New, need support.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: AZ
Posts: 19
New, need support.
Whoops - I posted this in the wrong forum earlier. Didn't realize until I was reading the responses.
New...need help.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hi..I'm new and don't know where to start. My SO (significant other) of almost 13 years has an addiction to painkillers. It started out with legitimate abdominal pain and led to where we are now. Before the addiction, our relationship was in trouble. I believe part of, if not all, of this particular addiction is due to an underlying, undiagnosed, untreated mood disorder. Our R has been up & down, in & out, off & on all 13 years. We also have 3 little girls, 11, 7, and 5. He has tried to fill the hole in his psyche with different addictions - women, drink, job, now the drugs.
Last October (2008) he walked out of our house, went to a doctor that prescribed him suboxone and told me he was never coming back. Which turns out to be the only truthful statement he's ever made. That night he moved in with another woman.
Fast forward one year - October 2009. Over the summer we started seeing each other again. He seemed different, was always making his suboxone appointments, claimed he was clean and wanted to start our lives over the "right" way as a family. I was doubtful, nervous about jumping back into things with him so quickly. Long story short, my landlord sold the house I was in and I couldn't find another rental - all this 2 weeks before the 1st day of school. So, I felt forced into moving back into the house "we" own, with him. On top of that, he's lost his license, lost the car insurance, had to turn the plates in because of that - so we have no vehicles on the road. I've had to go to welfare to get food assistance and heat assistance - the only things I qualify for.
At the beginning of October 2009, I was doing laundry and some little baggies with a white powder residue in them fell out of his shorts. Along with a rolled up business card. I'm not stupid. Apparently, he had progressed from swallowing pills to snorting something. On a gut feeling, I started searching the house. In the bathroom I found a needle and a strap. Again, I'm pretty naive about drugs, but, a frigging NEEDLE!!
I confronted him, told him he had to get out of the house. He begged for two days to do something about his problem. The next day (a Monday) he called me into the living room while he made a call. He told the doctor his problem had worsened and he needed to do the next thing. We went down there on Tuesday and the doctor made some calls and got him accepted in a rehab facility. The rehabs policy is to send them to the hospital detox center until they are thru the withdrawal process, then they come back to the rehab center for the program. The shortest being 14 days. OK. I felt better - he voluntarily chose to do this.
About 3 days in, while at the hospital detox center, I get a call. It's him. Come get me, I'm done here, I'm not going back in. All sorts of crap out of his mouth about how he has to work; the kids & have no money, the furnace isn't working, etc, etc. I told him no. I was not going to pick him up. He said if I didn't pick him up - he would just call someone else to come get him. So, I told him, OK - I would get him. (Where he was at is about an hour from our house.) I hang up the phone with him, call the nurses station to find out what's going on and they told me he had checked himself out against medical advice, they had tlaked withhim extensively, but, couldn't pursuade him to stay, so they escorted him from the building. I get off the phone with her, and the phone immediately rings. It's his boss. His job is as a radio DJ. In our area he is a Big Fish in a Small Pond. He is like Elvis around here. We can't go anywhere without people knowing him, asking for autographs, etc. ANyway, I didn't know why his boss was calling. This is a woman who we've known for 10 years - she's a friend, as well as a boss. She asks me "What's going on?" Not knowing what she knew, I was cautious in my answers until she says, "His doctor just called me and told me he checked himself out." Phew, she knew. So, I went into detail with her about what was going on and she checked with the legal department and it was determined that he would not be able to return to work until he had succesfully completed the rehab program. We decided that it would be best for her to go get him and have a talk with him instead of me. She went, talked him into going back to the hospital to complete the detox. 2 hours later, another call from him comes saying he's been released and now he needs to come take a shower before going to the rehab center. Again, his boss intervenes, goes to get him while I bring a suitcase to the rehab center for him.
While in there, he called and as the days went on he was sounding better & better. Talking about the 12 steps, and what he had to do, and sounding so GOOD. He was supposed to be released on a Friday but he asked to stay an extra day (until Saturday) so that I could come on Family Day. All of this started on the 6th of October. The 20th of October, I get a call from the head nurse at the center who said I need to come pick him up he has been medically discharged. I questioned her; asked for his counselor - who ended up being off. I picked him up and we went to the doctors office (the one who got him into the center). When we got there, the doctor was jumping all over him - took blood & urine to test for drugs - I had no idea what the hell was going on. SO had been taken to the hospital on both Sunday night and Monday night for abdominal pain. So,, now I'm thinking he was med seeking and that's why they "medically discharged" him before the actual completion of the program. Now, he DOES have legitamate medical problems. He just doesn't know exactly what they are because he's been choosing the pills over a GI specialist. So, of course - now that he has no pain killers in his system to mask the problem -the problem is making itself known.
The doctor calls a GI specialist and gets him an appointment for the next. He goes, the specialist says "Can't tell anythign without a colonoscopy." Duh. We knew this. Colonoscopy scheduled for November 11. Weeks from now.
So now, I've been confused by his release, confused by the doctors behavior and am now totally skeptical and pessimistic about ALL of this and SO's behavior. I catch him on his cell phone on a call that from this end sounded like a drug deal. I ask to see his phone, he deletes the calls & texts before giving it to me, adding to my suspicion.
The final blow comes Monday. I catch him sneaking pills upstairs into the bathroom. I lost it. I told him to get out. Horrible, horrible 2 hour argument ensues. I try calling his counselor - can't get him. Insist that he get out of the house with his things or I'm calling the police and his boss. Finally, he leaves. After he leaves I call the rehab center again - begging to either get a message to his counselor or to speak with someone else. They put me through the head nurse - the one who called me to pick him up. I explain to her that he said he wasn't using them - only 'selling' them. (I don't believe any of his BS. My gut tells me he WAS taking them.) Her answer - go buy a **** test. I get off the phone with her and am a devastated wreck. I have no idea what to do, who to talk to. No money, no car. He took the only vehicle that was here - one that's not even ours, someone is letting us use it. And 3 little kids that will be home from school soon.
About 8 pm I get a text from him saying he's "coming home". Then a call saying he'd been at a hospital all day. Sure enough, he comes back. Little band on his wrist - waving papers around my face blaming me for messing everything up. Then the killer statement: "I only did this to go thru detox so that the pills would work again." Then, while waving the papers around, claims to have cancer.
Later on, I looked at the papers. They said "Mesenteric Lymphadenitis" and Dilaudin.
Anyway - I know I've written a book. But, I had to get this all out. I have no one I can talk to about this. Everyone has either written him off, or me (for moving back with him) or simply don't want to get involved. The two people I have told tell me to get rid of him or move out. Easier said then done. Again, I find myself in a position where I am totally reliant on him for money, have no vehicle, and our kids.
I feel like I'm standing at the edge of my own personal Grand Canyon. Trying to decide whether to jump off or not. But the kicker is, if he were to come anywhere near me while I'm standing there, I'd push him to save myself.
I know that I have to do what's best for myself and my children. Do everything I can to protect them and myself. I know that I can't save him - only he can do that. But I cannot sit here and be a part of it. The kids & I have been thru hell. I've made decisions that come to find out were based on lies and misinformation given to me by him. I am responsible for my own choices, but he's such a scamming ******** artist - even being hypervigilant about his lies to me, I still find myself being misled. I can't take it anymore. I can't get to any AlAnon meetings - I have no car and no one to watch my kids. I have no money for a gallon of milk let alone gas money if I had a car to put the gas in. I had medicaid, but since I moved I have to reapply in this new county - something I haven't been able to do because of the whole no car/no gas thing. So I can't even get mental health counseling for myself.
