onlyliveonce

I don't understand why I'm starting to think about the "good" him when there is nothing left that is good. I guess I'm just having an off day. We will be divorced in 3 weeks - yes I'm on a countdown and he sits in jail along with his CW for serious, serious charges. I have no contact with him unless I write him a letter. Haven't heard from him in about 5-6 weeks (I lost count) so I don't know what's going on with him. One thing for sure it is nice for him not to have a way to contact me besides letters. That time for me has been healing and still is. I'm realizing alot of things about myself but for some reason I still think about him ALOT. I don't tell anyone except you guys cause if my family heard that they would probably drag me off to a psychiatrist, no kidding!!

Today earlier I just went "off the chain" in my thinking about him. He is not the man I married 18 years ago and that man will never come back. I'm actually realizing now he wasn't that great to begin with but I settled for many years in hopes that he could get his life straight. He hasn't and I know if he wasn't in jail he's still be doing his S**T on the streets. Maybe he quit writing because he saw the door is closed. When he first went in I wrote him a couple of letters that I'm sure was hard to read but it was all the truth wheteher he wants to admit it or not. He is a bad father and husband.Our teenged son has nothing to do with him and considers his dad a loser. How sad!!!

I know I will never get back with him and I feel like I've let go but if I have then why the hell is he still on my mind so heavily??? I feel like I'm not able to focus "COMPLETELY" on myself because I still think about him. Maybe I'm just feeling sorry for the situtation he has himself in. He's really done it this time and is most probably looking at some prison time and that makes me sad. Why is that making ME sad?? I was divorcing him before all this happened so this really had nothing to do with it. We have one son and all I want is sole and full custody of him. He is the best thing that come from this.

I accepted things for way to long that aren't even acceptable. Does that make sense? I have done things for and with this man and none of it mattered. I used to think there was something special about the two of us, but it isn't. He's had alcohol/drug/gambling/porn issues for a long time and all of it to me is sickening now. Actually, as I'm sitting here writing this I can feel my "STRONG" side coming back. I don't regret being with him because I've learned many, many valuable lessons from him about alot of things that will serve me well for my future. We play by my rules now and if he doesn't want to play that's fine too. I think he's probably moved on to try to find another enabler or whatever. He's always looking to use people. Works for me I have nothing left to give him, he's had it all along with many opportunities and chances to get it right. He doesn't realize what an impact he's had on son and I and probably never will. Son and I will continue on and enjoy life now with that toxic person away from us!! It's almost a blessing for all of us(community too) that he's locked up. On that crack and alcohol he is very unpredictable!!

Anyway I'm just trying to figure out why I even still think about him or his situtation?? I work full-time and go to school full-time but he's always in the back of my mind. Wonder when my heart is gonna completely follow my head?? I guess I'm thinking about him more than I think I should be thinking about him considering the circumtances.

I've asked son if he wants to talk to dad or wants to know anthing about him and the answer is always no. God I hope he never feels that way about me!! Son is almost 15 and he;s no dummy as to what's going on with dad but one day dad will have to deal with that fallout. I actually made the decision when I made him leave this last time that if he wasn't sober or if it wasn't beneficial for son he would have no contact also. When he was out he talked to dad on the phome cause he was never sober or straight long enough for him to see him so it's been awhile since he's seen him. He hsn't talked to him since he's been locked up. I don't belive son is gonna want to go visit at jail either and it would be of no benefit to son, only H so we don't visit either. That's a little hard cause son and I are his only family in this state. I haven't told son what is going on with dad right now cause the only thing to tell is that he's in jail AGAIN. I suppose when I know something more concrete about what will be happening with him I'll tell son. Son knows he's on a need to know basis, and when he needs to know something, I'll tell him. It works for us and doesn't overload son. He just started high school this year so I have my hands full!! He also just got braces and I'm very happy to be able to do that for him

Just wanted to get it all out and see if anyone has any wisdom or guidance. Thanks for listening.

Ann

I think that perhaps you are grieving the loss of the man you used to know, who is no more. You don't miss the active addict, but maybe you miss what used to be and the loss of your dreams?

Many of us here go through a grief process that is painful yet confusing because it's not grief for a death, but for the end of something we cherished.

Work through the pain, maybe have your own little grief ceremony as you might for the death of a loved one, and light a candle when you are done as a symbol of better things to come for you and your child.

Sending hugs of condolence