New, need support.
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
Jaded One,
My experience is that when I am questioning, and have a sick gut feeling, and it seems something is not right, something IS not right. My guy started doing some weed dealing, at first he kept it from me, then he said he wanted to honest and not keep things from me, so he told me. He is pretty much unemployable, and because I don't have a moral issue with marijuana, I accepted it as not great, but something I could def. live with. The thing was that when I thought he was on a run, I think he was also buying other chemicals and using. So I do not know that every single time I had "the feeling" it was really truly a using situation. But that's what I'm going with.
Now that he wants a fresh start at being clean, and a second chance with me, he is willing to drop a u.a. any time I ask. Phone calls? We have a family plan. Even if he deletes, I can go to the website and of course he knows this. He has so far gone to one NA meeting; planning on another one tonight. He is resigned to the fact that there are huge trust issues, and that I have recently told him I have to let him go, and be done with him. He is not ugly verbally or putting up walls. He says he will go to treatment without kicking and screaming if that's what I want.
You see, there is a definite difference when this guy is in active addiction and when it is being arrested.
Other thing I wish to share:
When I was in therapy, I remember lamenting to my therapist "why, oh why did I end up with an alcoholic? I was trying to be so careful." She said simply "if you hadn't chosen this aocoholic, you would have just chosen a different one." I was angry and shocked; I had never heard something like this. Since then I have come to understand that statement. I looked at all my relationships for a common denominator. Guess what? Yep. But why? That is still a bit of a mystery, but what I think, is that attraction is very complex. When I was on pain pills after a major surgery, I hated it. I would rather be on nothing and have discomfort, than be on those things - it didn't matter if it was morphine, percoset, vallium or whatever, I tried several. I think the key difference is that someone "wired" for addiction, esp. addiction to opiates, will enjoy being on the drug. It does something for them, that it does not for me. Like what Suspicious said about getting a little high on pot, and trying coke - didn't grab her. Me too.
But with these guys, completely different story. There is something in them, I said wiring for lack of a better word, that is complicated and difficult to see and understand, but it's part of who they are. The men that are either already addicted, or set up for addiction, are the ones I go for. These men are attracted to women who are caretakers, they love us for these qualities, then resent us later because of them. It is very hard to get better, and shake that dynamic, and this is why a large number of couple divorce AFTER he gets through treatment and honeymoon phase ends.
Keep doing what you're doing; this site is a lifeline. I have gone to al-anon for years but now that I have a hard-core addict in my life, I feel it's just not enough. This is such a different "disease" in so many ways.
My experience is that when I am questioning, and have a sick gut feeling, and it seems something is not right, something IS not right. My guy started doing some weed dealing, at first he kept it from me, then he said he wanted to honest and not keep things from me, so he told me. He is pretty much unemployable, and because I don't have a moral issue with marijuana, I accepted it as not great, but something I could def. live with. The thing was that when I thought he was on a run, I think he was also buying other chemicals and using. So I do not know that every single time I had "the feeling" it was really truly a using situation. But that's what I'm going with.
Now that he wants a fresh start at being clean, and a second chance with me, he is willing to drop a u.a. any time I ask. Phone calls? We have a family plan. Even if he deletes, I can go to the website and of course he knows this. He has so far gone to one NA meeting; planning on another one tonight. He is resigned to the fact that there are huge trust issues, and that I have recently told him I have to let him go, and be done with him. He is not ugly verbally or putting up walls. He says he will go to treatment without kicking and screaming if that's what I want.
You see, there is a definite difference when this guy is in active addiction and when it is being arrested.
Other thing I wish to share:
When I was in therapy, I remember lamenting to my therapist "why, oh why did I end up with an alcoholic? I was trying to be so careful." She said simply "if you hadn't chosen this aocoholic, you would have just chosen a different one." I was angry and shocked; I had never heard something like this. Since then I have come to understand that statement. I looked at all my relationships for a common denominator. Guess what? Yep. But why? That is still a bit of a mystery, but what I think, is that attraction is very complex. When I was on pain pills after a major surgery, I hated it. I would rather be on nothing and have discomfort, than be on those things - it didn't matter if it was morphine, percoset, vallium or whatever, I tried several. I think the key difference is that someone "wired" for addiction, esp. addiction to opiates, will enjoy being on the drug. It does something for them, that it does not for me. Like what Suspicious said about getting a little high on pot, and trying coke - didn't grab her. Me too.
But with these guys, completely different story. There is something in them, I said wiring for lack of a better word, that is complicated and difficult to see and understand, but it's part of who they are. The men that are either already addicted, or set up for addiction, are the ones I go for. These men are attracted to women who are caretakers, they love us for these qualities, then resent us later because of them. It is very hard to get better, and shake that dynamic, and this is why a large number of couple divorce AFTER he gets through treatment and honeymoon phase ends.
Keep doing what you're doing; this site is a lifeline. I have gone to al-anon for years but now that I have a hard-core addict in my life, I feel it's just not enough. This is such a different "disease" in so many ways.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: AZ
Posts: 19
I have my answer.
Thanks Coffee, outtolunch.