I'm so drained. Mentally, physically. I'm afraid when push comes to shove, if it comes down to a him or me scenario, I will do everything I can to survive. I sat here yesterday totally catatonic. To the point where I put the girls to bed at 7 PM because I was afraid of losing it in front of them or towards them. Where was he? Oh, at 2:30 in the afternoon he says "I'm gonna go hit a meeting." He didn't get home until after 8 pm.
I'm a mess.
New...need help.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hi..I'm new and don't know where to start. My SO (significant other) of almost 13 years has an addiction to painkillers. It started out with legitimate abdominal pain and led to where we are now. Before the addiction, our relationship was in trouble. I believe part of, if not all, of this particular addiction is due to an underlying, undiagnosed, untreated mood disorder. Our R has been up & down, in & out, off & on all 13 years. We also have 3 little girls, 11, 7, and 5. He has tried to fill the hole in his psyche with different addictions - women, drink, job, now the drugs.
Last October (2008) he walked out of our house, went to a doctor that prescribed him suboxone and told me he was never coming back. Which turns out to be the only truthful statement he's ever made. That night he moved in with another woman.
Fast forward one year - October 2009. Over the summer we started seeing each other again. He seemed different, was always making his suboxone appointments, claimed he was clean and wanted to start our lives over the "right" way as a family. I was doubtful, nervous about jumping back into things with him so quickly. Long story short, my landlord sold the house I was in and I couldn't find another rental - all this 2 weeks before the 1st day of school. So, I felt forced into moving back into the house "we" own, with him. On top of that, he's lost his license, lost the car insurance, had to turn the plates in because of that - so we have no vehicles on the road. I've had to go to welfare to get food assistance and heat assistance - the only things I qualify for.
At the beginning of October 2009, I was doing laundry and some little baggies with a white powder residue in them fell out of his shorts. Along with a rolled up business card. I'm not stupid. Apparently, he had progressed from swallowing pills to snorting something. On a gut feeling, I started searching the house. In the bathroom I found a needle and a strap. Again, I'm pretty naive about drugs, but, a frigging NEEDLE!!
I confronted him, told him he had to get out of the house. He begged for two days to do something about his problem. The next day (a Monday) he called me into the living room while he made a call. He told the doctor his problem had worsened and he needed to do the next thing. We went down there on Tuesday and the doctor made some calls and got him accepted in a rehab facility. The rehabs policy is to send them to the hospital detox center until they are thru the withdrawal process, then they come back to the rehab center for the program. The shortest being 14 days. OK. I felt better - he voluntarily chose to do this.
About 3 days in, while at the hospital detox center, I get a call. It's him. Come get me, I'm done here, I'm not going back in. All sorts of crap out of his mouth about how he has to work; the kids & have no money, the furnace isn't working, etc, etc. I told him no. I was not going to pick him up. He said if I didn't pick him up - he would just call someone else to come get him. So, I told him, OK - I would get him. (Where he was at is about an hour from our house.) I hang up the phone with him, call the nurses station to find out what's going on and they told me he had checked himself out against medical advice, they had tlaked withhim extensively, but, couldn't pursuade him to stay, so they escorted him from the building. I get off the phone with her, and the phone immediately rings. It's his boss. His job is as a radio DJ. In our area he is a Big Fish in a Small Pond. He is like Elvis around here. We can't go anywhere without people knowing him, asking for autographs, etc. ANyway, I didn't know why his boss was calling. This is a woman who we've known for 10 years - she's a friend, as well as a boss. She asks me "What's going on?" Not knowing what she knew, I was cautious in my answers until she says, "His doctor just called me and told me he checked himself out." Phew, she knew. So, I went into detail with her about what was going on and she checked with the legal department and it was determined that he would not be able to return to work until he had succesfully completed the rehab program. We decided that it would be best for her to go get him and have a talk with him instead of me. She went, talked him into going back to the hospital to complete the detox. 2 hours later, another call from him comes saying he's been released and now he needs to come take a shower before going to the rehab center. Again, his boss intervenes, goes to get him while I bring a suitcase to the rehab center for him.
While in there, he called and as the days went on he was sounding better & better. Talking about the 12 steps, and what he had to do, and sounding so GOOD. He was supposed to be released on a Friday but he asked to stay an extra day (until Saturday) so that I could come on Family Day. All of this started on the 6th of October. The 20th of October, I get a call from the head nurse at the center who said I need to come pick him up he has been medically discharged. I questioned her; asked for his counselor - who ended up being off. I picked him up and we went to the doctors office (the one who got him into the center). When we got there, the doctor was jumping all over him - took blood & urine to test for drugs - I had no idea what the hell was going on. SO had been taken to the hospital on both Sunday night and Monday night for abdominal pain. So,, now I'm thinking he was med seeking and that's why they "medically discharged" him before the actual completion of the program. Now, he DOES have legitamate medical problems. He just doesn't know exactly what they are because he's been choosing the pills over a GI specialist. So, of course - now that he has no pain killers in his system to mask the problem -the problem is making itself known.
The doctor calls a GI specialist and gets him an appointment for the next. He goes, the specialist says "Can't tell anythign without a colonoscopy." Duh. We knew this. Colonoscopy scheduled for November 11. Weeks from now.
So now, I've been confused by his release, confused by the doctors behavior and am now totally skeptical and pessimistic about ALL of this and SO's behavior. I catch him on his cell phone on a call that from this end sounded like a drug deal. I ask to see his phone, he deletes the calls & texts before giving it to me, adding to my suspicion.
The final blow comes Monday. I catch him sneaking pills upstairs into the bathroom. I lost it. I told him to get out. Horrible, horrible 2 hour argument ensues. I try calling his counselor - can't get him. Insist that he get out of the house with his things or I'm calling the police and his boss. Finally, he leaves. After he leaves I call the rehab center again - begging to either get a message to his counselor or to speak with someone else. They put me through the head nurse - the one who called me to pick him up. I explain to her that he said he wasn't using them - only 'selling' them. (I don't believe any of his BS. My gut tells me he WAS taking them.) Her answer - go buy a **** test. I get off the phone with her and am a devastated wreck. I have no idea what to do, who to talk to. No money, no car. He took the only vehicle that was here - one that's not even ours, someone is letting us use it. And 3 little kids that will be home from school soon.
About 8 pm I get a text from him saying he's "coming home". Then a call saying he'd been at a hospital all day. Sure enough, he comes back. Little band on his wrist - waving papers around my face blaming me for messing everything up. Then the killer statement: "I only did this to go thru detox so that the pills would work again." Then, while waving the papers around, claims to have cancer.
Later on, I looked at the papers. They said "Mesenteric Lymphadenitis" and Dilaudin.
Anyway - I know I've written a book. But, I had to get this all out. I have no one I can talk to about this. Everyone has either written him off, or me (for moving back with him) or simply don't want to get involved. The two people I have told tell me to get rid of him or move out. Easier said then done. Again, I find myself in a position where I am totally reliant on him for money, have no vehicle, and our kids.
