Kelrunran

I'm really new to this and my son just got home from rehab. It's tough because after just two days at home I'm not seeing much of a behavior change and I can see where I'm also enabling as well.

Now my husband and I are leaving for the weekend and I told him that he can go with us (house in the mountains) or stay somewhere else because I don't trust him to stay in the house while we are away. He wasn't very happy about this but I explained that our trust is not there yet. He stole a lot from us just prior to entering rehab.

Also, I told him that if he earns any money (from us) it is going into the bank because he has bills to pay plus he stole money from us - and again - he wasn't happy to hear this. He feels that he should get to keep some money to go to the movies and such! I'm really working on holding firm on this so I would appreciate it I could get some thoughts from others. I hope we are doing the right thing and not give in. When will he become responsible if we give him money. He needs to look for a job but plays the "poor me" because he doesn't have a license. He said he doesn't want to walk in the rain or snow!!!! Geez - maybe he needs to reflect on the last four years and the pile of bills he needs to pay!

Any support or words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated....

Impurrfect

Welcome to SR!!

I'm a recovering addict (RA) as well as a codie (codependent) who has loved ones who are addicts.

It sounds as if you are off to a good start. As far as when will he become responsible, that's really up to him. I became reponsible pretty quick because as soon as I got out of being locked up, I was living in a hotel, riding the bus to/from work and I had no choice but to make my money stretch...there WAS no money for movies or fun stuff.

I also agree with not letting him stay at your house. We A's (addicts) have to earn trust back, and it takes as long as it takes. I highly recommend you go by his ACTIONS - words mean nothing. We are used to saying whatever it takes to get what we want, as bad as that sounds. Our actions speak volumes.

Rehab is not a cure...it simply gives him the tools to begin recovery. It is up to him as to whether he will use those tools or not. Some of us take multiple attempts at recovery before we "get it".

Others will be along to welcome you. This is a terrific place with many wonderful and supportive people, and we're glad you're here, though not for the circumstances that brought you here.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

teke

hi, welcome, glad you found us but sorry you had to. i'm a recoverying addict and i totally agree with everything impurrfect said. i was forced to get serious and be responsible when my family totally shut their door on me and i then hit a bottom that forced me to get serious about my recovery. it took me quite a few attempts at rehab before i got serious and it took time for my family to trust me again.

while active, i did a lot of kicking and screaming about them not helping me the way that i thought they should have but today being clean and sober, i greatly appreciate the stance they took in letting me suffer the consequences of my own actions and them focusing more on themselves.

i think you are doing what is best for you and your son. maybe you could think about suggesting to him sober living or a half way house or something like that if you decide he's not ready to live with you.

hope you enjoy your wkend away.

oh btw, addicts are very resourceful, so i'm wondering if him not having license keeps him from getting his drugs? i'm sorry but that makes me wonder if he's only making excuses for not working. as long as we can get others to do for us what we should be doing for ourselves, we probably won't do much of anything but get high.

you and your family are in my prayers.

outtolunch

Your son is going to stay sober or not, regardless of what you do, or not.

Oftentimes, transistioning to a sober living enviornment is a better alternative than returning home. It might cost you $X for a few initial weeks and then it's up to him to take care of himself. If he won't work, he's homeless.

dorton

I'm so sorry you had to come to SR it isn't an easy thing to admit that your child is an addict and really not easy to admit that you see no change even after rehab. We had our 20 year old son in rehab and when he came home I was worried because I didn't see the change I wanted to see I soon found that the reason I didn't see a change was because my son wasn't done being an addict. He had just found new and more sneaky ways of being an addict. So please do watch his actions. I'm not saying your son is still using I'm just saying to continue to watch carefully. You have my best wishes and prayers.

barb dwyer

hi Kel, and welcome to sr!

I'm just gonna go ahead and say what I thought wile reading your post -

sounds like YOU ... learned a lot while he was in rehab!

I don't see anything wrong with your parameters,
and I don't even know how old your son is?

whether 12, 21 or 41 ... sounds psrfectly reasonable.

Kindeyes

In my humble opinion, it is very difficult to remain objective when the subject of the turmoil is living under my roof.

For me......I sent my son to rehab to give him the tools to sobriety.....so that I could, with a clear conscience, let him make his own choices knowing that he had a full toolbox but that it was up to him to take those tools out and build his life.

But the most important thing I got out of my son being in rehab was finding the path to my OWN recovery. That alone made it worth every penny.

gentle hugs

coffeedrinker

while at a narconon meeting recently, i heard from a man whose son came back home after rehab. one of the things they set up was with a nearby place that does a variety of drug testing. this son goes in once a week and his test result is sent directly to the dad. the son agreed because he wants to do what it takes and to be straight up. because it's all pre-arranged, the dad doesn't have to ask him to drop a ua or put get the two in a power struggle, suggest he isnt' trusting him, etc. win-win i thought

LeeRoy

Welcome. I am learning so much and anticipate that you will too. It is wonderful to have support and understanding. I am so sorry for the heartache that you feel and send you big hugs.

Kelrunran

Thank you all for you support. This is really a lot harder than I thought it would be. We actually came home early from the mountains so I could take my son to a friend he met at rehab. I didn't do it because he wanted it, it was because I felt like I wanted a break! My husband didn't really understand but I felt like I couldn't relax (and enjoy watching football) while he was there. Maybe it was a bad choice but I did enjoy my time.

I need to set up some structured chores for him to do and I am going to request a list of the meetings he plans on attending for the week since we have to take him. He doesn't really seem to understand the impact to us, basically, babysitting! I feel like I don't want to give him one chance if he doesn't do his chores - it would be easier for him to live at a transition home so I will look into that. It is hard not to wonder if something else will disappear.

I feel guilty thinking like this because it makes him sound like a terrible person but I'm sure you all know - he is an addict and has given me reason to feel this way. Hard for a mom to come to terms with it, however. I have been attending al-anon meetings and find them helpful and I'm hoping to find a sponsor soon.

Thanks again for your support and kindness.

Wolfchild