28Days

Looking for a little experience on the recovery end of things.

Been talking to my addict ex again lately. Mainly because he seems much better. He's been more like himself again. His grades improved, his fitness improved, he talked like himself, looked like himself. He clearly didn't use as much, but still does weekly. He doesn't normally get high, but he does use a bit here and there.

However, when we finally brought up the whole issue. He tells me that he didn't have a problem (denial still there), that I made it all much worse than it was, I turned his friends against him and made his life a living h-ll. It was the worst time in his life because he felt no one wanted him or cared about him. He says that we helped him to stop, I helped him to stop, because he wanted to prove to everyone that I was lying and that he doesn't have a problem. He told me I destroyed his life.

My question is: If you still deny any problem and feel spite to the person you're involved with (and clearly happy with) for making everyone try to help you, and then abandon you, and you still use, even if it is much less, then is recovery possible, or even happened? In your experiences.

Jwife22

Sounds like he's hunting for himself an excuse to get back to getting really high again. I honestly don't think there can be recovery until you are doing it on your own, for yourself, because you are tired of that life and you don't want to live like that anymore.

As much as I want it to be different, I know deep down in my heart that if my husband doesn't want to quit using again, no matter what I say he isn't going to. No matter that I'm 3 months pregnant, he's not going to stop until he wants to stop because he's tired of that life again. The best thing for me to do is to remove myself from that situation because I can't be watching his addiction from the front row anymore. It's just too hard and I don't know HOW I did it in the first place.

28Days

That's what I started thinking lately. He recently made it clear that with me he isn't happy, and now that we're not speaking, he's saying he's living the crazy good life again...Not too sure what that means..

Ya, it was tough for me too. Luckily we weren't actually married. Now, there's a huge distance between us, so I really have no idea. I'm just "trusting" what he says, going off of what I can kinda figure out, and by looking at his school performance and appearance. It's all better now, compared to before...but I still just don't know..

sofacat

Seems like he's projecting his issues onto you. I think the real question is...do you actually believe him?

His addiction is HIS problem. No one else caused that.

Stay strong, focus on yourself and keep coming back here.


sofacat
An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile, hoping it will eat him last. -
Sir Winston Churchill

JustAYak

If you deny the problem, then recovery isn't possible.

28Days

Thanks guys. I think I just needed to hear it. I kinda wanted to believe that he was getting better, even if it was to prove me, and everyone else, wrong. I knew better, just needed to hear it. Thanks guys.

Thanks sofacat. Ya, that's how I felt. He just wanted to blame me for the consequences of his addiction. I just wish I could make him see that it's not true...

sofacat

Ah...the art of detachment. It's a doozy! I'm still trying to work on that one!
All I can suggest is that you work on yourself, and your self esteem. Once you gain emotional independence, things will be clearer and you won't feel the need to make him see anything! You will just act solely on what's right by you.

You're with friends who understand here.

Remember-
You didn't cause it
you can't control it
and you can't cure it.

sofacat
An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile, hoping it will eat him last.
-Sir Winston Churchill

teke

hey 28days glad you checked in. i tried cutting down on my drug use too, more times than i can i remember. it only worked for a very short time, then progressively got worse than before.

i'm sure you know his addiction has nothing at all to do with you. his choice, his consequences.

28Days

I've been trying to detach. H-ll I did detach for a while, and somehow I got dragged right back in. I just hate that he has resentment towards me. Which makes no sense, he doesn't seem to resent me, only when we argue (and the argument can start 'cause he said something the wrong way, and somehow it gets to "you ruined my life")

Hey teke! How ya been doin? Ya...his cutting down used to get worse and worse before. This time....seemed different. But I'm so far away I have no idea. I know it's not me. I did nothing. The only thing I did was made his friends and family aware, since I was the only one around to witness it. He claims I made it out to be worse.

Just sucks that I do these amazing things for him, nothing to do with his addiction, and all I ever get is "you made my life miserable for so long" I dunno.

kj3880

I suggest you get yourself to an Alanon or Naranon meeting, where you will be able to find a sponsor who can help you through the 12 steps. This step work is critical and will provide you with working lessons on how to detach and bring the focus back to you. You have nothing to lose by giving this a try!

Love,
KJ

sofacat

Okay 28Days... I went through the same thing, as I am sure all of us on here can attest to. I decided to "take the risk" by letting my RAH's family know about his disease. I took the risk of losing him, I took the risk of looking like "the town crier", I took the risk of looking like I was starting trouble, I took the risk of everyone being mad at me, yadda yadda yadda... I took these risks because I couldn't "do it" alone. I took these risks in hopes that it may help his recovery...and I was willing to lose him in order to "help" him get better.

