jane_668

Hello, I am a 26 year old addict in recovery. I want to know please your perspective on how the addiction of a loved one effected you. Is it possible for you to trust the addict in recovery again and how long will it take?

I have been addicted to drugs for more than 8 years. I had 5 months clean before my doctor put me on Ritalin for ADD and now I have 2 months clean since I got off it. I'm doing all the things I should be doing for my recovery. i go to daily meetings and work the steps. I'm not causing troubles anymore and I lead a productive life with a job. While in active addiction, I put my family through hell. I ended up many times in hospital & ICU. But now I'm clean and doing all what I'm supposed to be doing. You may not be able to understand this but every clean day I have was a struggle. I dont want my family to consider me a hero but i dont wnat them either to punish me now (that I'm clean) for all the mistakes I did while I was behaving unconsciously. I cannot even remember these days and trying to throw these in my face everytime will not help and cannot help. It makes me rush toward my safety zone which is drugs. I just wnat to understand guys, because I dont, why my family keeps telling me that I shouldnot give any opinion since if I was that smart I wouldnot have started using drugs? how would that help? That's exactly what my brother keeps telling me once I start any kind of discussion with him.He's 20 yrs old. We reached a pt where I would have to leave whenever he's around because he's mean. Before ,he was so loving and supported me a lot. Part of this is my fault. I left parts of what I wrote on the steps on his copybook and he read it. He read my powerless & unmanageability list. He knew I was an addict but didnot know that much in details. So what now? How can i possible ever reconstruct the shattered trust? I love him so much. I had to leave when I heard him say all these mean words.It hurts because I didnot mean to do all these things. If there were ever an undo button for our past I would have deleted them. But the fact is these things happened and I am accepting the responsibility for them. I just dont want to be treated like a trash for things I have no control over. But he just keep pushing me to the limits. How do you suggest I should behave? i will post this also on substance abuse forum. I want to feedback from both sides of the story. Thanks .

Ann

Hi Jane,

It takes time to earn trust again, just as it took time to lose it. What occurs to me is that their lack of trust is built on fear of something bad happening to you, and they wouldn`t fear if they didn`t love you.l

Just keep doing the next right thing, and you will become a living amend to all that went before.

And don`t beat yourself up over how `they`feel, they own their own behaviour and feelings and it`s up to them to deal with it. You do your part and their part will follow in time.

Congratulations on your sobriety, it took courage to get clean, and that courage will carry you through.

Hugs

cessy68

Hi and welcome.

I parallel addiction issues w/ any other trust issue in a relationship. I think both sides, meaning you and your family have to WANT to work at it.

As much as you don't want it thrown in your face, they for years were tortured by your actions that come from a result of your addiction. This is reality for them, and you have to find it in your heart to accept that responsiblility.... and work at it.

Perhaps you and them can have some boundries... ie; what they expect to gain/keep trust from you, and if you can comply.

On the other hand, if you are going to allow someone in your life, you can't sit in the past. To throw things in your face is not productive. You could broach this subject with them the way you wrote it to us here.

These are just my inital thoughts, because my abf is not recovered, so I don't quite know exactly how it should be handled. There are a couple people here (like imurrfect) that may be more helpful to you.

Good luck,
Cess

sojourner

Congratulations on your sobriety, and i'm praying for you today as you continue your journey one day at a time!!

IMO, you've talked enough to your family. Just go about the business of your recovery. Believe you me, they are watching you. After only months of seeing you in recovery, they are still fearful that you may go back out there and then they have to worry about your dying, etc. If anyone asks about your journey only then could you give a short positive answer and perhaps direct them toward some literature, books, maybe even a 12-step family group such as Alanon. In the stickies above are a list of books for families of addicts that we have found helpful.

Again, welcome to the world of recovery. It's pretty awesome on this side of things. And keep coming back here if you're struggling with your family. We are here to share our experience, strength, and hope !!

Sojourner

jerect

My Husband has been clean for a year.....

Hear is my take on it... When my RAH was using, my marriage was nothing but drugs, lies and infideltity.. my trust for him was 0% and when someone breaks your trust it takes a looooong time to get it back..

Do I trust my husband now? Not 100%, I don't know that I will ever have 100% trust in him again but I do trust him way more then I have in a long time. My husband attends as many meetings as his work schedule allows and he works a very strong program and his ACTIONS tell me that he is very serious about his recovery.. He made amends to me a while back for all the stuff he did to me and his family while he was using.. He communicates to me now when things are bothering him and sets boundaries for himself.. things he never did when he was high..

It just takes time, the best thing that you can do is continue to work on yourself and to work your own recovery program. Your actions will show that you are serious.

