Sarahspeaks

I've posted here before and found much comfort in the support you folks shared ! I thought this situation was behind me but ... apparently not ..... so here I am again !

Every now and then I do a big cleanup on my laptop ... as I was doing this I happened across a chat conversation between my youngest daughter(15) and one of her friends. It seems her 2 older sisters(21 and 23) are using again ..... Coke is the drug of choice ... on a recreational basis. We've dealt with this issue before and I truly believed after everything we all went through it was a dead issue ...... apparently not!

My young one is afraid to tell me because she is worried about how her sisters will react if they find out I know and she told me ...... but obviously I can't pretend I don't know .... now that I know ..... but I also don't want to put my youngest in the middle of all this.

In spite of all the ugliness they are (all three very close) but knowing this is happening again is killing me ......... I realize I have to confront them but I don't know how to approach either one of them.

What is it about this drug that is so seductive ...... neither one of them has alot of money because they are both going to school (and working) ..... I see their marks and they are doing well .... they are both very attractive women and seem to have lots of friends ..... they have so much going for them ........ why do they insist on playing with this fire ....

I'm afraid I can't go to war over this again..... emotionally I've been struggling with issues of my own so I know I'm going to have to get support from somewhere so I can do this ...... any words of wisdom you can share would be very much appreciated!

I think the thing that hurts me the most ...... is the lying .... the lying .... I have always had an open door policy with my kids .. we talked about everything ..... and I mean everything .... I can't understand where I went wrong ..... what more could I have done ....... damn ....... damn them both !!

Sara

Sarahspeaks

One question ..... is it even possible to do coke on a recreational basis .... safely ..... I've done a lot of research and still don't know the answer to this question. Can you do a line now and again like you have a drink without getting hooked ????

Sara
- you know when I read that question back to myself it sounds pretty desperate ... doesn't it !!

Sarahspeaks

I wanted to delete my post above but couldn't figure out how ???????? ... anyway the reason was because I realized looking back at some of my older posts I see I've asked this question before ...... so I guess I have my answer .... I really am desperate and apparently totally stuck in denial !! God help me ....

Sara

JMFburns

Sara,

I'm sorry for what you are going through right now. Keep reading, posting and you might want to try a face-to-face meeting, either NarAnon or AlAnon.

My son has not done 'coke' that I'm aware of, his doc is prescription pain pills. So, I don't have any experience in that area.

I just wanted to let you know you are heard and not alone. Take care.

jerect

What happens when you confront them? Will they come clean or will they get on the defensive and just give you a bunch of lies. You already know the truth, there is no need to confront..

The best thing you can do is start taking care of you.. What are your bondaries? What are your limits as to what you will and will not tolerate?

Your daughters are of the age where there is not really a whole lot you can do about their drug use.. Because they are over 18 you cannot force them into treatment. Confronting them at this stage is just going to make the situation worse.

I don't think you are in denial because you are posting here, you are just coming to terms with the ugly truth..

I guess some people can use cocaine recreationaly but certainly not safely.. but if there has been a problem in the past with your daughters drug use then they are most likely not using it occasionaly.

Get help for you and your 15 year old daughter.. your 15 year old needs to understand what is going on and she needs to know that this is not ok..

(((((hugs)))))

Jen

katie44

So sorry you are going through this. Yes, there are recreational users however every addict out there that started using drugs never dreamed that it would become an addiction. My AS started using cocaine and 5 years later is a full blown addict. I can remember speaking to him on the dangers of cocaine his reply was " Iv'e got it under control and I only do it once in a while" As you know cocaine is a very dangerous drug and once is too many times.
You have no control over what your daughter's do and you can't control it. I on the other hand would let them know you know what they have been doing. I'm sure you will get a whole lot of lies and denial. I believe you need to have open communication with them.
You are not in denial your first step was coming here.

outtolunch

You did not cause this.

Parental control of the choices of adult children is an illusion.

Beyond using cocaine, their choice to share this information with their 15 year old sister.....is not good judgement.

I do not know where recreational use stops and full blown addiction begins. I do know that it's common for one drug to lead to another.

Our president disclosed that he smoked pot, experimented with cocaine and thought about using heroin. He made mistakes in his youth and learned from them.

smacked

No, you don't. They are adults.

Even attractive people with friends make horrible decisions, and can become addicted to substances like drugs and alcohol.

I hope that you find help for what YOU are going through.

Sarahspeaks

Thank you for saying that Smacked ..... reading that again I realize how shallow that sounds ! I know that looks have zero to do with making good decisions .... I guess I'm just talking blah blah blah .. trying to make sense of this !

I appreciate all of everyone's comments ..... but I really really hate this ... you all demonstrate such strength !

Sara

sofacat

We all need a good venting session every once in awhile. Most of the time the answers we are looking for reveal themselves while we are venting! It's all good!

I agree with outtolunch... sharing this info with a 15 year old is dangerous and irresponsible. Seems like you may have something to add to your "boundaries" list!

Good luck with this. Let us know how it goes & thanks for venting!

sofacat
An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile, hoping it will eat him last.
-Sir Winston Churchill

Heretotalk

This will sound weird... but

Consider going to al anon meeting and getting your youngest into Alateen.

That will be your best defense over her getting into addiction as well.

It will broaden the topics you two can talk about. And give her tools to understand what is ok and what is not ok she can use for life.

- Susan

Sarahspeaks

We live in a very small rural town so there are no support services like that available here ..... I reach out online obsesively but I know face to face would be ideal. We live pay cheque to pay cheque and I work 2 jobs so driving 2 or 4 hours to the closest meeting on a weekly basis is not an option for me.
I have been in touch with the Addictions Foundation in the largest city closest to us in the past so I am familiar with the programs et al. I just wish so much I could get at least one of my girls to go themselves - they do live there !

I just want so much for my kids to be happy and healthy - and make good choices - I wish it didn't have to be so hard - for all of us ******{sigh}}}

Wish wish and wish some more .......

Sara

coffeedrinker

don't fret about that statement; i totally get it. we wonder why our child, so beautiful, smart, and gifted in their own way, would throw all their potential out the door like these bright young women are doing. it is so painful, and we just don't understand. i just see a mother in pain, grasping at straws, and verbalizing her anguish.

i would agree that any involvement your 15-year-old can have in alateen (online, a message board just for her, alateen books?) would be beneficial. also, that confronting seems pointless, unless you're hung up on the "I know what you're doing, damnit!" which i was for several months earlier this year. it is so horrible being told the lies and i wanted to shout "how stupid do you think i am - stop lying to me" more than once.

just remember, don't make it personal. cuz it's not

splendra

I have known a lot of coke users. I suppose their are people who can do it recreationaly. But not many.

I have been trying to find out why these people seem to choose this drug. Coke users as well as other drug users have brain imbalances probably most of which stems from the sugar imbalance that most all addict/alcoholics have. In fact if they don't have this sugar imbalance they most likely are not an addict/alcoholic.

I wonder when doctors are going to get smart and test for sugar imbalances in all people. They want to do all these test but they don't do the ones that would yeild the most results. We keeping making more and more laws and putting sick people in jail it is reaching a critical mass. Addiction is probably the biggest health problem in the world.

We have these metabolic imbalances that nothing is being done about. The laws governing food are absurd and ridiculous for the most part. All this GMO crops and aspartame and that other crap splenda I am splenra ha ha I know....right? High fructose Corn Syrup made from GMO corn all this stuff is a factor in the increasing addictions problems. People need to get screaming mad about what they are doing to our foods. You may have heard of the free market it will only work if the people who buy products stop buying the total crap that is being put in foods. I would go a step farther and say if you drink diet or regular soda only one a day you most likely have a sugar imbalance that could advance you into active addiction. Until the sugar imbalance is addressed I don't see how addiction will ever be cured. I know city folk can't hardly eat anything that does not have one of the above mentioned very bad for you ingredients. Remember the soda thing I told you about too...

Oh and here is an excellent link that discusses this

The Food-Mood-Body Connection ... - Google Books

jerect

Thats very interesting.. as a person that loves to research any and all possible causes of addiction I'm definetly going to look into that possiblility as well.. my AH is clean but he eats a lot of junk and fast food now.. I haven't thought much about it because i was just glad he was eating but your comment has started me thinking.....

Sarahspeaks

Thank you so much for this info ..... the complexities of addiction never cease to amaze me. It helps me to understand why some people can enjoy a glass of wine or smoke a joint without becoming a full blown addict and others simply have to pass ...... our family is littered with addictive personalities including myself .. I enjoy my wine but always seem to know when enough is enough !

I used to smoke cigarettes but quit a long time ago ..... that was very difficult and I took great pride in being able to finally kick it .... however it also made me much more empathetic to those who struggle with any form of addiction ...... maybe too much so ......

Sara

LeeRoy

I agree. I hear this about my son from almost every relative who learns of what we are going through. I think they see the outward appearance and never consider that all is not what they see on the surface. Furthermore, I'm guilty of the same and often wonder why it is that my son with his many beneficial and privileged life experiences would choose to throw away the opportunities afforded him. Add to this his charm and ability to attract people to him and you just can't help but scratch your head and wonder why he goes to such lengths to drive all of the goodness in his life away.?

The one thing that might explain some small motivation to do so is the sense of entitlement that he has. I really question myself on this one because if that's the case, surely I am at least party responsible (even if it was unknowing) for cultivating that sense within him. I have a fifteen year old daughter who also seems to feel pretty entitled to anything she deems reasonable though often it is not. I'm not sure what to do to undo this wrong. Any suggestions?

Kelrunran

I hope you find some peace and comfort from your friends here. My son is an addict in recovery and we had to lay down some ground rules. I'm learning as I go through al-anon and through these message boards is that there is not a lot I can do. I hope you can find information that will help you and maybe answers to your questions.

By making house rules i.e. around using, this communicates the message that we are aware and won't be tolerated. Perhaps this might be useful if you don't want to confront your daughters. You do have the right to protect yourself and youngest daughter.

Keep taking good care...Kel

outtolunch

Don't be so hard on yourself. Most teens and young adults have a full blown sense of entitlement. For a change of pace, instead of getting wound up in the entitlement holiday season, consider giving a goat, a flock of geese or chicks instead of the usual assortment of stuff to your daughter.

"Heifer International" or "Hands of Hope" gift cards are both great sources for such gifts.

MrsMagoo

My first husband and I used to do coke recreationally. I don't know if I would call it lucky that it never got a hold of us or not. My current husband is a full-blown addict and if I knew then what I know now...I would have never touched the stuff.

Whether or not you get addicted to it, it's very dangerous because it is powerful and every "batch" is different, cut with something different and there are of course, all different strengths. You read about people's hearts exploding all the time or having brain hemmorages. It's just not worth it my opinion and whether you get addicted or not, it's illegal and can ruin your life.

There is however, nothing you can say or do to change it. You certainly didn't cause it. YOU need to worry about yourself and your younger daughter right now. You may be able to have an impact on her if you handle this the right way.