He is clean.. but...
 

My recovering ABF has been clean since July of this year. He is currently on suboxone, attends meetings, and meets with a counselor. My issue (that should really not be my issue, but I'll continue to rant.) is that he sleeps all day, and has no job. When I say all day, I mean ALL day, waking up at 7 or 8 at night. He says he worries about his dad who is ill, and just likes to be up at night. It upsets me because all day of sleeping = no job... Nothing. He has no money whatsoever, except for a monthly disability check that winds up going to his mother for bills, (I know this is true, because his mother has a problem with money and at times sells her husbands medication.) and the other bit of money goes to the bank for all the fees they change for overdrafts. I am sure his is clean, because of the place he goes to tests him weekly. I'm in a ramble. I wish now he would just get a job, even if its for two or three days a week. I am really loosing my faith in this, it seems like nothing really changed. I give him no money, and tell him he needs to find a job.... The best part, his counselor says that recovery is a full-time job and he really needs to focus on that and nothing else... Well all the nights he kept me up with his addiction, the money stealing, the tears... I went to work the next day... grrrr....

I'm there with you Littlebird. My AH lost his job due to his addiction so after he got out of treatment we decided that maybe it was a good time to go ahead and have knee surgery (since he didn't have a job) and he could concentrate on his recovery.

It will be exactly two years ago this Monday after Thanksgiving that we went into detox and a co-worker spotted him (he was a substance abuse counselor). The doctor did him no favors by taking him out of work for medical reasons (therefore no consquences or loss of license). He worked last Christmas for 3 months out of town and relapsed, spending ALL, and I mean ALL his money on crack. I was sending him money. Of course I didn't know otherwise I never would have sent him a dime. He went back into treatment after that job and has never worked again. He's perfectly happy collecting unemployment. It was his "paycheck".

Now he's homeless, using again and still collecting his "paycheck" which ticks me off because that's my dime and your dime and he's not making an effort to do anything but live off the system.

I understand recovery is a full time job but so is LIFE and us big boys and girls have to handle multiple things on a daily basis and we don't crack up (no pun intended). Nowhere in the program does it say that the participant is to quit life in order to work the steps.

That's BS. All sober living enviornments require their guests to become employed in X weeks or they get put out.

The only reason he is not working is because he does not have to do so.
He's got a place to sleep and something to eat. If people did not enable him, he would likely have to grow up and get a job to sustain himself.

Thank you and this is why I would like to say: "You have a month to get a job, any job or I need you to find another place." I know I will get the: "Oh your going to kick me out in the middle of winter." But I am tried and I really can't stand by this. I love him, but as far as romantic feelings a couple should have... nothing. I'm not sure if it will ever return, but when I come home after a day of work and night classes, its hard to have any feelings for someone that just woke up and was sleeping because they were "bored".. (He says he sleeps sometimes to pass the boredom) :headbange

Then by golly, say it. It's his choice to be out in the middle of winter, or not.

Again, most sober living enviornments require everyone to be out the door by X:00A.M. There is a reason for this.

If he can't find a job, he can volunteer his time and do something productive.

It's all about your own boundaries....for yourself. Is it acceptable to you to put up some guy who sleeps all day and does not contribute anything to the world?

Thank you for this... and I like your idea very much about the volunteer work. It is perfect! Honestly it is more about the productivity then the money.

((((littlebird))))

Your Bf is on Suboxone so he is probably clean from opiates but that does not mean that he is not taking something else.. the weekly drug tests may only be testing for opiates in his system.. sleeping all day and not working are not signs of a recovering addict.. they are signs of an active one.

Out to lunch hit the nail on the head here.... As long as nothing is changing then your BF is not going to change...so if your BF is not going to change then you are going to have too.

I was in your shoes about a year ago and I made the decision that I was not going to live that way anymore.. I deserved to be in a relationship with my husband, not in a relationship with someone that sleeps all day or someone who abuses drugs. One day I had enough and I had a long talk with my RAh.. I told him that I had had enough.. it was either shape up or ship out and he knew I was serious because as I was talking to him I was packing his bags..

Littlebird, decide what is acceptable to you and what is not and then stick to your guns... it may mean kicking your bf out of your home in order for him to get a job and straighten himself out..

Keep taking care of you...

I have nothing to add but wanted to send a hug.

This isn't easy, but you are wise to take care of yourself and set boundaries that work for YOU.

Guess I added something, huh :D

More Hugs

May I suggest that it doesn't have to be all or nothing. Perhaps a part-time job will get him into the swing of things. There are night time positions available as well. For my daughter, the best jobs were through word of mouth through her meeting friends. That way she had nothing to hide. It was very difficult for her to transition into a "real" job.

My xah was using...drinking ....but still passed all the tests. You need to think about you. My therapist said my integrity got me out.....that feeling icky...pissed all the time....mine xah never changed.. I did with alot of meetings....alanon and coda . It was sad and hard....but one day out with my girlfriends I heard myself laugh out loud and I went whoa....i am laughing and I will be ok. I got sick and tired of being sick and tired of his choices....

I agree. I'm trying to be a little realistic. He has group 3 times a week, a meeting with a doctor once a week and individual therapy once a week. The place tests for everything so I know he's clean. But I think with recovery comes a severe depression... This I feel is the cause of the sleeping. I live in a city and I feel with the holidays it would be easy to grab a part-time gig. If not, there are plenty of places to volunteer.

:Val004: