devastated

Well, yesterday was my son's 47th birthday. I had spoken to him all week and, of course, have been so happy with him. He was funny and charming, and everything I could ask for these past months.

Yesterday he was going to come over for his birthday dinner with the gf, but then they decided we would just celebrate this on Thanksgiving. I can't tell you how I've been looking forward to that expecting him to look great again.

Last night, however, I got a call from the gf telling me that he went out and, was with a guy that is not only an alcoholic but a drug user as well. She also told me he had lost 8 pounds because he hasn't been eating and is constatnly doing something. Bad sign!! I was sick because I hadn't a clue that things weren't going well. I spoke with him almost every day and he sounded great!! She also sounded happy.

I called him on his cell, and he didn't answer. Finally he did call me back and said not to worry, he was fine and just hanging out with his "friend". I told him I knew about his friend, and hopefully he was going to make good choices. I also asked him about the weight loss. He made some excuse, but I came out and said "we both know what the problem is!"


Long story short, the gf said he couldn't come back to her house. She called me while he was there picking up his stuff and she asked me if he could stay with me for a couple of weeks while they work things out. I said, NO, sorry. She said he didn't ask, it was she that was asking. I had already told him he couldn't come to our home because he was back on drugs, and I knew it!

I told her two weeks isn't going to change a thing. Think about it, nothing has changed in the past 10 years, so what's the magic about 2 weeks. Anyway, got off the phone and cried and cried, but did not give in. I don't know what the outcome was whether she allowed him to stay or what, but Mr. Dev said I did the right thing by not giving him an out.

I also told him not to call me again unless he had good news!

He is still on parole 'cause he didn't finish paying his restitution and cannot get off until he does. Therefore, the parole officer should know all this, but I'll leave that up to them. This parole officer gave him wayyyy too much rope. He never gets tested only has to fill out papers and send them in every four months. DUH!

I was going to call the PO, but Mr Dev said not to.

Sorry about the long book, but have I ever been able to say anything in just a couple of sentences??

Hugs, Devastated

LeeRoy

So sorry for you. I think the worst is when we feel like we've been blindsided. Good for your that you held your ground. Wish you could find some comfort in doing so. Hugs and more hugs to you and Mr. Dev.

Impurrfect

awwwww, (((Dev)) I'm sorry. I'm praying that he shapes up REAL FAST before he ends up back in prison, but if he doesn't, it will have been his own doing that got him there.

I know, no matter how long you've dealt with this, it still has to hurt so sending you extra hugs.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

greeteachday

Dev, I'm sorry...I understand how disappointing this is but I am glad you held your ground. His conduct and actions are inside his hula hoop, not yours; not the PO's, not the girlfriend's. If he starts to realize he has to take care of this himself, maybe he will get something out of it. Hugs.

liesagain

its the hope that we have for our loved ones that makes these setbacks so difficult to bare..........but hope is all we have sometimes.

Be proud of yourself for not giving in, no matter how difficult it is to say no...........its sometimes all we can do.

Be kind to yourself
I will keep you, your son and family in my prayers

Ann

Awww, Dev, I know how this must just hurt your heart, and your son remains in my prayers every single day. Addiction really stinks and leaves so much family debris in its path.

God's got your son covered, He is on our prayer speed dial, and all we can do is let Him handle all that stuff that is bigger than us because nothing is too big for Him.

And with love in my heart, I'm going to remind you that we know the drill (even if we hate the army) so put down the guilt stick, put down that phone and just take a giant step back and let life unfold.

We both know that letting him move home will not help his addiction, it just brings it into our front room giving us a front row seat, and we both know that's the worst seat in the theatre. You did the right thing, which is always the right thing even when it hurts to do it.

It will be okay, life will go on no matter how he is doing, so try to find some peace and know that we're all here to walk with you and offer support and love.

We've walked a long way together on this journey, and we can walk a little further sharing our light and staying on our path. I love you, dear friend, and am saying special prayers today for you and Mr. Dev too, that the lessons of days gone by will lead you through this storm too.

Big Hugs and Lots of Love

teke

hey dev, i'm so sorry about your son but i'm so proud of you. you stood your grounds and as a ra, i see that as a good thing, not only for you and mr. dev but for your son and his gf too.
i can only hope my mil can one day come to that place. now maybe once he realize that noone is gonna pick him up, then he'll make the decision to do it himself. you all are in my prayers.

CatsPajamas

Awww Dev, doggone it. It's a sad situation for everyone. I have to say I admire the girlfriend's actions... it sounds like she has some good boundaries and a bit of a program maybe?