I feel like I'm standing at the edge of my own personal Grand Canyon. Trying to decide whether to jump off or not. But the kicker is, if he were to come anywhere near me while I'm standing there, I'd push him to save myself.
I know that I have to do what's best for myself and my children. Do everything I can to protect them and myself. I know that I can't save him - only he can do that. But I cannot sit here and be a part of it. The kids & I have been thru hell. I've made decisions that come to find out were based on lies and misinformation given to me by him. I am responsible for my own choices, but he's such a scamming ******** artist - even being hypervigilant about his lies to me, I still find myself being misled. I can't take it anymore. I can't get to any AlAnon meetings - I have no car and no one to watch my kids. I have no money for a gallon of milk let alone gas money if I had a car to put the gas in. I had medicaid, but since I moved I have to reapply in this new county - something I haven't been able to do because of the whole no car/no gas thing. So I can't even get mental health counseling for myself.
I'm so drained. Mentally, physically. I'm afraid when push comes to shove, if it comes down to a him or me scenario, I will do everything I can to survive. I sat here yesterday totally catatonic. To the point where I put the girls to bed at 7 PM because I was afraid of losing it in front of them or towards them. Where was he? Oh, at 2:30 in the afternoon he says "I'm gonna go hit a meeting." He didn't get home until after 8 pm.
I'm a mess.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: AZ
Posts: 19
and this was what I was answering when I realized I was in the wrong forum
Thank you all. It helps to know there's people out there to somehow share & support one another.
The welfare and mental well being of the kids & I are most important to me at this moment in time.
Right now I have no idea what the truth is. I'm so tired of living this life of lies, misery, and being destitute. I can't stand to look at him; can't stand to hear his voice. I'm full of so much anger and resentment - and I have no idea how to get rid of it. At least no way that is productive.
I have no idea how to start getting myself healthy. Mentally, that is. He demands I be loving & supportive. Yes, demands. Tells me that I'm the problem. And I may very well be - at least the way that I am right now - I'm no good to anyone.
I'm sorry if I don't know how to be loving and supportive towards someone who constantly, pathologically lies to me. I'm sorry that I don't believe he isn't still using drugs. I'm sorry that I don't believe that he has cancer.
How I can possibly be loving & supportive of someone who refuses to prove to me that he is not lying? I've been down that road before - trying to believe without proof, and look at where it's got me. I want proof - he says too bad.
It's an impasse. And if he wants to continue down his path of drugs and addiction, that's HIS choice, not mine. But he makes me feel like I'm the one doing something wrong by not believing him. He makes me feel like all this chaos and upset is because I'm too distrustful.
I feeled trapped and backed into a corner. So, I come out fighting. I don't know HOW to live with him. My personal light at the tunnel is for him to be gone. Right now, the way that he is - I want him out of our lives. I don't want to live with him, I don't want a future with him, I don't want to deal with his problems anymore. But he won't leave.
So I don't know what to do. I don't know how to get out of here when I have no where to go and no money or car to do it with - and three kids. And then, I begin to second guess myself. And I hate that more than anything else. Second guessing myself. I guess it's because there's a little part of me that wants to believe in him. There's a little part of me that says what if he really is telling the truth and everything I've seen is just circumstantial? Will I be blowing an actual chance at recovery by being the way that I am???
I don't know how to organize my thoughts. I don't know how to start making definitive decisions and steps when everything seems to be stacked against me. Do I want a job? Yes. I have no vehicle. How do I get a vehicle when I have no money? It's big damned circle. And I'm so dizzy I can't see straight.
Thank you all. It helps to know there's people out there to somehow share & support one another.
The welfare and mental well being of the kids & I are most important to me at this moment in time.
Right now I have no idea what the truth is. I'm so tired of living this life of lies, misery, and being destitute. I can't stand to look at him; can't stand to hear his voice. I'm full of so much anger and resentment - and I have no idea how to get rid of it. At least no way that is productive.
I have no idea how to start getting myself healthy. Mentally, that is. He demands I be loving & supportive. Yes, demands. Tells me that I'm the problem. And I may very well be - at least the way that I am right now - I'm no good to anyone.
I'm sorry if I don't know how to be loving and supportive towards someone who constantly, pathologically lies to me. I'm sorry that I don't believe he isn't still using drugs. I'm sorry that I don't believe that he has cancer.
How I can possibly be loving & supportive of someone who refuses to prove to me that he is not lying? I've been down that road before - trying to believe without proof, and look at where it's got me. I want proof - he says too bad.
It's an impasse. And if he wants to continue down his path of drugs and addiction, that's HIS choice, not mine. But he makes me feel like I'm the one doing something wrong by not believing him. He makes me feel like all this chaos and upset is because I'm too distrustful.
I feeled trapped and backed into a corner. So, I come out fighting. I don't know HOW to live with him. My personal light at the tunnel is for him to be gone. Right now, the way that he is - I want him out of our lives. I don't want to live with him, I don't want a future with him, I don't want to deal with his problems anymore. But he won't leave.
So I don't know what to do. I don't know how to get out of here when I have no where to go and no money or car to do it with - and three kids. And then, I begin to second guess myself. And I hate that more than anything else. Second guessing myself. I guess it's because there's a little part of me that wants to believe in him. There's a little part of me that says what if he really is telling the truth and everything I've seen is just circumstantial? Will I be blowing an actual chance at recovery by being the way that I am???
I don't know how to organize my thoughts. I don't know how to start making definitive decisions and steps when everything seems to be stacked against me. Do I want a job? Yes. I have no vehicle. How do I get a vehicle when I have no money? It's big damned circle. And I'm so dizzy I can't see straight.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Reality......
Posts: 735
99.99% an addict says to you is a lie. That came from my RABF! The second guessing is what i would call "normal" under the circumstances.
Welcome to the forums! Sorry its under these circumstances....
There are so many of us that have been through similar things that are happening in your life right now. My RABF was addicted to pills also. So I understand how you are feeling.
I guess the first thing that I would do is open up the phone book and start calling around to churches, county agencies that can help you today. I would also say to think about that in terms of what you should do. Stop thinking of everything else and just focus on getting your primary needs met TODAY.
You are right there is nothing you can do for your addict. Nothing. But you can hang around here and find the strength and support from us who have been in your shoes. Learn alot, apply it, get healthy.
Keep reading and posting. You have already made a healthy decision to get better for you.
Welcome to the forums! Sorry its under these circumstances....
There are so many of us that have been through similar things that are happening in your life right now. My RABF was addicted to pills also. So I understand how you are feeling.
I guess the first thing that I would do is open up the phone book and start calling around to churches, county agencies that can help you today. I would also say to think about that in terms of what you should do. Stop thinking of everything else and just focus on getting your primary needs met TODAY.
You are right there is nothing you can do for your addict. Nothing. But you can hang around here and find the strength and support from us who have been in your shoes. Learn alot, apply it, get healthy.
Keep reading and posting. You have already made a healthy decision to get better for you.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
Yes, Jaded One, what Cassandra says is true. One of the most difficult lessons for me has been to trust my gut. Trust my gut, it's rarely wrong. They make our heads spin, and then we question ourselves.
Let me just say, if you truly want to do what's best for your children, you know what the answers are concerning their dad. And they will see a strength in you. Role model for them what you would want one of them to do in the same situation.
