LostInTheWorld

So, after 2.5 years of putting up with his lies, stealing, cheating, manipulating.... I tried to talk to him about how I really feel, and I have been for quite some time, and all I got was "stop b*****ing at me, yeaa... yeah....yeahhhhh... " slam of door. I've gotten tired of his attitude, tired of his lies, tired of him owing me massive amounts of money... tired of him. So, I finally this evening and did things I regret, and things I don't regret. I regret losing it with him, but I don't regret what came next. I silently took all his belongings, and set it outside the door (along with his pants, he was only in his boxers hahaha).

I'm tired of everything being ruined by his addiction, when was it going to be time to say "Ok, my needs are more important, your daughter's, my son's...etc"? I've made the promise to myself that, I will no longer be there to catch him when he falls, I will no longer be there to cushion his landing, and I will no longer have contact with him, whether for his daughter or not.

I don't want to cry, I want to scream at him and tell him what a sorry excuse of a human being he is. I want to ask him if this is what he truly wants for the rest of his life, to be able to look back and say "the only thing I accomplished in life, was being an addict"? It sure isn't what I'd like to look back and say!

Sorry... had to get some stuff off my chest. Thanks for listening

cece1960

I'm sorry Lost, I know hitting this point is tough. But sometimes it can be a point of clarity...enough is enough.

I have to ask...where is he in his boxers?

Think of you and the kids right now. His addiction is his, and he will have to figure out what comes next for him.

It gets better, if you let it.

(((Hugs)))

rayofsunshine

Good for you for taking action. Stay strong. The addict will try to sweet talk you
and say everything you want to hear to get back in. It's hard, but you are doing
what's needed for your sanity and for the kids involved. I remember trying to have rational conversations about MY feelings with my exAH many times... never did we have a rational normal conversation. I got the stop B**ching stuff too and sometimes he could even turn that into an argument so he could stomp out of the house and leave to go use.

Our feelings do matter and YOU are worth being treated with love and respect. Stick to your boundaries and keep reading and posting. We are here to listen!

LostInTheWorld

Cece - he went into the hallway and got dressed.. after that, I care very little where he actually went. I made sure to give him the broken hamper, lol It doesn't really hurt.. it more so bothers me. I want to cut all ties, completely from him. I hate everything he stands for, and i suppose within a few days this feeling will subside but... the memories won't and that's what will keep me away.

LostInTheWorld

So I was up until 3:00 am (having to get up at 6:30, argh) tossing, and turning and thinking. The only way I got to sleep was to keep telling myself "It's ok, you're doing this for you and your kids, stop thinking about him". My mind kept telling me to get up and go write his mom and dad and beg them to let him hit rock bottom. I kept going over it over and over and over in my mind... how I would tell them everything, and they would hate me, (because they already don't like me) and that I would beg for them to listen to me, just this once. But this morning, I decided that I wouldn't, because it's everyone else's decision just how much they choose to kill him.

Seren

I'm so sorry for the lost sleep!!! Don't worry about him. He will be fine......humans are very resourceful! You did what you needed to do for yourself and for your kids!!! Good for you!!!

You have a bright, shiny, future free from drama, lies, cheating, manipulation. Enjoy the peace and serenity!

Hugs, HG

cessy68

I know the urge.... but 'telling on' the addict in our life dosen't ever change anything. They hold PhD's in manipulation.... why put yourself in a position to have someone else validate him/blame you, and get you further wrapped around the axel?

Just shut off the phone, put down the pen, stay away from writing an email on the computer, and enjoy your new-found peace and quite. Enough with him/them/ and all of the b.s.

You just made huge progress..... don't get tempted to engage with his issues from a different angle... (ie; his parents/kids/friends etc.)

Congrats for standing up for you!!!:ghug3

Love,
cess

LostInTheWorld

Cessy... believe it or not, what got me through and brought me to this decision was the "What Addicts Do" writing. It made me realize a lot, that it wasn't just a temporary thing and that *I* am worth all the trouble and effort I put into Rob, and if he can't give that to me, then he just isn't that one!

Daisy09

Hi Lost,

Just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you and wishing you and your babies all the best.

(((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))

Daisy

LostInTheWorld

AHA! While talking with another member who was confused why I let go because if you love someone you fight and fight for them... but I said something that actually was clear as mud! "So.. if you and I were swimming, and you knew I could swim if I just stopped being stubborn.. and you fought and fought and fought to keep me afloat, but... we were both sinking terribly.. would you a) try and try and try until we both drowned, or... would you let go and save yourself." sorry.. it was an AHA moment that kinda will be nice to look back on whenever I feel like I miss him, lol.

URMYEVERYTHING

Good analogy Lost.... Would you jump into the water and rescue someone when you know you will drown as well because YOU CAN'T SWIM??