Sad to say, I guess I have my answer. Outtolunch - you were right. After a horrible Halloween, him sleeping until noon, running out for 3 hours, then coming home and going back to bed, complete with bailing on going trick or treating with us...this morning finds much the same. Sleeping until about a half hour ago when he comes to me and asks me for the pills (I took from him last week.) I told him no. He starts his BS with I need to sell them for some money - I say, we'll be all right today and tomorrow. Then the story changes to "HE" needs to take one or two so he doesn't have to go back to the hospital. Blah, blah, blah.
Again, I tell him no. Told him to go to the hospital if he wanted but that I wasn't contributing to his mess. Also pointed out how the story changed and he lied to me just to get the pills.
So...he's gone. Funny thing is, I don't feel the way I once would have. Whether he goes to the hospital or finds someone to give him some pills, either way - I have my answer. I'm very sorry that he has a legitimate medical condition - but, I'm not sorry that I said no. This is huge for me - once upon a time I would have caved and given him the pills.
And now, I'm flushing those pills.
Sad to say, I guess I have my answer. Outtolunch - you were right. After a horrible Halloween, him sleeping until noon, running out for 3 hours, then coming home and going back to bed, complete with bailing on going trick or treating with us...this morning finds much the same. Sleeping until about a half hour ago when he comes to me and asks me for the pills (I took from him last week.) I told him no. He starts his BS with I need to sell them for some money - I say, we'll be all right today and tomorrow. Then the story changes to "HE" needs to take one or two so he doesn't have to go back to the hospital. Blah, blah, blah.
Again, I tell him no. Told him to go to the hospital if he wanted but that I wasn't contributing to his mess. Also pointed out how the story changed and he lied to me just to get the pills.
So...he's gone. Funny thing is, I don't feel the way I once would have. Whether he goes to the hospital or finds someone to give him some pills, either way - I have my answer. I'm very sorry that he has a legitimate medical condition - but, I'm not sorry that I said no. This is huge for me - once upon a time I would have caved and given him the pills.
And now, I'm flushing those pills.
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: lancaster, PA
Posts: 852
Perhaps a different take...........
why flush the pills?
why are you attempting to control what he does? I'm sure you must know, if you flush his pills, he will find a way to get more. Unfortunately, you are allowing HIS problem, to consume your life.
There will come a time that you will not even have your pesky little hands on those pills.... and if for some strange reason you do, you'd be glad to hand them off to him.....
and let him do what he may.
Right now you are getting 'satisfaction' from 'flushing'.......... unless you are doing it as some kind of joke to self..... really the last, pain-stakeing laugh will be on you. Addiction is stronger than any of us......... take it from a tough-as-nails irish girl, that USED to try and do it your way.
Love,
Cess
why flush the pills?
why are you attempting to control what he does? I'm sure you must know, if you flush his pills, he will find a way to get more. Unfortunately, you are allowing HIS problem, to consume your life.
There will come a time that you will not even have your pesky little hands on those pills.... and if for some strange reason you do, you'd be glad to hand them off to him.....
and let him do what he may.
Right now you are getting 'satisfaction' from 'flushing'.......... unless you are doing it as some kind of joke to self..... really the last, pain-stakeing laugh will be on you. Addiction is stronger than any of us......... take it from a tough-as-nails irish girl, that USED to try and do it your way.
Love,
Cess
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: AZ
Posts: 19
Thanks Cessy
I guess I just could not hand them over and contribute to his problem - that's what it felt like to me and it felt wrong. In the past, if I ever saw anything, I'd leave them alone, or, if he was careless and they dropped (where one of our little children could get them) - I gave them back. Even gave him the pills that I had once (for dental problems) when he asked. This even after derisively telling me that "my little tic tacs" did nothing for him and he needed more pills than what I had to even make a dent. I was left with no pills, plus a toothache, and he was still in search of more.
I was more proud of the fact that I told him "no" than what the subject matter was. He's always been able to get me to do things that go against my principles, this time I stood my ground. I know that he'll get the drugs from other sources, if he wants them. But to me, simply handing them over felt like I would be saying I was "OK" about him taking them.
Is this me trying to control him? Even after his threat to go find some from someone else or go to the hospital, I simply told him to do what he had to. I didn't try to stop him or talk him out of it or take the car keys or anything else.
I guess I just could not hand them over and contribute to his problem - that's what it felt like to me and it felt wrong. In the past, if I ever saw anything, I'd leave them alone, or, if he was careless and they dropped (where one of our little children could get them) - I gave them back. Even gave him the pills that I had once (for dental problems) when he asked. This even after derisively telling me that "my little tic tacs" did nothing for him and he needed more pills than what I had to even make a dent. I was left with no pills, plus a toothache, and he was still in search of more.
I was more proud of the fact that I told him "no" than what the subject matter was. He's always been able to get me to do things that go against my principles, this time I stood my ground. I know that he'll get the drugs from other sources, if he wants them. But to me, simply handing them over felt like I would be saying I was "OK" about him taking them.
Is this me trying to control him? Even after his threat to go find some from someone else or go to the hospital, I simply told him to do what he had to. I didn't try to stop him or talk him out of it or take the car keys or anything else.
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Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Ohio
Posts: 267
JadedOne
How did you happen to end up with the pills?
I think Cessy might be right... just give them to him. Dont think of it as saying OK to his addiction... think of it as saying No to being sucked into his addiction by being in any shape or fashion responsible. Give them to him and let HIM be responsible for how he takes them. It is his addiction. Then wash your hands of his pills... dont hold them for him, dont try to help by doling them out as prescribed... the pills are not your responsibility anymore than his addiction is.
