AS says he's ready to come home..
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 71
AS says he's ready to come home..
Well I kicked him out on monday at 8am. Got a text last nite at 11pm saying he wants to come home...he's done...he needs us... ets etc etc
What to do? ANY ADVICE???
Do we let him come home?
What to do? ANY ADVICE???
Do we let him come home?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 159
I would not let him come home. He just tired and done this time and needs somewhere to crash, eat, and recover then he'll probably head back out again. Tell him to go to the Salvation army and get help. Your house is not a motel and until you see some effort on his part I would be stepping back and letting him handle his business. They won't learn to do for themselves if we keep rescusing them. Believe me I know how you feel, I went through this with my ex-husband for 18 yrs. and he will only change when he's ready. Not when we're ready, when he is. I know all you want to do is make it all better for him but you don't want to enable him to death. How old is your son?
Some more will be along soon I'm sure to help. Just wanted to let you know you aren't alone in your feelings of hope and uncertainty. The insanity of my h crack addiction almost had me crazy!! Being off the rollercoaster is much better for my sanity and peace. My H mother had nothing to do with him because of the lifestyle he's chose to live. And I mean she won't even talk to him and doesn't want him to have her address to write to her from jail. She has her boundaries and she doesn't let him cross them for her own sanity. That has to be hard as a mother, me and her are close so we can talk about all this crap. you are in my paryers and thought today and hope you find some real peace soon.
Some more will be along soon I'm sure to help. Just wanted to let you know you aren't alone in your feelings of hope and uncertainty. The insanity of my h crack addiction almost had me crazy!! Being off the rollercoaster is much better for my sanity and peace. My H mother had nothing to do with him because of the lifestyle he's chose to live. And I mean she won't even talk to him and doesn't want him to have her address to write to her from jail. She has her boundaries and she doesn't let him cross them for her own sanity. That has to be hard as a mother, me and her are close so we can talk about all this crap. you are in my paryers and thought today and hope you find some real peace soon.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
What are your boundaries for the way you will allow adults to act in your home? Has your son started going to meetings? Is he back in school? (He's only been out now 2 days...)
My boundaries:
I will not allow people who use drugs in my home. If I even suspect drug use I will ask you to leave. If you do not leave I will call the police and have you removed.
I will not allow my house to be a flop house for addicts or alcoholics who are tired and sleeping off a binge.
I will not allow people to stay in my house who do not contribute financially. In order to stay here you must be working and paying for rent.
My house does not have a revolving door. If you leave and don't come back when you say you are going to, if you no-show-no-call, I will change the locks immediately.
While you are looking for work, rent and household expenses can be paid by doing household projects. I will provide a schedule of projects. If they are not completed on time and without complaint, you cannot live here.
I will not feed homeless people. I can barely afford to feed myself and my son. There are food banks and other social services available to feed people with no means.
I will not give you money. I contribute to charities at church.
I value respect. I will not be disrespected in my home. If someone treats me disrespectfully I will ask them to leave. I allow them back.
I value honesty. If I suspect you are lying, you will be asked to leave.
I will not MTV in my home (this was because my ex used to lie on the couch all day and watch MTV while I was at work - he was a 35 year old who acted like a teenager.)
Attitude is the key to success. I will not allow negativity in my home or around my child.
I reserve the right to change my boundaries at any time.
You can give your son the dignity and opportunity to grow up and accept responsibility for his choices. Let him learn his lessons at 19 so he doesn't end up like my 37 year old ex = unemployable, irresponsible and freeloading off women for the rest of his life...
My boundaries:
I will not allow people who use drugs in my home. If I even suspect drug use I will ask you to leave. If you do not leave I will call the police and have you removed.
I will not allow my house to be a flop house for addicts or alcoholics who are tired and sleeping off a binge.
I will not allow people to stay in my house who do not contribute financially. In order to stay here you must be working and paying for rent.
My house does not have a revolving door. If you leave and don't come back when you say you are going to, if you no-show-no-call, I will change the locks immediately.
While you are looking for work, rent and household expenses can be paid by doing household projects. I will provide a schedule of projects. If they are not completed on time and without complaint, you cannot live here.
I will not feed homeless people. I can barely afford to feed myself and my son. There are food banks and other social services available to feed people with no means.
