kj3880

It's good to hear from you, Janet! I went back and forth with the man I thought was the "love of my life" for about 5 years. I don't regret it any more because it was a struggle that taught me a lot and part of what made me who I am. And it showed me how much I can love someone. I didn't know I was capable of that depth of feeling. Love is a beautiful part of the human condition, though it can be very painful.

I'm also happy I'm over it. I've learned that I can get more than one "Love of my life" too! There is hope. Hold on to your own recovery. One thing that I've learned in my recovery is if you can't let go of something, then hold on to it so tight that it drags you painfully. Then you will be able to let go.

Love,
KJ

NeedingHelp7

Exactly, the first time AH went missing our son was 3 yrs old (2005), older son was 16 yrs old. I resented so much that I had to go through such heart ache while trying to be a normal mom. It was so difficult to put a smile on my face when all I felt like doing was crying. He did it again 1 1/2 yrs later, I wasn't yet healed from the first time. I wouldn't wish that pain on anyone!!! And even then so much attention was going to AH, his health, his continued use of pills, his disappearing relapses were so disrupting our lives. Panic and fear that I was losing my husband was the worst, fear he was going to die, fearing son was going to be without him. Then next thing ya know I had a teen getting into trouble.

I have trusted HP to get us through each day, moment by moment. Fear and faith don't mix easily, but I certainly had both, the fears are leaving over time. Having to go no contact with AH was difficult, but I knew I had to do it for my own sanity. AH was very vengeful when he had supervised visits, during those times I believe his only intention was to push me over the edge. He didn't see that he wasn't safe with son alone, he didn't see those visits came because of his own destructive actions, he just wanted to tear me up. He got very, very ugly and scary!! He doesn't scare me anymore. I know who my protector is!! I have seen God do some awesome protecting!! When He says he hides us in the shelter of His wings it's true. When He says He is our refuge and strength and a very present help in times of trouble, He is!! And He too will hold, help, and protect you Mrs Magoo.

MsPINKAcres

((Mrs Magoo))

Just wanted to let you know you are in my thoughts and prayers.

I can imagine those are some really tough times and heartbreaking nites and days that you are going thru.

ODAT in Al-Anon pg 234 says "Never let me imagine that my satisfacation with life depends on what someone else may do"

That is an easy quote to read but not always an easy one to apply to our lives after we have spent many years consumed with "their" well-being.

Please hang in there - keep trying - keep loving you and remembering YOU are worthy and deserve to such a better life.

HUGS (hope, unity, gratitude and serenity),
Rita

MrsMagoo

Awww, thank you ladies! I got through my Monday okay this time. Fortunately, I was very very busy at work so I couldn't feel sorry for myself and I had step study last night too.

One of the questions last night was, "What in the past is keeping you from trusting God's will for your life?"

That was easy. I thought God brought me my husband. I had spent years praying for the perfect mate, a soul mate with whom things would be easy and natural. No games. Whaalah! I met him. He shared that he had prayed the same prayer and for a short time, long enough for us to become engaged, get married and get pregnant, life was bliss.

Now I am unsure of how to tell the difference between God's will and Janet's will because Janet's will is very strong and I can convince myself apparently that it is one in the same.

Thankfully I will be very busy this weekend with friends (thank God for friends!) so hopefully I won't wallow in worry about what AH might be doing this Thanksgiving, what soup kitchen he will eating his Thanksgiving dinner in and wondering if he has the least concern about us.

I DO have alot to be thankful for. We all do. We're here, posting. We have somehow survived.

outonalimb

Bless your heart Mrs. Magoo. The whole 'my will vs. God's will' is a definite struggle.

I was positive God's will would be that my marriage was preserved.
We sanctified our union before God...our child was conceived thru his will...and I just didn't understand how it could be God's will that my exah wouldn't get clean and our marriage would be destroyed. So I hung on for a very long time waiting for God to make things right.

