sailorjohn

Have a friend/acquaintance that I've had a falling out with, said some unfortunate things-true or not-about his alcoholic girlfriend, not in recovery.

He'd been to Alanon, I know the gf fairly well from AA, didn't know it at the time but watched her give an open talk and collect a year token, she never made the year, had been drinking per her usual pattern the whole time. The bf and I have had the talk about her drinking and his enabling-he thinks he's unique, like me! on more than one occasion, I watched her get absolutely hammered during a delivery earlier in the season, she was driving even the heavy drinkers on the boat nuts, asking for more beer at 1:30am when everyone just wanted to go to sleep.

Just before the last race of the season, I go down to the boat, and lost my cool when I discovered she would be racing with us, told some of the other crew and skipper that I couldn't stand this person and would appreciate being notified in advance if she was going to be racing with us, she's obnoxious, I don't like her, she talks non-stop, blah, blah, blah. She may or may not have overheard me.

I had that flash tonight, what was really bothering me. Every time I see them together, I have to look at my relationship with the addict in my life, and I don't like being reminded. Have to apologize to my buddy, but I think I'll leave out this flash of insight.

Ann

It strikes me that having someone drunk on the crew could be dangerous for everyone, so expressing your concern was not out of line from where I sit.

As to what she claims and how he feels about it is between them, yes? I know it annoys me to watch someone I care about go through what I have been through myself, and I understand the trigger. But we cannot change how others handle addiction, no matter what side they are on.

Just keep doing what is right for you, and remember that you have a choice of whether you need to be involved or not in the lives of those who still struggle.

Hugs

laurie6781

Years ago, I did a lot of sailing on Lake Michigan, in my very early stages of alcoholism. I remember being caught in some nasty storms, where down in the galley my butt was braced on one set of cabinets across from the stove, in order to hold the coffee pot on the stove. I like Ann believe now that someone who is drinking should NOT be on a sail boat at all and especially in a race.

Now as to this:

I believe telling him your flash of insight will be good for both of you. He just might start to see that you were at where he is now, and he might not. Acknowledging and apoligizing for what you said is a GOOD thing. Whether he accepts the apology or not is up to him.

You have gone through a lot ............................. your own recovery from addiction, so you can honestly see yourself in her actions, and your recovery from being a co-dependent. You are still working on both. This couple reminds you a lot of yourself and your own situations at various time in your recovery. Yes, you 'lashed' out, yes you made another feel bad, yes you did a Step 10, and now you are going to do a Step 9. This is PROGRESS. Remember "Progress not Perfection."

Looks to me like that is exactly what is going on. You are still learning, we are all still learning. Very good progress in my book.

Keep up the good work.

Thank you for sharing this, I know it was very hard to do.

Love and hugs,

cessy68

Hey there SJ,

I don't think that allowing someone to know why you act or react a certain way is a bad thing-- actually quite the opposite. It allows someone to know, that your words come from your own 'stuff' and that if that is acceptable to them... then tha is fine. However, because of your own issues, it becomes uncomfortable for YOU to be around.

This allows you to set your own boundries, and tells someone your harsh words come from your own experiences, and allows them to understand you better.

Boating saftey is a seperate issue. I know when I went back to bartending this year, that it became difficult for me to see people (who I know are ruining their home life) by staying 'out' at a bar...... I had to let it go. I realized that there are thousands and thousands of bars at every street corner in the country.... if they wern't in front of me, they'd be somewhere else; it simply isn't my business.

When I see people I care about engaging in distructive behvior, it is difficult for me as well.......... but I am working on letting it go. Heck, I know I'm not perfect, and only I can change my short-commings. Same goes for them. The only thing we can do is continue to be honest with ourselves, as well as those we care about.

Love,
Cess

sailorjohn

Well, I talked with my friend today and it went well, I did end up telling him and he related 100%. And while I was thinking about it earlier today, the other thing that bugged me about her, she drinks a lot like I used to.

I was the guy up drinking all night before the big race!

And the safety thing, these guys don't get hammered during the races, just after.

My friend and I are going to go out for Thai this week after he gets off work, think I'll try to keep the subject off relationships!

cessy68

Hope that works for you................ unfortunately, most peoples lives are based in 'relationships'....

Perhaps you can focus on how to keep your relationship with him in tact.....
(meaning w/out issue surrounding drugs/alcohol/dysfucntional others/ etc.)

I'm glad you feel some peace................

love,
Cess