I 'told' on him.......
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Location: Ohio
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JadedOne2009 said:
I, too, always feared telling people about Abf's addiction. All that has done is isolate me even further.
Looking at this post again made me think. I know that Cessy has been dealing with this in secret for a while. Another poster here, Callie, also did her best to keep her H's addiction a secret for quite a while. In comparison I started talking about it really quickly. First only to my Mother and a couple of really close friends. At first I was really frustrated because they wondered if I was right. As time went on and I had more 'proof' they realized there was something going on with his meds. Then I got the courage to confront him with my fears of whether he was taking them as prescribed. He told me that he would stop going to the dr (this was Feb 08) Then as I started finding pills and seeing evidence of continued use all combined with denials, lies, and saying hurtful things I realized this is probably worse than I thought. At first I was worried about just abuse of his pills then I started seeing true addict behavior. Then came the point that I went to his adult daughter and brother with what & why I thought. In some way I know that I shouldnt expect more from them than I did from my own mother... she didnt believe me at first either. But on the other hand, when I first came to her I had little more than just a feeling that something was not right. So I do wonder how they can be so convinced that I must be wrong since by the time I told them of what I thought I had lots of 'proof'.
And ya know what... putting it all out there in the open didnt keep me from feeling isolated. Even with the support of my mother and friends I still feel alone because them knowing and believing me does nothing to help the situation. Going to his family for help or support completely backfired and now I feel even more isolated because they dont believe it of him. I sometimes wonder if I would get some comfort if I knew they believed I could be right but just choose not to get involved... I dont know. Maybe it would keep my pride from stinging just a bit since I wouldnt be the crazy, paranoid wife anymore but that would be about it.
My point though... I think that having an addict in our lives will isolate us all no matter how we deal with it... keeping their secrets or telling the whole world what they are doing... doesnt matter. There will always be feelings of 'they dont or wouldnt understand, what will the neighbors think, great! my parents always did say he was a loser now they will have proof, just make sure his boss doesnt find out so he doesnt lose his job, family always did say I spoiled the child and they will think it is my fault they are on drugs.
I think that the isolation we feel is going to be a given until we really learn the lesson of detachment. No matter how we go about dealing with the addict and their addiction detachment is KEY to not allowing them and that control our lives.
I, too, always feared telling people about Abf's addiction. All that has done is isolate me even further.
Looking at this post again made me think. I know that Cessy has been dealing with this in secret for a while. Another poster here, Callie, also did her best to keep her H's addiction a secret for quite a while. In comparison I started talking about it really quickly. First only to my Mother and a couple of really close friends. At first I was really frustrated because they wondered if I was right. As time went on and I had more 'proof' they realized there was something going on with his meds. Then I got the courage to confront him with my fears of whether he was taking them as prescribed. He told me that he would stop going to the dr (this was Feb 08) Then as I started finding pills and seeing evidence of continued use all combined with denials, lies, and saying hurtful things I realized this is probably worse than I thought. At first I was worried about just abuse of his pills then I started seeing true addict behavior. Then came the point that I went to his adult daughter and brother with what & why I thought. In some way I know that I shouldnt expect more from them than I did from my own mother... she didnt believe me at first either. But on the other hand, when I first came to her I had little more than just a feeling that something was not right. So I do wonder how they can be so convinced that I must be wrong since by the time I told them of what I thought I had lots of 'proof'.
And ya know what... putting it all out there in the open didnt keep me from feeling isolated. Even with the support of my mother and friends I still feel alone because them knowing and believing me does nothing to help the situation. Going to his family for help or support completely backfired and now I feel even more isolated because they dont believe it of him. I sometimes wonder if I would get some comfort if I knew they believed I could be right but just choose not to get involved... I dont know. Maybe it would keep my pride from stinging just a bit since I wouldnt be the crazy, paranoid wife anymore but that would be about it.
My point though... I think that having an addict in our lives will isolate us all no matter how we deal with it... keeping their secrets or telling the whole world what they are doing... doesnt matter. There will always be feelings of 'they dont or wouldnt understand, what will the neighbors think, great! my parents always did say he was a loser now they will have proof, just make sure his boss doesnt find out so he doesnt lose his job, family always did say I spoiled the child and they will think it is my fault they are on drugs.
