Scared to post
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 26
Scared to post
After 4 weeks of no contact, I allowed myself to be hooked back in. Last week he left me message that maybe he could see me. He suggested I come over to his place at the next day and he would be ready. I ignored him and was on my way to my Alanon meeting, at the same time when he called and I picked up, even knowing it was him.
The same song about how he missed me etc. and then the zinger, that he and his ex wife, her husband and their kids (his kids with her) were probably moving to another State and he wanted to spend the last few months with me. I went straight to "fear", that now there never would be a chance for us. Hello? There is no chance for us because he has no program, no help and is not willing to seek either and therefore cannot/will not stay clean. crack being the doc.
Fast forward. I meet him instead of going to my meeting. He is drinking and needs to detox, something I have allowed him to do at my house before. he "can't do it alone" because he will go get vodka and me, being the total idiot I am, allow him to come to my house. This time the detox is not as bad as "usual", no dts, seizures etc.
I drop some hints and eventually tell him that I have slept with someone in the past 5 weeks, and he goes nuts, telling me I broke his heart, why didn't I tell him before I did it, what a **** I am. I point out that he has been busy with his mistress, the pipe and rock and that I told him i was done the next time he picked up.
I hate sharing this stuff because i see all you long timers, me included, seeing how stupid and codependent I am. I tell him I am sorry I hurt him, but I don't owe him any loyalty and the intimacy I had with my friend is something I need and want. Not to be confused that the other guy is who I want, but the intimacy is it.
He cleans up and wants to pretend everything is "fine". Same old, same old. the moving away thing may not happen but it is something he wants because he cannot "live" here because nobody will hire him (small town). Real reason he cannot work is he cannot stay clean, but I kept my mouth shut.
Now I feel shame and an even bigger disconnect between my heart and head. My sponsor knows what is going on, but nobody else. I am going away Tuesday afternoon until Sat. and there is a large chance he will pick up. And I think that would be good for me, because maybe then I will finally do what I know I need to do and stay away from him. BUT if he does not pick up this week, then I wait, because I know it is just a matter of time. So what am I waiting for. is he that great that I have to live with this dread and denial? no.
I see how messed up this is. My AA reading today, which comes via email says the only two "sins" are impeding someone else's progress or ability to grow and impeding our own (paraphrasing). I am not a believer in sin, but the concept that I am hurting both me and him by staying involved with him, is not lost on me.
Awareness, acceptance, action. 3 cs (all alanon stuff). What am I doing? I don't see any upside to this, except for pretending that everything is "fine" while I wait for him to pick up. He cleans up nicely, but I always remember the darkness that is under there. And when he came over to detox, he reminded me how messed up he is/was, but that he has been like this for more than 40 years and cannot therefore change. Yet, in the same breath, he says that not everyone needs a program and maybe this time his clean time will be longer. I know how much bs this is. All excuses. and he does certain things when he is high with certain "things" that he still keeps. all waiting for the next opportunity, which I am sure is right around the corner.
Please don't yell at me on this board. I know what this looks like. I am not looking for "support" in what I have done, as my actions in the past week run counter to what I know is the next right thing.. I finally worked up the courage to post this because I am feeling some big self loathing right now.
NC Girl
The same song about how he missed me etc. and then the zinger, that he and his ex wife, her husband and their kids (his kids with her) were probably moving to another State and he wanted to spend the last few months with me. I went straight to "fear", that now there never would be a chance for us. Hello? There is no chance for us because he has no program, no help and is not willing to seek either and therefore cannot/will not stay clean. crack being the doc.
Fast forward. I meet him instead of going to my meeting. He is drinking and needs to detox, something I have allowed him to do at my house before. he "can't do it alone" because he will go get vodka and me, being the total idiot I am, allow him to come to my house. This time the detox is not as bad as "usual", no dts, seizures etc.
I drop some hints and eventually tell him that I have slept with someone in the past 5 weeks, and he goes nuts, telling me I broke his heart, why didn't I tell him before I did it, what a **** I am. I point out that he has been busy with his mistress, the pipe and rock and that I told him i was done the next time he picked up.
I hate sharing this stuff because i see all you long timers, me included, seeing how stupid and codependent I am. I tell him I am sorry I hurt him, but I don't owe him any loyalty and the intimacy I had with my friend is something I need and want. Not to be confused that the other guy is who I want, but the intimacy is it.
