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This may be off topic a little...

Old 11-25-2009, 08:34 PM
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This may be off topic a little...

Hello everyone. First, would like to offer everyone here a Happy Thanksgiving and prayers to all especially our loved ones that are still in the cycle of addiction and their families.

My RABF and I have had our ups and downs since we have gotten back together. Mostly, stuff on my end and trying to continue to stay on my side of the street and allowing him to stay on his with no interference from me.

Some things have come to light recently and to be honest I dont even know how to handle this.

My RABF is currently living with his eldest sister and her children. This is where he has been since I asked him to leave our home last October. When we first got back together we didnt even speak about living arrangements. Well now that we both feel we are on more solid ground the topic has come up.

I need to give you a little background information. In August he received his workers comp settlement that was a nice chunk of change. We spoke about the dangers of a recovering addict having this much money and decided that it would be best if the money was held in my name only. This was his idea.

After receiving the money he started to make financial amends to me and my kids. This was very important to him. After we split he later broke into my apartment and stole the computer (technically it was his) after I begged him not to because I was using the computer for school and NEEDED it. He took it anyway. So the first thing that he did was REPLACED it with a very nice lap top. He then went on to assist me in fixing my van, which was well over a thousand dollars. He also took my kids shopping for new clothes, paid for their school registration, got me caught up on some bills and regularly gave me money if and when I needed it.

I dont know if anyone of you remember but last March when he relapsed he took over 800 bucks out of our checking account and when caught said he had every right to the money because his name was on the account.

Anyway, his sister got angry about this. When he got his money she insisted that he buy her a house. He said no. When she found out about the lap top and car repairs she mentioned to me that his first priority should have been to pay her back what he owed her for allowing him to live with her. I didnt say anything to that because I figured it was none of my business she needed to take that up with him. Now I dont know if he ever gave her any extra money for that time but I do know that he is paying rent and has been since August. I also know that he paid over a grand for a dog that she wanted.

I am not saying that that should be enough, its none of my business, I am just stating what I know.

Anyway, to make a long story short his sister has now started to do things that, in my eyes, appear to be manipulation. She knows that he and I are intending to move out. The house she is renting is 1400 bucks a month and she claims that if he moves out she will not be able to afford to live there. I just want to say that they have lived in that house since March he started paying rent in August.

I really truly believe that she is trying to drive a wedge between my RABF and I. For example, usually he stays the night at my house with me and the kids and gets up in the am and goes home/work/school. But there are some nights he stays home. Well tonight he said he couldnt stay the night he had to help his sister with the cooking for tomorrow. Ok. No big deal.

So we are laying in bed watching a movie and his sister sends a text saying "when are you coming back here" he says later. Few minutes go by and another text comes "Your nephew misses you and wants you" he sends a message back to here that says he would be there. Few more minutes goes by and she sends another text saying "I am going out tonight and I need you to come home to watch my kids" he didnt respond to that one. Now here is additional information his other sister LIVES with them with her 3 kids. She was at home. Home body doesnt go out.

Now his sister and I have ALWAYS gotten along. Until he got money. There are alot of other things that have gone one too that point to this subtle manipulation. For example, when he is here she is sending texts that say his nephews miss him or pics of his dog and says Nala (the dog) misses her daddy. Sometimes she has even gone as far as to say he cant stay overnight with us because he has a responsibility to their dogs. That worked for a little bit but then he just started coming back over here. I had a problem with that because we have a child together and really I feel that his responsibility lays with me and our child that we have.

I know the reason that she is doing this. I know she is jealous. I know that she realizes he will be moving out at some point. I get that but what I dont know is how to deal with this.

I know that she is a control freak. I know that she enjoys making other people unhappy. I know that she is jealous of the relationship I have with her brother. I really thing that she is jealous because he got clean and we now have a normal relationship.

Her ex and father of her child was a heroin addict for years. He got clean and still was the same crappy person he was as an addict. They tried for over a year to make it work and they just couldnt get along.

It makes her mad that my RABF and I can work through our problems and be stronger on the other side. And I think she is a little greedy. If he leaves she is gonna seriously have to think about moving. I know she doesnt want to do that. She has been telling him for weeks now that he needs to help her remodel the house they live in because she feels at some point she is gonna buy the house. He refuses to because he doesnt want to put money into a house that isnt his.

So I am sorry this is so long but I just dont know what to do. I really dont. I have tried to talk with my RABF about it and either I am not making my point or he remains in denial that his sister is really controlling him. He feels that because she doesnt demand that he be home at a certain time or tells him what he can and cant do that its not control. But on some level he has to see it because tonight he was showing me the text messages. Why?

The only thing I said was "why do you have to babysit if your other sister is there?" he just kinda chuckled and really didnt say anything. It pointless for me to keep bringing up the control issues because like I said he doesnt either want to see it or cant.

I fear that this is affecting his decision to move out. Last weekend we talked seriously about moving out together and we agreed that if we found a suitable place we would do it. Now he is kinda back tracking a little. I asked him about it and he said nothing is wrong but my gut says that he is afraid to tell her he is moving because he doesnt want to deal with the confrontation with her that probably will end up happening.

If your with me still I really appreciate it. Any advice?

Should I just let it go and just trust the process?
How can I still have a friendly relationship with someone who is clearly stabbing me in the back?
Does he see it or feel it as manipulation?
What would you do?

Thanks
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Old 11-26-2009, 01:32 AM
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Ann
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So we are laying in bed watching a movie and his sister sends a text saying "when are you coming back here" he says later. Few minutes go by and another text comes "Your nephew misses you and wants you" he sends a message back to here that says he would be there. Few more minutes goes by and she sends another text saying "I am going out tonight and I need you to come home to watch my kids" he didnt respond to that one. Now here is additional information his other sister LIVES with them with her 3 kids. She was at home. Home body doesnt go out.
With love in my heart, this begs the question...why does he have his phone in bed with him? Why does he check texting and send messages while in bed? It's not what he says and she says that makes me scratch here, it's that he has his phone in bed with him and is texting his sister.

Sweetie, she sounds codependent too, but if she's unwilling to do anything about it you'll have to accept that, because it's her recovery to find.

Maybe think about what you are willing to accept in this relationship and what he is bringing to the table.

I really hope it all goes well for you, and for him too.

Hugs
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Old 11-26-2009, 02:08 AM
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Thanks for posting this - I am finding there are many issues that need to be dealt with when rebuilding a relationship with an addict in recovery and I wonder if they would have come up anyways or if they are a direct result of the addiction and the damage done, or if they are more my issues. For example, I totally relate to this (staying on my side is more work than I thought):
My RABF and I have had our ups and downs since we have gotten back together. Mostly, stuff on my end and trying to continue to stay on my side of the street and allowing him to stay on his with no interference from me.
As for the sister - manipulation totally comes to mind - and so do the 3 C's. They apply to non-addicts as well IMO. Your BF has to deal with it in his way (maybe a good way to see how he is working his recovery) and you have to decide what is comfortable for you. Decide what your boundaries will be with this woman....but don't play into her hand. The last thing you and your BF need is a power-struggle. Let her act neurotic if she wants, but you can remain calm and clear-headed.

You can't control the relationship he has with his sister but you can say what you expect from your own relationship. So rather than say "don't let your sister pressure you into not moving out" say "if we move in together, this is what I need..." or "I choose to not be around anyone who treats me this way" and/or "if we are going to do this, we both need to be committed to it 100%". Then be clear about the expectations you will both have for each other. Hope it works out.

Happy Thanksgiving to you too!
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Old 11-26-2009, 06:12 AM
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Thank you all for replying.

I know in my heart that there is nothing I can do about this situation. Nothing. Seems like its yet another testing of my ability to use the tools I have learned in recovery. Its just so dang frustrating. My biggest pet peeve in life has been people who act one way to your face and then turn around and are malicious behind your back. I worked with women like that for seven years and it was pretty close to working in hell.

I know that this situation applies the same way as addiction and that there is nothing I can do but it still hurts all the same. And I dont want this to end up being a power struggle between us. I have tried really hard to maintain my distance but its almost as if his sister senses this and then tries to be buddy buddy with me.

Its getting harder and harder to maintain status quo with a person you cannot trust or even like at this point. I try to see her actions as being codependent sometimes, only because then I feel sorry for her and I dont get angry at her actions, but that is hard too.

Its also hard to keep my mouth shut. I did that for years with my alcoholic mother. I did whatever I could (pleaser) to keep her happy and not screaming and yelling and making my life miserable. I learned not to be that way anymore and started detaching from people who made my life miserable. For awhile it made it worse but then my mother got used to me not coming around.

His sister regularly complains to me about the living arrangements and how this needs to change or they need to get their act together. Usually I say nothing. Its not going to add to the situation and she probably is just venting not really wanting a solution because the solution would be to move and go your seperate way. Then one day she was really upset and complaining that her siblings werent helping her enough around the house and that her sister in particular was a slob. Well this sister has always been this way. Everyone knew that. So I commented that instead of her being so angry about the situation just to accept as that she cant change it and know that this is the way the other sister is and be done with it. It only hurts her in the long run by having expectations that are just being unfilled. She said is it to hard to expect a grown woman to take care of her children and clean up after herself and her kids. And I said yes, because you knew before you moved in with her that she was this way. You moved in with the expectation that you would fix her and make her change. That is where all of your anger is coming from.

Later my RABF and I had a conversation about the same issue. I told him the same thing I said above and said that I had also told his sister that same thing. He was upset that I had said that to her. I didnt know what the big deal was. I didnt say it to be mean. I didnt say it to meddle I was saying it so that maybe she could see it from a different perspective and not be so angry over something she cant change. He said that that was me throwing salt on the wound and to just say things like that to him not his sister.

I really didnt see the big deal so I said whatever. Now I see why its such a big deal they all are trying to please their sister and hoping that she wont blow her top. I have given up that job because its impossible to fulfill. It took me many years to learn that but when I did it was freeing. Maybe this is yet again a lesson learned ALONE.

Thanks for letting me vent again. Have a wonderful holiday....
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