If one day he becomes really clean and sober, you can cross that bridge when you get there. You already know that you guys are not there at this moment.
Best to you, keep stopping back here
Let me just say, if you truly want to do what's best for your children, you know what the answers are concerning their dad. And they will see a strength in you. Role model for them what you would want one of them to do in the same situation.
If one day he becomes really clean and sober, you can cross that bridge when you get there. You already know that you guys are not there at this moment.
Best to you, keep stopping back here
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Home of the Ravens-MD
Posts: 1,316
[QUOTE
I guess the first thing that I would do is open up the phone book and start calling around to churches, county agencies that can help you today. I would also say to think about that in terms of what you should do. Stop thinking of everything else and just focus on getting your primary needs met TODAY.
You are right there is nothing you can do for your addict. Nothing. But you can hang around here and find the strength and support from us who have been in your shoes. Learn alot, apply it, get healthy.
QUOTE]
I completely agree with cassandra2....on both points....first and foremost find out what help is out there for you & your kids for today.
Second, keep posting here, reading, learning and leaning on us for support.
Hugs,
Chris
I guess the first thing that I would do is open up the phone book and start calling around to churches, county agencies that can help you today. I would also say to think about that in terms of what you should do. Stop thinking of everything else and just focus on getting your primary needs met TODAY.
You are right there is nothing you can do for your addict. Nothing. But you can hang around here and find the strength and support from us who have been in your shoes. Learn alot, apply it, get healthy.
QUOTE]
I completely agree with cassandra2....on both points....first and foremost find out what help is out there for you & your kids for today.
Second, keep posting here, reading, learning and leaning on us for support.
Hugs,
Chris
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
hi, welcome. sorry about your troubles but i'm so glad you are reaching out. your story sounds a lot like mine only my ah's drug of choice was diff. married/on and off for 23yrs. i finally had to separate myself before i could regain some peace/sanity. none of this is your fault. whether he recovers or not has nothing to do with what you do or don't do. addicts blame everyone and everything but themselves for the bad choices they make for their lives.
when i first came here, i was literally a basket case, no money, disabled and couldn't work, 7kids,no food, being evicted, all utilities being shut off and no where to go. sr was my only support for a long long time. there is a lot of support here, so please keep reading and posting as much as you need to or just want to, hopefully in time, you will be able to get to a meeting.
i agree, maybe check with churches in your area or maybe whatever other public services you can check into. sometimes women's shelter can help in finding other resources that may be able to help.
maybe you could take some time to breathe, then start to focus on a plan that will get you to where you want to be in the near future and work toward that goal. if possible, began to set aside any money you do get into a separate account somewhere that only you have access to.
if you can, maybe you can try to separate your ah from the addiction. they say hate the addiction and not the addict. he's sick and in there somewhere but it is up to him to find his way out. maybe you can try to began to detach emotionally until you decide whether or not you can/want to do it physically.
one step at a time, one dau at a time, it does get better, i promise. keep the focus on you and what you can do to make it better for you and the kids. you are in my prayers.
when i first came here, i was literally a basket case, no money, disabled and couldn't work, 7kids,no food, being evicted, all utilities being shut off and no where to go. sr was my only support for a long long time. there is a lot of support here, so please keep reading and posting as much as you need to or just want to, hopefully in time, you will be able to get to a meeting.
i agree, maybe check with churches in your area or maybe whatever other public services you can check into. sometimes women's shelter can help in finding other resources that may be able to help.
maybe you could take some time to breathe, then start to focus on a plan that will get you to where you want to be in the near future and work toward that goal. if possible, began to set aside any money you do get into a separate account somewhere that only you have access to.
if you can, maybe you can try to separate your ah from the addiction. they say hate the addiction and not the addict. he's sick and in there somewhere but it is up to him to find his way out. maybe you can try to began to detach emotionally until you decide whether or not you can/want to do it physically.
one step at a time, one dau at a time, it does get better, i promise. keep the focus on you and what you can do to make it better for you and the kids. you are in my prayers.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Ohio
Posts: 267
I'm sorry if I don't know how to be loving and supportive towards someone who constantly, pathologically lies to me. I'm sorry that I don't believe he isn't still using drugs. I'm sorry that I don't believe that he has cancer.
How I can possibly be loving & supportive of someone who refuses to prove to me that he is not lying? I've been down that road before - trying to believe without proof, and look at where it's got me. I want proof - he says too bad.
It's an impasse. And if he wants to continue down his path of drugs and addiction, that's HIS choice, not mine. But he makes me feel like I'm the one doing something wrong by not believing him. He makes me feel like all this chaos and upset is because I'm too distrustful.
Other than your situation seems more progressed than mine and a few minor differences you sound just like me. Especially the part about not knowing how to act like everything is fine between us when there is this huge elephant in the room. Just today I have been asking myself if my not trusting him is the real problem. Like I said your situation is farther along than mine so I havent found the proof you have but I do have proof that any other day I know I am right... today I am beating myself up with the 'what if's'... what if he is telling me the truth??? Am >>> I <<< ruining our marriage????
How I can possibly be loving & supportive of someone who refuses to prove to me that he is not lying? I've been down that road before - trying to believe without proof, and look at where it's got me. I want proof - he says too bad.
It's an impasse. And if he wants to continue down his path of drugs and addiction, that's HIS choice, not mine. But he makes me feel like I'm the one doing something wrong by not believing him. He makes me feel like all this chaos and upset is because I'm too distrustful.
Other than your situation seems more progressed than mine and a few minor differences you sound just like me. Especially the part about not knowing how to act like everything is fine between us when there is this huge elephant in the room. Just today I have been asking myself if my not trusting him is the real problem. Like I said your situation is farther along than mine so I havent found the proof you have but I do have proof that any other day I know I am right... today I am beating myself up with the 'what if's'... what if he is telling me the truth??? Am >>> I <<< ruining our marriage????
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: lancaster, PA
Posts: 852
Originally Posted by JadedOne2009 
I feel like I'm standing at the edge of my own personal Grand Canyon. Trying to decide whether to jump off or not. But the kicker is, if he were to come anywhere near me while I'm standing there, I'd push him to save myself. .
Actually, through all of your despair, this hit me like a ton of bricks...
You are a lot stronger, (and more self reliant/insightful) than you are giving yourself credit for.
Keep posting for support, and try to find little avenues of help for you and your children, because this quote of yours is the wisest thing you could say; anotherwords, push him out and save yourself.
I know that addiction is addiction, but needles scare the crap out of me. There are a few women here on this forum, who have been impacted by the hands of an addict, and their choices useing needles. One in fact, had her ex die from HIV/AIDS.
If anything, allow the fear that he could potentially contract a deadly disease, and pass it on to you, be a motive to 'protect' yourself.
Please keep writing, you will get all the love, wisdom, and support that you need right now.
Love,
Cess
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Trust your gut.
According to Mayo Clinic, mesenteric lymphadenitis means a lymph node in a membrane that attaches your intestine to your abdominal wall (mesentery) and become inflamed — usually as a result of an intestinal infection.
"Mesenteric lymphadenitis occurs mainly in children and teens and often mimics the signs and symptoms of appendicitis. Unlike appendicitis, however, mesenteric lymphadenitis is seldom serious and clears on its own in a few days or weeks. "
Most opiate/opioid addicts eventually have stomach aches, most commonly caused by serious constipation, a side effect of addiction.