Same thing with the addicts.... we can either join them or leave them be until they are able to function. If we join them, we are sure to drown, use ourselves, lose ourselves or die trying to save them.

Sorry you had such a rough night... I remember my night of tossing and turning.

teke

hi lost, i agree with you and the others. i think you are doing what is best for you and the kids. allow him to suffer the consequences of his own actions without dragging you with him. as for the parents, i also agree with you. let them figure it out for themselves. i tried that with my mil and it only made matters worse for me when it came to them and their son.

enjoy the peace you have for now, like someone said earlier, he'll probably try to change your mind sooner than you may think, so prepare yourself and stand firm. you are in my prayers.

nytepassion

You can't rescue someone who doesn't want to be saved. So you have two choices. Stay and go down with them or swim for your life.

You made the right decision. I applaud you.

Hugs and prayers for you and your children,
Passion

Serenity Bound

Lost, You did good, hang in there and each day will get easier. More & more AHA moments to come. I just love those AHA moments. Actually just had one myself.

Hugs,
Chris

LostInTheWorld

It's been just a bit over 24 hours now... and it's starting to sink in, and hurt. Looking at my daughter should never bring tears... but always smiles; but.. that's not the way it is this evening. Her smile breaks my heart so deeply, her eyes make me turn away.... why, why couldn't i make it work? I know why; because there was literally nothing else i could do for him, short of getting him arrested which in the end wouldn't help anyways. There was no more i could do, but her eyes are piercing, as if it is my fault we ont have a family together anymore.. "great, another broken family, wtg mom.."

Learn2Live

Dear LostInTheWorld,

Stick to your guns. Everything will be okay. You have momentum now, so keep focused. Don't look back, don't look side-to-side. You have to keep your focus STRAIGHT AHEAD. K? You can do this. Don't let your feelings and emotions and sentiments sidetrack you. Because you let them sidetrack you a little and then the next thing you know you're waking up and he's asleep next to you! When you look at your daughter and you feel your heart breaking, jump up and do the dishes! Or take out the trash! Or anything other than wallow in your broken heart. K?

There is no fault. It doesn't exist. There is no one and no thing to blame. Gotta' stop thinking that way, in those terms. When you start feeling the guilt (i.e.,. blaming yourself) about ANYTHING you have to STOP IT and DROP IT. Stomp it out. Get rid of it. Guilt is poison and it will drag you through the dirt and the mud and the garbage. Change your thinking, change your life.

cessy68

My therapist wrote a note to me one day on the back of his business card, it was surrounding those feelings you just described, where I felt guilty and blamed myself, the 'coulda - shoulda- woulda' game, of how I could have done it differnt, better, etc.

So, he handed it to me, and told me to look at it, everytime my abf would try to twist things onto me, or when I doubted myself. It said: I AM NOT THE PROBLEM.

Simple as that.

Say this to youself, over and over, I AM NOT THE PROBLEM.

It's really that basic. Granted, it takes a long time for it to sink in, but every tid-bit of help or insight I've recieved over the past year has impacted/helped me.

I hope this helps, even just a tiny wee bit.............

Love,
Cess

ItsmeAlice

As terrible as you may feel, how terrible would you feel a year from now when another year has gone by and nothing has changed??

I try to remind myself that while I have abruptly changed my life, I really haven't changed much for my pets or my other family members. You see, before I left my XABF the only thing he spent time doing was working (which he was starting to have difficulty doing) and drinking. He was barely involved with my life, the pets, the daily workings of the household, and wasn't in contact with either his family or mine. I did all the day to day stuff, handled all the holidays, and dealt with all the big decisions alone. What I received from him in this regard was mostly drunken rants about how horrible holidays are, how his life sucks, and nothing is ever cleared through him. I certainly tried, but there's no debating him.

Are you really changing that much? What are you taking away, a man who was once her Dad and now struggles with addiction?

Alice

LostInTheWorld

I was able to call my mom, as she didn't know what had happened last night and get MAD about how he cares so little, rather than blaming me which was really good stress reliever and, I've already made some new, old friends and made some exciting plans for this weekend.. honestly, I feel... weight lifted right now. It's so strange, one moment you feel.. ahhhh, so free.. the next, you feel, so deceitful, so wrong...etc. I was so mad.. HOW how could someone not care they were going no where in life? How can an inadequate little lifeless pill, mean more than people? Is his life really that bad that he has to run? Isn't there SOMETHING somewhere, worth living sober for...etc, all questions I'm SO mad about...

cherrie1

Congratulations you finally hit your bottom. The only way to go is up. As you know living with an addict is no life. It hurts now but it will get better. Stay strong. I don't think we will ever understand why they don't stop, but it is not our problem it is theirs.
Best of luck!!!