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don't know what to do anymore

Old 11-27-2009, 10:40 AM
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Unhappy don't know what to do anymore

hi everyone,

i've been reading a lot of these posts over the last few months, and finally decided to join, as i feel so alone in my struggle to understand what is going on with a person i've become involved with, who is (trying) to kick an addiction to opiates. when we met, we hit if off right away as friends and then as time went on, feelings progressed. at this point, we had not crossed the line of friendship. then he told me about his addiction (3 yrs) and that he was about two months into a methadone treatment program and he wanted to tell me earlier, but did not want to lose me or have me judge him. he said he could not start a relationship because he needed to focus on himself and his recovery and any added pressure could cause a relapse. that being said, he wanted to remain close friends with me and that he'd never met anyone like me and i was a positive part of his life. of course, i appreciated his honesty, told him he would not lose me as a friend and that i would continue to be a positive person in his life.

over time, we became even closer friends and then the line got blurred. we started holding hands and kissing and even though i knew it was not supposed to be like that, i somehow deluded myself into thinking it couldn't be that bad to be close like this, but now i find myself slowly going crazy. he pulls me close, then pushes me away every other week, telling me one moment that he could fall in love with me and it scares him that i'll find someone more worthy, then telling me another moment that we are only friends. he keeps telling me he doesn't want to lose me and that if we progress to a relationship he will definitely fail at it, and then he will lose me for good. he said if i was still willing to be in his life after he got clean, it would be the greatest blessing of his life. i know he is being sincere and i am grateful for his honesty, but this is killing me. he is a good person with a beautiful heart, and i haven't had the experiences with him that so many people on this forum have had with their loved ones (lying, cheating, stealing), but it's so hard for me to accept this and i don't know why. he has been open and honest and willing to answer any of my questions. the one thing i am afraid to say to him is that i honestly don't believe the methadone clinic is helping and he's just subbing one substance for another and that ultimately, i think he should go to a detox/rehab center. i wanted to perhaps get some opinions on methadone treatment centers?

i have been reading a lot about opiate addiction and methadone, just so i can fully understand what he is going through. i also have discovered that i have some co-dependant tendencies and sometimes my behavior flares up (jumping to conclusions, paranoia, etc). i just have never gone through this with someone before and i feel so lost. i am in love with this man. i just feel like giving up sometimes and i don't know what to do anymore.

sorry this is so long, i am just at the end of my mental rope. thanks for reading and any advice would be greatly appreciated.
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Old 11-27-2009, 11:13 AM
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hi, welcome
the addict in my life is my husband of 23yrs. our relationship started out like yours and it took me 21yrs to figure out that nothing i did or didn't do would make him stop using, relapse or treat me any different. my decision to stay in a relationship with him was one of the worse decisions i've ever make. his addiction slowly began driving me insane so i had to separate myself after 21yrs of the back and forth.

sorry but in my opinion, the 'drawing in and pushing away" is typical addict behavior and trust me, unless he continues to be committed to his plan of recovery, his addiction will progressively get so much worse and so will you, if you decide to stay in this relationship.

what we suggest here is alanon or naranon, f2f meetings for family and friends, maybe you can search your area and began attending, my suggestion to you would be to focus more on you. maybe you could ask yourself if his behavior something you can live with for the long haul. keep reading, posting and learning all you can. there is a lot of helpful info in the stickies at top of the forum page.

it would be really good if he could go to rehab or detox but still, thats not a cure all. its only the beginning of his journey. recovery is hard work and it takes commitment. wishing you and him the best.
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Old 11-27-2009, 11:55 AM
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welcome!
My boyfriend has been on the methadone program for two years and is now starting to reduce dosage. I agree, it is trading one addiction for another but this one is highly controlled in the program and keeps the addict from craving and getting into trouble with other substances. They don't get high on the methadone and learn to live life without getting high and that's a big hurdle to overcome. My boyfriend is learning to be a grown up at 50! He's learning to be a responsible adult member of a household holding up his end of emotional and physical support. That's a huge change! Addicts seem to stop maturing when their addictions begin! Recovery is a slow process and he still has a long way to go but if I look back to where we began five years ago, he's come a very long way.
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Old 11-28-2009, 11:04 AM
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thank you all so much for your insight. i am so glad i found this community...helps to know i'm not alone.

i think i've always perhaps always known deep in my heart that really loving someone means being able to let them go. and i cannot detach from him while still seeing him or talking to him. it just breaks my heart, but from my experiences, i know that most of the best decisions are also the toughest.

i just hope i can stay strong.

Thank you all again.
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Old 11-28-2009, 11:16 AM
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Welcome to SR!

As ((Cynicalone)) said, methadone is a tool. It is only ONE tool of recovery...it eases off the cravings. I'm a recovering addict (RA) as well as a recovering codie, and recovery from addiction requires a whole lot more than just not having cravings. I had to learn to live life without wanting to "numb" my feelings...how to deal with the stuff "normal" people do and not want to reach for something to "make it go away".

For a lot of addicts, that means meetings-AA or NA. I have SR and some very supportive friends/family - some of which are recovering addicts. There is NO WAY I would have over 2-1/2 years clean if I had not had the support of other RA's. No matter how much my family loves me, they just don't "get" addiction and can't help me when I have those "using" thoughts. Yes, the thoughts still come, but I've developed other tools and have the resources to get past the thoughts.

You've gotten great advice - focus on you, and let him focus on him. Go by his actions, not his words. If he's JUST taking methadone and doing nothing else, in my opinion, he's not really in recovery.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy
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Old 11-28-2009, 06:14 PM
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I think the best thing would be:

1. Tell him to get a sponsor if he does not have one. It would allow him to become close to someone.

2. Regardless of weather or not you want to be in a relationship with this man, my advice to you would be to find an alanon/ naranon group to benefit yourself. You will learn about yourself.
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