How did you happen to end up with the pills?
I think Cessy might be right... just give them to him. Dont think of it as saying OK to his addiction... think of it as saying No to being sucked into his addiction by being in any shape or fashion responsible. Give them to him and let HIM be responsible for how he takes them. It is his addiction. Then wash your hands of his pills... dont hold them for him, dont try to help by doling them out as prescribed... the pills are not your responsibility anymore than his addiction is.
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
I would not give you so harsh a reply, JadedOne, as Cess, although I know she does so out of love and experience.
I think you made a giant step in saying "no". It is such a simple word that is so difficult to say for many of us. And then actually mean it, and back it up. Wow, good for you; it will only get easier.
What I have said to my addict is: "I completely know I cannot keep you from using. I'm not just saying this because I have heard it a million times, but I do truly know it. But! I will not, ever, knowingly contribute to your use, and your demise." I have also said that even though I know that he could get it if he truly wanted it - steal, be a *****, whatever - that people sometime will fall more easily if it's easy. At his times when he was not wanting to use, but feeling vulnerable, being in the right neighborhood, with cash in his pocket....yeah, for sure. But being in a safe place and having to try very much harder is a bit of a deterrent.
I feel that even it it's not condoning it, it still is playing a part in the contributing to it (the use)
I'm not saying that where there's a will, there's not a way. I know they are resourceful and tricky, and smart. But I can't help agreeing with JadedOne that I simply cannot "help" him get high.
Glad he is gone, sweetheart. I hope you can breathe for awhile.
I think you made a giant step in saying "no". It is such a simple word that is so difficult to say for many of us. And then actually mean it, and back it up. Wow, good for you; it will only get easier.
What I have said to my addict is: "I completely know I cannot keep you from using. I'm not just saying this because I have heard it a million times, but I do truly know it. But! I will not, ever, knowingly contribute to your use, and your demise." I have also said that even though I know that he could get it if he truly wanted it - steal, be a *****, whatever - that people sometime will fall more easily if it's easy. At his times when he was not wanting to use, but feeling vulnerable, being in the right neighborhood, with cash in his pocket....yeah, for sure. But being in a safe place and having to try very much harder is a bit of a deterrent.
I feel that even it it's not condoning it, it still is playing a part in the contributing to it (the use)
I'm not saying that where there's a will, there's not a way. I know they are resourceful and tricky, and smart. But I can't help agreeing with JadedOne that I simply cannot "help" him get high.
Glad he is gone, sweetheart. I hope you can breathe for awhile.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: AZ
Posts: 19
Thanks Suspicious & Coffeedrinker.
Coffee - I didn't really take cessy's words as being too harsh. I can deal with harsh! lol I'm here looking for help, and I am able to take constructive criticism - trust me, I'm a heck of a lot harder on myself.
Suspicious - the pills came into my possession when he was sneaking them into the bathroom. He said he had nothing, I went in and saw them and brought them out asking him what they were. Then I looked them up online. At the time, he never asked for them from me, and I didn't offer them back, so I kept them. THAT I can see as controlling behavior: calling him on his lie, finding the pills and then keeping them. Like a mother would do with an errant child.
But, I do stick to my guns about not giving them back to him when he asked. And, lesson learned on how to handle this, if this kind of unfortunate incident ever arises again.
And now, other hits keep on coming. He had borrowed a friends car due to the problem with his insurance, license, etc. Well, the car is gone this morning. I'm assuming the friend took it during the night. So, now I'm totally stranded. I can't find anyone who will help me out with $$. I have no idea what the he!! I'm going to do. No money, no car - I can't help feel so resentful. It also leads me to the question of what's the difference between taking care of myself and cleaning up his messes.
This is his mess. He failed to pay the insurance. I might be able to find someone to add a vehicle to their policy for a little while to help out - but that is really pushing the limits of friendship/family ties. But, then it feels like I am cleaning up one of his messes. However the alternative of not having a vehicle is too dangerous. By the way - we live in a very, VERY rural area - the closest convenience store is 8 miles one way. Everything else is at least 45 minutes to an hour one way. Including all the large shopping areas and his work. It isn't like I can take a bus or call a cab - there are none!
I really don't know what I'm going to do. We have no food. I used the last of what I had to make a decent dinner last night. I got notice that I was approved for food assistance - but that doesn't get deposited until the 7th. We have no fuel in the oil tank (heat). Zero income. I've rolled every coin in the house. I've got stuff for sale on craigslist - but nothing's moving. And even having to apply for services makes me resentful because again - it feels like I'm cleaning up. And now, even if I had the food money - I can't get to a store. My family lives in another state and aren't financially able to help; his are all 1.5 hours away and aren't willing to help him anymore because he's burned those bridges. I'm feeling the depression consume me. Everywhere I turn, I find another brick wall. I look at my kids and I just want to cry. Somehow we got drug to the bottom along with him. And I'm so afraid for his mental state, too. I have no idea how he is going to handle this hit about the car being gone. I know my own depressive state has me feeling very fragile - I can't imagine what it must be like in HIS head. That thought really scares me.
