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I screwed up

Old 11-10-2009, 06:14 AM
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I screwed up

He had left me a voicemail asking me to come over to pick him up yesterday between 5 and 6 and we could "talk" and get pizza. I plan not to go. I am on my way to my Alanon meeting when he calls. And I pick up the phone. "I guess you are not coming over". Me: "yes, what would be the point?". He then tells me that he and his ex wife and her husband and their kids are all going to move to the States (we do not live on the mainland). THIS is my hook and throws me and I begin to cry. This means that there is no way he and I can ever work this out because he will be hours away by plane. My hope, gone. I agree to meet him at my house.
He tells me that his plan is that I can go with him to the States and help him find an apartment and since I travel a lot, we can have a long distance relationship. Me: "I am not interested, and we have a long distance relationship right now and you live 10 mins away".
I ask him how he is living. He does not want to answer me. So, I know it is something illegal. He does not ask me for money, which is another red flag. Lots of quacking. Why is this happening? I think. I allowed this contact and nothing has changed.
Eventually he leaves and goes home to get high. Lots of stuff is left out, but I am feeling very low today. The good news is when the sun came up, I realized that his moving would be the best thing for ME. No contact is much easier when someone is thousands of miles away. I was feeling pretty good, but this has thrown me.

NC Girl
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Old 11-10-2009, 06:22 AM
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$20 says it was ALL quacking and he has no real plan to move to the States. You got suckered in. But hey, I could be wrong!
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Old 11-10-2009, 06:33 AM
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Sometimes we just have to be reminded ... one more time ... why we should leave or
have no contact. Once we're reminded "again", we can use the sadness/anger to propel
us forward and make choices that will free us of the life of pain we're living and help us
find a life full of joy, serenity and peace.
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Old 11-10-2009, 05:42 PM
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How do you know if an addict is lying? Are their lips moving?

Try to keep top of your mind that everything he is saying is for effect on you. He is trying to control you. That is all he is capable of right now. What he is saying may be completely true. Addicts do move back and forth between codependents to prove that its not "them" that have a problem. My addict is currently on the hunt for a new co and I had only left him by 3 days. ( and the reality was he had been hunting a new co for a year... Sex and love addiction are part of his problem as well).

My best advice? Try to stay rational and tune into what isnt being said but implied. What action is he trying to elicit from you.

I really really really know how hard this is. I only separated myself 3 weeks ago, and its one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life.

- Susan
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Old 11-10-2009, 08:09 PM
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I guess I see it a little differentlythan the title of your post...You didn't screw up...you were ready to face the next step in detaching with love. You were given the opportunity to learn something here...I suspect it has a lot to do with understanding that no contact is the best way to go and that even when you get reeled in a bit, you figure out quickly that his actions don't show what his words may be saying. Although you met with him, you left and you left without getting pulled back into the insanity.

Hang in there...You did great!
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Old 11-10-2009, 08:43 PM
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Originally Posted by ncgirl View Post
He had left me a voicemail asking me to come over to pick him up yesterday between 5 and 6 and we could "talk" and get pizza. I plan not to go. I am on my way to my Alanon meeting when he calls. And I pick up the phone. "I guess you are not coming over". Me: "yes, what would be the point?". He then tells me that he and his ex wife and her husband and their kids are all going to move to the States (we do not live on the mainland). THIS is my hook and throws me and I begin to cry. This means that there is no way he and I can ever work this out because he will be hours away by plane. My hope, gone.
I was always such a sucker for that approach, the ex used it on me so many times, and it worked! We both have abandonment issues-the matching illnesses thing. All I can suggest is recognize that that is a trigger, and think it through the next time. BTW, she never did get back with her ex, and she never did move away.

Turns out I'm the one moving far away!
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Old 11-11-2009, 09:20 AM
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sounds like manipulation to me. if just so happens he does move, i agree, he may be doing you a big favor. you are in my prayers.
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