Needing to "kick out" my AS
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 71
Needing to "kick out" my AS
Soooo...
After this roller coaster ride we have been living with our 19 yr old AS...we now know we need to let him go on his own. He has no $, no job, no car or DL and no where to go.
We have tried twice in the past few months... only to have him return the next day.....
As parents....how do you do it?
After this roller coaster ride we have been living with our 19 yr old AS...we now know we need to let him go on his own. He has no $, no job, no car or DL and no where to go.
We have tried twice in the past few months... only to have him return the next day.....
As parents....how do you do it?
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Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
(((((WIworrier)))))
Welcome to Sober Recovery. I am glad that you have found us, but very sorry for the reason why.
I am in recovery for a very long time now. Over 28 years clean and sober and over 25 years in Al-Anon for my 'codie' side.
I am originally from Wisconsin, here is a bit of my story:
Now when my folks did that, they had already moved to Florida, however had continued to 'bail me out' of troubles that I got into in and around Milwaukee. I also had a sister living in the area.
I drove them literrally INSANE. They had no other recourse left if they wanted to continue to function to some degree on a daily basis.
Once I found recovery, my only regret was that they hadn't done what they did years sooner than they did.
I know it is hard, very hard, but he has to 'feel' the consequences of his actions, and that will not happen while he is living with mommy and daddy.
If you are not in the Milwaukee area, buy him a bus ticket and put him on the bus to Milwaukee, there when he is ready he will find the Salvation Army which has an excellent Recovery Program and it is FREE.
If you are in the Milwaukee area, give him the address and phone number of the Salvation Army and explain he is no longer welcome. Period. No arguing.
Now for you, I would suggest you get a copy of Co Dependent No More by Melodie Beattie, it is very reasonable on Amazon.com, maybe try some Al-Anon meetings, at least 6 different ones to find the ones you are comfortable in, or one on one counseling. This is not an easy road you are on, but it is doable. Al-Anon will give you face to face support with other who have gone through what you are going through or are going through it. It will give you strength. One on one therapy with someone specializing in addiction can also be a big help and your county health department might be able to find you one on a sliding scale fee basis.
One of the first things you will learn in Al-Anon is The 3 C's:
You didn't CAUSE this.
You can't CONTROL this.
You can't CURE this.
On top of that Al-Anon will help you to learn how to set 'boundaries' and stick with those boundaries.
This is not an easy road, and we are here for you. You can vent here, rant, rave, scream, cry and yes even laugh here.
We have many here with lots of Experience, Strength and Hope (ES&H) ready to share with you what worked for them.
Please, keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing as we do care so very much.
We will walk with you through this in spirit.
Again. WELCOME.
Love and hugs,
Welcome to Sober Recovery. I am glad that you have found us, but very sorry for the reason why.
I am in recovery for a very long time now. Over 28 years clean and sober and over 25 years in Al-Anon for my 'codie' side.
I am originally from Wisconsin, here is a bit of my story:
In January of ’79 (when I was 33 ½ years old) my family told me NO MORE. They would no longer help me in any way. If I called they would hang up, if I came to the door it would be closed in my face and if I tried to steal from them they would call the police. It was MY PROBLEM and I had to deal with it, they could not.
Later after being in recovery for several years, my mother finally shared with me that had they not shut the door on me, they felt they were all going to end up, locked up in a padded cell in an institution.
Well with that pronouncement, my attitude was F you. I did a geographic and moved 3000 miles away from them to California. It took me another 2 and ½ years to find recovery and the last year and a half I lived on the streets of Hollyweird.
I can tell you today that the BEST THING MY FAMILY ever did for me was to SHUT THE DOOR ON ME as they did.
Later after being in recovery for several years, my mother finally shared with me that had they not shut the door on me, they felt they were all going to end up, locked up in a padded cell in an institution.
Well with that pronouncement, my attitude was F you. I did a geographic and moved 3000 miles away from them to California. It took me another 2 and ½ years to find recovery and the last year and a half I lived on the streets of Hollyweird.