Coffee - I didn't really take cessy's words as being too harsh. I can deal with harsh! lol I'm here looking for help, and I am able to take constructive criticism - trust me, I'm a heck of a lot harder on myself.
Suspicious - the pills came into my possession when he was sneaking them into the bathroom. He said he had nothing, I went in and saw them and brought them out asking him what they were. Then I looked them up online. At the time, he never asked for them from me, and I didn't offer them back, so I kept them. THAT I can see as controlling behavior: calling him on his lie, finding the pills and then keeping them. Like a mother would do with an errant child.
But, I do stick to my guns about not giving them back to him when he asked. And, lesson learned on how to handle this, if this kind of unfortunate incident ever arises again.
And now, other hits keep on coming. He had borrowed a friends car due to the problem with his insurance, license, etc. Well, the car is gone this morning. I'm assuming the friend took it during the night. So, now I'm totally stranded. I can't find anyone who will help me out with $$. I have no idea what the he!! I'm going to do. No money, no car - I can't help feel so resentful. It also leads me to the question of what's the difference between taking care of myself and cleaning up his messes.
This is his mess. He failed to pay the insurance. I might be able to find someone to add a vehicle to their policy for a little while to help out - but that is really pushing the limits of friendship/family ties. But, then it feels like I am cleaning up one of his messes. However the alternative of not having a vehicle is too dangerous. By the way - we live in a very, VERY rural area - the closest convenience store is 8 miles one way. Everything else is at least 45 minutes to an hour one way. Including all the large shopping areas and his work. It isn't like I can take a bus or call a cab - there are none!
I really don't know what I'm going to do. We have no food. I used the last of what I had to make a decent dinner last night. I got notice that I was approved for food assistance - but that doesn't get deposited until the 7th. We have no fuel in the oil tank (heat). Zero income. I've rolled every coin in the house. I've got stuff for sale on craigslist - but nothing's moving. And even having to apply for services makes me resentful because again - it feels like I'm cleaning up. And now, even if I had the food money - I can't get to a store. My family lives in another state and aren't financially able to help; his are all 1.5 hours away and aren't willing to help him anymore because he's burned those bridges. I'm feeling the depression consume me. Everywhere I turn, I find another brick wall. I look at my kids and I just want to cry. Somehow we got drug to the bottom along with him. And I'm so afraid for his mental state, too. I have no idea how he is going to handle this hit about the car being gone. I know my own depressive state has me feeling very fragile - I can't imagine what it must be like in HIS head. That thought really scares me.
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Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Ohio
Posts: 267
((((( JadedOne )))))
I cant even imagine how stressful this is right now. At this point I would be getting phone numbers for the churches, womens shelters whatever in the town 45 mins away. I would call them and tell them what is going on and at the very least there may be someone who could bring you food to last till you get your food stamps. You might also be able to pre arrange a ride to a grocery store with someone that way as well. You might also be able to get help with heating fuel too.
If there is no one that you know (family) close enough to call for help then I think the next logical step would be to call people you dont know for help.
I cant even imagine how stressful this is right now. At this point I would be getting phone numbers for the churches, womens shelters whatever in the town 45 mins away. I would call them and tell them what is going on and at the very least there may be someone who could bring you food to last till you get your food stamps. You might also be able to pre arrange a ride to a grocery store with someone that way as well. You might also be able to get help with heating fuel too.
If there is no one that you know (family) close enough to call for help then I think the next logical step would be to call people you dont know for help.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Your first post said he left last October and you sort of reconciled over the summer. How did you cope during that period?
I think you also mentioned that "we" own a house. Does this mean you are on the title? Is there equity in this house?
I think you also mentioned that "we" own a house. Does this mean you are on the title? Is there equity in this house?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: AZ
Posts: 19
Originally Posted by outtolunch 
Your first post said he left last October and you sort of reconciled over the summer. How did you cope during that period?
But, seriously, when we separated last year, the kids & I moved 1.5 hours away into a rental, which his parents paid the sec/1st month to get me going. With his child support and food assistance, I was able to keep my head above water, plus I had a part-time job. And, whenever I was low on cash or needed help with a bill payment, he gave me whatever extra money I needed. Sorry for the misunderstanding about the house we live in now - it is only in his name. My name is not on the mortgage.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
you are in a rural area, but is it possible that there is an al-anon meeting(s) at all close by? (people that live in the country don't think twice about driving 20 miles) if so, make contact. you need a ride to the meeting, and some assistance from the wonderful loving people that attend. i know it's a bit of a long-shot, but one worth trying.
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: lancaster, PA
Posts: 852
Originally Posted by JadedOne2009
I really don't know what I'm going to do. We have no food. I used the last of what I had to make a decent dinner last night. I We have no fuel in the oil tank (heat). Zero income. Everywhere I turn, I find another brick wall. I look at my kids and I just want to cry. Somehow we got drug to the bottom along with him. I know my own depressive state has me feeling very fragile - I can't imagine what it must be like in HIS head. That thought really scares me.
Reading your post, as a mom, as a gf of an addict, as a woman in general, I was pained for you, especially this last paragraph...... right up till the last sentence... then I thought WHAT??????
WHY, WHY, are you worried about his poor/probably broken down fragile state? YOU AND YOUR BABIES, are in dire straights, because ADDICTION draged you down the tubes with him.
YES -- you coulda got/out /stayed/out before, I get that..... but we all make mistakes....
