BohemiMamaof3

I have been slowly letting the fantasy I have about my Addicted Loved One die. What good is it to harbor a fantasy that is not rooted in reality? There is a difference in hope and fantasy, and I think for a long time maybe I have blurred the lines between the two and it hasn't been helpful.


For a long time, in the back of my mind I had this dream that my ALO would recover things would get back to normal (whatever that is) and we'd be some sort of regular family again. Maybe we'd even open a restaurant together. We'd have happy Thanksgivings and Merry Christmases around a table that would make Norman Rockwell proud. My ALO would have their zest for life restored and become a productive and upstanding member of society and our family. We'd all be reasonably happy together.

The truth is, I needed a HUGE reality check. Things could never get back to normal because they were never "normal" to begin with. The fantasy I held was my very own fantasy, no one else shared it with me. I never bothered to really consider if this fantasy was the same dream anyone else shared. Rather it was just some thing that I harbored in my own mind, assuming that there was some level of familial sympatico. Never mind that my ALO was too entrenched in their own life and pursuits to share or discuss such a dream. I think I thought something like one day my ALO would wake up after being healed and clean and sober of their addictions and think, "Aha! Back I go to the bosom of my faithful family and we shall all build an idyllic life together!" I never really took into full consideration that my ALO has their own dreams and plans, and family life was not a priority for them. And that even now, in the throes of their addictions, they are a bonna-fide adult who has a right to live their own life. You can't make someone feel a love and attachment that simply isn't there for them. Everyone has different priorities and goals in life, it doesn't necessarily make them right or wrong. They simply have different preferences.

I was confusing my hope that they will one day recover with my own fantasy of what I thought their recovery should look like. Instead, now I am learning that my hope is that they will recover and find their own version of a happy, sane and sober life, and that life may or may not include me. And that's OK. I pray for and wish them well in it.

Anyway, just some thoughts I've been blogging about.

rayofsunshine

Thank you. Lightbulb moment!! I'd never thought about my life with ALO exactly this way,
but reality is, it was so similar to what you wrote. I will reflect on this some more...

teke

i was thinking the same thing, " lightbulb moment" now that you are there, i pray that it gets easier from here. all of you are in my prayers.

IPT

I think I wrote a post a while back with nearly the same title. A little different in the details but similar enough for me to relate pretty well. It's been months now and I am a light year away from where I was. She still pops into my head, but my life has evolved immensly in tons of ways. It was a rough road but I have learned a lot on the journey. The first step IS accepting reality, not what we want or hope to have. The strange thing is for so long I never even realized I wasn't dealing with reality. Crazy stuff.

BohemiMamaof3

IPT can you link your post please? I'd love to read it.

cassandra2

Mama this is the exact point (looking back) that I started to get better. I guess after the many stages of denial I really began to see that maybe just maybe some of the people on this forum knew just a little bit more then I did about addiction.

When I stopped the magical thinking I could think clearly for MYSELF and start to think of MYSELF and getting MYSELF better.

Dreams never DIE they are just REBORN.

BohemiMamaof3

I love everything you wrote, but I especially love that!

imallright

Dreams never DIE they are just REBORN.

I love this quote. I needed it this morning. Have had a few rough days and feeling down lately. Wow. I love this. I feel like I have spent a ton of time saying and thinking that he/I ruined my life. I have said that and had flashes/glimpses of.... "wait, you still have the rest of it... don't worry about what has taken place, focus on what could happen." (This is when I have a good day/moment, mind you) : )

So, seeing this quote today helped me to one more time think about I have every moment I am given today to make my life what I want... if it doesn't happen, it wasn't meant to and you know what, I can start over again every minute of every day if I want!

So thank you and here's to letting life happen and enjoying it the best way we can!

kingston

from a previous post:

"Yesterday I woke up to a very clear new understanding. The man I loved
was not the man I married and lived with every day. The man I loved
was "my dream." The "dream husband" was loving, considerate, and
always there for me. The "real husband" was manipulative, abusive
(emotionally and psychologically), and very selfish. But I'd lived
life everyday with the dream controlling my thoughts, my feelings, my
reactions, even my memories. I rationalized and justified everything
based on my dream. I wasn't loving my "real husband", I was loving my
"dream husband". Somehow I was sure the dream was or would be the
reality. This wasn't fair to either of us. I wasn't loving him. I was
loving "potential" - some figment of my own imaginings. A dream. It
was all a dream.

I feel the dull ache in the pit of my stomach, however I know the
truth and it will deliver me, it will set me free. The ache in the pit
of my stomach is there because "my husband" (the dream) has died, but
my heart is still fighting against believing it. When someone really
close to you dies physically, you are in shock. You find yourself
waiting for them to come walking through the door or call you up and
let you know it was all just a silly mix-up. But just like everyone
else who's lost someone they love to death, I know that won't happen.
And thus the ache deepens. Just like others, I need to pull myself
together and plan the funeral and work through the process of
grieving. I don't want to put it off for too long, but I know I'm not
ready yet.

So this is the start of the end. I will no longer live my life based
on dreams for others, or based on their potential. I cannot love
someone if I'm only after their potential. I need to love REAL people.
Right where they are at today. Not where they could be (or where they
should be, as my codependency says)."

LostInTheWorld

it makes so much sense... thank you.

sojourner

It always amazes me when married couples go on with their marriage after the addict finds recovery because of the very thing you talked about. I know in my case, i realized that we had not bonded to each other the way that was necessary in order to get through those tough times of active use and then active recovery.

Whatever the errors in thinking i had with my magical thinking, he had errors in thinking also. And i think (at least i want to believe) that he grieved the ending of our relationship too.

sojourner

sailorjohn

Wow. You've been looking over my shoulder.

Thanks, saved this as a document, BohemiMamaof3tellingmystory.