breakingfree88

Ann,
I was reading through old posts on SR and saw that your son was a crack addict. I have read other posts in the past about your struggle with codependency and learning to "let go". How is he now? Where is he? I want to know more of your story and what you've been through, and what has helped you. I posted a thread instead of a pvt. message because I feel that others can benefit. However, if you'd like, you can private me instead. (If you're comfortable answering at all!) Thank you, either way. And bless you.
:ghug3

Ann

I don't mind and wordy person that I can be, I promise to try and keep it as short as possible.

My son, who is my foster son, became addicted in his early 20's and, as is typical with the disease of addiction, got increasingly worse in time. He lived with us, on the street, in hostels, with us again and the cycle repeated over many years.

He has been in and out of so many rehabs that I lost count, somewhere around 10 I think and he had some fairly good periods of sobriety, once almost 3 years and another time just short of a year, but he always returned to addiction.

During this time I tried what most moms here have tried. I begged, pleaded, thought if we gave him a good home and love that he would see the light. I snooped, followed, check up on, bailed, and covered for him for several years. Nothing I did or did not do made a whit of difference. He used in good times and he used in bad.

My story is an old one here, because so many have lived the same life as I lived, some still do.

It wasn't great wisdom that brought me to recovery, it was exhaustion and surrender after spending a night dragging him out of a crack house after threatening to kick down the door (yup, I did that) and then when I left to drive home in the morning, he left to continue his drug using. I remember on my drive home, crying so hard I had to pull off the highway and sobbing a prayer to God, telling Him I just could not do this one more day and asked Him to take care of my son because I could no longer do it.

A few years passed, my son was in and out of the revolving door of recovery/relapse and I was attending meetings and finding a healthier way to live. Those meetings literally saved my life.

After again about a year clean, my son called me one night and told me he had relapsed and this time had gone to the needle and used meth. I knew it was different from his previous relapses and I knew it was bad news. He called a few times after that, sometimes just crying and hanging up, sometimes delusional, but always using and not willing to reach out one more time to recovery.

Just over 5 years ago was my last call. Someone told me about 6 months after he was missing that he had been in jail and was living with his birth sister, who was also an active addict, and that was the last I heard anything.

People have asked me why I don't hunt him down or try to find him. The answer is "and if I find him, then what?". If he was clean he would contact us, of that I am certain. And if he was using there is simply nothing I can do to help him and I am not willing to walk back into that dark place called addiction.

So I pray for him each morning and continue to give his care to God. And then I live my day in peace and happiness, now finding beauty in life that I had lost sight of over the years. I learned that I cannot live in his addiction and my recovery at the same time, so I had to choose my recovery and just pray that one day he will see my light and follow.

I am so very grateful for the gifts recovery has brought me, because I have not only endured and survived, but more importantly I live life well, as it was intended to be lived. And I continue to pray.

That's about it in a nutshell, hope it wasn't too long. And just let me add to the other moms out there, that I thought my son being missing would be the worst pain ever but in reality, the worst pain and heartbreak came when I had to face the fact that no matter how bad he got, I was truly powerless over his addiction. That was Step One for me, and when I did that I knew I had walked through the worst pain and could face whatever laid ahead.

Love you all for walking with me. It's a "we" program and I could never have done this alone.

Hugs to each one of you

outtolunch

As I have shared before, I too put myself in harms way to "save" my daughter. Looking back, that was a cake walk compared to being humbled with the acceptance that I had no control over her or her addiction. Giving up that illusion was the turning point in my life. Old dogs like me can learn.

liesagain

thank you for sharing that Ann

Freedom1990

You got me all teary-eyed, Ann! I've had people ask me how do I not worry about my AD? How can I sleep at night?

It's so hard to explain that defining moment where I just had absolutely no more left to give anything to my daughter's addiction.I know you know what I mean.

I truly appreciate you sharing. I knew some of the story, but now I know more. :ghug2

Ann

I DO understand, Freedom. I never lose love and I never lose hope, but that's all I have left to give. If I had continued the way I was, I would have had the life sucked right out of me, that's how drained I was.

And I sleep like a baby these days. For those still struggling, it does get better, I promise it does. We survive and we thrive.

Hugs

yukonm

Thank you for sharing that, Ann. I was the teenage addict that my mother put in the care of God. She told me she loved me but that if she continued the way she was going I would drive her crazy and she had my younger sister to think about. She said don't think I am abandoning you, I am putting you in the best hands you could be in. I never once felt unloved or that she had given up on me. I knew she loved me, I didn't love myself.
God has watched over me and by His grace, the fellowship of AA and support of my church family, I have been substance and alcohol free for 2 years. Truly a miracle after over 40 years of abusing both. I do regret that neither my mother, nor my sister (who always tried to encourage me and who I know loved me unconditionally) lived to see me get clean. I can, however, live the rest of my life knowing that she loved me and did the best thing, for herself and for me.

Ann

Yukon, thank you for sharing that. As a mom I can tell you she went to her grave loving you and forgiving every single thing you ever did, and as a woman of faith I can tell you she KNEW God would take care of you. You can be very proud of yourself for what you have done to get well, and I have a feeling your mom knows and is proud too even in her special heaven.

And another thank you because, you see, it's people like you who give people like me hope. Yes, I have seen many struggle, and sadly I have seen more than a few die. But I have seen even the most hopeless of addicts find recovery and live better for having had the enlightenment. On days when I seem to have misplaced my hope, I just go a few forums up and start reading. It doesn't take long after reading some of the good recovery up there when my candle of hope is rekindled.

We may have come to recovery on different paths, but today we walk it together, you recovering addicts and us codies. It's a good path and it gets brighter each day that I walk it.

Hugs and Gratitude for sharing your story too.

breakingfree88

Thank you so much, Ann and others, for sharing your inspirational stories. We are all in different places, but can help one another on this journey towards recovery.

Kelrunran

Thank you all for your stories. There is a lot of comfort here and I'm glad I found this forum. I totally want to get past step one but I struggle because our son lives with us. How do I leave his addiction to my higher power when he lives here and we have drive him everywhere? How can I make him appreciate having a roof over his head? How can I make him understand how lucky he has that his parents have jobs and actually have money to pay for his rehab?

Maybe because I'm so new at this, I haven't attended enough meetings to get the answers to my questions but I do have faith that my higher power will give me the patience and answers to my questions.

Thank you again....Kel

laurie6781

Ann you and others here know my story. I was the one that Mom and Dad said NO MORE to.

I still say it was the BEST THING they ever did for me, to shut me out. Thankfully, I was able to tell both of them that many times before each of their passings. My only regret is that they waited so long (I was 33 1/2).

It was only after I had been in recovery for 3 years and then joined Al-anon because of the alcoholics in my life that I truly started to have an understanding of the hell I put them through.

For all of you Moms and Dads out there, I can attest to the fact that you are not abandoning your child(ren) you are just putting them in the hands of HP and believe it or not HP does take care of them.

We all walk with each other in spirit and I know for me when I am having a particularly 'rough' time I can visually picture that beautiful group of folks standing with me (just like the Verizon ads, lol) and it truly helps a lot!

Love and hugs,

Ann

Thanks Laurie, it is from you and others here who are double winners and share from the other side, that I find peace in my decisions to "let go and let God". Your stories have helped me often, through the years here and I am grateful that you share so willingly.

I remember a long time ago, when he was clean, my son told me that even in his worst moment in addiction, he knew we loved him. That's all I needed to know. The rest is between him and God.

Hugs to all you wonderful people who walk with me here.