As for me, I knew that I had to change along with my husband if I wanted to make our relationship work. I was a major character on that merry go round of insanity when my husband was using,, so I chose to get off the roller coaster and work on changing my life.. I gave up any expectations of my RAH staying clean. I set boundaries for myself and told him what was unacceptable and what was acceptable and he has worked really hard at respecting my boundaries and I have worked really hard at respecting his..

His family on the other hand is another story; He has one family member that has quit speaking to him since he has gotten clean. You would think they would be estatic that he has changed his life.. don't get me wrong, this person is glad my RAH is clean.. I think this person never got off of the insanity merry go round.. she is still trying to play a roll in my husbands life that is not working for him anymore. She does not realize that she needs to work on her own recovery..

My husband has been very hurt by the actions of this one family member but he has not let it derail him from his recovery.. he prays for her every night and he knows that he cannot control anyone's actions or reaction's.. that he can only control himself..

Give it time, work your program, work on changing your life and your family may or may not come around.. you can't worry about what they think or feel at this point. Addiction is a family disease and until they decided to change then there is nothing you can say or do to change the way they act...

katie44

Hi Jane, it takes time to earn the trust back. Unfortunately it doesnt change too quickly. Your family is also fearful of relapse. Just keep working on your recovery. The past is gone and to bring it up again and again will not fix anything. You cant change the past, however you can change the future. Congradulation's on your sobriety and new life! In time you will see, your family too will rejoice in your recovery It all takes time.

Freedom1990

I'm both a recovering addict/alcoholic and a recovering codependent.

I've been clean/sober since 1990, and guess who's the first to get the finger pointed at when a family crisis arises, despite my years of being in recovery? I get crap thrown in my face from 20+ years ago!

I know how badly it hurts, hon. I wanted to be trusted, and it took years to earn that back.

However, none of the rest of the family is in recovery, and there are times my parents/brother are toxic to me, and I literally have to go no-contact for my own sanity and recovery.

You can think of the family dynamics while the addict/alcoholic is still active as a baby mobile hanging over the crib.

When the addict/alcoholic gets into recovery, cut that piece off of the mobile, and what happens?

The mobile is all wildly askew, trying to realign itself again.

Our family members had certain roles when we were active out there, and when we get into recovery, it throws that dynamic out of balance.

First and foremost, take care of yourself and protect your precious recovery.

Continue to seek support from others who have been where you are.

I have my biological family, and my recovery family.

:ghug2 :ghug2

outtolunch

My daughter is clean right now and seems to believe that what came before, does not matter, cause she was living in a crazy and addicted state.

This is, I think, the third time she has climbed backed on the wagon. When life throws her a curve ball, she has the choice to cope with life and people as is or seek her DOC. People often do not respond as we want them to do. We are all powerless over other people's reactions. Only thing we can control is our own reaction. The way we cope with life as is, not as we want it to be, defines all of us.

You can no sooner control your family's reaction than they were able to control your addiction. It's the flip side of the same coin.

How your family reacts is beyond your control. No doubt you and your addiction were and remain the focus of their lives no different than their reaction to addiction is the focus of your current life.

You own your own sobriety which means coping with people and situations beyond your control. You have the power to do so.

Congratulations on staying sober one day at a time.

Chino

jane, everyone has already expressed my thoughts but I want to share something with you about this:
There's stuff my daughter doesn't remember either, and in many ways I'm thankful. There's no way I would have said that before starting my own journey of accountability. While I remember all the stuff she did, I remember mine, too, and it most of it was bad.

Both sides of addiction remind me of Newton's Three Laws of Motion: inertia, acceleration, reciprocity. When I finally remembered to add the Golden Rule to the equation, it changed everything for me.

I hope you and your family are able to heal, but no matter what, please continue your own healing

coffeedrinker

The addict in my life also says "I am SORRY for what I did. Please don't throw it in my face, it isn't helpful." I had a hard time understanding this because I thought it was evidence of him wishing to sweep everything under the carpet and not deal. But when his therapist told me the same thing, I had to change my thinking and listen.

I think that we, the family members, are sometimes struck with the "I'm better than you" syndrome. As co-dependents (those of us who are) we want to make the rules, we are the "good" ones, the rule-followers, the ones who don't screw up our lives. Well guess again, we all made messy beds and have to lie in them. But until we see that, embrace our part and make changes, we stay stuck. I suspect this is the affliction from which your brother suffers, if you have truly tried to make amends to him. Sometimes the amend is not what we would have wished it to be. This is a control tactic on our part. And you know what? Perhaps your brother is deeply hurt. As everyone has said, it takes time. More time than you are comfortable with. It's hard on both parties.