BUT NOW.... are you seriously going to feel bad or worry about HIM???
s**** that! Shut him out of your brain for now, pull up your boot straps, and get help for YOU AND YOUR KIDS, for the love of god, you have no food or heat......
Please, I implore you, to understand, that I'm trying to get you to open your eyes and see that you HAVE to forget him and help you and those kids, before someone finds out that they don't have appropriate food/shelter, and you have family services at your doorstep. You HAVE to provide them the 'basics' in life...... If HIS ADDICTION has dragged you all down this much, then time to kick him to the curb.
W/love, (truely)
Cess
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: AZ
Posts: 19
Cess -
Thank you! I appreciate your words. I know what I have to do for me & the kids, truly, I do. I know his addiction is his to deal with. I'm not typically a woulda coulda shoulda person. What I meant about his fragile state was that I just don't want him to kill himself. I KNOW - I can't control what he does, or help him, or any of that, but I still don't want to see it happen and I can't help but express that out loud. I also didn't mean to make it sound like I was more worried about HIM instead of me & the kids. I was trying to say that my mind is fragile & crazy right now - I can only imagine what HIS head is like. I know how I feel inside - his head must be a nightmare. I don't know - I may still not be explaining that right. Or, maybe it just my codependent side. I don't know. I worry about me & the kids more than I worry about him. Will I stand aside and watch him fall? That's what I'm trying to learn how to do better. But, I can still have empathy, right? But I don't / won't let that stop me from doing what I feel I have to do for me & the kids' sake. I said it before and I'll say it again: If it comes down to me & the kids or him - I'll push him aside (or off a cliff) to save us. Without a doubt and without hesitation. If that means that we have to move again, or I need to get him out of here legally somehow, then that's what it means. I don't view him & I as "together" in the true sense of the word. There is no "us" while he's got his drug mistress. She's first in his life right now. She's been for a while, although he hid her well from me.
Yesterday was long - for lack of a better word. I made some calls. Fortunately got the heat assistance pushed thru on the phone instead of waiting for mail - they'll be delivering oil today or tomorrow. He borrowed money from someone and bought a few groceries for the week. Still working on my vehicle problem. He needs to get a loan release from the bank on the vehicle that I've always used - 4 wheel drive, only vehicle that's large enough for me & the kids. Once he gets that loan release paper, he can sign the title over to me and I'll be able to register it. Once I find $$ that is - but one problem at a time!
Then the power went out most of the afternoon until about 7 PM. That wasn't much fun. Oh, and he got pulled over driving his car. Because of "who he is", they let him go. Actually, one of the cops he's friends with came back to the house with him. Shrug. Here's a guy driving an unregistered, uninsured car with a suspended license and he gets out of it. Cop even comes home with him and hangs out in the driveway laughing & talking. Then another one called the house to make sure he was OK. It's this kind of stuff that has slowed down his fall. Because of his job, when one person doesn't do what he wants, he quickly & easily replaces them with someone who will. He's got "friends" in all the police depts, law offices, doctors offices, etc. He's got friends in high places and friends in low places. There's always someone willing to run to his aid; jump at his beck & call - whatever the reason.
No - I'm not preoccupied with this. Just my observations. I can detach enough to step back and just observe things. (Except, it seems, at the most important times!). I have to admit, at times him being who he is has helped out. At other times, like with his drug problem, he's created a monster. The only way I can describe it is like what happens with big stars: Elvis, Michael Jackson - when they want something - someone will always give it to them no matter what. He is no way on Elvis' or MJ's level of stardom, lol, but - he's well known around here. And I'm afraid he'll end up just like them. Dead. I KNOW - don't yell at me for saying this - it's not my place to control him or anything. That's not why I said it. I'm saying it because I'm realizing that I don't know if he'll ever really get to the bottom. Not before he dies anyway. And that saddens me. The few friends I've talked to about this, I've even stated to them that he's going to have to fall and no matter how hard it is, we just have to sit back and watch it happen. No matter how much it hurts to watch him suffer and no matter how much we want to try and 'help'. See - I'm good at giving the advice, just not at taking my own.
I hope I'm getting better at it though. Yesterday I never commented on the police stop, never questioned why he was stopped in a place totally different than from where he said he was going to be. Since reading more, and trying to help myself, and what everyone here points out - I think I'm getting better. I have a long, long way to go, but before, I used to confront, argue, call him on his lies, etc, about everything. I'm learning better how to control myself. Focusing more on me & the kids. Not letting what he does always affect my moods, actions, state of mind. Oh - I did 'make' him do one thing for me though. I had him stop at the library and pick up another vampire book for me!
Thank you! I appreciate your words. I know what I have to do for me & the kids, truly, I do. I know his addiction is his to deal with. I'm not typically a woulda coulda shoulda person. What I meant about his fragile state was that I just don't want him to kill himself. I KNOW - I can't control what he does, or help him, or any of that, but I still don't want to see it happen and I can't help but express that out loud. I also didn't mean to make it sound like I was more worried about HIM instead of me & the kids. I was trying to say that my mind is fragile & crazy right now - I can only imagine what HIS head is like. I know how I feel inside - his head must be a nightmare. I don't know - I may still not be explaining that right. Or, maybe it just my codependent side. I don't know. I worry about me & the kids more than I worry about him. Will I stand aside and watch him fall? That's what I'm trying to learn how to do better. But, I can still have empathy, right? But I don't / won't let that stop me from doing what I feel I have to do for me & the kids' sake. I said it before and I'll say it again: If it comes down to me & the kids or him - I'll push him aside (or off a cliff) to save us. Without a doubt and without hesitation. If that means that we have to move again, or I need to get him out of here legally somehow, then that's what it means. I don't view him & I as "together" in the true sense of the word. There is no "us" while he's got his drug mistress. She's first in his life right now. She's been for a while, although he hid her well from me.
