay, i said i love you, and he just hanged up
Today is another day, and i think it will be exactly the same
On Dec.8 our month, is next week.. and i hope we r okay, or else i dont know what im going to do, or how it will be
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Midland, NC
Posts: 1,266
First of all...comparing cocaine or any other drug for that matter, to smoking cigarettes is absurd....Only an addict would do this.
Secondly, don't be the girl that thinks, "I can love him through this", cause it won't work. He's in love with the drug and has no ability to love you the way you deserve to be loved.
Trust me when I say this....I loved cocaine way more than I loved my family during active addiction. I didn't care about how much I worried them or how much they loved me, I only cared about getting high.
I look back on that time and it makes me realize how very sick I was.
You're bf is equally as sick. By letting him know that you're gonna stand by him no matter what, is only giving him permission to keep using.
Love him from a distance.
Penny
Secondly, don't be the girl that thinks, "I can love him through this", cause it won't work. He's in love with the drug and has no ability to love you the way you deserve to be loved.
Trust me when I say this....I loved cocaine way more than I loved my family during active addiction. I didn't care about how much I worried them or how much they loved me, I only cared about getting high.
I look back on that time and it makes me realize how very sick I was.
You're bf is equally as sick. By letting him know that you're gonna stand by him no matter what, is only giving him permission to keep using.
Love him from a distance.
Penny
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
Originally Posted by iamhereforyou
I want to be there for him, im not planning to leave him
there are decades of wisdom here. consider this: why would all of these smart and caring people be telling you essentially the same thing, if it was possibly not true? no one, not one, has said anything to cause you to believe it is in your, or his, best interest to stick it out with him. and these people are addicts themselves.
the situation is crystal clear. keep reading, and post when you are confused.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
Glad you are here. There is lots of help and information available on this website for you from people who have been through what you are going through so I hope you stick around and keep your mind open to what you read.
Remember the 3 c's:
You didn't cause his addiction.
You can't control his addiction.
You can't cure his addiction.
The deal about addiction is that an addict has to do the work to get better on their own. No one can help them. That's called enabling and that just makes them sicker. It makes them think that their problem isn't that bad because people still love them. An addict has to feel like they have lost everything before they make a choice to get better. And even at that point, they may not choose to get better.
There is a great book out there called "co-dependent no more" and another book called "getting them sober" that may be helpful for you to read. It will let you know what you are in for.
People who love addicts sometimes become more sick than the addicts themselves. They become addicted to the addict and it destroys their life. It sounds like you might be on that path.
I hope you will look into some help for you - books, codependency meetings, alanon... those kinds of things. Then you can make an informed decision about your future when it comes to this man.
But again... don't forget the 3 C's:
You didn't cause it.
You can't control it.
You can't cure it.
Remember the 3 c's:
You didn't cause his addiction.
You can't control his addiction.
You can't cure his addiction.
The deal about addiction is that an addict has to do the work to get better on their own. No one can help them. That's called enabling and that just makes them sicker. It makes them think that their problem isn't that bad because people still love them. An addict has to feel like they have lost everything before they make a choice to get better. And even at that point, they may not choose to get better.
There is a great book out there called "co-dependent no more" and another book called "getting them sober" that may be helpful for you to read. It will let you know what you are in for.
People who love addicts sometimes become more sick than the addicts themselves. They become addicted to the addict and it destroys their life. It sounds like you might be on that path.
I hope you will look into some help for you - books, codependency meetings, alanon... those kinds of things. Then you can make an informed decision about your future when it comes to this man.
But again... don't forget the 3 C's:
You didn't cause it.
You can't control it.
You can't cure it.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by iamhereforyou
Is not TB, i know im doing him no favors, but no one will be there for him, i love him, and im so scared that i could be dragged down because of all this,
If love and being there was a cure for addiction, absolutely none of us would be here. We did not cause it. We cannot control it. And we most certainly cannot cure it.
For all you or any of us know, the Police are watching him, preparing to arrest him for possession of substance, a felony. If you are with him, when this happens, you become involved. For all you know, the Police will find the stuff in your pocket or purse. This is what addicts do to protect their addiction. Do you need legal problems, like this? What will your parents say when you make that call from a Police station?
He paid you some attention, when it was convenient for him. You know nothing about him, other than your own emotion. This is not love. It is a relationship of hopeful fantasy, on your part. Please do not allow yourself to be dragged down into the mud.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Continuous anxiety is your body and mind being STUCK in fight-or-flight mode (which is the STRESS response). It means your body is being BOMBARDED. Please google: "Physiological Stress Response: Its Effects on the Body" and read the article on the "stressfocus" web site.
Continued stress will wear you down and make you sick. I'm glad you're going to the health center. Try reducing or eliminating the stressors in your life so you can stay healthy and do well in school :O)
Continued stress will wear you down and make you sick. I'm glad you're going to the health center. Try reducing or eliminating the stressors in your life so you can stay healthy and do well in school :O)
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Baghdad
Posts: 2,822
Originally Posted by iamhereforyou
Please help, if you had experience something similar and how you went thru this please share
THANK YOU
THANK YOU
Sticking around wasn't love, it was codependency.
