Ann

Yesterday I had the privilege of having breakfast with a dear friend from SR, and we were talking about our labels, the ones we gave ourselves over the years, and I thought I'd share here and put this out for each of us to think about and discuss.

I think I always needed a label, my mother's daughter, my husband's wife, my son's mother, my profession...any label that would tell people who I was without exposing the person beneath the label...me.

Early in recovery, I remember my sponsor asking me who I was, what were my dreams, and what were my values...and it came as a great surprise to me that I had no idea who that stranger called "me" really was.

Depending on the circumstance, the labels served me well. What do you do? Out came the professional label. Do you have family? Out came the family label. Even in bad times, I wore the label of "Victim" with some sort of distorted pride because it explained my insanity and dysfunctional way of living and was more about the events and other person than it was about "me". It gave me an excuse to remain dysfunctional.

With recovery, I slowly had to remove the labels, cautiously because I wasn't sure who I could safely share with. And then one day I woke up, I don't remember exactly when it was, and the labels were gone. Maybe the new label "survivor" was still there, but it didn't take much room and it was more transparent than the labels I had worn.

With the recovery label, seen only by a few, I could be identified as someone who belonged to "the club" of codependents who were putting their lives back together...or maybe reclaiming their lives for the first time ever. I wear this label proudly yet humbly because it is the one label that I take no credit for, it is due to the courage of those who went before me that I too was able to find what they had and hang on to it as if my life depended on it...because it did.

When I removed the other labels, I was able to look within and get to know that stranger called "me". I got to know her and even like her, warts and all. And today I know who I am, regardless of what I "do" or who I am related to. I may wear a label now and then for clarification, but it is no longer a hiding place for me. Today I am proud to be who I am, I know what I want from life and I am willing to stand for my values, even when I stand alone.

I don't know if this makes a whit of sense to anyone here, but thought I'd share it and ask you, what labels have you hidden behind and what are your labels today?

If you were to write on your label today, what would it say?

I think mine would say "Ann, Queen!! Better treat her that way or wish you did!"

Hugs

laurie6781

Great thread idea Ann!!!!!!!

I couldn't list all the labels I have had over the years, it would probably take up a whole page, lmao

I like the way I look at me today:

64 year old broad who is enjoying and loving life, having fun even when in pain, and not too conservatively spending my children's inheritance. <vbg>

Love and hugs.

greeteachday

Excellent, thought provoking post, Ann, as always! I wore all the labels you mentioned during my adult life, but I think the "mother" label was the one that most defined me. My codependent nature was mostly geared towards my kids...I didn't know how to (or didn't want to, most likely) release them to find their own paths without me protecting, cleaning up and ultimately, although I did it in subtle ways, controlling.

I spent my adult life in the role of mom and I fed on the thought of being needed and admired as a sort of super mom type, so letting go in the way that is healthy and normal was a struggle, even before addiction came into my life.

I never really thought about this, but I think your description very accurately conveys my experience when my daughter was spiraling down in her disease. Family members' reactions tended to validate that role too - oh look at poor Greet, she has so much on her plate but she is a trooper...an uncomplaining saint. Those type of comments confused me...I felt I must have failed as a mom, but others saw me as a saint- who was I really? I didn't want to look, so I also assumed the role of super professional, plunging into my work 60+ hours a week because it helped me escape from looking at me.

Today, with the help of the recovery program I have been practicing, I think my own label is just...well "ME." I have found someone unique as I have peeled off the layers and labels and thought about what it is I want and who I am. I have learned how to establish healthy boundaries in all aspects of my life, not just when dealing with addiction so that I can continue to nurture this quirking person called me. I've found a balance in work life and time for all aspects of personal life, and the amazing thing is I am as respected in my job and what I produce now (or even moreso) as I was when work consumed most all my time. I'm not exciting (and quite happy with that...No drama, lol) and my passions are probably things that would make many "normies" yawn, but I am very much at peace. I have rediscoverd the joy of laughter and nature and physical activitiy and times of solitude and how exhilerating it can be to just be!

Recently, I have been focusing energy on radiating a feeling of love for the world and those in it. Even when I don't like the actions some folks take, I'm trying to remember that I don't know where they have been in their journeys and to feel love and release judgment. It is taking hard work...it is easy to go back to negative thoughts or to make a comment about someone or pass judgment in my head, but I am finding the rewards well worth continuing the effort until it becomes the norm. Radiating love brings love in return...Such a simple concept but not an easy task.

Thanks Ann! What a great post to carry with me in my thoughts today.

Chino

I always hated labels and cringed every time one was slapped on me, including my tax return. I finally told our accounting firm to leave it blank so I could write in "enjoys life" under occupation. It's what I've always told people when asked "what do you do?" I enjoy life.

My problem was always fighting so hard with those who would label me, that it became a power struggle. I won a lot of battles but lost myself in the war until I waved the white flag. Surrender never felt so good and I no longer care if people want to label me. I'm on a journey and enjoying my life

Astro

Drunk. Dismal failure as a father and husband. Hopeless.

Scott, proud father and husband, grateful member of AA and SR. Doing my best to live and love life to the fullest, and doing a pretty good job of it, one day at a time.

Thanks Ann, this is a beautiful, thought-provoking post!

Ann

And those are some beautiful thought provoking answers.

What I like most about what I have read here, is that we can rise above whatever label we use to carry. We can rip the label off right now if we have a mind to. Most times, we wrote our own labels so we can be the one to remove them or re-write kinder more transparent ones that let people see into our hearts.

I hope to hear more here, each post I read is inspiring to me.

Hugs

cmc

Thanks Ann

I've never liked labels and in fact have done my darndest over the years to keep away from being pigeonholed that way. But _not_ using words to label myself (or others) didn't stop me from actually thinking that way. My avoidance of the terms was and is my way to keep a clear idea of who I am versus what I do or what others think about me.

