supportforme

I am proud to say that I was able to attend my 1st naranon meeting on Friday. I have mixed feelings about the experience. There was a woman that was on 24 years of meetings. Her AH has been clean for 20 years. Gave me both hope and anxiety that she would still need meetings after all these years. I was able to briefly share with the group. What suprised me was that I didn't shed a tear. Over the past 2 years, I can't remember a day, that my husband's lies or addiction has NOT brought a tear to my eyes. Supposedly, he is on the Suboxone still and is Not taking any pills. He is not acting suspiciously (no money missing, always were he says he is going to be, I haven't found any pills recently) but I can't stop myself from playing detective.....My fear is that I may be causing problems where there aren;t any. Then, of course, my head always has to go to the affair that he had. I'm driving myself crazy. He told me he was depressed yesterday because of his medical condition and me coming down on him. I just told him that when I'm depressed, I play with the kids, listen to music really loud, read a book or sometimes just cry = he may want to try it sometime. I will keep attending the meetings for now to try to find some peace for myself. I've always been such a strong, independant woman and I feel so broken right now. Sad- I always thought that if I was successfull and strong-willed, I would never have to depend on a man. The emotional dependance once you have children, never occurred to me. I guess life happens while your busy making other plans

Sikofit

Yes, the kid issue will get you every time, won't it?

It sounds like you're making great progress. I can understand your anxiety about the woman and the years of meetings...like some have noted on here, dealing with the addict becomes YOUR addiction, so do you then switch it to becoming addicted to the meetings? I wonder sometimes...

Good luck to you.

Ann

Glad you made it to a meeting, and hope you keep going for more until you decide if they are helping you or not.

I have been in recovery for over 13 years now, my son has been missing for more than 5, but for me the things I have learned and continue to discover have helped me keep my life in balance...no matter what life hands me. For me, recovery isn't something that stops when my immediate problems end, it is a gift that I give myself to stay healthy and happy and which helps me find beauty in every single day.

Just keep taking care of yourself and your child, keep yourself surrounded by support, and slowly life will get better, I promise you that.

Hugs

imallright

I remember going to meetings and feeling the same way, "You have got to be kidding me. These people have been here for how long???? Why aren't they doing something so they can move on and do something else with their time???"

Now, I see that they are doing something with their time. The meetings are about taking care of themselves, joining with friends and supporters and pulling back to center. Keep trying it on for size.

I don't attend meetings regularly any more, but I love knowing that I can and do when I feel the need for an extra boost and check in to help me stay on track.

All the best!

supportforme

Thanks for the support. If this marriage has any chance, I need to get to a better place myself and most importantly for my children. The constant detective work is taking away from the most important things in my life - my precious babies, my sanity and my relationship with my rAH. My obsession with questionning every transaction is draining. Hopefully, the meetings and the support from all of you wonderful people can help me gain the strength to move forward. I know I need to let go and leave it in the hands of the higher power; however, I can't seem to get there. Any advice on rebuilding the trust would be greatly appreciated.

imallright

Not sure what to say about the rebuilding trust issue. I think it is a matter of letting go and letting God. H's actions will either be strong enough to allow you to find peace and rebuild trust in the relationship or you will come to know "it ain't gonna happen".

Serenity Bound

I've been attending meetings for 10 yrs now. Not only to work on me (after all I'm a work in progress) but also to be there for newcomers, just as they were for me.

supportforme

I keep reading step 1 over and over think it will sink in. He claims he is just depressed because he has been working the last 13 nights straight. He can be off on Friday if he wants to but "he's not sure". He said working to compensate for the money that he used during his addiction. I told him, I'm not looking for any financial compensation. His family misses him and we need him. I think he's avoiding us and may be on pills again. I don't know why, just a gut feeling. I know he is at work. I do not see any additional money coming out of the account. He does have health insurance and has been to the doctor - pain management, of course. He told me that he just got a shot but no pills. I don't believe him. I saw a hint of the man I married when he first told me about the addiction. He even offered to have a gps on his car at that time. He was so willing to tell me everything then. Even though it hurt to hear him tell me the truth about the pills and the other woman, I believed him. Now, if I ask him any question about his meds, he claims I'm coming down on him, he's reaching a breaking point, it depresses him. I told him I will question him b/c I don't trust and I need full disclosure. I think he's hiding pills in his truck. I want to check I know I need to let go. I just need to know if he's still taking them to protect myself and my children. He was so attentive to me and the kids when he first admitted, now I feel like being with us makes him miserable - I sense it's because he's guilty. Financially, I don't need him. I'm actually very successful in my career, which I know bothers him. He is a very insecure man. My fear is that if I leave him, he will spiral out of control and my kids will deal with the consequences. They are so both school age. I don't want to have to deal with a man that is addicted and having to share custody if he is not well. I know that legally, I could protect them but, it will be a very hard battle for my children. I hate the fact that I'm in a position that even if I do what I know is right for me, my actions will hurt my children. I know they'll realilze the truth when they are older; however, they are too young not to see me as the bad guy right now. I am trying to give this family the best chance I can; however, I don't know how much I can take. I know, if he spirals, it's not our fault; but, we deal with the consequences. He's not abusive, we don't fight and yell in front of them. Even when we argue, it's in the middle of the night and I'm outside on the deck. I'm just so lonely and sad.........Thanks and sorry for long post......I needed to get that out.

Suspicious

To SupportForMe

Wanting to get into his truck to look for pills... worried that the kids are too young to understand that he is addicted... knowing that eventually they will understand.... dreading the time in between, when you know they blame you...

Wow, you could be me... except for the financial stability thing lol.... I even wondered about the people at the meetings who have been there for years but someone else mentioned that now they not only get something out of it but put something back in by being there for newcomers. I would like to think that at some point not only would I be strong enough in my own recovery to feel 'well' but that I would feel that I had something to offer the new person who is just as confused and scared as me. I have noticed lately that when I picture the future it is not always the doom & gloom of how this turns out with AH but sometimes it is seeing myself as I will be, at these meetings, helping new people. I cant seem to stop trying to see the future (I think I will always do that) but I find a lot of hope in seeing something good coming of this.

supportforme

All of the support that I've been getting here and Nar-Anon is giving me strength. It also scares me to see how many years some people have been going through with this heartache. Part of me gets so angry at him for doing this even though I don't believe that he intentially set out to hurt all of us this much. He's very depressed. We were talking (he never used to talk-at all!) and he said he feels like the weight of the world is on his shoulders. I offered my support. Told him I could stand with him to help - but, I won't stand by and be lied to. I told him last night that if the best thing for him is to leave, then he should. If he's confused about his feelings with me, he should be true to himself. He asked me if I was crazy - of course he doesn't want someone else (I guess he just wanted to have fun for a year with the go-go dancer - LOL)

BTW - I did check the truck and the backpack and nothing. I couldn't help myself.

barblsn

Support....you know now you are not alone, that other people are going through what you are now, and more importantly, there are people who have SURVIVED what you're going through now!

My RAH has been home a year, and I sometime can't resist the urge to snoop. I try and remind myself that finding evidence of use in the past did NOTHING to help my problem; I knew he was using anyway. But sometimes I guess, I just need to know.

I didn't have good experiences with Nar Anon and Al Anon meetings, but found great support here. Do you what YOU need to do to get through this. I urge you to focus on you. There is NOTHING you can do to make your husband use, or not use. It's his choice. And he isn't going to do anything to help you through this. He can't. It's up to you.