After alot of prayer, I just decided that God's will was that I take care of myself and our son and that I leave my exah in his care and keeping. And thats what I did. yes, it was a huge struggle...so many tears...so much pain and uncertainty but I can tell you without any doubt that even though I didn't know it at the time...and even though I was mad as hell at him for 'abandoning' me and our marriage, I can see now looking back that God was with me, guiding me, every step of the way.

god was with me thru friends and family that loved me and held me up thru the pain. God was with me in all sorts of ways...I just didn't always realize it.

so good for you for focusing on those blessings. God's working in your life whether you see it or feel it. He's right there with you. Remember that, okay?

Much love.

NeedingHelp7

I was sure AH was Gods will for me too, and he probably was, then he became not Gods will for me.
I loved and adored that man!!!

Last Thanksgiving AH came last minute to the home son and I were invited to.
It was uncomfortable, and not a word was said at the table. I almost wished he didn't come, but he still had supervised visits at the time, and son loved us all being together. Christmas he picked up son (he was going to unsupervised visits at this time), he brought no gifts, took him to his apt, and did nothing Christmas morning. Thank goodness son got up to santas gifts here.

MrsMagoo

Oh my Gosh! That is so sad about your husband not having anything for his child on Christmas!

Very soon after I posted my last post, guess who popped up on my ***** Messenger. My husband. I sat there staring at this name for a good ten minutes because my heart was pounding and I started shaking inside, like when your really really cold.

My fingers were frozen over the keyboard and finally I typed in: "Hi. How are you doing?". This is how the "conversation" went:

Him: i cannot talk to you janet, jail is not a very attractive place
Me: I remember. There are pictures of the baby on Facebook.
Him: plse do not do this to me janet, i am in public, i can not do this
Me: I put them there in case you ever got on line. OK.... Sorry. I love you. Take care of yourself. Please.
Me: I will send your sister some stuff at Christmas and she can send it to you if you are open to that.
Me: I'll go now. My intent is not to hurt you. I just wanted you to know that I have faith in you.
Him: plse never say that, my heart is broke, i will send a little money this week, plse do not send me anything.

He signed off then signed back on and said simply, "Tell my baby I LOVE HER" and he logged off.

His sister sent me an e-mail when I got back from lunch saying she talked with him last night and he sounded GREAT but she had no other details other than he was doing fine.

OK.....God's will or Janet's will? I broke the restraining order. I was going to send him pictures and artwork that our daughter made at Christmas. Not presents. I think he's in treatment if he sounds "great" and has access to a phone and a computer. Do treatment centers usually give people access to the internet? That sounds strange.

I'm not going to obsess about this. Since no police cars have pulled up, I'm assuming everything is cool and he didn't call the law on me. I know I've dodged a bullet. I also know that after 4 months of no contact, it was good to see his name pop up on my computer. Whether it works out or not romantically between us, we have to practice being civil for the baby's sake right? AM I IN DENIAL? I'm not going to re-read this. I'm just gonna put it out there.

NeedingHelp7

A slight relapse on your part? Well your just having a moment of dreaming again. You have a very loving heart, and that clouds what his consequences are sometimes. Everything will be put back into perspective as you go through the grief process. I'm sorry Janet, it is all so heartbreaking. You want so bad for him to "wake up and get it." Your heart will be put back together again.

How long is your order of protection for?

MrsMagoo

I got it extended in September so for another year. I can have it revoked at any time but of course I don't want him to know that yet. He is broken-hearted because he thinks it means he can't see our daughter for a year even though the temp. custody order says all he has to do to petition the court for supervised visitation is to complete inpatient treatment, pass random drug screens and get an approved place to live.

I want him to know that if he does these things, I won't protest but I know enough from being in recovery to know that I can't make things easy for him. I've swooped in and padded his fall to rock bottom too many times. I just wanted to give him some hope. That's all. With the holidays coming up, I know they will be incredibily painful for him whether he's knows we're waiting and praying or not.

Please understand that I don't want to pick him up from yet another rehab and live happily ever after. I want a year or close to if of clean time before we resume any marital relationship. IF he can get his act together and get some solid clean time under his belt and IF he was even willing, I would like to date him and get to know him. He's not been the man I married for a very long time so short of being very familiar with physical intimacy, I don't know who he is or who he will be after all this or if I'll even feel the same way or be able to truly forgive him. Certainly I will never forget! Nobody can ever forget this nightmare.