I will not give you money. I contribute to charities at church.
I value respect. I will not be disrespected in my home. If someone treats me disrespectfully I will ask them to leave. I allow them back.
I value honesty. If I suspect you are lying, you will be asked to leave.
I will not MTV in my home (this was because my ex used to lie on the couch all day and watch MTV while I was at work - he was a 35 year old who acted like a teenager.)
Attitude is the key to success. I will not allow negativity in my home or around my child.
I reserve the right to change my boundaries at any time.
You can give your son the dignity and opportunity to grow up and accept responsibility for his choices. Let him learn his lessons at 19 so he doesn't end up like my 37 year old ex = unemployable, irresponsible and freeloading off women for the rest of his life...
Guest
Join Date: May 2007
Posts: 2,968
Someone in my reading life once said they told their addict that
there wasn't 12 steps to their doorstep. This stuck with me
whenever my son was looking for sanctuary as it meant that
only he could find that doorstep without me just as I had to
find my way in recovery.
The other was "stop" getting in the way of HP's plan to help and
learn to step back and let it happen as it happens.
I know it is difficult, be patient with yourself and it will happen as
it should not as we want it to.
lauren
there wasn't 12 steps to their doorstep. This stuck with me
whenever my son was looking for sanctuary as it meant that
only he could find that doorstep without me just as I had to
find my way in recovery.
The other was "stop" getting in the way of HP's plan to help and
learn to step back and let it happen as it happens.
I know it is difficult, be patient with yourself and it will happen as
it should not as we want it to.
lauren
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Home
Posts: 178
i read something here awhile back that helped me quite a bit with my son. It was something to the effect that we are not the only, or best option for them. It is not living with Mommy and Daddy or under a bridge. It doesnt have to be that way, they try to make us feel guilty, but they do have other options.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
As a recovering addict, I highly suspect he has hit his bottom in 3 days...he's just realized that the reality of addiction without mom and dad to soften the blow isn't pretty. You've given him several chances but he didn't want them. Now that you've said "okay - get out and do your thing", suddenly it's a whole other story. I guess I should change my first sentence..he MAY have hit bottom, but he just sounds like too many A's I know that want to come home, sleep, eat, then head out again.
I, personally, would want to see ACTION that he's done..has he gone to meetings? Checked out Salvation Army?
If you do let him come home, Kitty has a good list of boundaries but they require sitcking to them.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I, personally, would want to see ACTION that he's done..has he gone to meetings? Checked out Salvation Army?
If you do let him come home, Kitty has a good list of boundaries but they require sitcking to them.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Been there/done this.
After years of therapy and meds and three out of pocket, out of state, rehab experiences, I let my daughter detox at home. I gave her a throw up pail.
She cleaned her self up, went back to school, got a job and was living clean.
She did not have independent access to our house or a car and respected this. She relapsed somewhere along the line and left on her own.
Somehow, someway, she managed to clean herself up once again, using the tools she learned in prior rehab/therapy. She lives with her BF, at his parents home. Better there than here.
She is working, saving money towards a car we agreed to sell her, once she has accummulated enough to buy it. She looks terrific and is in a better frame of mind than she has been in the past 6 years. She avoids people who drink and/or are into drugs. Just for today, she is in a very good place and she did it on her own, for herself.
After years of therapy and meds and three out of pocket, out of state, rehab experiences, I let my daughter detox at home. I gave her a throw up pail.
She cleaned her self up, went back to school, got a job and was living clean.
She did not have independent access to our house or a car and respected this. She relapsed somewhere along the line and left on her own.
Somehow, someway, she managed to clean herself up once again, using the tools she learned in prior rehab/therapy. She lives with her BF, at his parents home. Better there than here.
She is working, saving money towards a car we agreed to sell her, once she has accummulated enough to buy it. She looks terrific and is in a better frame of mind than she has been in the past 6 years. She avoids people who drink and/or are into drugs. Just for today, she is in a very good place and she did it on her own, for herself.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Home of the Ravens-MD
Posts: 1,316
I agree with all of the others. First know that I have been there and done that too many times to count. I heard those same exact words "I'm done"
IMO, ACTIONS speak louder than words. Period.
If you do decide to let him come back, then I'd definitely look/use a list like hello-kitty suggested.