I can tell you today that the BEST THING MY FAMILY ever did for me was to SHUT THE DOOR ON ME as they did.
I drove them literrally INSANE. They had no other recourse left if they wanted to continue to function to some degree on a daily basis.
Once I found recovery, my only regret was that they hadn't done what they did years sooner than they did.
I know it is hard, very hard, but he has to 'feel' the consequences of his actions, and that will not happen while he is living with mommy and daddy.
If you are not in the Milwaukee area, buy him a bus ticket and put him on the bus to Milwaukee, there when he is ready he will find the Salvation Army which has an excellent Recovery Program and it is FREE.
If you are in the Milwaukee area, give him the address and phone number of the Salvation Army and explain he is no longer welcome. Period. No arguing.
Now for you, I would suggest you get a copy of Co Dependent No More by Melodie Beattie, it is very reasonable on Amazon.com, maybe try some Al-Anon meetings, at least 6 different ones to find the ones you are comfortable in, or one on one counseling. This is not an easy road you are on, but it is doable. Al-Anon will give you face to face support with other who have gone through what you are going through or are going through it. It will give you strength. One on one therapy with someone specializing in addiction can also be a big help and your county health department might be able to find you one on a sliding scale fee basis.
One of the first things you will learn in Al-Anon is The 3 C's:
You didn't CAUSE this.
You can't CONTROL this.
You can't CURE this.
On top of that Al-Anon will help you to learn how to set 'boundaries' and stick with those boundaries.
This is not an easy road, and we are here for you. You can vent here, rant, rave, scream, cry and yes even laugh here.
We have many here with lots of Experience, Strength and Hope (ES&H) ready to share with you what worked for them.
Please, keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing as we do care so very much.
We will walk with you through this in spirit.
Again. WELCOME.
Love and hugs,
Member
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Virginia gal
Posts: 132
Dear WI, I am a parent of AD. I know just what you are going thru. I wonder if you have reached your bottom yet. I know it took me along time. I had thousands of dollors stolen from me. Lied to, coned. etc. but I still thought I was in control cause she was my baby. I had to protect her, feed her, make sure she had a warm place to stay. WRONG. I was only allowing her to keep doing what she was doing. The hardest thing I have ever done was to say NO to her. No money, no food, no bed. etc. It took over a year, but she hit her bottom. That was jail for her. So far she has been clean and sober for a year. I pray everyday that she will stay clean. But I have had to give her over to her HP. I cannot save her, only myself. Hope you can be strong. By letting go you are letting God.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
I'm another recovering addict and codie, and I can echo what ((Laurie)) said. Until I was locked up and my dad said "I love you but you've got to get yourself out of this", the consequences of my using didn't fully sink in. I had been living on the streets for a couple of years.
We A's (addicts) are resourceful. Yes, some will turn to stealing to get what they want, which is usually drugs. It is beyond your control.
Until I got really sick and tired of the consequences, there was no way I was going to change and I couldn't get to THAT point if someone had kept taking care of me.
I've seen the pain in my dad's eyes when he left me on the streets and then in jail....now I get to see the pride in his eyes because I've got over 2-1/2 years clean and I'm doing everything I can to get my life back on track.
Big hugs and prayers!
Amy
We A's (addicts) are resourceful. Yes, some will turn to stealing to get what they want, which is usually drugs. It is beyond your control.
Until I got really sick and tired of the consequences, there was no way I was going to change and I couldn't get to THAT point if someone had kept taking care of me.
I've seen the pain in my dad's eyes when he left me on the streets and then in jail....now I get to see the pride in his eyes because I've got over 2-1/2 years clean and I'm doing everything I can to get my life back on track.
Big hugs and prayers!
Amy
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
offer rehab or the door. .Have a rehab ready and he makes the choice on the spot.
Let him choose to go out on the street or to recovery.
We learn not to stand between them and the bottom that may make them choose recovery. By providing a home/meals maybe you are only prolonging the misery for all.
If he can hustle drugs...let him get out and hustle for awhile. Rehab will start looking good sooner.
It worked with my son...though it took a few yrs.