He cleans up and wants to pretend everything is "fine". Same old, same old. the moving away thing may not happen but it is something he wants because he cannot "live" here because nobody will hire him (small town). Real reason he cannot work is he cannot stay clean, but I kept my mouth shut.
Now I feel shame and an even bigger disconnect between my heart and head. My sponsor knows what is going on, but nobody else. I am going away Tuesday afternoon until Sat. and there is a large chance he will pick up. And I think that would be good for me, because maybe then I will finally do what I know I need to do and stay away from him. BUT if he does not pick up this week, then I wait, because I know it is just a matter of time. So what am I waiting for. is he that great that I have to live with this dread and denial? no.
I see how messed up this is. My AA reading today, which comes via email says the only two "sins" are impeding someone else's progress or ability to grow and impeding our own (paraphrasing). I am not a believer in sin, but the concept that I am hurting both me and him by staying involved with him, is not lost on me.
Awareness, acceptance, action. 3 cs (all alanon stuff). What am I doing? I don't see any upside to this, except for pretending that everything is "fine" while I wait for him to pick up. He cleans up nicely, but I always remember the darkness that is under there. And when he came over to detox, he reminded me how messed up he is/was, but that he has been like this for more than 40 years and cannot therefore change. Yet, in the same breath, he says that not everyone needs a program and maybe this time his clean time will be longer. I know how much bs this is. All excuses. and he does certain things when he is high with certain "things" that he still keeps. all waiting for the next opportunity, which I am sure is right around the corner.
Please don't yell at me on this board. I know what this looks like. I am not looking for "support" in what I have done, as my actions in the past week run counter to what I know is the next right thing.. I finally worked up the courage to post this because I am feeling some big self loathing right now.
NC Girl
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Baghdad
Posts: 2,822
Well, you can look at my posts and I did that 'thing' for over a year after I started posting here, self loathing was one of the mechanisms I used to keep myself stuck. Not a useful recovery tool. When you are ready, you will start doing it, to paraphrase someone else, you don't have to be strong, you just have to put one foot in front of the other, and pretty soon, you're walking.
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
You are not the only one that has struggled with this and reconnected with their addict or recovering addict. We are not here to judge but to share experience, strength, and hope. I applaud you for posting because we are only as sick as our secrets. You know the right steps to take for yourself but you also feel the conflict that occurs when we care for another person.
You are a smart lady and you will find your way. No one telling you to "get it" is going to make you get it any sooner. We each find our way through this maze in our own time. You are ready when you are ready - which is very similar to what substance abusers have to deal with. You can only do it for yourself and for no other reason.
I think that any steps that you can take to resource yourself (having a recovery community, counseling, good self care, friends, family) are great and allow you to grow and become stronger. As you grow and learn then new options and ways of being open up for you.
Instead of spending any time beating yourself up spend on focusing on what makes you stronger and healthier. Keep posting.....thinking about you.
You are a smart lady and you will find your way. No one telling you to "get it" is going to make you get it any sooner. We each find our way through this maze in our own time. You are ready when you are ready - which is very similar to what substance abusers have to deal with. You can only do it for yourself and for no other reason.
I think that any steps that you can take to resource yourself (having a recovery community, counseling, good self care, friends, family) are great and allow you to grow and become stronger. As you grow and learn then new options and ways of being open up for you.
Instead of spending any time beating yourself up spend on focusing on what makes you stronger and healthier. Keep posting.....thinking about you.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
Two steps forward, one step back - The Codie Cha Cha Cha.
His Ex, her husband, and he are all moving away?....together? Nothing weird there. HA.
So you met with him. You heard his line of bull. Now you know there's a new line for every occasion.
I had a serious case of self loathing back when I was just getting my act together and detaching from my XABF's quacking and BS. He got me to buy him a carton of cigarettes out of my own money, lied about how much he was drinking etc etc and I bought all of it. I figured it out right after it happened and I was ready to bang my head on my keyboard for my own stupidity.
It wasn't the worst bit of enabling I did in our relationship, but I thought I was really making some progress in seeing the truth in things.
Maybe that's what has you in knots. You were doing so well up until now and moving forward with your own healthy life and then you let his drama creep in. Where you used to be and where you are now are still worlds away.
Don't let this slow your roll, and don't, by all means, be afraid to post here. So many here have been right where you are and can be a great support and sounding board.
Hang in there!
Alice
His Ex, her husband, and he are all moving away?....together? Nothing weird there. HA.