Yesterday was long - for lack of a better word. I made some calls. Fortunately got the heat assistance pushed thru on the phone instead of waiting for mail - they'll be delivering oil today or tomorrow. He borrowed money from someone and bought a few groceries for the week. Still working on my vehicle problem. He needs to get a loan release from the bank on the vehicle that I've always used - 4 wheel drive, only vehicle that's large enough for me & the kids. Once he gets that loan release paper, he can sign the title over to me and I'll be able to register it. Once I find $$ that is - but one problem at a time!
Then the power went out most of the afternoon until about 7 PM. That wasn't much fun. Oh, and he got pulled over driving his car. Because of "who he is", they let him go. Actually, one of the cops he's friends with came back to the house with him. Shrug. Here's a guy driving an unregistered, uninsured car with a suspended license and he gets out of it. Cop even comes home with him and hangs out in the driveway laughing & talking. Then another one called the house to make sure he was OK. It's this kind of stuff that has slowed down his fall. Because of his job, when one person doesn't do what he wants, he quickly & easily replaces them with someone who will. He's got "friends" in all the police depts, law offices, doctors offices, etc. He's got friends in high places and friends in low places. There's always someone willing to run to his aid; jump at his beck & call - whatever the reason.
No - I'm not preoccupied with this. Just my observations. I can detach enough to step back and just observe things. (Except, it seems, at the most important times!). I have to admit, at times him being who he is has helped out. At other times, like with his drug problem, he's created a monster. The only way I can describe it is like what happens with big stars: Elvis, Michael Jackson - when they want something - someone will always give it to them no matter what. He is no way on Elvis' or MJ's level of stardom, lol, but - he's well known around here. And I'm afraid he'll end up just like them. Dead. I KNOW - don't yell at me for saying this - it's not my place to control him or anything. That's not why I said it. I'm saying it because I'm realizing that I don't know if he'll ever really get to the bottom. Not before he dies anyway. And that saddens me. The few friends I've talked to about this, I've even stated to them that he's going to have to fall and no matter how hard it is, we just have to sit back and watch it happen. No matter how much it hurts to watch him suffer and no matter how much we want to try and 'help'. See - I'm good at giving the advice, just not at taking my own.
I hope I'm getting better at it though. Yesterday I never commented on the police stop, never questioned why he was stopped in a place totally different than from where he said he was going to be. Since reading more, and trying to help myself, and what everyone here points out - I think I'm getting better. I have a long, long way to go, but before, I used to confront, argue, call him on his lies, etc, about everything. I'm learning better how to control myself. Focusing more on me & the kids. Not letting what he does always affect my moods, actions, state of mind. Oh - I did 'make' him do one thing for me though. I had him stop at the library and pick up another vampire book for me!
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: lancaster, PA
Posts: 852
Originally Posted by JadedOne2009
Cess -
. Here's a guy driving an unregistered, uninsured car with a suspended license and he gets out of it. Cop even comes home with him and hangs out in the driveway laughing & talking
. Here's a guy driving an unregistered, uninsured car with a suspended license and he gets out of it. Cop even comes home with him and hangs out in the driveway laughing & talking
BUT the abf got pulled over, (while drinking) with a suspended licence, (from not paying a speeding violation..... and guess what, same thing!! No ramifications.
He went to court about his licence and poof,,, all settled, better, fine.
wtf?
How come people who do bad things never seem to get 'theirs'?
I'm glad you sound like you are in good spirits.... keep up the work, I know it's hard.
hugs,
Cess
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 1
Lost
I've discovered and through my boyfriend own admission that is has gone back to using cocaine and he has a alcohol problem. My boyfriend and I have been together for 1yr (2 yrs in Feb 2010), he had been clean for 10yrs @ least that's what he told me when we first met. I suspect he bagan using again last fall (2008) w/his sisters boyfriend whom in my opinion was unhappy in his own relationship, because his lady was abusing alcohol. I feel my boyfriend sister's man was envious of my boyfriend's relationship. He ended up w/a alcoholic and my boyfriend ended up w/me a non-alcoholic & non-drug user. I told my boyfriend that he was envious just by observing some of his actions, but my boyfriend always wants to see the positive in people. Anyway, this man was using crack and my boyfriend was hanging around him. My boyfriend began drinking more after when moved in together and usually w/alcohol comes the crack if you've ever been a user. I told him I didn't think it was a good idea for him to hang around his sister's boyfriend since he was an ex-addict. But I guess he thought after 10 yrs he was super strong, and for all I know it may have not been a complete 10 yrs of being clean he may have had some slip-ups that he has not been honest about. I just don't know what to do. I love him dearly and he is everthing I want in a man and he loves me for me and I just can't comprehend this. He talks about his issue w/making $7.60/hr after coming from a job of making over $23/hr, I explained to him that was an accident (he got his thumb cut off on a machine). He has not seen his kids (they are all grown) in about 3yrs. I think the pressure of being in a relationship w/bills along w/hanging around his sister's boyfrined whom again was using crack sent him back to using. The sister's boyfriend to my knowledge hasn't been using because he was arrested for domestic violence and had to attend drug counseling in jail. My thing w/that is it was forced and not on the person's on will and may or may not be subject to use again. I just don't know what to do at this point in my life w/the exception of not enabling him, I WILL NOT give him my bank card, it is very well hidden, I WILL NOT take another trip to the liquor store w/my money or will not drive him to the liquor store money he uses will be borrowed from someone else.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: AZ
Posts: 19
WOW! The house to myself until 4 PM! Whoop!