I did this with my children too. When my daughter got diabetes at an early age---I refused to label her a 'diabetic' but instead as a person who had that condition. It made a huge difference to not be so identified with a 'thing' or circumstance.

So...who am I? Pretty much...these days it's just "me."

So that's who I am; but a better definition of how I see it is:
A precious child of my HP.

btw....it's also how I try to view others as well

Learn2Live

Wow Ann, what a wonderful and thought-provoking thread. Thank you.

Labels serve a purpose; some are good, some are bad. I prefer to let go of the bad ones. My alcoholic father used to call me "Little Pants" to keep me in my place. He doesn't dare try that now; I'm onto him :O) I am cautious about labeling myself and others. I never liked the label, "codependent." I feel confined and claustrophobic when I call myself that. Limited. I like to be free of such labels. Free to change as I wish.

I think my current label for myself is "human." And "42." And "strong."

One type of label that is commonly used to describe other people, or used to describe things, which I am tring to eliminate from my vocabulary, is "my ___" or "mine." It's possessive. When I say "my house" I think that it belongs to me. But really it doesn't. I just live in it and have the legal right to do so (as long as I pay the people who let me live in it the money I promised I would pay them). It really doesn't belong to them either, because God could take it at any minute....

I think human beings use possessive words like "my" and "mine" to make themselves feel "bigger than." Or to give themselves the feeling of status or importance or belonging.

I hear people even talk about persons they USED TO be married to in possessive ways. And it's acceptable and understood: "My ex-wife" or "My ex-husband."
"Well, maybe that was one of the reasons you are now divorced in the first place," I want to say to that person. You never owned that person. You never possessed that person. Let her go.

For me, it's all about fighting that perception of control over others. I think it has to begin with not labeling them as "mine" any longer.

I have this problem with my aging parents. Whenever I catch myself saying "My Mom" I wonder why I cannot let go of her. Emotionally attached I guess. But in reality, I feel it is to dishonor her in some way to call Mom "mine." Mom is SO MUCH MORE than just my Mom.

She doesn't belong to me and I think that thinking of her this way is going to make it all the more difficult for me when God does take her. I will yell at Him, "WHY did you take MY Mom away from me?!"

Maybe I'm just word-smithing again but it's where I am in life right now.

Ann

Yes, I "get" the ownership labels. For me, though, I think it was the reverse...other people owned me, according to my labels.

I remember when people used to ask me "how is your son?" when they really meant "how are you?" because I WAS how my son was. I remember getting up in the morning and checking in with my son, then calling the nursing home to see how my mother was, then checking with my husband to see how his business was that day...and only if all these people were okay could I start my day on a good note. Otherwise, I spent my day trying to "fix" theirs.

I think it was when I began to let go that my labels began to fall off. When I began focusing on my own life, leaving others to live theirs, that I became free of the labels. I let go of the illusion of control that we speak of so often here.

No more labels for me, or maybe just one that says "Handle With Care"

Hugs to all of you for sharing with me here.

Learn2Live

My gosh Ann, this is so deep. I really appreciate everything you are saying on this thread.

cessy68

Hi Ann,

Thank you for sharing this with us. It's funny, because I was spinning out of control last night, and this a.m.... I realized that without 'him' in my life, I feel empty. I started driving today, and was doing a little self-talk, and asked myself, why do I need him to feel whole? That is not healthy. I realized he is not the sum of my parts, and then I thought about what are my parts? I see now, that I lack the ability to 'aknowledge' my true self, and sometimes, (often) I even LABEL myself.... and I don't like those lables. I'm a bartender.... great. (as you see, in this example I look at what I chose to do recently in regard to be able to go back to school) as WHO I AM. I look at my old career, and realize I put so much weight into having a 'big title' w/ 'big money' and derived a sense of self out of that, it gave me a false sense of confidence, and of it making me who I am.

I guess what I am trying to say, is I am Cess. I love seeking knowledge, reading, writing, dancing, laughing. I enjoy people, animals, giving to those less fortunate.... being time or money. I am sensitive, careing, strong and tempermental. I have a love for poetry, song lyrics, and most of all singing. If I were to take away people.... (meaning being a mom, a child, a sister, a friend) etc... that is who I am.

Ann, you are the queen, I always said I was a "princess"...... (did you know that my Italian Grandfather gave me that name?) His little 'cessy' for princessy....lol.

Love,
cess

Thank you this thread.

wuzzled

This is a really great thread. I read it yesterday and have thought about it since. Lately, I have been trying to figure out who I am. I even posted about it.

Trying to decide what label or labels I have worn, and or given myself over the years has taken me back a long way. What was I as a small child? What was I as a young teen? What was I in early adulthood? What was I in parenthood? What was I as a spouse (3 times)? What was I yesterday? What am I today? Then comes the BIG question, what am I going to be for the rest of my life?

The only answer I have to the big question is, I don't want to be what I've been, what ever that is.

When asked, tell us a little about yourself, I always answer I am the wife of an addict, a mother, grandmother, sister etc. . .

I am beginning to realize all these things that I am, are dependent on another being, i.e., my husband, my kids, etc.

I need to be able to be "something" without any of them. If it were me, and only me, just who would I be?

I'll keep thinking . . . .

Ann

Wuzz, that's how it was for me, I was always an extension of somebody else and when I came to think about who "I" was, I had no idea.

It was my sponsor who put me on to this very early in recovery, so I'm sure it's common for codependents to feel this way, but even today I have to check to see if any labels I carry are by me and about me.

Give it some thought, I'll be interested in seeing what you come up with.

Hugs

barb dwyer

great thread, Ann!

Some fabulous food for thought.