By "Dilaudin", I am speculating that this may be "Dilaudid" a potent analgesic drug of the opioid class. It's rather common for people with an opiate/opioid addiction to hit the ER to achieve their goal of scoring their DOC.
Sounds to me like this is business as usual.
Only you can decide if you want to believe his words or his actions.
Are there any Alanon meetings in your area? Many who have walked miles in your shoes found meetings to be a life saver.
According to Mayo Clinic, mesenteric lymphadenitis means a lymph node in a membrane that attaches your intestine to your abdominal wall (mesentery) and become inflamed — usually as a result of an intestinal infection.
"Mesenteric lymphadenitis occurs mainly in children and teens and often mimics the signs and symptoms of appendicitis. Unlike appendicitis, however, mesenteric lymphadenitis is seldom serious and clears on its own in a few days or weeks. "
Most opiate/opioid addicts eventually have stomach aches, most commonly caused by serious constipation, a side effect of addiction.
By "Dilaudin", I am speculating that this may be "Dilaudid" a potent analgesic drug of the opioid class. It's rather common for people with an opiate/opioid addiction to hit the ER to achieve their goal of scoring their DOC.
Sounds to me like this is business as usual.
Only you can decide if you want to believe his words or his actions.
Are there any Alanon meetings in your area? Many who have walked miles in your shoes found meetings to be a life saver.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: AZ
Posts: 19
Thank you all. Very much. I only have a moment to sign on & post this, but I am reading. And thinking. And trying to pull myself up by my bootstraps. I don't usually wallow in self pity, but sometimes, I get so overwhelmed by everything.
I am so glad that I found this place. I will answer better later on this evening when I have a bit more time alone.
But, again - thank you all. While I'm sorry we are all here, it really seems like a safe haven full of good people and sound advice to follow.
I am so glad that I found this place. I will answer better later on this evening when I have a bit more time alone.
But, again - thank you all. While I'm sorry we are all here, it really seems like a safe haven full of good people and sound advice to follow.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: AZ
Posts: 19
Good Morning!
Again, thanks everyone for your responses. Finally - an outlet where "I" can come. I'm feeling better today. The last two days have been incredibly difficult for me. I don't think I cried or even allowed myself to feel when he went to the rehab center - I was operating more in survival mode and I think everything finally hit me like a ton of bricks. Complicated with all the controversy surrounding his release; the catching of him bringing drugs in again, etc. It all finally caught up to my brain and my brain simply shut down for a little while until it was ready to deal again.
Once upon a time, long before I realized there was a drug problem, I was searching for an answer for what was wrong with him (and us). Mid-life crisis, Mood disorder, whatever. I read so many self-help books, focused on HIM and HIS PROBLEM for way tooooo much time. I get confused sometimes. Even here - I'm supposed to read and learn all about his addiction / disease. His counselor tells me I have to learn everything I can; I have to go to some of his meetings with him; I have to go to my own meetings. Sometimes I just want to scream at the top of my lungs: WHAT ABOUT ME????
In all honesty - I'm tired of reading about his problems. I'm tired of trying to learn his language and how to talk to him. And deal with him. And live with him.
This is the petulant, obstinate, childish little girl inside me. I know that this childishness isn't productive behavior. It doesn't help me in this situation. But darnit, sometimes that neglected, lonely little girl wants to be heard.
One good thing about all this reading that I've done over the years is that I have learned techniques, tricks, and steps on how to get myself better.
Detachment: I found a great site that helps you step by step learn about this ever so important technique. One that I would love to master, lol, but am still working on!!
Setting Boundaries - another one I'm not so good at. Not yet, anyway.
Baby Steps - List goals: Again, breaking things down into little lists or daily goals is so much easier than trying to look at the "whole picture". Looking at every single thing that I need to overcome is terrifying & daunting. Breaking it down into manageable steps and goals is more productive and, when something is completed, it gives me a sense of accomplishment. Gives me the strength & encouragement I desperately need to make it thru another day and get closer to that end goal.
I guess I have resign myself to read some more about this specific problem - his addiction. Every time I think about it though, my obstinance stops me. When I go to bed, I look at the books on my nightstand and have to make a choice: Read about HIS problems or read the Vampire Novel for pleasure? In all honesty, I don't get much pleasure in my life, so I usually choose the Vampire Novel. Maybe that's counter-productive, I don't know. I get so confused sometimes.
A very scary thing his counselor said to me / about me. Because alcoholism runs rampant in my family, I'm kind of pre-disposed to attract/be attracted to men with their own addictions. That stunned me. And really scared me. Especially about how when I met my SO he detested drugs & drug addicts. Didn't even drink much (still doesn't drink too much). When he found out that I had recreationally smoked pot in high school, he freaked out at me!!! And when I say recreationally - I mean I took one hit once every 2 years off someone else's joint! I hated smoking pot. I hated the way it made me feel. So, I never felt the need or felt curious about trying any other kind of drugs. So, flash forward - a guy who was so adamantly against drugs is now a drug addict. And, according to his counselor - this is my destiny. I say - BAH! to him! I have ALWAYS marched to the beat of my own crazy drummer!! And, if someone doesn't like my drummers' music, they are free to go find their own.
But, back to what the counselor said. I found it terrifying that even though SO's addiction hadn't yet begun to manifest when we first met, it was still there? And I was somehow drawn to that? That baffles me. I hate the fact that at times I feel like SO is my fourth child. I don't want another child. I want a man, a partner, a friend, a lover, a co-parent. And that leads me to another question I can't figure out the answer to. And that is, I know we are supposed to let them fall. Not micro-manage, mother, or clean up their messes - but, how do I do that when I can see that what he's about to do WILL cause me & my girls damage?? Do you just let it happen?
Like last night. He took one of his cars out, they have no plates, no insurance, and he has no license. When he told me, I just looked at him and asked why he wasn't taking the (legal) friends car. His answer was he didn't want to waste the gas. And told me to stick by the phone in case he had trouble. I let him go. Didn't say another word, just silently said to myself There's no way in hell I'm coming to bail you out if you get arrested. Not that I have any money to do so, anyway. So, I didn't interfere there - because I felt that if he got arrested, it didn't affect me or the girls. It's his choice to drive illegally in an illegal car.
But, what about a situation that does directly affect us? Or is this just my mind making excuses to "help" him?
Today I'm going to do something for me. What, I have no idea yet. But whatever it is that I do, it's going to be about me and for me. I owe it to myself and my kids to be kind to myself for once. Indulge myself in something so totally for myself and no one else. I will not let him interrupt me; I will not be made to feel unworthy or like my interests don't matter. I will do whatever I want to do today without feeling guilty. And I'm going to listen to the song "Sometimes It Takes Balls to Be A Woman" while I'm doing it!!!!!!!!!
Again, thanks everyone for your responses. Finally - an outlet where "I" can come. I'm feeling better today. The last two days have been incredibly difficult for me. I don't think I cried or even allowed myself to feel when he went to the rehab center - I was operating more in survival mode and I think everything finally hit me like a ton of bricks. Complicated with all the controversy surrounding his release; the catching of him bringing drugs in again, etc. It all finally caught up to my brain and my brain simply shut down for a little while until it was ready to deal again.