I remember having a very similar conversation with one of my sons - "I really don't want to talk to you unless you have something positive to say. I don't want you to lie to me, and I don't want you to bring your drama into my home." And then I cried and cried and cried, knowing it would be awhile before I heard from him again.

For awhile, no matter what his side of the conversation was, the only thing I said to him was "I love you so much, you're so smart and I know you're going to find your way." I said it on the phone, and even signed it on a card for his birthday and a graduation. It was all I could say that allowed me to keep my boundaries in place.

Hugs from mom to mom.

hello-kitty

Sorry Dev. I know it's frustrating. It's hard to remember "hands off the addict" when you are caught off guard by their addiction. (((hugs))) to you and your son too. I'm sure he'll get back on track. And the less his loved ones interfere, the faster he will get to where he needs to be.

cece1960

I'm sorry (((dev)))

NeedingHelp7

Hi Dev, I just hate it when the bombs drop!!
You did good, but I know it doesn't erase the sorrow you must feel.
Thankfully you know how to effectively handle each situation.

Huggs,
NH7

BBD

hI Dev, It saddens me so much to hear this. We get so excited when life is going down the right path and then ~~pow!! the other shoe drops. Sounds like your sons gf is on the right page and with you stepping aside maybe your son will get it together again. Whatever the case, we know we can't fix it. Stay strong and know positive thoughts are coming your way from NY.....Bonnie

Serenity Bound

(((Dev))) I'm so sorry to hear this. You did good, I know how very hard it is.

Hugs to both you & Mr Dev
Chris

devastated

Hugs & kisses to all of you, my dear "old" friends. I knew you would all understand.

You're right, NeedingHelp, it is really difficult when that bomb drops. Especially since he sounded so good. He really fooled me this time because he seemed just like his old self before drugs!

I sure hope you're right, Hello-Kitty, about getting back on track. It's either get back on track or prison!! I see the hand-writing on the wall in big, bold letters.

Hi Cats, yes you're right the gf is a good person that has not done drugs in 12 years. She's the best thing that he has had in his life for a long while. I guess I cried and cried for the same reason you did, that being I know it'll be a long time before I hear from him again...and the fact that I still have his birthday present here in front of me!!

Oh, Ann, isn't that the truth about him moving in here. I knew that it would be worse if he was here, and I had a front-row seat. I don't even know why he would consider being back here, since he knows full well how difficult I could be when he is not being productive. Well, I guess if you don't have any other options, it's better than nothing.

Yes, Ann, we have come a long way together. Fortunately, I have picked up a few survival tools along the way. I'm doing ok, sad, but ok. I only wish I had been this tough (yeah, right) years ago. Maybe if I had he would not be doing this now. I just keep thinking others have kicked it because they wanted to so guess he just doesn't want to.

Mr. Dev always reminds me of one thing and, that is, what if we weren't here what would he do then? He is a man and he has to find his own way. It's all up to him. I know that, and so does he. He also knows how much I love him otherwise, I wouldn't have hung in all these years.

Yep, you're absolutely correct, Liesagain, when you said "hope is all we've got!"

Hi Greeteachday, yep his actions are his own! It's not like he doesn't know what's right or wrong.

I said to him, "why do you want to hang around people that are bums?" "You are not one of them, and you were not raised by that type of person." "You are not without talent or education, or without a family that loves you, so why would you surround yourself with people that don't have what you do?

Thank you for your kind words LeeRoy. It is wonderful knowing I have always had such great support from everyone here. It has kept me sane! Well, at least I think I'm sane!! Some people might doubt that though.

Well, let's see what today brings. I will not call him on his cell, and he probably won't call me either. I have learned that "indifference" is a good way to handle him. After all, I've said everything there is to say haven't I?

One thing I did say to him when the gf asked for him to stay here for 2 weeks was, "if you could tell me what progress you have made in the past 10 years, I might consider it; however, you are in the same spot as you were then and, therefore, have made no progress! So, what will change in 2 weeks?" Call me when you have good news!

He sure picks the worse time of year to go homeless!! iT'S IS SO COLD AND RAINY TODAY.

Love you all, thanks for your continuing support.

Hugs, Dev

Impurrfect

(((Dev))) - I did the homeless thing in cold & rainy, even when we got the rare snow in GA. It was my choice and it helped me to get where I am today. We A's are tough...not too bright a lot of times, but tough.

Focus on you and Mr. Dev, sweetie, and let HP take care of your son.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

Ann

Mr. Dev is a smart man, and a sweetheart to boot. And he's right, they find their way without us, and I believe that's the way it is supposed to be.

Big hugs today for both of you.

devastated

Well I actually spoke with John this morning for a really long time.