Abf went back to work today. He finally got the doctors statement, which I found very interesting. The doctor has him on call for pee tests as well as requiring him to turn in sheets from meetings. Failure to do both of those things will result in a report to his boss. He seems totally ok with these requirements, so, I'm back to being confused about whether he's using again or not. But, I have been really getting that IT IS OUT OF MY HANDS. And I'm OK with that.
Right now, the problems of daily life are slowly being solved. One issue at a time, crossing them off my list. Food, fuel, vehicle. He rented a car for now, and I'm still working on getting the 4 wheel drive on the road. This Wednesday he's got a colonoscopy scheduled, which I have to take him to. Although the tech will probably have to remove his head from his a** before they can get the camera up there. LMAO - I just couldn't resist that one.
I guess due to my acceptance of those things that are out of my hands and not my problem, I don't have much to complain about, lol. I don't control him - only me. So, I do what I have to do for me and the girls. I've even allowed myself to remember that Christmas is coming fast. That thought sent me into a panic not too long ago and I kind of blocked it out. Now, I'm tackling that issue by starting lists for the kids, trying to work out a $$$ plan to be able to get thru the holiday on a shoestring. Slowly, slowly. Lists - I love them! They make my life manageable. They give me a focus and incite me to a plan of action. Even if I don't have all the answers right away, or even if one solution takes me to a brick wall and I have to start over again and do something differently, I still feel OK about it. Not as hopeless as I was feeling not too long ago. Things are rough right now, and they may be for a long while to come, but knowing the difference between what is "mine" and what isn't makes things easier to wade thru.
And now, I'm going to go enjoy my empty house!!
Abf went back to work today. He finally got the doctors statement, which I found very interesting. The doctor has him on call for pee tests as well as requiring him to turn in sheets from meetings. Failure to do both of those things will result in a report to his boss. He seems totally ok with these requirements, so, I'm back to being confused about whether he's using again or not. But, I have been really getting that IT IS OUT OF MY HANDS. And I'm OK with that.
Right now, the problems of daily life are slowly being solved. One issue at a time, crossing them off my list. Food, fuel, vehicle. He rented a car for now, and I'm still working on getting the 4 wheel drive on the road. This Wednesday he's got a colonoscopy scheduled, which I have to take him to. Although the tech will probably have to remove his head from his a** before they can get the camera up there. LMAO - I just couldn't resist that one.
I guess due to my acceptance of those things that are out of my hands and not my problem, I don't have much to complain about, lol. I don't control him - only me. So, I do what I have to do for me and the girls. I've even allowed myself to remember that Christmas is coming fast. That thought sent me into a panic not too long ago and I kind of blocked it out. Now, I'm tackling that issue by starting lists for the kids, trying to work out a $$$ plan to be able to get thru the holiday on a shoestring. Slowly, slowly. Lists - I love them! They make my life manageable. They give me a focus and incite me to a plan of action. Even if I don't have all the answers right away, or even if one solution takes me to a brick wall and I have to start over again and do something differently, I still feel OK about it. Not as hopeless as I was feeling not too long ago. Things are rough right now, and they may be for a long while to come, but knowing the difference between what is "mine" and what isn't makes things easier to wade thru.
And now, I'm going to go enjoy my empty house!!
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by Cee
I love him dearly and he is everthing I want in a man and he loves me for me and I just can't comprehend this.
He is under the influence of a powerful drug. There is no room for anyone else.
He put himself in a position of proximity to this drug.
Your credit card is safer than your heart.
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: South Texas
Posts: 41
Try calling "211." It's an information line regarding the local non-profit agencies in your area that may be able to help with necessities. Just like dialing 411 for telephone info, you just ask the "operator" if they can help you locate assistance for utilties, food, child care, counseling services etc that are normally provided at no charge. Worth a shot Good luck to you!
Good luck to you!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: AZ
Posts: 19
Updating
I'm back. 
ABF has fallen further. He got fired from his job of 10 years around the 20th of November. Last night admitted to me he is now using cocaine. And, he's also been drinking. He's got the police looking for him (they've been here 3 times); they've come to repo his car twice (it's hidden in the garage and they aren't allowed to go in, which is the only reason it's still here).
Sigh. I'm struggling to stay sane. I know it's going to come to me bolting with the kids. I can feel it in my bones. And, not that I am against leaving him, I just don't want to do it half-as*sed.