Once upon a time, long before I realized there was a drug problem, I was searching for an answer for what was wrong with him (and us). Mid-life crisis, Mood disorder, whatever. I read so many self-help books, focused on HIM and HIS PROBLEM for way tooooo much time. I get confused sometimes. Even here - I'm supposed to read and learn all about his addiction / disease. His counselor tells me I have to learn everything I can; I have to go to some of his meetings with him; I have to go to my own meetings. Sometimes I just want to scream at the top of my lungs: WHAT ABOUT ME????
In all honesty - I'm tired of reading about his problems. I'm tired of trying to learn his language and how to talk to him. And deal with him. And live with him.
This is the petulant, obstinate, childish little girl inside me. I know that this childishness isn't productive behavior. It doesn't help me in this situation. But darnit, sometimes that neglected, lonely little girl wants to be heard.
One good thing about all this reading that I've done over the years is that I have learned techniques, tricks, and steps on how to get myself better.
Detachment: I found a great site that helps you step by step learn about this ever so important technique. One that I would love to master, lol, but am still working on!!
Setting Boundaries - another one I'm not so good at. Not yet, anyway.
Baby Steps - List goals: Again, breaking things down into little lists or daily goals is so much easier than trying to look at the "whole picture". Looking at every single thing that I need to overcome is terrifying & daunting. Breaking it down into manageable steps and goals is more productive and, when something is completed, it gives me a sense of accomplishment. Gives me the strength & encouragement I desperately need to make it thru another day and get closer to that end goal.
I guess I have resign myself to read some more about this specific problem - his addiction. Every time I think about it though, my obstinance stops me. When I go to bed, I look at the books on my nightstand and have to make a choice: Read about HIS problems or read the Vampire Novel for pleasure? In all honesty, I don't get much pleasure in my life, so I usually choose the Vampire Novel. Maybe that's counter-productive, I don't know. I get so confused sometimes.
A very scary thing his counselor said to me / about me. Because alcoholism runs rampant in my family, I'm kind of pre-disposed to attract/be attracted to men with their own addictions. That stunned me. And really scared me. Especially about how when I met my SO he detested drugs & drug addicts. Didn't even drink much (still doesn't drink too much). When he found out that I had recreationally smoked pot in high school, he freaked out at me!!! And when I say recreationally - I mean I took one hit once every 2 years off someone else's joint! I hated smoking pot. I hated the way it made me feel. So, I never felt the need or felt curious about trying any other kind of drugs. So, flash forward - a guy who was so adamantly against drugs is now a drug addict. And, according to his counselor - this is my destiny. I say - BAH! to him! I have ALWAYS marched to the beat of my own crazy drummer!! And, if someone doesn't like my drummers' music, they are free to go find their own.
But, back to what the counselor said. I found it terrifying that even though SO's addiction hadn't yet begun to manifest when we first met, it was still there? And I was somehow drawn to that? That baffles me. I hate the fact that at times I feel like SO is my fourth child. I don't want another child. I want a man, a partner, a friend, a lover, a co-parent. And that leads me to another question I can't figure out the answer to. And that is, I know we are supposed to let them fall. Not micro-manage, mother, or clean up their messes - but, how do I do that when I can see that what he's about to do WILL cause me & my girls damage?? Do you just let it happen?
Like last night. He took one of his cars out, they have no plates, no insurance, and he has no license. When he told me, I just looked at him and asked why he wasn't taking the (legal) friends car. His answer was he didn't want to waste the gas. And told me to stick by the phone in case he had trouble. I let him go. Didn't say another word, just silently said to myself There's no way in hell I'm coming to bail you out if you get arrested. Not that I have any money to do so, anyway. So, I didn't interfere there - because I felt that if he got arrested, it didn't affect me or the girls. It's his choice to drive illegally in an illegal car.
But, what about a situation that does directly affect us? Or is this just my mind making excuses to "help" him?
Today I'm going to do something for me. What, I have no idea yet. But whatever it is that I do, it's going to be about me and for me. I owe it to myself and my kids to be kind to myself for once. Indulge myself in something so totally for myself and no one else. I will not let him interrupt me; I will not be made to feel unworthy or like my interests don't matter. I will do whatever I want to do today without feeling guilty. And I'm going to listen to the song "Sometimes It Takes Balls to Be A Woman" while I'm doing it!!!!!!!!!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Ohio
Posts: 267
WOW I couldnt even wait till I read the rest of your post cuz I was afraid something would cause me to forget to ask..... this site on detachment... please share that with me cuz I certainly need it!!!!
A comment on what I read so far... I wouldnt stress about feeling selfish and wanting as much effort being given to your health and well being. I would think that is normal. I think the difference in the selfishness we feel compared to the selfishness that the addict feels is that we recognize it as being or wanting to be selfish and even tho we may act upon that some days (sometimes days at a time) we can go back to giving instead of taking. With an active addict they deny the selfishness, rename it as entitlement and never are truly giving. It is always about them and how they see the situation.
A comment on what I read so far... I wouldnt stress about feeling selfish and wanting as much effort being given to your health and well being. I would think that is normal. I think the difference in the selfishness we feel compared to the selfishness that the addict feels is that we recognize it as being or wanting to be selfish and even tho we may act upon that some days (sometimes days at a time) we can go back to giving instead of taking. With an active addict they deny the selfishness, rename it as entitlement and never are truly giving. It is always about them and how they see the situation.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Ohio
Posts: 267
Read the rest... our story is so similar it is freaky. I also had alcoholic parents. Father dead for years now and mom hasnt drank in years. She was never an every day alcoholic but regularly went on binges (couple days, couple weeks, couple months) and for a big chunk of my adolescence she owned a bar so even when she wasnt on a binge I was exposed to a lot of alcoholics and their lives.
I also dabbled in the party scene when younger... a bit more than you but luckily nothing ever grabbed me. I even tried coke a few times but never saw what the attraction was, didnt do much for me. I like to think I never would have tried anything harder but who knows... about the time I started settling down the hard stuff had just started making the news like crack and meth. Living in a small town even tho I had heard of it but never knew anyone who did it. I was a child of the 80's and our biggest things were alcohol and pot.
My hubby also dabbled a bit after his divorce from his first wife but he was never a party guy either. When we met he might drink a couple beers or mixed drinks at a party or get together 3-4 times a year. He was steady as a rock. Then came the injury that led to regular visits to a pain management dr about 3-1/2 yrs ago. He had taken opiates before for back problems and even once early in our relationship admitted that he had continued taking them past when he was healed for the energy. Still, he stopped taking them after that and it wasnt till this last time that I think it changed. I know that what he was before was abusing them but I dont think he was addicted then. But this last time he was given them it slowly grew and now I know it is addiction. He denies, to me, maybe even to himself, that there is anything wrong. He is very prideful, old school, he would consider it a sign of weakness to let something like that get out of control to where he needed help. I dont know if he knows he needs help but doesnt want to admit it or maybe he knows and just doesnt care, doesnt want to stop.