I don't know what to make of this situation except that maybe I jumped the gun...but, then again, who knows. All I do know is he sounds very good.

I think the gf is in a terrible situation because her mother and sister have moved in with her, John and her son. According to John there is a great deal of bickering going on in the home between the women and the child.

The child who is 12 (I thought he was only 10) has become very disrespectful to the adults, and when John steps in to stop the child from bullying his gmother, the aunt tells him to mind his own business. Then the gmother agrees!

Guess this has been going on for quite a while, so this is why the gf wanted him to stay away for a while till she could maybe straighten out the mess. The gf got John to stay with her father right down the street. John and the Dad get along well, as John helps him out with plumbing and other problems.

Now, although I have a gut feeling that he has used again, maybe I'm jumping the gun saying he is back to them 100 percent. I mean when he talks with me, and explains the dysfunctional living situation at the gf's home, makes me wonder. Of course you know how much we love to believe everything they tell us.

He said Monday he and the gf going to counseling and are asking the mother and sister to go as well. He said the gf and he have agreed that whoever doesn't go to counseling must leave. So, don't know what to think. The gf told me this as well, so I know he's telling me the truth about that.

He says he can no longer tolerate the disrespect the child is handing out to the adults. He said the aunt has completely taken over the child and is turning him against his mother and John.

John says he hears the child talking to the grandmother and, although he tries to mind his own business, he cannot stand by and allow the child to speak to her the way he does. For example, he said he was in the bedroom and he heard the child saying to his grandmother, "I said to f***** do it right now!" He said they allow it and every time he or the mother step in to correct the child, the grandmother or aunt defend him. He also told me the child shouldn't be told many of the things that are going on because he is far too young to involve in adult situations. Finally he said, he has given up trying to correct the child and just started staying in the room away from the group. He said he will not, however, allow the child to speak to him with disrespect and, for this reason, the child wants him out of the house.

The sister is going out with a sheriff now and has threatened John with telling that he is on parole. He said if he gets a call from his PO he'll know it was the sister that contacted him. I asked so what? If he tests you, and you test clean, no problem. She can call all she wants.

So, who knows what's up with this mess. I once again said it would be better for him to get a job so he could get his own place.

I'll know more when I see him in person, which should be Thanksgiving if all is still well.

He may be "conning" me. The only thing is the gf did tell me the situation with the mom and sister is really toxic, but they will not leave. I don't understand it because the mother is married and has a home of her own. I know the man she is married to is about 20 years younger than she is, so maybe they're having problems. Don't have a clue just know they are all very dysfunctional!

I feel badly that I would not allow John to come back home now, but didn't know the whole story. Even so, I cannot allow him back here until he decides to take any job. I know jobs are really hard to come by, but seems to me in 1 year you could find something.

So that's the follow-up! This is worse than Peyton Place!

Hugs, Devastated

Ann

Oh Dev, you are so wise to stay right out of this mess. There is nothing in there that has your name on it, so keeping your distance is a very smart thing to do...and must make Mr. Dev very proud

Using or not using, when we keep a safe distance we don't get drawn in to the drama and it's quite a treat to come home to a nice quiet house, yes?

Big hugs to you. Keep doing the "do" things and you will be fine.

Hugs and Love

coffeedrinker

Hello Dev,

Why would John's gf talk to you as if he is using (telling about the friends, etc) if he is not? She, the closest one to him, would know best I think. Anyway, you did do the right thing by saying "no". Alot of times the addict will deny their use, but sometimes they simply say nothing. I have figured out that when my AB says nothing to a comment I make, it's him copping to it.

I guess all that doesn't truly matter, but I'm sorry these people have no boundaries. It is the GF's son, yes? Then it is her discipline issue to contend with, not John's (even though he hates the disrespect) and not the grandmother or aunt. She might need to grow a backbone when it comes to her mother and aunt, and tell them that if they interfere with her parenting, they need to stay elsewhere.

Good luck, and glad she has a good relationship with you.

ncgirl

Dev:
I know how hard that must be. I understand being blindsided. I am the gf with a guy with a major (is there every a minor) crack and alcohol problem, and his mommy still "saves" him when he asks. Your son needs to learn, and I pray he learns his way before he dies. You seem like you have great boundaries and that you are looking out to protect yourself and your husband. An active addict thinks only about him/herself. While I know this, it is tough for me to stay detached from someone who is living a life that I want nothing to do with. Why then would I want a front row seat to the drama? I don't.
I am glad that you have so many friends on this site and so much support. I hope that someday I will too have the same from this site.
Hugs.

NC Girl