squirty

Hi everybody. I have never posted on this section before, only on the substance abuse page. That's because I thought I was just a drug addict. Turns out when you take away the drugs there's a whole other world of underlying problems... who'd have thought it eh?! These last few months I've realized one of my massive underlying problems is the relationship I choose to have with men.

It's like I can see the problems now that my head is clear but I have no idea what to do about it. My councilor has a theory that your emotional age is that of when you started taking drugs. This makes my emotional age 16, actual age 28.

Anyway, the main problem I have is with my ex-boyfriend. We met when I was 19 at university. Life for us was all about getting completely wasted. We had a very similar attitude to drugs, for us the party never ended, we never wanted to come down. See the big difference is that I always tried to maintain some sense of normality i.e. get a job, get money and rely on myself financially as there was no-one to dig me out of a hole. However, that's exactly what I have done with every man in my life, particularly this one. I have always lent him money. I always cave in thinking he needs to eat etc. Deep down I've always known I'm just funding somebody's drug habit (his was an expensive coke habit mine was more prescription pills mixed in with other drugs sometimes). I'm talking thousands and thousands of pounds.

I know most of you must have heard these stories a thousand times. He can be a lovely, charming and fun person but he thinks nothing of disappearing for weeks, sometimes months and not even call or answer to say he's safe. I put up with it all though like a fool. Anyway, when we split up 2 and a half years ago, it was mainly cus we needed to sort our addictions out... I started the recovery process, he just carried on with the same old behaviours. However, he has got worse and worse in my opinion, mainly with his attitude. Now he doesn't have to worry about caring for someone else he only seems to care about getting wasted. I remind him of what he could be but doesn't want to be.

I have done the whole cutting him out of my life etc. It was hard but I did it. However, I did just replace him with another guy who was very controlling. When that ended I got in touch with the ex. We played the whole dance of looking like we could have fun and get on but led to a massive relapse for me in the Summer. Now he's not even fun to be around and was actually quite mean to me the other day when I saw him... like he really doesn't care about me at all. That hurts. We thought we were soul mates at one point.

Anyway, to cut a long story short the main reasons I'm sharing is cus I really don't understand how I keep being drawn in and wanting to be with him when I know he's so wrong for me. He drives me insane when he ignores me.

The other thing is, I know I have to cut him out again to move on but I don't know what to do about all the money he owes me. All the asking and nagging has got me nowhere so far. He seems to have no guilt about this. I fear I may need to write the money off, as it has meant keeping in touch with him when I know I shouldn't. However, I could really do with that money, I have family members who are in a mess financially that I'm trying to help. I work hard and get paid quite well but really struggling with all these outgoings!

I'm so sorry this is so long. This has all really thrown me. I didn't realize what a massive problem this all was for me. I thought my worst problem was drugs. I think I was wrong...

Any advice would be much appreciated.

I'm so sorry for what us addicts do to you. You have no idea some of the shame I feel about that.

Love Squirty xxx

sailorjohn

For me, what was pointed out to me on numerous occasions, and I agree fully, she became my new doc. Like a drug or alcohol, kind of an analgesic to take the focus off my own 'stuff', including a lot of pain.

I guess I jumped back in the boat-she didn't need hooks, she could just stir the water with her hand-because I hadn't had enough of that particular pain, looking at the cost/benefit analysis and still thinking it was worth it, or maybe I just invented the whole thing, and she just went along for the ride. They say the last thing an alcoholic gives up are their fantasies.

teke

hey, i am a recoverying addict and it wasn't until i got sober that i realized that i had other issues too. i can relate to a lot of what you posted so i do understand how you feel.

it took me awhile longer than you but i eventually had to cut my loses. it was a struggle for me to even began to get on my feet as far as finances but i realized i finally had to choose between him and whatever i felt he owed me, or my sanity. my life was far more important because i knew from exp. that me staying and expecting my ah to reemburse me for anything, was only giving him the opportunity to drain me of more.

sounds to me like the longer you wait for him to repay you, the amount he owes will only multiply. i vote for somehow if possible to cut your loses and move on. it really don't sound like he plans on actually paying you as long as he is still active in his addiction and just you hanging around. allowing him to continue treat you that way still won't make him do anything differently, not until he is ready. jmo. you and yours are in my prayers.

funkzter

Hi Squirty,

Congrat on your sobriety!
I guess just take one problem at a time. Dealing with your sobriety is probably (from what i've seen in my addict anyway) the hardest thing ever. So try to focus on that for now -and it sounds to me that staying away from active addict is definitely a must- As you've seen, everything is connected. Once you start clearing the vicious circle of addiction then you will feel much better about yourself and eventually will not need him in your life (or at least until he's clean and commited which we have no guarantee about). So my advise is stay strong, stay clean and things will work out for the best.
Good luck
xx

BigSis

Don't know if you are using 12-step recovery for your drug problem, but most of the members of my Alanon group are "double winners" - starting in another 12-step program, but coming to Alanon to learn how to do relationships.

You might give Alanon a try... six meetings is suggested to see if it has something to offer that you might find valuable. Good luck!

Impurrfect

(((Squirty))) - I am a huge codie..figured it out somewhere along the way, as I was working my way into addiction but wasn't ready to do anything aboutit. I was already comfortable being miserable in my relationship.

As far as the money, I would say cut your losses. I've had to do it more than once. If he had any intention of paying it back, he would have already been working on it.

I've stuck very close to this forum, as well as the codependency thread in the Newcomer's Daily Support forum and have learned a lot - like I need to figure out more of waht I want/don't want in a relationship before I even start looking!

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

Ann

Lots of double winners here, Squirty, so make yourself comfortable and take a read around.

My home fellowship before we moved was CoDA (Codependents Anonymous) a group of about 30 each week. About half the group were double winners who also attended AA or NA as well.