Thank you for being around today to talk to me. I'd just be sitting here staring out the window at work if not for the comments back. I need the reality checks. I can't tell anyone else about what happened today. Way too much judgment.

NeedingHelp7

Well I don't see that he is anywhere near doing any of those things. I would say just sit back pray and see what he does in the next year. But please be ready for either answer.
Yeah, in a year from now you might could careless, and be able to move on without him whether he gets sober or not. The thing is, even if he does get sober, there is much brain damage and short of a miracle, the brain doesn't come back the same. My AH's thinking is still waaaaaaaaay off!!! He has 7 1/2 hrs a week visitation time and that is the most he will probably ever get if not less.

MrsMagoo

That is so true and was initially a very big worry. When he came off benzos in rehab earlier this year (by his choice, he wasn't abusing those. They are for depression, anxiety), he was jerking involuntarily, dropping words in sentences, getting confused, etc. The doctor's said it could experience 2 years of post acute withdrawals because he had been on them so long. The doctors ended up putting him back on them.

I'm going to prepare myself either way. I'm not going to rule out meeting somebody wonderful and worth my time but I'm not going to go out looking right now either. Everything is very raw and like you said, I'm grieving for him. I will pray and pray and pray that he can find himself, his self-esteem and his value to this world but that's really all I can do. I will pray for the same things for MYSELF because those things kinda went down as he went down.

7 /12 hours huh? That seems strange that the court did it by hours.

NeedingHelp7

My AH took pain pills and zanax together, so I know what you are talking about. Very frightening to watch the drooping, the can't put a sentence together, the knodding off, the throwing up. I feared for a long time that he was going to die on those 2 drugs alone. He's still alive, so that fear has waned off. He's pretty much "allowed" to take what he wants as long as it's prescribed by a doctor.

Yeah he gets visits Thurs 4 1/2 hrs and Sat 3 hrs. Thats all he can handle if that. His brain is toasted.

MrsMagoo

There has been a development.

Yesterday, I got a message on ***** Messenger that AH wanted to hear about our daughter. I gave him some information such as she has been diagnosed with asthma but it wasn't bad and that I have kept his photos up around the house and moved one to her room. Eventually we started talking about us (a little bit) and it was kind of ackward and I probably said too much about how I feel about HIM which is that I have a very deep love for him and I was working with a counseler to try and determine how healthy that love is.

He is supposed to get back on line sometime this week. He is in a transitional living facility, not in town. I did not ask where. I don't need to know for my own good. There is still the matter of the restraining order. I e-mailed a picture of our daughter to him because he said he dreams about her often but he can't see her face and that he has a hard time remembering what either of us look like. I took some more pictures last night and I'm debating on whether or not to send those too.

He told me that he had never been so "broke" before in his life. I wanted to scream through the computer "GOOD! GREAT! That was the point!!!" but I know I can't do that either.

I don't want to mess with his recovery because like I told him, I have a long, long way to go myself before I'm anywhere near healthy. There is no way I would ever just let him walk back through my door like I've done in the past because I honestly think there would be so many topics that would be off-limits and taboo that it would be difficult.

I would agree, after he has a job, lives on his own, see's our daughter per the court's instructions and passes several/multiple urine screens, to date him and SEE if there was anything left to work with besides "love". Wouldn't that be the proper way of doing things?

hello-kitty

I think the proper way of doing things is just to focus today and let tomorrow work itself out. Future thinking can be as detrimental as awfulizing. Just focus on the present. Stay in the now. A lot can change in the future and your higher power has it all under control. It's not healthy to think to much about the ifs, cans and buts... we have enough to keep us busy right now.

MrsMagoo

Thank you Kitty. I spoke with my counselor this afternoon and she said the exact same thing you did.

It's easy to get carried away with hoping for and planning for the future but I have to remember who and what I'm dealing with. I've heard all the promises. I've seen the pink clouds. I've stared disappointment in the eyes. I've watched dreams go up in smoke or out the door straight to the nearest pawn shop just like alot of others have.