The last time I took this "risk"...I had established a boundary of NO USING in MY house...he was using, so I asked him to leave. His parents and I made a pact back in January when he checked himself into Detox that we would have OPEN communication and I was NOT to go it alone anymore. Okay, yippee!!!!! I'm not alone anymore! Whew! Can't tell you how great THAT felt until, during the time he relapsed, I actually reached out to them the day I asked him to leave and let them know what was going on with their son. "Where did he go when I asked him to leave?" ,you ask? He went to his parents house of course! He was there filling their heads with the notion that "I needed help, and he couldn't take me accusing HIM of being on pills...and that he was sober." "What did they do?",you ask? They believed him, of course.

The manipulative power of an addict is truly a force to be reckoned with.
Everyone that surrounds the addict has different levels of awareness. More than likely, ALL of the people around him are "codies" and enablers to some degree.

The outcome of my "story" is that my AH decided HE NEEDED HELP for himself. Then and only then did he continue on a path to recovery. His parents felt "dooped" by him and their trust in him was diminished. It took them two weeks after he was in rehab to call me and talk through it. (I can't say that a VERY unhealthy side of me enjoyed being right! )

That was my emotional "bottom". That "he chose the drugs over me, that he chose to turn HIS PARENTS AGAINST ME! I felt abandoned and alone. I was really on the verge of a nervous breakdown. That's when I decided to get some help for myself.

What have I learned from this experience? I have learned to mind my OWN business, establish boundaries for MYSELF of what I choose to have in my life or not. What everyone else thinks, does, or wants is NONE OF MY BUSINESS.

You didn't make anything WORSE...addiction is bad enough all by itself. You didn't cause his addiction.


Why do you do amazing things for a person who treats you so poorly? Have you established any boundaries with him to help yourself? The hardest part of my "codie" recovery, was creating a list of boundaries. It had been so long since I asked myself "What do I need?" and "What I will not tolerate in my life." I had to write these down and read them to him during his time in rehab. It was tough, but it was the only way I knew I could remain in a relationship with him and not go back to the unhealthy place that I used to live. It was up to him whether he chose to accept them or not, but I was ready to move on.

Keep coming here where the water is "warm"...and know you are not alone. There are many people here willing to help you along the way.


sofacat
"Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one's definition of your life - define yourself." - Harvey Fierstein

28Days

Ya...that risk backfired. His friends either went with me or him, or neither of us...His parents hate me, when they used to love me. I was part of the family, until I got tired of his mother enabling him more than I thought possible from the distance they had between them..
I know I didn't make it worse. I didn't make it out to be worse than it was. I just told everyone what I saw and what his room mates saw. It took some people a long time. He's now lost some of his best friends.

I've done amazing things because...it was better. It actually was. And I dunno...I like doing things for him, for some reason. I do have boundaries, but with 600 miles between us now, it's harder to find out what's going on. I don't want him out of my life, because he has gotten better, just...I don't even know what he's like anymore. I only see one side of him now.

kj - I've been thinking about it more and more lately. I'm just not sure about it yet....

teke

OK, if its not his addiction that has made his life miserable then it has to be you. he can't blame himself, thats just not the way of a practicing addict. i think they blame anybody and anything that will except the blame. that keeps them from looking at themselves. try not to take what he says personal. seems like addiction has its own lone way of thinking.

sofacat

Sounds like those 600 miles are just what the "Doctor" ordered. You could use this break to get to know yourself again, on your terms instead of his.

Good luck...I'm rooting for ya!

28Days

Teke - Ya I get that....I just wish his life was still miserable..it's improved vastly. And I hate it. Maybe it's just two paths that are just too different. Until he actually understands maybe...

Sofa - Ya...I had originally planned on just parting when he headed back out to Vancouver and I didn't this time...but he fought so hard against it...and he made me so happy..I couldn't part..and now I don't know what to do anymore..

teke

he's 600 miles away, do you honestly think he'll tell you his life is still miserable even without you? are you honestly believing he's telling you the truth now that he's gone? curious to know how you know so much about how well he's doing now.

so say that he really is doing so much better, isn't that what you wished would happen, that he would get his life together or is it that you may have thought him leaving would make him want to stop using in order to continue the relationship?

in the past when i would make my ah leave home, i always had high expectations, thinking me making him leave would kind of wake him up or something. it never worked out that way and i would almost always want him to come back so that i could try something new that might make him want to change.

i finally had to let go because i needed to. i needed to even if he did get better. i began to except that if it was meant to be then it would be one day, in the mean time, i had to continue to live.

28Days

We talk. Or talked. A lot. Pretty much 24/7. And I had seen him a bit before I moved away. Plus I've seen him since. He looks good. He has a ton of stable friends. His grades at school improved. He seems so much happier. He's a person again. Maybe not fully healthy again, but he's getting there.

It is what I wanted, but I had kind of hoped he'd also stop the toxic friendships, and maybe not use much...I hate that he still uses, even if it's much less. I did hope that he'd wake up and come back..pipe dream I realize now..

Ya..I did the "please come back" and then try something new so many times...I dunno. I just miss his friendship even..