Codependents and addicts seem to be magnets in attracting each other. It's up to us to break the chain and find a healthier way to live.

Again, welcome.

Hugs

squirty

Thank you all so much for your replies. You lot talk a lot of sense round here don't you?!

I am finding it so hard at the moment cus it's like I really can see the problems quite clearly but am struggling to find the strength to sort it all out. Sometimes I really miss the emotional detachment that comes with taking drugs. I look at my ex with a mixture of envy that he seems to still be enjoying the party and having a great time with our friends but also with pity cus I know at some point it's all gonna come crashing down on him. I fear it may be too late for him and he will end up like his father (dying from alcoholism).

Yes, I know I'm doing it again aren't I?! Thinking about him!!!! Why oh why am I thinking about him when he really doesn't give me a second thought unless there's something to gain from it. Is it just a coincidence that he was skint when he enjoyed spending time with me in the Summer? His actions now when he has received a pay off from work would suggest not. Once he's got a bit of cash, he's got everything he needs to bury himself and his problems.

I can't help but feel I want to try and make him see the devastation he's caused in my life... automatically I want to write him a letter telling him why I don't want to see him again and how he's screwed me over financially and how he needs to pay me back. However, I think I am learning that this is probably not the best thing for me.... it keeps the lines of communication open (which I probably secretly want), he's probably just gonna hear quacking and not care and I guess it won't change his behaviour.

I sometimes wonder whether the reason I care so much is because I feel like i've failed somehow in all this. How can the man I loved be this person I actually don't like?

Anyway, thank you so much. I'm learning a lot over on this forum :-)

xxx

outtolunch

Is it really about the money?

peaceteach

Sometimes you just have to look at a past relationship for the value it gave you, not just the heartache. Look how "wise" you are now to real-life, knowing full well that staying wasted doesn't put food on the table or take you to the levels of maturity and growth you are supposed to find as you move through life. If you can smile at the past, and tell yourself "Wow. I survived that and am still here and am now on my way upward and onward" it might make saying that final good bye a little easier. Instead of wanting him to feel YOUR pain, assuming HE caused it, how about just being grateful for the lessons all that pain gave YOU. It was a gift YOU learned from, and one you no longer need to repeat.

There are wonderful men out there, Squirty. You deserve a wonderful man, one who loves you and wants the best for you. One you can count on, during the boring day-to-day parts of life as well as the exciting times. Because life isn't always a big party, as you are now learning. But it does have its extremely wonderful and meaningful and loving parts, when you find someone loving and mature and healthy to spend it with.

How do you do that? I think first you have to let go of the unhealthy people. Sadly, you can't help them. You ultimately can only help yourself, as you well know as a survivor of addiction. Try thinking of yourself as a little girl who needs taken care of, then start really focusing on that little girl and giving her what she really needs for love and happiness. Keep her from harm, from dangerous people who really are not good for her nor do they truly care for her and love her. Do that for her (you) because she really needs someone who is on her side. Get her through this tough time and onto a calmer, more serene and optimistic path. Get her good and healthy.

Usually that is when you will find, or have the potential to find, that kind of man who is also healthy. Like attracts like, and all that, you know? First take care of YOU, the way YOU deserve to be taken care of. Then maybe watch life fall into place for you, the little girl who learned some valuable lessons from the past and does not need to repeat them any more.

Glad you found us over here at F & F!

ventuhome

Welcome to the Friends and Family Forum, Squirty!!! The folks here have a lot of good things to say. One thing not touched on from your original post is that "others in your family" could be helped by your money too. Oh, NO NO NO. You need to focus on YOURSELF. Unless they are your minor children, no one else should be financially dependent on you. YOU are the one getting up in the cold rainy mornings even when you are tired to go to work. YOU are the one who studied hard to get an education. You need to put yourself first in this situation, to protect and work on your recovery.
Seems to me that it would be to your financial advantage to just cut him off. Staying away from him will protect your recovery, and therefore your earning power. Taking your focus off him means you can focus on yourself, work on your career, your health, and spend time with your family. A you in great shape will be much better able to help them out. BUT - do you know why they are in a mess? Are they responsible people who got laid off, or? If they have been irresponsible in the past, giving them your hard earned money isnt going to change them. Also if you lose your job, who's going to bail YOU out? Put as much money as you can into a savings acct.
And please come back here to share often. We are all sending best wishes your way.

squirty

Thanks once again for your posts. Peaceteach your reply was lovely. It really struck a chord. I'm trying really hard to look after myself... very hard when you're so used to putting yourself last at the bottom of the pile! I have never really experienced being on my own before. I've always had a bloke on the scene to worry about/care about/'mother'. It feels very strange to focus on myself. I know I need to. I've been thinking a lot about how best to 'protect' myself. I have a habit of calling/texting men who I know are no good for me and are going to cause me harm in some way. Well I really am trying to choose not to because that is what will protect me. I just hope it gets easier with time. I do hope Peaceteach I am rewarded with a nice man. I hope I can spot him if he comes along!

Ventuhome, thank you too for your reply. I am struggling with the issue around my family. You see it isn't their fault... they both have quite serious medical problems (have done since I was about 10) so therefore can't work. I know I find it difficult to say no and have always felt the need to protect and look after my family. I know the pressure of this has led me to drugs in the past (all of it kept very secret from my family). However, I hate to see them suffer. They suffer enough without suffering from poverty too. It makes me very uncomfortable this whole subject. My parents have so much pride they would hate me talking about this. I feel terrible saying this but I do feel a little burdened sometimes though.

Anyway, one day at a time. I just had a nice bath and I'm still clean... so there's some positive news. Plus I'm much better at my job with all this clarity!!!

xxx