ncgirl

So, I am finishing my Alanon 4th Step after 4 years. I am supposed to write out what it is I want in an ideal mate/spouse. How bout not alcoholic or addict. My sponsor says that is the bare minimum, I should shoot for the stars for everything I want, not everything I don't want. So, I am thinking about this ideal mate. I met my exhusband when I was 17 and we divorced a few years ago, when I was 45. Met my ex boyfriend during the last few years of my marriage. My husband was not sharing a bed with me for 7 years and the new boyfriend started out as a friend, and progressed after I split from my husband. New boyfriend, who is not my ex, is a ch and a. My ex was a pill fiend, alcoholic, but was clean for 10 years, via AA, when we split. So, I would say the new bf was a downward lateral move.
Back to my 4th step. So, I know what I don't want. right? Not much experience actually entertaining thoughts of some different type of guy, because I am all caught up in my bf and his trials and tribulations. Had no contact with bf for almost one month, as he is using (crack) and drinking.
Last night I get a call from someone. He is "incredibly attracted to me". He really wants to get to know me. Can I meet him for a drink? He is NOT a substance or alcohol abuser and I am a "cheap" date, not an addict or alch. to substances, just to men. Guess what, I forget to ask my HP for? NOT MARRIED! I explain to this guy that he has a baby and 2 kids and a wife and his life is tough financially right now, and he thinks I might be fun but I am not going to ride this horse. That I want a man who is physically and emotionally available. THat I had never considered, nor would I ever consider, a married guy. Who would have thunk? I told him I was flattered and he said I shoudn't be flattered, he really wants me to know how I feel. Told him if his wife joins us, I would be happy to meet him for a date!
Back to my 4th Step. Really have to think this one through. I know eventually G-d will put someone in my life who is deserving of all that I have to give and someone who can take care of me and be there for me. I no longer want to be the only caretaker, adult in the relationship. I have a son to take care of. Not a man.
and I am not rushing for a guy. The phone call made me smile. I choose to believe it is G-d telling me eventually the right guy is going to come into my life. Meantime, I am on the alert on how to avoid the others.
Had a rough afternoon yesterday missing my ch bf. but knowing that his HP is working through him, and sometime believing that he may some day recover, or not. I hate this disease. I love the man, but the man is strictly a vessel for the substances, and I am too smart to think I rank anywhere close to that. my name is not "Euphoria".

NC Girl

NC Girl.

coffeedrinker

Way to go, sounds like your feet are planted.

Can someone tell me what a "ch" is?

ncgirl

ch = crackhead

ElegantlyWasted

You deserve what you want. Figure out what it is and go for it! Cultish goobletygook aside the core message of the "what the bleepers" is the power of positive thinking which is real, healthy and a great way to approach life. I don't think the law of attraction is really that much of a "secret". They totally dropped the Ball for me with the past lives lady and their application of quantum physics. That not withstanding. Throw yourself out there with positive thoughts and body language and see how others relate to you, it works! Not sure about the Jedi trick of creating parking spaces though (had to many Psych classes and I keep thinking false attribution and cognitive dissonance)... Smile. Humbly on day 100.

rayofsunshine

My list isn't complete... I'm still working on it.... maybe it'll give you a few ideas

* MUST be employed with a good employment record
* DOESN'T do drugs or other serious addictions
* a good CHRISTIAN man that would attend church with me
* would be good FATHER figure to my kids
* SEXY sincere cowboy type
* treats me like a PRINCESS... with love and respect
* would like to spend weekends at the LAKE... boating/fishing/jetskiing cooking out etc.
* has no MAJOR issues (like DSS took his children etc, like the man who's trying to ask me out.)

outtolunch

At the risk of sounding like an alien and I certainly mean no harm, I am not sure I get this "someone to take care of me", thing.

I do not think I have once had this thought. I am an adult and can take care of me, just fine and expected someone equally as able to do the same for themselves.

ncgirl

Out to Lunch:
I take care of myself. I take care of my clients who rely on me to be their advocates. I take care of my son. I don't mean I want someone to take care of me, though I did use that phrase. I want someone who can relate to me as an adult and as a child, on a fun level. I want someone who will make me dinner every so often. Someone who will rub my back every so often. Someone who will give me a hug every so often. Of course, it will be mutual. I have been an adult my whole life and the men in my life have been children and adolescents. I want an adult in my life to relate to/with. BUT I also want to be able to have fun, which is the child in me. My child is what needs nuturing. I know how to be an adult. I don't want to have to parent in an adult relationship. Hope this makes sense. I don't want to be the only adult in the relationship. That is really what I mean.

NC Girl

Spinner-007

it's good to keep a list of good qualities you want in a mate, but perhaps the best way to meet that person is to choose a path where you want to go and do the things you really want to do in life(write, travel, take art classes, etc).

I think people come into your life when you're both on the same path doing things that are similar. Maybe it's in the 'doing', the action, that brings us together.

Jody Hepler

Cats Pajamas has a great list - I hope she posts!

Jody