Keep coming back, you'll find a lot of support here.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 13
Originally Posted by Learn2Live
Continuous anxiety is your body and mind being STUCK in fight-or-flight mode (which is the STRESS response). It means your body is being BOMBARDED. Please google: "Physiological Stress Response: Its Effects on the Body" and read the article on the "stressfocus" web site.
Continued stress will wear you down and make you sick. I'm glad you're going to the health center. Try reducing or eliminating the stressors in your life so you can stay healthy and do well in school :O)
Continued stress will wear you down and make you sick. I'm glad you're going to the health center. Try reducing or eliminating the stressors in your life so you can stay healthy and do well in school :O)
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 13
ANother day, and i dont know anything about him .when he calls a night barely talks to me.. Going to txt again if he is okay.. What is running in my head around and around is that he didnt start a week ago. he just didnt
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: far left of center
Posts: 237
Originally Posted by iamhereforyou
I want to be there for him, im not planning to leave him
You are not helping him one bit! As a matter of fact, you are most likely hurting him!
The only way he will get better is to hit bottom. That is to realize its only going to get worse. The most SELFISH thing we can do is deny someone the dispair necessary to choose a new way of life.
This is going to sound mean, but it really isn't - you're wanting to be there for him is based on your selfish need to be loved and needed and not on his survival.
STOP BEING SELFISH AND LET HIM GO! It is the most unselfish thing you can do.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
iamhereforyou,
You do realize that when a boyfriend disappears with no word, stays gone, communicates by text every once in a while, and hardly says anything when he DOES call is not a healthy relationship, yes?
just wanted to point that out ...
You do realize that when a boyfriend disappears with no word, stays gone, communicates by text every once in a while, and hardly says anything when he DOES call is not a healthy relationship, yes?
just wanted to point that out ...
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Humboldt TN
Posts: 114
Wise words, and remember, no amount of love you offer can solve his problems, and I agree with the stress comments, too. During the course of my relationship I stayed anxious, worrying about getting "the call", being woken up in the middle of the night to someone so drunk and depressed I damn near needed an interpreter to understand him, monitoring every word I said so I wouldn't upset him and send him running back to the bar.
Wish there was some way we could flip off a switch and stop loving them and let them go, but, we can't. Just take it from someone who has been there...yes, you may be strong, and yes, you have lots of love to give, but you are in for an awful ride and remember, it is up to HIM to get help, and you can't force him. My ex's big bro told me to let him "figure himself out", alone, so that's exactly what I'm doing.
Wish there was some way we could flip off a switch and stop loving them and let them go, but, we can't. Just take it from someone who has been there...yes, you may be strong, and yes, you have lots of love to give, but you are in for an awful ride and remember, it is up to HIM to get help, and you can't force him. My ex's big bro told me to let him "figure himself out", alone, so that's exactly what I'm doing.
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,064
I guess I don't understand how one can get so emotionally involved in just 2 weeks. That's not love that's lust or something else more like your needing something from him that he is not able to give.
Everyone on the board has tried to tell you from their own pain that this is just not going to work out and you are in very very early, early enough to not be involved emotionally.
I am an addict, I finally got sick and tired of using and then I reached out for help. No nagging, begging or pleading or anything would help. In fact begging me made it worse, it irritated me and made me want to use-- I hated myself and nagging only made me feel worse about me. He has issues with enjoying being high and needing to escape. You can't save him from that. If he wanted to all he needs to do is reach out and get help from a medical detox. He does not want to. If he did he would have done it or found a way. He does not care about himself enough now or anyone.
He has to at this point treat you so bad you finally have had enough and walk off. I hope he does this so you can find your way out of this. It is no way to live. I have nothing but your best wishes at heart but love is not this... this is nothing about what love is.
Everyone on the board has tried to tell you from their own pain that this is just not going to work out and you are in very very early, early enough to not be involved emotionally.
I am an addict, I finally got sick and tired of using and then I reached out for help. No nagging, begging or pleading or anything would help. In fact begging me made it worse, it irritated me and made me want to use-- I hated myself and nagging only made me feel worse about me. He has issues with enjoying being high and needing to escape. You can't save him from that. If he wanted to all he needs to do is reach out and get help from a medical detox. He does not want to. If he did he would have done it or found a way. He does not care about himself enough now or anyone.
He has to at this point treat you so bad you finally have had enough and walk off. I hope he does this so you can find your way out of this. It is no way to live. I have nothing but your best wishes at heart but love is not this... this is nothing about what love is.
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: far left of center
Posts: 237
"Frothy emotional appeal seldom suffices."
Meaning "Honey, I love you! Please stop!!!" rarely works. I don't know, maybe your case is the one in a million that is different. But to risk your life as well as his on a one in a million game of russian roulette is, well. . . as we in my home group say:
Yeah its gonna hurt, but you know whats gonna hurt more? 1, 2, 3 months. . . maybe 3 years more of this cr@p and he still dies.
Meaning "Honey, I love you! Please stop!!!" rarely works. I don't know, maybe your case is the one in a million that is different. But to risk your life as well as his on a one in a million game of russian roulette is, well. . . as we in my home group say:
NUCKING FUTS!!!
LET HIM GO - YESTERDAY!!!Yeah its gonna hurt, but you know whats gonna hurt more? 1, 2, 3 months. . . maybe 3 years more of this cr@p and he still dies.
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