So you met with him. You heard his line of bull. Now you know there's a new line for every occasion.
I had a serious case of self loathing back when I was just getting my act together and detaching from my XABF's quacking and BS. He got me to buy him a carton of cigarettes out of my own money, lied about how much he was drinking etc etc and I bought all of it. I figured it out right after it happened and I was ready to bang my head on my keyboard for my own stupidity.
It wasn't the worst bit of enabling I did in our relationship, but I thought I was really making some progress in seeing the truth in things.
Maybe that's what has you in knots. You were doing so well up until now and moving forward with your own healthy life and then you let his drama creep in. Where you used to be and where you are now are still worlds away.
Don't let this slow your roll, and don't, by all means, be afraid to post here. So many here have been right where you are and can be a great support and sounding board.
Hang in there!
Alice
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 26
Thanks for all the support.
He "supports" himself by asking his mommy for money. I have a high maintenance house, as I live in a forest and when clean, he does work around the house for $10/hour. Not enough work left for him to pay rent etc. He recently took a paralegal course and passed it. He could be hired but of course he is "special" and does not want to work a 40 hour week. Not my problem. I am OK with the money thing, having learned how to say "no". It is the emotional attachment by me to him and vice versa where it is "sick" and codie. The good news for me is that I really do have excellent support. The bad news is that I am not anxious to share with my friends that he is back in my life, even to this extent.
He is one of those rare addicts who can pull it together for a period of months (last time was 6 mos) but no recovery and no desire to change means that when the opportunity arises, he picks up. Clean time does not mean recovery, though he claims to "learn" everytime he is clean. I see it for what it is, which is time he enjoys (clean) but never long enough. He always claims to need the "escape", the "break", the euphoria. I have paid for extensive treatment for him. I no longer have any expectations. I no longer live in the "hope" that he will decide to take action. His decision is to take no action, which is a decision, and shows me where there is going, where it is, and where it has been.
NC Girl
NC Girl
He "supports" himself by asking his mommy for money. I have a high maintenance house, as I live in a forest and when clean, he does work around the house for $10/hour. Not enough work left for him to pay rent etc. He recently took a paralegal course and passed it. He could be hired but of course he is "special" and does not want to work a 40 hour week. Not my problem. I am OK with the money thing, having learned how to say "no". It is the emotional attachment by me to him and vice versa where it is "sick" and codie. The good news for me is that I really do have excellent support. The bad news is that I am not anxious to share with my friends that he is back in my life, even to this extent.
He is one of those rare addicts who can pull it together for a period of months (last time was 6 mos) but no recovery and no desire to change means that when the opportunity arises, he picks up. Clean time does not mean recovery, though he claims to "learn" everytime he is clean. I see it for what it is, which is time he enjoys (clean) but never long enough. He always claims to need the "escape", the "break", the euphoria. I have paid for extensive treatment for him. I no longer have any expectations. I no longer live in the "hope" that he will decide to take action. His decision is to take no action, which is a decision, and shows me where there is going, where it is, and where it has been.
NC Girl
NC Girl
Member
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 2,126
Hey ncgirl ----
I just wanted to second what everyone else had to say....a big thumbs-up to......: outtolunch; sailorjohn; lightseeker; cynical one; and ItsmeAlice....!
....and to you, ncgirl.....GOODONYA!!!!! As I read both your posts I was struck by how you've grown. Yes, you got sucked in a bit, BUT, as I read, I noticed that you had waay fewer "him's" and "he's" and waaaaaaaay more "I's" and "me's" ----- WTG on that road to progress.
NoelleR
I just wanted to second what everyone else had to say....a big thumbs-up to......: outtolunch; sailorjohn; lightseeker; cynical one; and ItsmeAlice....!
....and to you, ncgirl.....GOODONYA!!!!! As I read both your posts I was struck by how you've grown. Yes, you got sucked in a bit, BUT, as I read, I noticed that you had waay fewer "him's" and "he's" and waaaaaaaay more "I's" and "me's" ----- WTG on that road to progress.
NoelleR
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
Me too, ncgirl! You are most definitely on your way. And good for you for sharing. The anonymity of this board makes it easier. The thing that most jumped out at me was him stating that he has had this problem for 40 years - it's who he is. Hmm, sounds like he was saying in a pretty straightforward way that it's just the way it is for him.
Keep reading, and keep posting
Keep reading, and keep posting
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