justtired

Good luck Cessy. You can do it! Just had a thought. Too bad you don't live close to me. I could move in with you which would get me out of my house. And I certainly would have no trouble filling those soon-to-be empty closets of yours! LOL

Have you thought about getting a roommate at all? Maybe your house wouldn't be so quiet and you wouldn't miss him so much if you had someone to talk to. Plus they could help with the bills.

greeteachday

Cessy, You are doing great! Each day things will get a little bit easier...The one day at a time idea works for ending relationships too.

I actually was going to ask if I could rent out the closets, lol...I could use a little more space. Hang in there sweetie -This was a tough move to make but so worth it because you are worth it!

cessy68

Ahhhaaa. Funny you should say that. An obvious move, would be to get a roomate, (my home is 4000 sq feet)! Urgh. Too much to care for-- but it's mine.

I don't want a roomate, I really love my privacy. As it is, it kills me when my own flesh and blood, (the boys) are leaving a plate out, etc. (kinda a neat freak!) , I couldn't imagine dealing w/ a roomie!!

However jt, you are more than welcome here, anytime.

Hugs,
Cessy

cassandra2

How are you doing Cess?

NeedingHelp7

cessy68, you can do this!!! You may have withdrawls of him, but they won't last long. When you feel the urge to pick up the phone when he calls, don't do it, let it go to the machine!! When you feel the urge to respond to one of his messages, don't do it!! He will soon go away, and you will be moving forward. You will have grief due to the loss of the relationship, that's normal, so let the tears come when they do.

I believe there are many good articles here on GRIEF. Concentrate on recovering from the grief and you will get through this..... one day at a time.

Huggs:ghug2,
NH7

eweiss0517

Cessy,
I feel the same way you do right now. I feel like I'm in limbo. Last night was a bad night with my fiance. I wish I could get him to leave right now, but he won't. I have one child with him, he has two and I had one prior to us. We have a lot of children involved and I'm scared to make that step. Although, I'm physically sick right now. My stomach feels like I could puke at any moment just thinking about it and thinking about him. And of course, I can't stop thinking about it. His problems are consuming my life.
I'm failing my online classes, I'm irritable and depressed.

Erin

kj3880

Hi Erin and Welcome!

Maybe you'd like to start a new thread and tell a bit of your story so we can get to know you a bit?

Love,
KJ

coffeedrinker

Yes, Erin, I too will look for you on this board. I live in the NW suburbs of Mpls. I have begun going to Narc-Anon and I think it will be very helpful.

Peace

truthhurts

Cessy, I am excited for you! This is just the beginning of your OWN journey....one where you are in control and can call all the shots...the insanity of living with addiction and all its various and sundry by-products can become just a distant and unpleasant memory for you, if you let it.

Just take it day by day, don't worry about tomorrow...seriously....tomorrow will take care of itself.

You are gonna do JUST GREAT!!!! Hang in there and keep posting here. We've all been here before.

Callie

Cess, you doin' ok?

justtired

Cessy! Where'd ya go girly?

I hope things are going okay!

cessy68

Hi guys, I'm here-- thank you for thinking of me. I'm terribly depressed. I'm going through what others have described, re-thinking everything, even rationalizing that it wasn't 'that bad'.

It's sad that part of my being upset, is that he is NOT contacting me this time. Perhaps he knows that he can't live w/ me (the monkey on his back), kicking and screaming all the time about the monkey on his back, meaning his addiction. Furthermore, he has told me all along, that his divorce would get finalized, perhaps by me asking him to leave, he dosen't have to do anything..... literally. Everything can stay status quo, just minus me. (his headache).

I feel unloved, and like I wasn't good enough for him to make good on his promises. I even said to our mutual friend the other night, that if he had at least finalized his divorce, I could have stuck by him, w/ helping him fight this disease. My friend said "be glad he didn't finalize his divorce, cause all that would do is leave you with a divorced junkie".

Furthermore, my friend believes the bigger issue is his addiction 1st, getting his divorce
2nd. I didn't see it that way.

I see this all as a big kick in my mouth, that I allowed to happen..... by believing his words.

Why does it bother me that he hasn't called?

Why do I even ask this? I know the answer, I want what will never happen. I'm so messed up right now. I just want to go back to bed............. for a week.

I don't feel proud, I feel sad.

I'm sorry if I'm letting people down.

Love,
Cess

Chino

cessy, please know I'm not ignoring your grief and depression when I ask this -- do you believe and accept that your personal happiness is your responsibility?

outtolunch

If Ann Landers was still around, she might ask:

Is your life better with him, as he is, not as you want him to be?

teke

cessy, i'm sorry you are feeling down and i don't think you are disappointing anyone here. try not to be too hard on yourself, his behavior has nothing to do with you. i agree with your friend, unless he is seeking help for himself, he's still a married addict. isn't that the reason why he's gone?

keep the focus on you and how you can better your own life. you deserve so much more. you are in my prayers

justtired

Cess, Teke's right, you aren't letting anybody down at all. I'm very proud of you for doing this. You're going to go through all kinds of feelings and emotions. I just hope you'll let yourself go through the stages and not give in because it hurts at this moment. It's just like it would be for an addict beginning in recovery. Does it feel good right away? No! It feels like crap and it's absolutely miserable. But if you give it time, you will just keep feeling better little by little.

What he is choosing to do is no reflection on you my dear. The reason he's not calling or keeping his promises is NOT because you "aren't good enough". He's making bad decisions.. one after the other. And he will continue to do so until he's "done". Hang tight and just keep putting one foot in front of the other! Hugs to you!

sodetermined

This is a powerful statment to me, someone posted that before on another forum and I still tell myself this from time to time.

cassandra2

Cess you know I truly care.....How were YOU helping HIM fight his disease????

This is a disease of the brain. YOU cant help him fight a disease that is going on inside of HIM. You still havent let go of the idea that you are powerless over his addiction. You still believe somewhere that you are the cause of this.

Why?

The reason that it bothers you that he hasnt called is because of the things I listed above AND because you asked him to leave for ALL the wrong reasons. You, somewhere inside of you, really thought that again this would make him wake up. You wanted him to validate to you that you mean enough to him that he would get off the pills, get the divorce and everything would be GREAT!!!

Honey, its your thinking that has to change. Its your responsibility to truly see that you have no control over addiction and that its NOT ABOUT YOU. You cant make anyone do anything they dont want to do.

Addiction is cunning and baffling. Addiction will take the greatest, smartest, most talented individuals and DESTROY them. How many times have you read about how much the addict has changed? They are SLAVES to their DOC and nothing, noone will stand in their way.

Sweetheart its just not about you. Please for your sake, the sake of your well being and happiness get ahold of that one fact....

cessy68

Yes, and I also believe in love. I believe in giving your heart, and if it gets stompped on, you will also suffer the appropriate emotions, tied to 'giving' someone your all.-- hence leading to my all wasn't good enough.

This just stinks.

Abundance

aaaaaaaaaw Cessy.... BIG love to you xoxoox

How many days has it been since you have heard from him?

These words are so true... and yet so simple.

"I can't control it, cure it, or cause it"... Those 3 C's are good for you to meditate on. There is absolutely nothing you could do to make things go your way when in regards to him. Which is why the practice/preach is for us to make ourselves happy.... as we are the only ones that we can control / cure / cause.

I know where you are ... I was in this space back in the middle of June. It totally sucks... you gotta stay busy... and spoil yourself. Talk about monkey on the back.... YOU no longer have the monkey on YOUR back!!!!

I wish I could give you a great big hug and take you out for ice cream or go dancing or on a nature hike or something.

My thoughts are with you xoxoxoxo