Now at 25 he's been sober for 20 mos. He took me up on my offers to take him to rehab and fund it three different times. This last time was long term program, 18 mos.
This week he actually got a job working for a rehab.
Nothing changes if nothing changes.
I kicked my son out at 19 with a 20 min. notice to get out after I discovered he had stolen from me.
Get support through al-anon if you haven't already.
Let him choose to go out on the street or to recovery.
We learn not to stand between them and the bottom that may make them choose recovery. By providing a home/meals maybe you are only prolonging the misery for all.
If he can hustle drugs...let him get out and hustle for awhile. Rehab will start looking good sooner.
It worked with my son...though it took a few yrs.
Now at 25 he's been sober for 20 mos. He took me up on my offers to take him to rehab and fund it three different times. This last time was long term program, 18 mos.
This week he actually got a job working for a rehab.
Nothing changes if nothing changes.
I kicked my son out at 19 with a 20 min. notice to get out after I discovered he had stolen from me.
Get support through al-anon if you haven't already.
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
My story is similar to Seeker's. I have a 19 yr old son, too. In May he wrecked his car for the 3rd time, after flunking out of his first year of community college. We told him rehab or you're on your own. After a 6 week (excellent) rehab, he came home and relapsed within 4 weeks. We kicked him out (just like a sober house would) and he was homeless for 8 days with no job, no money, etc. He called his counselor at rehab who hooked him up with a sober living house in a town 150 miles away and he's been there for a couple of months now. I guess he's doing alright -- seems to be. He wants to go back to school and we offered him a 2-year technical college in another town (keeping him away from old haunts and focused on school). He knows this is his absolute very last chance. He also knows, because we stuck to boundaries in the past, that if he flunks out he is absolutely on his own. Hopefully that will be his motivation to do well. If not, well, my heart will be broken but I will set him free to live his life as he chooses. I will love him always.
Oh, and how do I do it?? I get lots of support from family support groups, Al-anon, reading, research, and Sober Recovery. It's the only way.
Oh, and how do I do it?? I get lots of support from family support groups, Al-anon, reading, research, and Sober Recovery. It's the only way.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 71
I know in my head it HAS to be done. He has no insurance..so the offer of rehab (he has done it 2x already at our expense) is out of the question. Could we afford it...yes...I would LOVE to send him away...but my husband will not stick another $ into him. This is my husbands only child (I have 2 adult children that are grown,married and doing very well) My spouse takes this all so personally...they used to be VERY close.
I spend hours on line and at the library. I know he will not quit due to the peer pressure of all of his friends. We (like everyone else) have tried everything else...
My husband gets home tonite from a hunting trip and I am ready for us to let my son know first thing monday morning its salvation army rehab or the door!
And no...he does not have a sugar momma. We do provide a home for him...of which he is locked out of until one of us are home...but he always has $ on him...hmmmm wonder how?
I am too exhausted to keep reliving "groundhog day" over and over.. (the movie)
Just gotta do it and stick to OUR guns!
I spend hours on line and at the library. I know he will not quit due to the peer pressure of all of his friends. We (like everyone else) have tried everything else...
My husband gets home tonite from a hunting trip and I am ready for us to let my son know first thing monday morning its salvation army rehab or the door!
And no...he does not have a sugar momma. We do provide a home for him...of which he is locked out of until one of us are home...but he always has $ on him...hmmmm wonder how?
I am too exhausted to keep reliving "groundhog day" over and over.. (the movie)
Just gotta do it and stick to OUR guns!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by WIworrier 
I know he will not quit due to the peer pressure of all of his friends.
She is the first to say that "peer pressure" is baloney.
She says it was her choice, in the past, to "reconnect" with other users.
She sought them out, not the other way around.
And the very last thing another heroin addict is going to do is share their dope or pressure someone else to use. Not the way it works on the street, according to her.
According to her, relapse is a choice and she fooled herself too many times that "just this once" won't matter cause she can control it. She also said she often would create situations to rationalize saying F-it and just go for it.
And with this, there went a few more of my many illusions, about addiction.