I think that the isolation we feel is going to be a given until we really learn the lesson of detachment. No matter how we go about dealing with the addict and their addiction detachment is KEY to not allowing them and that control our lives.
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Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,906
My point though... I think that having an addict in our lives will isolate us all no matter how we deal with it... keeping their secrets or telling the whole world what they are doing... doesnt matter
For sure suspicious! Once my AH's addiction came to light, I had people totally surrounding me saying 'Callie" do something. You're better than this. XYZ is a good lawyer. We have your back, we support you, we care about you, you can do better than this. EVERYONE rallied around me. What did I do? Stay. Thinking that I knew better, I knew what he would/could/should/WANTED to become.
I guess the thing that "I" see in so many of us here is that we're looking at WHAT WE THOUGHT THEY COULD BE. Not WHO THEY ARE RIGHT NOW. I'm still with RAH, but I tell ya, recovery isn't a pretty sight from my POV either. Drugs messes with your soul, your being, who you are. Especially when you've done them for long periods.
Cess, this is your thread. You're finding your way, but I can also see the blinders slipping up in order to buy time until you're ready. That's fine for a while, but don't let those blinders rise up permanently as I have done. You're in for a lifetime of misery if you do. I gather from your posts that you're a classy, beautiful, well spoken lady. This man is not the father of your kids, he's not tied to you in any way that you can't release him and be done with him forever. I have no doubt that you'll find someone who will treat you accordingly and then you'll be kicking yourself in the a## wondering why you gave this man so many years. He's a magician. It's an illusion. He's a master manipulator, making you think he's who he's not, deceiving you all along. Don't mean to make you mad Cess, but I see way too much of me in you. DRUG ABUSE ALWAYS ESCALATES. I CAN SEE HIS ESCALATING INCH BY INCH SINCE YOU CAME HERE.
For sure suspicious! Once my AH's addiction came to light, I had people totally surrounding me saying 'Callie" do something. You're better than this. XYZ is a good lawyer. We have your back, we support you, we care about you, you can do better than this. EVERYONE rallied around me. What did I do? Stay. Thinking that I knew better, I knew what he would/could/should/WANTED to become.
I guess the thing that "I" see in so many of us here is that we're looking at WHAT WE THOUGHT THEY COULD BE. Not WHO THEY ARE RIGHT NOW. I'm still with RAH, but I tell ya, recovery isn't a pretty sight from my POV either. Drugs messes with your soul, your being, who you are. Especially when you've done them for long periods.
Cess, this is your thread. You're finding your way, but I can also see the blinders slipping up in order to buy time until you're ready. That's fine for a while, but don't let those blinders rise up permanently as I have done. You're in for a lifetime of misery if you do. I gather from your posts that you're a classy, beautiful, well spoken lady. This man is not the father of your kids, he's not tied to you in any way that you can't release him and be done with him forever. I have no doubt that you'll find someone who will treat you accordingly and then you'll be kicking yourself in the a## wondering why you gave this man so many years. He's a magician. It's an illusion. He's a master manipulator, making you think he's who he's not, deceiving you all along. Don't mean to make you mad Cess, but I see way too much of me in you. DRUG ABUSE ALWAYS ESCALATES. I CAN SEE HIS ESCALATING INCH BY INCH SINCE YOU CAME HERE.
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Originally Posted by Callie 
[COLOR="Red"]Cess, this is your thread. You're finding your way, but I can also see the blinders slipping up in order to buy time until you're ready. That's fine for a while, but don't let those blinders rise up permanently as I have done. You're in for a lifetime of misery if you do. I gather from your posts that you're a classy, beautiful, well spoken lady. This man is not the father of your kids, he's not tied to you in any way that you can't release him and be done with him forever. I have no doubt that you'll find someone who will treat you accordingly and then you'll be kicking yourself in the a## wondering why you gave this man so many years. He's a magician. It's an illusion. He's a master manipulator, making you think he's who he's not, deceiving you all along. Don't mean to make you mad Cess, but I see way too much of me in you. DRUG ABUSE ALWAYS ESCALATES. I CAN SEE HIS ESCALATING INCH BY INCH SINCE YOU CAME HERE.
Absolutly................ amen.
I agree.
No rebutal (sp?) on that one..........
Love,
Cess
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