Lots of rambling to get to this... I agree that lots of times we (codies) tend to gravitate towards the very people who are worst for us because of some subconscious need to fix or care for addicts... but in your case and in mine I dont think that was the case. It was just a really bad coincidence. I had done my time with bad relationships trying to fix addicts. I didnt realize what I was doing then but long before I knew what it was I knew I didnt want to do it anymore. When I met AH I thought I had finally found a guy who didnt have to drink till he puked and passed out or who would be cheating on me all the time. Granted there were other problems with him that brought out my codie side but addiction was not one of them. So while I think it can hurt our ability to have a healthy relationship I DO NOT think it destines us to end up with addicts.
I also dabbled in the party scene when younger... a bit more than you but luckily nothing ever grabbed me. I even tried coke a few times but never saw what the attraction was, didnt do much for me. I like to think I never would have tried anything harder but who knows... about the time I started settling down the hard stuff had just started making the news like crack and meth. Living in a small town even tho I had heard of it but never knew anyone who did it. I was a child of the 80's and our biggest things were alcohol and pot.
My hubby also dabbled a bit after his divorce from his first wife but he was never a party guy either. When we met he might drink a couple beers or mixed drinks at a party or get together 3-4 times a year. He was steady as a rock. Then came the injury that led to regular visits to a pain management dr about 3-1/2 yrs ago. He had taken opiates before for back problems and even once early in our relationship admitted that he had continued taking them past when he was healed for the energy. Still, he stopped taking them after that and it wasnt till this last time that I think it changed. I know that what he was before was abusing them but I dont think he was addicted then. But this last time he was given them it slowly grew and now I know it is addiction. He denies, to me, maybe even to himself, that there is anything wrong. He is very prideful, old school, he would consider it a sign of weakness to let something like that get out of control to where he needed help. I dont know if he knows he needs help but doesnt want to admit it or maybe he knows and just doesnt care, doesnt want to stop.
Lots of rambling to get to this... I agree that lots of times we (codies) tend to gravitate towards the very people who are worst for us because of some subconscious need to fix or care for addicts... but in your case and in mine I dont think that was the case. It was just a really bad coincidence. I had done my time with bad relationships trying to fix addicts. I didnt realize what I was doing then but long before I knew what it was I knew I didnt want to do it anymore. When I met AH I thought I had finally found a guy who didnt have to drink till he puked and passed out or who would be cheating on me all the time. Granted there were other problems with him that brought out my codie side but addiction was not one of them. So while I think it can hurt our ability to have a healthy relationship I DO NOT think it destines us to end up with addicts.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by JadedOne2009
I guess I have resign myself to read some more about this specific problem - his addiction. Every time I think about it though, my obstinance stops me. When I go to bed, I look at the books on my nightstand and have to make a choice: Read about HIS problems or read the Vampire Novel for pleasure? In all honesty, I don't get much pleasure in my life, so I usually choose the Vampire Novel.
Enjoy the Vamp novel and embrace those books that help you, help yourself.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Wilmington, NC
Posts: 932
Welcome to SR! This place will get you through - it did me. We have walked in your shoes in some way or another and feel your pain, confusion and betrayal.
Read the stickies about addiction and do searches on the forum for key words or topics. I read everything I could and actually resented it because like you, addiction was not supposed to be a part of my life nor was it to define me (but it has).
I'll post more later sweetie. Please keep posting and venting. It helps alot, especially when there's no adult in the house to talk to and especially early on when it's almost impossible to utter the words out loud to another human being because there is shame and embarrasement associated with this monster that was not invited into our homes or lives.
(((HUGS))))
Read the stickies about addiction and do searches on the forum for key words or topics. I read everything I could and actually resented it because like you, addiction was not supposed to be a part of my life nor was it to define me (but it has).
I'll post more later sweetie. Please keep posting and venting. It helps alot, especially when there's no adult in the house to talk to and especially early on when it's almost impossible to utter the words out loud to another human being because there is shame and embarrasement associated with this monster that was not invited into our homes or lives.
(((HUGS))))
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: AZ
Posts: 19
Thank you Magoo, Lunch, Suspicious, everyone. I didn't do anything I didn't want to do yesterday! And it felt good. I guess it was easier because SO slept until 3 PM, then left and wasn't back around until 9 PM. Then shortly after I went to bed. (And finished the vamp novel!! 
)
OK...going back over the responses I got the other day.
The things that I have in place right now for me & the girls
1. I already have a Child Support Order in place. And he has been paying it, up until this month when he went into rehab and lost his income. He gets paid bi-monthly and doesn't go back to work until November 2, so I won't see any money until Nov 15th at the earliest (it's direct deposited).
2. I have Full Custody and I still have a Supervised Visitation order in place from when he walked out last year. Those don't change unless one of us goes back to the court to change them - and neither of us have done that (I have no intentions of doing so, either.)
3. The day after he went "to the farm" I applied for assistance. The only things I qualify for are food stamps and HEAP (heating assistance). I haven't received anything yet, but they have 30 days to get me an answer.
4. I have a signed rental agreement between him & I for me to live here in the house. The house is in his name only, so I thought it wise to make sure I got something in writing in the event things weren't working out between us.
5. For about the last 4 years now, I save copies of every email/text between us (it's come in handy for court purposes). I also copy everything I see regarding his work; his health; his addiction. Again - I used them in court. I also told a friend where to find this information in the event something happens to me.
My priority right now is to get a vehicle on the road, in my name (or not in my name, I don't really care!). I'm working on my health insurance today, too. I really need to get it sorted out so perhaps I can find a therapist for myself.
I did research on Al-Anon meetings in my area. Of course, the two I could find are about an hour away, at night. It's going to be very difficult for me to get to any, but I'm going to try my darndest. I have issues with leaving him alone with the kids. But, where there's a will there's a way, right?? I'm not sure how these meetings go, or what I'm supposed to do. I'm not a big talker. (As a Typer - I get a little wordy, but not out loud around strangers).
When I made the list above, I realized I probably have firmer ground to stand on than I was giving myself credit for. I *think* I can detach enough to start living MY life. And let him live his. Upon reflecting and by listening to what he's been saying the last couple of days, I think he feels he was forced into rehab. And I know enough that you can't force someone to do something they don't want to do. Recovery is HIS choice. I have to travel my own road, and so does he.
And, he's off! Slept until noon, took a shower and poof - gone! "Gotta go cash a check." Not interacting with him may be easier than I thought.
)OK...going back over the responses I got the other day.
The things that I have in place right now for me & the girls
1. I already have a Child Support Order in place. And he has been paying it, up until this month when he went into rehab and lost his income. He gets paid bi-monthly and doesn't go back to work until November 2, so I won't see any money until Nov 15th at the earliest (it's direct deposited).
2. I have Full Custody and I still have a Supervised Visitation order in place from when he walked out last year. Those don't change unless one of us goes back to the court to change them - and neither of us have done that (I have no intentions of doing so, either.)
3. The day after he went "to the farm" I applied for assistance. The only things I qualify for are food stamps and HEAP (heating assistance). I haven't received anything yet, but they have 30 days to get me an answer.
4. I have a signed rental agreement between him & I for me to live here in the house. The house is in his name only, so I thought it wise to make sure I got something in writing in the event things weren't working out between us.
5. For about the last 4 years now, I save copies of every email/text between us (it's come in handy for court purposes). I also copy everything I see regarding his work; his health; his addiction. Again - I used them in court. I also told a friend where to find this information in the event something happens to me.