While she has not embraced a 12 step approach ( not uncommon for many young people) she is living it and taking responsibility for herself.
Just for today, she is clear, sober, employed and taking care of herself.
She did this on her own, for herself and did so after I got out of her way and let go.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 71
I am not disillusioned about his addiction. If anything I am way too aware of it. I work in the medical field and see it all the time.
See my AS tells it like it is. He is the guy everyone goes to. He has no problem telling us where/when/why and how....maybe peer pressure is a wrong choice of words...But I know WAY too much about it (not by choice)
He always is going to quit on his own. He can do it he says (over and over). Then the phones start ringing for that next deal and its out the door. Why would he want to work? or quit? In his "mind" hes got a good thing going!
So tomorrow he is OUT! He will then have to deal with his own choices.
I will offer Salvation Army...but we all know thats not a choice for a 19 yr old...I talked to the both local SA's and they said they dont get too many young kids...
He'll just have to figure it out for himself...
I'm just going to take it day to day...
See my AS tells it like it is. He is the guy everyone goes to. He has no problem telling us where/when/why and how....maybe peer pressure is a wrong choice of words...But I know WAY too much about it (not by choice)
He always is going to quit on his own. He can do it he says (over and over). Then the phones start ringing for that next deal and its out the door. Why would he want to work? or quit? In his "mind" hes got a good thing going!
So tomorrow he is OUT! He will then have to deal with his own choices.
I will offer Salvation Army...but we all know thats not a choice for a 19 yr old...I talked to the both local SA's and they said they dont get too many young kids...
He'll just have to figure it out for himself...
I'm just going to take it day to day...
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: buffalo ny
Posts: 167
I told my then 25 year old son he could live with me as long as he wanted, but he could no longer drink alcohol or smoke pot in my house. He tried VERY hard to manipulate me, but I kept telling that I wasn't kicking him out, I was changing the rules. He was working sporadically at the time, and contributed nothing to the household. He moved out last year this month. He just got promoted to asst. mgr, has a car and a dog. Yes, he's still drinking and smoking pot, didn't exactly hit bottom, but our relationship is much better, and I don't feel used or tortured anymore. He survived, and so did I. So will you.
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
Originally Posted by WIworrier
Well...I told him today that he would be leaving tomorrow at 8am
He doesnt seem too worried...so neither am I!
He doesnt seem too worried...so neither am I!
It'll probably take 3-4 days for the real quacking to begin. In the meantime, enjoy the peace and quiet. (hugs)
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Eastern Time Zone
Posts: 1,011
I have a 24 YO AS who has not lived here in a while due to his drug/alcohol addiction. Someone here told me a while back that my son was still a "young punk." I pondered that one for a long time and totally agree. As a young punk, my son's arrogance keeps him using and thinking he is living in "total freedom." Young punks think they are invincible, totally powerful over their lives, unable to be destroyed by anything or anybody, not in need of anyone's advice or wisdom if it disagrees with their own world-view. I'm thinking my son's arrogance will start to fade as he progresses through his 20s, so i'm not expecting a "bottom" to happen anytime soon. In reality, it is what all young adults go through; but because some people have drugs/alcohol use mixed in what that journey, their life lessons are much harder for loved ones to watch.
Perhaps your son is also a young punk.
With all of our young adult children, we have to "let them go" to complete their journey into adulthood. We have to do the same with our young adult children who are using drugs/alcohol also in spite of how much they try to convince us that they do not want to do that. Asking your son to leave at this point is counterintuitive to you and your husband, but that is exactly what you need to do. Keep coming back here, because it takes ongoing strength to do this. I know i've been very encouraged by others on here who have re-assured me that asking my son to leave is the absolutely best thing for him, for me, and for his family.
Perhaps your son is also a young punk.