One last thought is that the first time the addict got clean, I was completely sympathetic and supportive. With each subsequent relapse, it became more difficult to believe and to trust. Please stick with things; there are rewards yet to come.

cmc

Congrats for your two months.

My experience reflects what others have shared. Observing positive action over time helps me to trust again. As a mom of a recovering addict, with 3 1/2 years clean; I learned that _his_ first priority was to do whatever he needed to do in order to stay clean. My first priority had to be to protect & take care of myself too. Today, our relationship is good, but that did not happen overnight- but gradually step by step.

One thing I learned in Al-Anon works for both sides of the street: I can't control what others do, say or think. There is always hope, but I need to accept things as they are today and live the best life I possibly can.

I'm so happy you have posted this question here- it shows that you are working hard to grow and change.

Spiritual Seeker

Patience...My son is clean now for 18 mos. but I had to be patient for the 7 yrs. I knew abt his addiction.
This too shall pass if you stay in recovery.
Be Patient as it takes time to clean up the wreckage of your past.
I went to alanon for those 7 yrs. and I learned to detach, but I also learned to have compassion for my son and his struggle.
Ask your family members for what you want and tell them how you feel.
If they are unable to give it at this time, you may need to detach for awhile.
Be a good citizen, son, sibling, employee, etc. and become the person you
are meant to be. When you keep working your program you will be open to
all the "good things" promised in the big book.

neecey1224

You said it was your brother who mostly throws this in your face, and that he is 20 yrs old. I think his young age plays into the way he is handling this as well as the other factors addressed by other posters. I think it might be helpful if you accept him where he is at - not yet ready to deal with your addiction and recovery from a mature emotional place. It sounds like you really want his support, but sometimes people are just not ready/capable of giving it when we need it/want it. We need to accept them where they are at, just like we want to be accepted where we are at. And as part of that acceptance, sometimes we need to find what we need/want from another source - like your recovery support group peers, instead of your family. It is so important that you do what is best for YOU, and if you are needing support, get it where it is available. Don't spin your wheels trying to get blood from a stone.

Serenity Bound

Jane, First...Congrat's on your sobriety. Second, I agree with all of the other posts, it takes time to trust again. I my case, I spent years on the roller coaster of my daughters addiction. So trust does NOT come easy. IMO, ACTIONS speak louder than words.

teke

congratulations on your sobriety. i'm a recovering addict so i can relate to how you are feeling. i agree with the others, it takes time,. keep doing the next right things and they will eventually began to trust again.

i think that our love ones want so badly to trust us but they need the time to get past the past hurts and disappointments. you and your family are in my prayers.

jane_668

Thank you all for your encouragment. i thought you'd be harsh since you experienced all the consequences of active addiction. It's definately hard when I cant remember things and the whole world remembers it. There were days when I had a complete blackout. I ended up many times in the hopsital with OD and they were there 24 hours for me. They never left me. My sister even got me at that time a new cellphone just to feel better. She told me she spent the night crying over my bed.She thought she'd never see me again. My dad slept on the couch in the ICU.It's hard for both sides. some people say it's a selfish disease but I dont see it this way. I just felt that I was in the wrong place at the wrong time and didnot wnat to be there.i was in pain. I grew up all alone. I had to learn everything by myself.I thought they were better off without me. I thought I was actually doing them a favor. You see the insanity of thinking. I was ashamed of my behavior more than them. My only way to avoid dealing with the consequences of using was to use more. I didnot want to face what I did while drunk or high. I was always a very sweet girl with an A average in school & college before I get hooked to drugs. But what happened happend ,there's no use to dwel on the past or I'll get crazy.

I guess part of the problem is that I feel I'm a people pleaser. I want people to love depsite all what i did. I just did drugs for the sake of attention . I had problems with my sick mom and I felt alone. So basically I dont know how to detach myself from someone.It's another addictive behavior of mine. I left the house because I didnot know how to detach myself from him. What others thinks of me matters a lot to me. It can either bring me down or bring me up.I know these are issues I should be working on but I'm taking it easy. So what can you do when you feel you are codependent? I struggle with accepting people as they are. I wnat to change them to like me and love..unrealistic expectations of the world. Everything takes time I guess.

outtolunch

You have tremendeous insight into yourself , not common in a 26 year old, let alone a 46 year old. Give yourself the opportunity to fall in love with yourself. Step 1 is powerful and unlimited in application. Admitting we are powerless over X ....other people, other people's reactions, our own need to please and control ( funny how they often go hand in hand) other people....is well, humbling.

You are worth it. Believe it.