My priority right now is to get a vehicle on the road, in my name (or not in my name, I don't really care!). I'm working on my health insurance today, too. I really need to get it sorted out so perhaps I can find a therapist for myself.
I did research on Al-Anon meetings in my area. Of course, the two I could find are about an hour away, at night. It's going to be very difficult for me to get to any, but I'm going to try my darndest. I have issues with leaving him alone with the kids. But, where there's a will there's a way, right?? I'm not sure how these meetings go, or what I'm supposed to do. I'm not a big talker. (As a Typer - I get a little wordy, but not out loud around strangers).
When I made the list above, I realized I probably have firmer ground to stand on than I was giving myself credit for. I *think* I can detach enough to start living MY life. And let him live his. Upon reflecting and by listening to what he's been saying the last couple of days, I think he feels he was forced into rehab. And I know enough that you can't force someone to do something they don't want to do. Recovery is HIS choice. I have to travel my own road, and so does he.
And, he's off! Slept until noon, took a shower and poof - gone! "Gotta go cash a check." Not interacting with him may be easier than I thought.
Senior Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Calif
Posts: 1,007
[QUOTE=JadedOne2009;2414518]Good Morning!
Good for you JadedOne! You need to start taking care of you and your girls.
This is not the way life is suppose to be. It's up to us to make it better. In order to "make it better" we have to come to the realization that an addict will do everything and anything to get drugs. That includes lying, stealing, and taking advantage of everyone in order to get his/her way.
I think you are doing a great job considering you aren't getting a lot of assistance. Looks to me like you now have a plan in place, and that's a great thing.
You sound great; you sound organized; you sound ready to do whatever it is you have to do to take care of you and your children!
I am proud of you, and you should be proud of yourself for taking control of your life again!
Keep up the good work. Forget his problems! He is never going to be straight with you until he makes up his mind to staying clean!
I thought that was great information you got from Outtolunch!
By now you know addicts will say anything to get your attention! They constantly try different tactics until they find one that works.
When my son would threaten me with different scenarios, I would answer, "do what you have to do!"
Keep posting. Take care of those girls, and yourself!
Prayers and hugs,
Devastated
Good for you JadedOne! You need to start taking care of you and your girls.
This is not the way life is suppose to be. It's up to us to make it better. In order to "make it better" we have to come to the realization that an addict will do everything and anything to get drugs. That includes lying, stealing, and taking advantage of everyone in order to get his/her way.
I think you are doing a great job considering you aren't getting a lot of assistance. Looks to me like you now have a plan in place, and that's a great thing.
You sound great; you sound organized; you sound ready to do whatever it is you have to do to take care of you and your children!
I am proud of you, and you should be proud of yourself for taking control of your life again!
Keep up the good work. Forget his problems! He is never going to be straight with you until he makes up his mind to staying clean!
I thought that was great information you got from Outtolunch!
By now you know addicts will say anything to get your attention! They constantly try different tactics until they find one that works.
When my son would threaten me with different scenarios, I would answer, "do what you have to do!"
Keep posting. Take care of those girls, and yourself!
Prayers and hugs,
Devastated
Senior Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Calif
Posts: 1,007
I love the way the quote came out, don't you? I have a real talent with this computer! LOL
Anyway, the quote was:
Hope it comes out this time, but if it doesn't, it started out this way:
"Today I'm going to do something for me, etc." posted at 6:51AM yesterday.
Hugs, Devastated
Anyway, the quote was:
Hope it comes out this time, but if it doesn't, it started out this way:
"Today I'm going to do something for me, etc." posted at 6:51AM yesterday.
Hugs, Devastated
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: AZ
Posts: 19
Thanks, devastated.
I can't say that I have an exact "plan", more of an outline of what needs to be done. All I know is that I can't stand the way we are living right now. Here's a man who makes a decent living, and we're destitute. Was it my mistake to become a stay at home mom and rely on him financially? I don't really know the answer to that. Up until 6 years ago, I worked, had my own income & vehicle. But, I didn't have 3 kids then!
I'm still not sure whether he is using again or not. I've been trying to back off and not question, meddle, accuse - just trying watch from the outside. But I can't get a solid feeling. I know all the tricks, and maybe they make me too paranoid & pessimistic. Sure, he can hand me his cell phone - after he's deleted everything he doesn't want me to see. Sure, he can call me every hour when he's out - but, on a cell phone he could be in Alaska and I wouldn't know the difference. So, other than being with him 24 hours a day. seven days a week (which I have no desire to do) I really have nothing to go on except his actions. And his actions are sleeping all day, then leaving for hours, coming back with nothing more than he left with. So, I have no idea!
And now I found out that he was supposed to return to work Monday but he didn't get in the proper paperwork from the doctor, so it's been delayed until at least Wednesday. I'm not sure WHY there is a delay. I'm not sure what paperwork they are looking for that the doctor hasn't given them. I saw the tox screen results from Oct 24th, and they were all clean. However, this screen was done before I caught him bringing the pills into the house & before he went to the ER and got the dilaudid.
I'm not sure how to handle this. To me, it's important to know where he's at. To classify him, I guess. Is he using again or is he honestly keeping with the rehab & recovery efforts? Is this something I should be focusing on? To me, it would make a difference in how I handle things.
I can't say that I have an exact "plan", more of an outline of what needs to be done. All I know is that I can't stand the way we are living right now. Here's a man who makes a decent living, and we're destitute. Was it my mistake to become a stay at home mom and rely on him financially? I don't really know the answer to that. Up until 6 years ago, I worked, had my own income & vehicle. But, I didn't have 3 kids then!
I'm still not sure whether he is using again or not. I've been trying to back off and not question, meddle, accuse - just trying watch from the outside. But I can't get a solid feeling. I know all the tricks, and maybe they make me too paranoid & pessimistic. Sure, he can hand me his cell phone - after he's deleted everything he doesn't want me to see. Sure, he can call me every hour when he's out - but, on a cell phone he could be in Alaska and I wouldn't know the difference. So, other than being with him 24 hours a day. seven days a week (which I have no desire to do) I really have nothing to go on except his actions. And his actions are sleeping all day, then leaving for hours, coming back with nothing more than he left with. So, I have no idea!
And now I found out that he was supposed to return to work Monday but he didn't get in the proper paperwork from the doctor, so it's been delayed until at least Wednesday. I'm not sure WHY there is a delay. I'm not sure what paperwork they are looking for that the doctor hasn't given them. I saw the tox screen results from Oct 24th, and they were all clean. However, this screen was done before I caught him bringing the pills into the house & before he went to the ER and got the dilaudid.
I'm not sure how to handle this. To me, it's important to know where he's at. To classify him, I guess. Is he using again or is he honestly keeping with the rehab & recovery efforts? Is this something I should be focusing on? To me, it would make a difference in how I handle things.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
He was supposed to return to work on Monday. Instead you found him sneaking pills. He's deleting calls/texts on his cell phone. Then he bolted in a car, sans license plates/insurance and he has no license. He ended up in the hospital with a complaint about stomach pain, where he was prescibed a little something to tide him over.
Based on what you have shared, his very recent actions are consistent with someone in active addiction who is taking risks to obtain his DOC, at any cost.
Based on what you have shared, his very recent actions are consistent with someone in active addiction who is taking risks to obtain his DOC, at any cost.
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