Help!
 

I love this guy whom I met 2mths ago. We have great chemistry. He was on alcohol and cocaine but now has been clean for 1 year plus. He attends AA meetings regularly.
Ok the thing is he also has other issues. One of them is his bad reputation with girls. He's been sued before for sexual harassment and slept with quite a handful in his wild party days. But I don't mind all these and also the fact that he was a recent divorcee.

2 weeks ago, he said he wanted me to stay away from him after a flirting incident. I saw him responding to the flirting from another gal at a club. He even brought that girl to his house at her requests and totally ignored my feelings and presence. Being a little drunk and very upset, I yelled at him and couldn't remember much details later. The next morning, he said that I was a bad influence on him and he almost wanted to touch alcohol the night before. I asked for another chance. He seemed resolute not to. But 2 days later, he called and we were back together again, meeting almost everyday like before.

However, now our relationship is casual according to him but it's not, since we make love often and see each other almost every day. He said he cannot commit and will not since he's not stable. Yet he behaves intimately with me.

I am torn. Does he love me at all? Is he worth hanging around with? I feel like I am at his mercy. Please advise:(

He clarified his feelings, I'd say believe him...it's casual with sex.

Two things sent up red flags when I read your post...one was that you were drunk and don't remember what happened. I'm not being judgmental when I suggest that you might want to take a look at your own drinking and what it is doing to you.

The second is that after only a couple of months, you claim to be in love with a man who makes it clear he is not available. That's sad and you may want to look at that too.

Believe it or not, you're in a good place here. This is where we get to look withing and find out what makes us behave in ways that are crazy in relationship.

Take a read around, think about what you want out of life for you, and know you are worth far better treatment than the way you are treating yourself right now.

Hugs

hi, welcome to sr.

i agree with ann i'm concerned with your drinking and not remembering, i would check into that too. i also agree with ann about the man you love who don't seem to be available to you or for you, other than for casual sex. you may want to think seriously about whether or not this is the kind of man you want in your life. he's being sued for sexual harassment! that kind of says to me, he may not be such a good choice for you. you have your whole life ahead of you, i think you deserve better. mho

2 words: HELL NO!!

This is a classic relationship by hopeful fantasy.
I like the way Ann put this....he told you how it is....believe him.

Find your dignity and walk out the door. Then make sure you get tested for STDs in case he gave you a gift.

If he says you threaten his sobriety...for him you do.

Sounds like you are an option ... for now.

Lighten up and see the relationship for what it is...we only get pain when we
argue with reality.

If you don't mind casual sex...stay.

Thanks for all the advice. The thing is he did admit that he likes me but because he's not stable (since he's still early in his recovering from the addiction), that's why he couldn't commit to me. So if I leave him now, I will be missing out something, I do love him much and repeatedly told him so.. I want to wait for him to be ready. But on the other hand, I've good friends around me to tell me to ditch it and they are willing to put our years of friendship on the line because of this man, that's why I am so torn and confused.

So a question to RAs, is it possible that he loves me but he's not willing to commit in case I derail him from recovery? Frankly I only drink socially and don't touch alcohol when he's around anymore. So I find his concern unfounded. I want to learn how to love and support him through his recovery so that he will feel safe to be with me again.

This is a HUGE WAVING red flag, my dear. If your best friends who know you and have cared about you for years are telling you to ditch him, then ditch him. I wish I would have listened to my friends when they gave me the same advice!! Oh! How I wish I had listened!!!

If he is working a program of recovery than he would know that he shouldn't blame other people for his inappropriate behavior. Keep in mind he behaved this way while he is supposedly drug and alcohol free. He invited another woman back to his place, and can't blame it on a chemical. If your friends disapprove and you had to ask him for another chance, I'd take him for his word. It's nothing serious between you two.
You deserve better, and you'll find it if you give yourself the chance. :)

You are worth so much more in a relationship than this guy is willing to give.
Don't sell yourself short. If you continue to stay in this relationship, be prepared for more of the same... his bad behavior and him twisting it around where its all your fault. Sounds like he doesn't want in a commited relationship because he doesn't want to give up the other women.

