pray4serenity

Hi everyone
I'm a relative newcomer but I've been reading other posts and it helps to see others are going through this to.
I just can't get my AS out of our home. He is supposedly waiting on a call back to get into a rehab, but he has lied to me so much that I don't believe anything he tells me anymore. He was in jail recently for not paying a traffic fine, I thought that would be a great chance to get clean, but they let him out after only three days.
I am the world's worst enabler and he is the best manipulator. Today, he has been calling and texting me all day asking for $20. He is sounding very suicidal and making those types of innuendoes. Doesn't want to live anymore, just trying to get through one more day, etc. I always give in then hate myself afterward.
My finances and self esteem are shot. I have been to a few al-anon meetings, but he is doing this on a daily basis and it's wearing me down.

I have read other posts of ex addicts that say they didn't get better until their families turned their backs on them. Why am I having such a hard time doing this when I know deep down it's the right thing to do?

I appreciate you all. Thank you.

outtolunch

Addicts need enablers.

If I recall, he does not have a job or a car. No doubt, every $20 you give him goes up his nose or into his arm and the next dose might be the one that kills him.

Visualize this. Remember this. It will give you the strength to say no.

No is a complete sentance. There is no neeed to explain yourself or appologize.

Wolfchild

You may be experiencing some withdrawl syptoms from the relationship. Your taking care of yourself first and staying committed to that, it will feel odd for awhile until you start to see the positive results of your decision. i would encourage you to practice a little abstinence from this person, i.e.- stop taking phone calls & texts. You've made a different decision, but yet your continuing in the same pattern of behavior. It's no wonder you feel torn in two! If you were hitting your thumb with a hammer and it was causing pain, you would stop doing that, yes?

teke

your son knows you are a great enabler and he knows he can manipulate you into giving him what he wants. i'm one of those ras whos family took a step back and let fall. it was the best thing they could have done for me even though they were helping themselves.

i agree with maybe not answering the phones for him or his text, maybe unless he's talking rehab. addicts are very resourceful, even if you decide not to continue to enable him, he's gonna do what he want to do and there is not much you can do about that. take care of you.

sorry he is causing you so much pain. it may/may not be what it will take for him to reach his enough point. i'm praying for the both of you.

Spiritual Seeker

Nothing changes if nothing changes.
You must decide that you want the insanity to stop and stop participating.

His addiction is affecting your life as negatively as his own.
Tell him you will drive him to a rehab or a shelter...and do it.

Stick w/ alanon and work the program, get a sponsor, read the literature.
Get a therapist. Get yourself healthy as your are a participant in dysfunctional family dynamic. You can break free.

Let it beg. with you. Your son's turn to get healthy only has a chance when you stop the enabling.

OtherHalf7

Truly suicidal people typically don't call loved ones...he's got your attention, as he probably wanted to...praying for you, for strength and guidance.

painter

Mine is AD. She is 27. I did not turn my back on her. I saved myself. I can kill myself but I won't allow her to do it to me. I know it hurts and breaks your heart, but what is worse is keeping them doing what they are doing. Giving money is one of the worse things you can do. It always goes for their drug of choice. Nothing else. I refused to help my child kill herself.

splendra

so sorry you are going thru this I know it is terrible for you.

Ann

I am surprised that $20 is still the magic number. That was the amount that always caught my radar, until my son started changing it to $32.00 or $29.50 thinking I wouldn't catch on.

When I finally stopped giving him money, regardless of how pathetic his plea...what I reminded myself every time was that the money was to buy drugs and I wouldn't go out and buy drugs for him no matter how much he begged.

I went through tens of thousands of dollars over the years with my son, money I could not afford. Think about how much you want to spend before you end up saying no anyway.

Big Huge Hugs because I know how hard this is.

coffeedrinker

Prayforserenity:

How are things going?
I think you will be surprised and amazed at how much better you actually will feel when he is gone. Yes you will still worry and wonder. But still, I think you will breathe easier.

It's the hopefullness that keeps you stuck, it's the manipulations that keep laying a trap, and one reason is because you are never 100% sure. (What if he IS telling the truth this time, what if he DOES wanna get clean...) If he did, sweetheart, he would already be there because you would have taken him. If one particular place has a waiting list, go somewhere else.

You can't get him out? Ask him for his housekey - before he has the chance to make a duplicate. If he won't give it, change the locks when he is gone. He needs a literal and a figurative closed door.

Check back here often; it will give you clarity and strength

JMFburns

pray4serenity,

I fully understand where you are and what you are feeling, I've been there sooo many times. Hating myself for giving into my son yet feeling totally unable to do anything different. Issuing threats all the time that I wanted to follow through on, but couldn't bring myself to follow through on. The only thing I had going for me was my son doesn't live in my home anymore, but for awhile I was dolling out every penny, nickle and dime I had including money I didn't have - taking payday loans, not paying bills, etc. to give it to him.

I go to NarAnon and AlAnon and gather any strength I can and read here on SR to get any help I can.