I have to really buckle down and focus on me. I don't disregard him if he tries to contact me but I can't initiate contact either. I don't want to sidetrack him or myself from what we have got to do to survive in our own worlds. :praying

MsPINKAcres

((Mrs Magoo))

just wanted to send you a BIG HUG and thoughts and prayers of encouragement to keep taking good care of YOU and your little one.

I know you have been thru so much lately - please remember you are a strong and beautiful woman and deserve your Higher Power's very best!!

HUGS,
Rita

Callie

Whoa - how did I miss this thread Janet??

I agree with Kitty that you're putting the cart before the horse. I know that when my AH got out of the last rehab, we were for sure seeing pink clouds. That lasted about 4 weeks before reality and a relapse set in. Don't lose track of the war that you've been through. Janet, let him do HIS recovery and you stay focused on yours. (Easier said than done I know). Keep the focus on yourself and your kids. I know you're probably checking your IM's obsessively aren't you? You've come a LONG way in the last 3-4 months. Recovery can slip away very easily for us. One of the hardest things for me when RAH went into rehab was to let THEM deal with him. The best thing for me to do was to step back and keep my hands out of it. Call me anytime.

Freedom1990

I clearly remember praying hard about something concerning my then AH, came to a decision, and ran over to tell my sponsor about it. I had been no-contact for quite some time.

I told her surely it was God's will, and she looked me right in the eye and said, "No, that is DeVon's will."

I felt like I had been punched in the stomach. That hurt.

She was right.

The difference between God's will and my will is my will always hurts me in the end.

My suggestion? Don't play games with the restraining order. If you're going to maintain contact, drop the restraining order.

MrsMagoo

Hello again. Here's an update:

The ***** Messenger graduated to phone calls. The first few telephone calls consisted of yelling and blaming. Afterwards, AH sent me a text message saying how much better he felt to have purged what he had been holding in for so long and how good it was to hear my point of view and how I was feeling even it was difficult to hear.

We have decided to stay in contact and in January I will deal with the restraining order issue. He is 6 hours away in the mountains so for all practical purposes, this is going to be a phone relationship.

We have agreed to work on ourselves from our respective locations and do our own thing. Ultimately, we will have marriage counseling. He has admitted that he has alot of work to do on himself and things he needs to accomplish before he can even think about re-entering our home and being the man he needs to be and that I know he is. I will continue with CR down her and counseling and everything else that comes my way. I'm working on getting my house and my children in line and within the proper boundaries.

He won't be home before he has at least a year clean. That has been agreed to. He's going to stay and go to school, get a job and live there. Until he gets a job, he said he would apply for food stamps and send the card to me since he doesn't need food where he is (its a homeless veterans transitional living facility) and since he hasn't supported us financially since early July, said it was the least he can do. I'll take it. It's better than him getting off scott free. He does have responsibilities to us.

I'm pretty guarded and "keeping my hands off his recovery". I know he's broke but that's okay. I won't support him from afar and made that clear too. He's in a good place and I am too. This ought to be interesting.

The only thing that bothers me is that he asked when we could have another baby and I just laughed and said, "let's figure out how to take care of this one" but he insists he's serious and wants another child. I do not. I'm 41 and already have a 22 year old, a 14 year old and then 3 year old with him. I'm sure this is just part of the "pink cloud" because last year when he came out of rehab, he asked me to renew my marriage vows and I told him that after he had some decent clean time we would talk about it again.

I'm trying to be careful with my side of the street. I've told him that I will quit communicating with him if talking is in any way going to interfere with his plans and goals or if it begins interfering with mine as well. We can't keep going through this over and over again. I'm finished with it. He claims he can't keep doing it either, physically (using and detoxing) or emotionally (getting kicked out and coming back).

Ann

Distance becomes you, MrsMaGoo, it seems to be giving you time to sort out, not only your feelings but also putting your life back in balance.

I hear you loud and clear about the baby, lol, it seems he's eager to be there to create one but not too good at supporting and raising them once they arrive. Sorry, don't mean to make fun, this just tickled by funny bone.

Keep taking care of you, time will take care of the rest.

Big Hugs