BohemiMamaof3

Hi Everyone. Just wondering how everyone is going to navigate through the holiday seasons? How does your recovery impact what you do for the holidays now? If you have to be around your A-loved one during holiday gatherings, how do you handle those things?

I am asking because since my Abrother wants no contact with me, and he most likely will be around the holidays, and I want to be around our Mom, I'm not sure what to do. I'm wondering if I should even concern myself with this, but I feel like it would be best to be prepared with some boundaries in place. Last year he caused this big, unpleasant drama the day after Christmas, he was on a binge. I don't want to hurt my Mom's feelings, but my DH & I really would rather not be around him, particularly since he has some kind of irrational anger focused on me anyway.

I think I will just say, Mom I don't want to make it some kind of choice for you between spending holidays with either of us, but I just cannot be around him at all right now, as things are. My Mom usually has Thanksgiving dinner at her home, and we are about 300 miles from her. She comes down here now to be with us for most holidays, and previously we always invited my brother as well. This year he is just not welcome. I haven't brought all of this up with my Mom because, I just don't know how she will react. I would like to have a good plan and good wording ready for a discussion with her. I need your help.

greeteachday

Thinking about it ahead of time is probably a good idea. Soemtimes in the stress of the holidays things escalate and emotions take control. You sound like you have given this thoughtful consideration for all involved and your motives seem quite sincere - to have peaceful holidays. That's a great start right there.

I don't have specific experience to share, but I have found that following "say what you mean, mean what you say, but don't say it mean" helps me through many tense situations without making matters worse.

bluebelle

I think your boundaries sound good. My addict mom gets really crazy around the holidays. A couple of years ago, I went home, but had my boundaries in place. I said I wasn't going to stay if she started screaming, got violent, etc. She did lose control--I left and went to a hotel. My boundaries certainly didn't change her behavior. I had to hear all kinds of opinions about my choices from my relatives. However, I did what was best for my sanity and safety, and that's what's important. Your mom might not agree with you, or go along with it. It won't change your brother's behavior. However, it's good to have boundaries in place to protect you.

Ann

Holidays can be a difficult time for many of us, for me they often bring back memories (good and bad) of holidays past.

Today I refuse to get "stuck" in emotions or sadness as the holidays approach. I try to see family and spend special time with them, whether it is on the special day or just during the season, and I like to volunteer a little and help make Christmas a little brighter for those who can use a lift.

Our lives may not be what Hallmark cards are made of, but we can make our own special moments and not get drawn into expectations that are unlikely to be fulfilled.

Hugs

llm

I'm glad you brought up holidays. My 22 year old AS still lives with us. We haven't told our family members about his addiction, at his request. My concern is "presents". Being 22 years old all that he ever gets for presents is money from grandparents, aunts, uncles, godparents, etc. If I tell everyone not to give him money they will question why. If he gets all that money I know what will happen to it! Any suggestions??? If he gets gift cards he'll just sell them. I don't know what to say to you Momaof3, because this is our first holiday knowing we have an AS. Thanks!

BohemiMamaof3

Hi llm, I am concerned about your son not wanting his family to know about his addiction, because I believe that honesty creates an atmosphere for accountability & responsibility. In my experience with my Abrother, when other relatives and friends did not know about his problems, he used them to get money, etc. He would lie about needing car repairs, etc. Sooner or later everyone found out and then they were understandably mad or hurt. I do not lie to cover for him, because I have found it only aids in his using. I know "not telling" is not an outright lie, but it is concealing a pertinent truth that can effect others in a negative way, and even harm them or my Abrother.

Only you can decide what is right for you and your family. If it were me, I would seriously consider mentioning something to the relatives, even if it were something like Joe has a problem that I am not at liberty to discuss with you, but we ask that you refrain from giving him money or gift cards this year. Perhaps there are other gifts they can give him this year that will be something he can use and appreciate and is less likely to trade for drugs. I hope others chime in on this.

I like that!

I don't think I'm going to even bring it up with my Mom yet. I'm just going to think about it, and pray about the right approach and wait.

MsPINKAcres

Holidays

wow - they are "suppose" to be such a happy occasion -right?
But boy they sure can bring out the stress and sadness in everyone huh?

When I got into recovery - i discovered that beautiful thing called CHOICES. And I began using that option during the holidays.
Since your brother is apparently not in recovery at this time - is your Mom open to discussing different options for the holidays?

could you approach her with the option of "Mom, I want everyone to have a peaceful holiday season, so can my family celebrate the holiday with you at a different time that when my brother is going to be around - this way there is no tension?" Let's do our Thanksgiving the day after or before - let's do our Christmas on Christmas eve if he is coming Christmas Day"
Just open it up for discussion - try something different - A holiday isn't tied to a date on the calendar - it's about a spirit in your heart, soul and mind - time spent celebrating the wonderful time of fellowship with those you love.

As far as the gift thing - is your son at a point where you can talk to him about it? Is he in any type of recovery? (even if it is in & out) Can you approach him with a healthy compassion saying "Son, we know you are struggling with a disease that is not your fault. We also know that you truly don't want to do anything more to hurt your family. In order to avoid any future pain for you and your grandparents, aunts, uncles - how do you think we should handle the matter of Christmas gifts. We all know that cash and gift cards are not the best gifts for you right now. We want to respect your request for anonymity about your disease, but at the same time - we know that it would break family members hearts if they felt they were contributing or enabling you in a negative way in your battle against this disease. What do you think would be the best way to handle this?"

Sometimes our loved ones need the dignity, self-respect to think and fight for themselves.

They may not always make the best choices - but if they aren't ever given the opportunity - how can they learn?

Wishing both of you the best holiday season ever!!
HUGS,
Rita

llm

To mamaof3 and Japico05,

Thank you for your responses. We just found out about his addiction 5 weeks ago, so it is all new to us too. My AS has not borrowed any money from relatives at all. They suspect nothing at all. He is doing an outpatient rehab, he goes 7 days a week. I think it is a good idea to talk to him, depending on how he answers will decide what I do.

Thanks again,

llm

BohemiMamaof3

That is a wonderful suggestion - much better than my way - full of codie residue!

And your suggestion about how to approach my Mom about our holidays is the best! I just needed something fresh from an unbiased 3rd party. My Mom and even my DH for separate reasons feel very strongly about celebrating holidays and special occasions on the 'day of.' They are going to have to be a little flexible of that.