Hugs,
Chris
IMO, ACTIONS speak louder than words. Period.
If you do decide to let him come back, then I'd definitely look/use a list like hello-kitty suggested.
Hugs,
Chris
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
Nope he I M H O he hasn't hit 'his bottom' just doesn't like it 'out there.'
Give him the address and phone number of The Salvation Army. You can tell him that his ACTIONS not his words will show you, but I doubt if he will hear it yet.
Hello Kitty has some excellent boundaries for AFTER he has been in recovery a while, and if then he wants to return home.
I told you my story, my folks went total NO CONTACT. It wasn't until I was sober for a bit and left a message on their machine of where I was and what I was doing and who they could call (the House Mother and My Sponsor) to verify, that they actually started even talking to me again. As I said before, my only regret was that they waited so long to do it.
You will do what you will do, but I hope you listen to the experience being given you here. We don't say these things to be mean, we say them because we know.
I personally do not believe he is 'ready.'
J M H O
Love and hugs,
Give him the address and phone number of The Salvation Army. You can tell him that his ACTIONS not his words will show you, but I doubt if he will hear it yet.
Hello Kitty has some excellent boundaries for AFTER he has been in recovery a while, and if then he wants to return home.
I told you my story, my folks went total NO CONTACT. It wasn't until I was sober for a bit and left a message on their machine of where I was and what I was doing and who they could call (the House Mother and My Sponsor) to verify, that they actually started even talking to me again. As I said before, my only regret was that they waited so long to do it.
You will do what you will do, but I hope you listen to the experience being given you here. We don't say these things to be mean, we say them because we know.
I personally do not believe he is 'ready.'
J M H O
Love and hugs,
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 71
Well..I assume since he sent the text last nite at 11pm ...probably feeling sorry for himself at that point ...and I never replied ; that I wont hear from him again...
I assume he went on another bender...????
Not really ready to deal with him yet...kinda enjoying the much needed feeling of calm for awhile.
I know he WANTS to come home..(why wouldn't he?)
But I know nothing has changed in these few short days....
Only time will tell....
I assume he went on another bender...????
Not really ready to deal with him yet...kinda enjoying the much needed feeling of calm for awhile.
I know he WANTS to come home..(why wouldn't he?)
But I know nothing has changed in these few short days....
Only time will tell....
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Bear in mind that allowing your son to return home is a joint decision between you and your husband. I agree with Laurie and Hello-Kitty. Once you do let your son home, a similar list of boundaries that you create and perhaps he should sign like a contract will be necessary. Actions....not words.
My addict stepson recently got out of prison recently and wanted either his sister or us to take him in. We all said no. A stepson finally found someplace that would take him, called his father for a ride because it was too far to walk (less than 2 miles). My husband said that he had an appointment that morning but would be in his office at noon. If he would stop by then, my husband would call him a cab or give him a bus pass. He never showed, and we haven't heard from his since. His actions indicate that he has not reached his own bottom yet.
If your son REALLY wants recovery, nothing will stop him from getting it.....nothing. I must say that perhaps offering him the address of the nearest Salvation Army is a good thing. He can show you by his actions how serious he is about recovery.
Huge hugs to you and your husband. HG
My addict stepson recently got out of prison recently and wanted either his sister or us to take him in. We all said no. A stepson finally found someplace that would take him, called his father for a ride because it was too far to walk (less than 2 miles). My husband said that he had an appointment that morning but would be in his office at noon. If he would stop by then, my husband would call him a cab or give him a bus pass. He never showed, and we haven't heard from his since. His actions indicate that he has not reached his own bottom yet.
If your son REALLY wants recovery, nothing will stop him from getting it.....nothing. I must say that perhaps offering him the address of the nearest Salvation Army is a good thing. He can show you by his actions how serious he is about recovery.
Huge hugs to you and your husband. HG
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
Worrier - You've been thru the mill with this kid already. You know he's not ready to come home -- nowhere close. Allow yourself some peace and get to a meeting or some other kind of support group. Stay close to SR -- these folks have taught me so much.
Hello Kitty - I loved your list of boundaries. I've bookmarked them. Just awesome.
Hello Kitty - I loved your list of boundaries. I've bookmarked them. Just awesome.
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