In recovery, ACTIONS speak louder than words. What are his actions telling you?

One thing I learned was you cannot control their addiction or their recovery.

You didn't Cause it

You can't Control it

You can't Cure it

Sweetie, I don't think your problem is "him".

Why don't you mind? Why are you obsessing over a man who has made it clear he is not committed to this relationship? Why do you accept him bringing another woman home? Why, after only 2 months of what has admittedly been a shaky relationship, are you willing to put your life on hold and wait for him to become a man he doesn't want to be?

You don't have to answer me or anyone here. But I have a feeling if you think about those questions, you will find that the answer isn't "him". There's more "hims" out there, and unless we address our own issues and find some self respect, we'll attract every one of those "hims" like a magnet and continue the cycle until WE stop.

Hugs

yuki, First I'd like to say welcome to SR! It's not a mistake you ended up here.

I'm sorry you even met that guy you are speaking of. I think he knows he is only going to use you for sex (without commitment) which is a many A's other addiction. You said yourself he has a reputation with girls.

No, I'm sorry he doesn't love you. His sense of love has been very warped with probably a history of using women for sex.

No he's not worth hanging around with. Let him go.

He has more issues. At least he let them be known you. I'm only sorry it was with you.

Also, he knows not to hang around others that are actively drinking, it's dangerous if he wants recovery. I hope you understand this.

Hoping for the best for you.

Like what? A guy who brings another woman home and then blames you?

Again, Ann said it best....the problem is not him or his recovery. We do not know you and yet everyone of us knows you deserve to treat yourself better than you have been doing.

If having a 'challenge' in your life is on your agenda, stay.

Then have years (or frankly, however long HE USES you) of heartache.

You can have chemistry with many people.... why not choose someone who respects you? Clearly the answer might be because you are not respecting yourself. ANY woman who allows a man to bring home a girl, and then be the one apologizing, has some serious self-esteem issues.

NEXT.......... he can't be around YOU because YOU drink... BUT HE can be in a CLUB w/ a whole room of drinkers/druggies???????? HELLLO, this is a neon sign of this guys manipulative behavior... please.

Finally, If I met a guy tomorrow, who told me he was in AA..... I wouldn't bother dating him. (no offense to anyone here)......... but it's not something I'm interested in entertaining. (even some recovered addicts here agree). I have no intrest in investing my energy into someone who might eventually ruin my entire life, from a relapse. You need to think about these things......... and 2 months of a crappy coutship, certaintly dosen't warrent wasting your life/time on this man.

Love,
cess

I agree with all the others, especially with Ann who always says things so diplomatically!

My question to you is, what do you want with a man who doesn't show an interest in you....other than sex?

Nope, if I were you I would go back to the drawing board. Just my opinion. This is not a good thing for your self-esteem!

Hugs, Devastated

sending you lots of hugs, we really do care about you.

sweetheart,

i agree completely with the advice of everyone who told you to run, not walk, away from this future train wreck. i'd just like to add something else i think i see:
he's only a year clean and sober, yet he's hanging in bars, "dating" someone who uses one of his drugs of choice, and exhibiting using behavior (manipulation, distancing himself emotionally, using you for his pleasure). have you ever heard the term "dry drunk"?

I really appreciate all of your concerns and telling me the best advice from your experiences. It's just that I find it very hard to leave him NOW. My days will be void without him, especially most of my close friends have left me because of him. It's really tough...everytime I want to stop calling him, I ended up in his house. He treats me with respect, just that he doesn't want to be my guy at this moment. That's why I thought of giving him a bit more time, let our relationship grow, afterall it did start on a promising level. He's really very serious about not going back to his old ways. I was hoping if there's recovering addicts here in his similar situation can tell me if such a hope of mine can turn into reality.