I am a slow work in progress, but even the little steps I take are great accomplishments. I love my son so much my heart aches, but I realize I cannot live his life for him. He no longer knows my home phone number, I no longer have a cell phone to keep in contact with him, at times I've had a coworker wait with me for a bus going home so I wouldn't be tempted to give in to him, I've not answered his phone calls at work on days he was desperate. I will never bail him out of jail again, should he find himself in that position - he does have warrants, so unless he proactively takes steps to resolve them they will eventually catch up. Like I said, they've been small steps, but each small step gives me some piece of myself back.

He is currently in a recovery/sober house, he checked himself into rehab and went from there to the house. I think he may have seen me getting to the end of my rope and was grasping at straws to 'stay on my good side', whatever, he's had a place to live for 4 months, outpatient counseling, counseling appts., and madatory 12 step meetings both at the house and outside of it. It's his job to work on his recovery - I pray he's doing that.

Joan

Kindeyes

Oh my....do I ever know how you feel. I'm right there with you....except (thankfully) my AS no longer lives under my roof. But I still get the text messages and phone calls telling me about all of his problems, he's so broke, he's going to get evicted, he can't find a job, he hates the job he has, his employer does him wrong, the world is an ugly place, life sucks, he's going to "end it all"......it wears you down and tears you up. He tells me that I am blind and can't see "the truth". He yells at me. He makes me feel like a worthless piece of crap.....it somehow makes him feel better. I let him do these things to me. Isn't that the sacrifice a mother makes for her child? Suffer for him so that he doesn't have to suffer for himself?

It's funny......I found letters I wrote to my son 10 years ago saved on my computer. I went back and read them this morning. I was amazed that nothing has changed. Thousands of dollars spent. Rehab. A child (his son). Failed relationships. Unable to hold a job. Abuse toward me. It was all there in black and white......the same story. Nothing has changed.

I am in (for the second time in the last month or so) a no contact situation with him. I realize that I have ALLOWED MYSELF to be held hostage and abused by my own child for the last 12 years. It's time that it stopped. Now. Today. He's 28 years old and doesn't need me to take care of him.

I am not healthy for him....I trigger something bad.....in him. He is not healthy for me. It just is what it is.

So today........I am going to do what is healthy for me.

It is so very difficult to do this when he lives 15 miles away from me. It's impossible when he lives under my roof.

My thoughts and prayers are with you. I understand your pain, confusion, and anguish. The awful truth of it is....only we can stop it.

gentle hugs

gotahavfaith

I just wanted to say that I know how your feel. We all seem to do the same things for our kids. Wear ourselves down, put ourselves at the brink of financial ruin, etc., in hopes that this one last time something will change. But we all know, it never does. Not until they want to do something different.

Just wanted to send you big hugs. Please take care of yourself.

Gotahavfaith

Chino

With everything in general, I used to choose the path of least resistance. I would sacrifice my future for one moment of breathing room in the present. That was fine except that I continued procrastinating doing what was right for me, eventually causing myself bigger headaches.

Addiction finally wore me down and I had to start investing time and money in me, instead of my daughter's addiction. I needed direction and reinforcement, found it with a therapist, 12 step program, and this wonderful website.

I'll always remember reading this here: Work the program you wish they would.

It's literally saved my life and enhanced it.

Sending prayers your way.

yuki

I pray for you to be stronger. Good luck!

Serenity Bound

pray4serenity, hugs from one mom to another. Been there also.

Spiritual Seeker

- Many of us realized that we also have "defects" and/or codependent
behavior patterns and dysfunctional attitudes.
- They are dysfunctional because they do not work to
help us have a Loving, fulfilling relationship with ourselves.
They are a part of the disease of co-dependence that we ARE powerless
over as long as we Are unconscious to them.
- By starting to get conscious of these behavior patterns and attitudes we start
to access the power to change them.

This is what step 1 - 4
DID FOR ME...
IT ALLOWED ME TO Truly become conscious...which then left the
necessary opening for change.
:ghug3

cherrie1

I too know what you are going through. As mother's we want to "help" and fix things but with addiction we eventually learn we can't. It takes some of us longer to figure this out than others because there is always that little doubt that maybe this time... My son is currently in recovery however it truly is one day at a time. We have been through this several times. Whenever we called to get him into a rehab he got in that day, We never had to wait several days for a call back, so I don't think I would believe that one. One of the things that helped me the most is listening to the addicts in recovery on here because all of them say the same thing. They all say they did not hit their bottom until the family stopped helping them. So as hard as it is for us mothers we need to get strong and stop enabling so they can hit their bottom. Hugs to you, hang in there.

OtherHalf7

My ASO's mom asked me to tell her the truth about her son, and I did today. She said "I don't see any of this" and "I have to believe my son". She knows as well as I do that he's been an addict of some form or another since he was sixteen...why would he tell her the truth, now?

I invited her to join, as she is "on the edge" and "can't handle this anymore".

Praying for you Serenity, for his mom, for my mom (baby sis is an addict, too) and trying to stay strong, too.