I treat him horribly. I am cold, mean, nasty, sarcastic, viciously defensive. I can't help myself. I can't find it in myself to treat him "nicely" or with any kind of compassion. I look at him and am disgusted by what I see. Why do I have these feelings? Is this normal? I mean, I don't want to see him dead or anything, I'm sure underneath all of these negative feelings, I really do want to see him get better, but, I can't make myself even say one nice, supportive thing to him.
Over the years, I've heard so many lies, learned about so many other women; been let down and left to raise three kids on my own. I think I've finally crossed over to the dark side.
One of my earlier posts I stated that I would push him off the cliff if it came down to a him or me situation. Days I struggle with feeling like I should call the cops on him myself just to get him out of here and away from us. Other days, I feel guilty when his manipulative ways instill the fear in me that he will kill himself. Or when he says "MY" behavior isn't helping him any. He'll demand I sit and talk with him - tells me he needs my help to get thru this. He keeps asking me for "help" - but I know I can't help him. Only he can help himself. Besides, I don't know to help him. I know being a vicious b!tch doesn't help, but it's all I know how to be anymore.
I looked at his phone this morning - first time in months. Nothing but talk between him & dealers about drugs and then texts from other women about wanting to sleep with him; his ex wanting to get back together. I don't know why I looked. I guess maybe just confirmation of what I already suspected to be true. And now I know how it's going to go. He'll get up, say he's got to go somewhere, we'll fight, I'll throw it in his face that I looked at his phone and know what I know. He'll leave for 4, 6, 8 hours. I'll be stuck here with no vehicle, no money - just my thoughts and my own messed up mind. Then the "wishing" will start...
I wish I knew how to break out of this cycle. I wish I could pack up the kids and leave and never come back. I hate this person I've become. I hate being so bitter and angry ALL THE TIME. Every morning I wake up thinking "I hate my life." One of these days, God will punish me for saying that, I know He will. I wish I could stop saying it and feeling it. I wish I could be nice, and happy, and supportive, and try to find something positive to work for instead of this total despair. I hate being the way that I am. However, I am only this way with him.
I feel such utter hatred for myself at allowing this to happen to the kids and I. I'm at fault for my own 50% of this mess and now the kids are paying for it. I wonder why did I think it was so important to fight for our family all these years? Why did I try to stand by him for so long? Then I remember how he so deftly lied and manipulated me and I remember that I made decisions based on his total fabrications. And that's part of how I got here. And here is Hell. Now, HOW do I get out of here???
ABF has fallen further. He got fired from his job of 10 years around the 20th of November. Last night admitted to me he is now using cocaine. And, he's also been drinking. He's got the police looking for him (they've been here 3 times); they've come to repo his car twice (it's hidden in the garage and they aren't allowed to go in, which is the only reason it's still here). Sigh. I'm struggling to stay sane. I know it's going to come to me bolting with the kids. I can feel it in my bones. And, not that I am against leaving him, I just don't want to do it half-as*sed.
I treat him horribly. I am cold, mean, nasty, sarcastic, viciously defensive. I can't help myself. I can't find it in myself to treat him "nicely" or with any kind of compassion. I look at him and am disgusted by what I see. Why do I have these feelings? Is this normal? I mean, I don't want to see him dead or anything, I'm sure underneath all of these negative feelings, I really do want to see him get better, but, I can't make myself even say one nice, supportive thing to him.
Over the years, I've heard so many lies, learned about so many other women; been let down and left to raise three kids on my own. I think I've finally crossed over to the dark side.
One of my earlier posts I stated that I would push him off the cliff if it came down to a him or me situation. Days I struggle with feeling like I should call the cops on him myself just to get him out of here and away from us. Other days, I feel guilty when his manipulative ways instill the fear in me that he will kill himself. Or when he says "MY" behavior isn't helping him any. He'll demand I sit and talk with him - tells me he needs my help to get thru this. He keeps asking me for "help" - but I know I can't help him. Only he can help himself. Besides, I don't know to help him. I know being a vicious b!tch doesn't help, but it's all I know how to be anymore.
I looked at his phone this morning - first time in months. Nothing but talk between him & dealers about drugs and then texts from other women about wanting to sleep with him; his ex wanting to get back together. I don't know why I looked. I guess maybe just confirmation of what I already suspected to be true. And now I know how it's going to go. He'll get up, say he's got to go somewhere, we'll fight, I'll throw it in his face that I looked at his phone and know what I know. He'll leave for 4, 6, 8 hours. I'll be stuck here with no vehicle, no money - just my thoughts and my own messed up mind. Then the "wishing" will start...
I wish I knew how to break out of this cycle. I wish I could pack up the kids and leave and never come back. I hate this person I've become. I hate being so bitter and angry ALL THE TIME. Every morning I wake up thinking "I hate my life." One of these days, God will punish me for saying that, I know He will. I wish I could stop saying it and feeling it. I wish I could be nice, and happy, and supportive, and try to find something positive to work for instead of this total despair. I hate being the way that I am. However, I am only this way with him.
I feel such utter hatred for myself at allowing this to happen to the kids and I. I'm at fault for my own 50% of this mess and now the kids are paying for it. I wonder why did I think it was so important to fight for our family all these years? Why did I try to stand by him for so long? Then I remember how he so deftly lied and manipulated me and I remember that I made decisions based on his total fabrications. And that's part of how I got here. And here is Hell. Now, HOW do I get out of here???
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