With all of our young adult children, we have to "let them go" to complete their journey into adulthood. We have to do the same with our young adult children who are using drugs/alcohol also in spite of how much they try to convince us that they do not want to do that. Asking your son to leave at this point is counterintuitive to you and your husband, but that is exactly what you need to do. Keep coming back here, because it takes ongoing strength to do this. I know i've been very encouraged by others on here who have re-assured me that asking my son to leave is the absolutely best thing for him, for me, and for his family.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
((((WIworrier)))) I'm sorry for all you are going through and found myself in a similar position when I met my husband. My A stepson is older than yours, but my husband kicked him out of the house at the first of this year. He has recently resurfaced after a stint in a county detention center and asked his sister and father for someplace to stay or money and was turned down by both. He even made quacking noises about going to rehab, which my husband always said we would help pay for.....he never showed at my husband's office this week to make arrangements.
However, we live a peaceful and drama free life because he is not in our face 24/7. We can't make him accept recovery, so we don't force the issue. We have been afraid that he would end up hurting himself, but somehow he always manages to survive.
Huge hugs and prayers for you, your husband, and your young man. HG
However, we live a peaceful and drama free life because he is not in our face 24/7. We can't make him accept recovery, so we don't force the issue. We have been afraid that he would end up hurting himself, but somehow he always manages to survive.
Huge hugs and prayers for you, your husband, and your young man. HG
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 13
Worrier - I can identify. My AS is an addict as well. We sent him to rehab once and he relapsed almost immediately. It is not easy but it will not get any easier as he gets older. You might look into teen challenge - it's not just for teens. They are funded by donations and are nonprofit. They have a great website. Does anyone else have any knowledge or
experience of this program?
It was suggested to me to set a date for my son to either be out of the house or seeking treatment. That's what I have done and he is aware of the date so we'll see what happens. Sounds easy but it was a huge step for me.
We are here for you.
experience of this program?
It was suggested to me to set a date for my son to either be out of the house or seeking treatment. That's what I have done and he is aware of the date so we'll see what happens. Sounds easy but it was a huge step for me.
We are here for you.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 13
Worrier - I can identify. My AS is an addict as well. We sent him to rehab once and he relapsed almost immediately. It is not easy but it will not get any easier as he gets older. You might look into teen challenge - it's not just for teens. They are funded by donations and are nonprofit. They have a great website. Does anyone else have any knowledge or
experience of this program?
It was suggested to me to set a date for my son to either be out of the house or seeking treatment. That's what I have done and he is aware of the date so we'll see what happens. Sounds easy but it was a huge step for me.
We are here for you.
experience of this program?
It was suggested to me to set a date for my son to either be out of the house or seeking treatment. That's what I have done and he is aware of the date so we'll see what happens. Sounds easy but it was a huge step for me.
We are here for you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 71
So....
I told him last nite one last time that he would be leaving at 8 am when I left for work. I woke him at 7:15 and told him he had 45 minutes to get his things together. He took a shower and packed his backpack...grabbed a jacket and hat and when I left for work he sat on the front porch (texting for a ride?). I told him we loved him and he could come back anytime to live as long as he was in treatment and not using.
I also told him If he needed any thing else he should leave a message and I will leave it on the porch for him.
He didnt say a word....
For some strange reason I almost feel relived....
Well I am going to soak up the peace and quiet....cause as we all know at any minute that could change!
Thanks for the encouragemnt...I couldn't have done it without your help
I told him last nite one last time that he would be leaving at 8 am when I left for work. I woke him at 7:15 and told him he had 45 minutes to get his things together. He took a shower and packed his backpack...grabbed a jacket and hat and when I left for work he sat on the front porch (texting for a ride?). I told him we loved him and he could come back anytime to live as long as he was in treatment and not using.
I also told him If he needed any thing else he should leave a message and I will leave it on the porch for him.
He didnt say a word....
For some strange reason I almost feel relived....
Well I am going to soak up the peace and quiet....cause as we all know at any minute that could change!
Thanks for the encouragemnt...I couldn't have done it without your help
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 71
It's his cell phone in his name and he pays the bill.... I cut him off our plan cold turkey. He had to get one with "all the bells and whistles" and it costs about $75 a month.
He can always come up with money ... so let him figure it out. Bill was just paid...so he's good for another month or so...
He can always come up with money ... so let him figure it out. Bill was just paid...so he's good for another month or so...
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