supportforme

Hi - My husband of 13 years told me in August that his is addicted to oxycodone. This admission came after over 2 years of extremely hurtful and unexplained behavior by him towards me - partying, lying, acting like a different person. I suspected he was addicted. During this, there were several incidents where he lied and was out, making comments about me being lame, etc. the list goes on. I started therapy to help myself. I am a very successful woman, attentive mother, friend and wife. I couldn't understand what was happening. He made the admission after I told him I was done and couldn't take this roller coaster ride any more. He came home that night and told me that he was having an affair and tried to break it off and the woman started threating to tell me and confront me at our home and that he was addicted to oxycodone and I was right the illegal steriods were affecting his judgement. He told me he started Suboxone treatment in July and was finally out of the fog he has been in for so long. He was different this time, remorseful, crying, begging for me to help him. (he never acted like this) We have 2 young children. Long and short - I love him and want to help the wonderful husband and father I married. He relapsed in October - blamed it on his 1st therapist visit. He is back on Suboxone now. However, I'm struggling with the feelings of helping him with this disease and getting over the affair. I can't help not checking up on him - searching his bag, car, checking bank account. When he realilzes it, he becomes agitated. I tell him that i need full disclosure right now to trust him. He doesn't have any problems with telling me where he is. He does get upset when I question prescriptions, unidentified pills, dr visits and cash withdrawls. Tried to attend a Naranon meeting and could not. My therapist suggested I try researching addiction. Sorry for long post. but I'm reaching here and for the 1st time in my life, I'm lost and need help.

gowest

Welcome. I'm sure that many others will be along to share their stories, sometimes weekends are slow.

Please take a look at all the great information provided in the stickies at the top of the forum. Read, read, read! There is a wealth of information on this site.

It is not a pleasant journey you are on but realize that you are not alone. There is much support and advice to be found on this forum.

You mentioned not going to a Naranon meeting but didn't say why you could not. Face to face support can be extremely valuable. Alanon meetings can also be useful even if your husband is addicted to pills rather than alcohol.

supportforme

Thanks - I drove to Naranon meeting and the anxiety was more than I could handle. For the 1st time in my life I couldn't face the group. I can't explain it. The feeling is alien to me since I'm not a shy person and have no issues speaking in a group, until now. Thanks again for the post. I'll keep reading trying to gain the knowledge and learn from the others experience.

Ann

Welcome to SR, I hope you will find some peace here.

I am so sorry for what you have been through, it's a rough road we travel when we are living with addiction. I'm sorry your meeting was too hard to make for you, but understand the panic attack kind of reaction, I had many of those once.

Take a read around, make yourself comfortable here, and know you are among friends who understand.

Hugs

gowest

Please take some time and read some of the first meetings reports/questions on this forum and the Friends & Family of Alcoholics (about Alanon).

Many people, myself included, were incredibly anxious before their first meeting. Many people spend the first meeting crying or mute. Many people have to go to a handful of different meetings to find the one where they feel most comfortable.

Most (but not all - as there is no one right way) have found the support of face to face meetings invaluable. You can not imagine the things people have been through, the different learning curves people are on and the wealth of E,S & H (experience, strength and hope) that people have available to share.

There is a saying at the end of the Alanon meetings I go to: Keep coming back, it works if you work it.

The meetings are not for your husband they are for YOU!
YOU will need support.

Please remember that you can not "help" your husband, he can only help himself. You did not CAUSE his addiction, you can not CURE his addiction, and you can't CONTROL his addiction.

Going to meetings is a way for you to help yourself and stay strong for your children.

Please read the sticky What Addicts Do.

I hate to say it but relapsing and using a therapy visit as an excuse is not a good sign.

Please take steps to protect yourself financially.
You have children to think of and need to be as proactive as possible.
Read stories on this board of the financial devastation that has happened to other spouses as a result of their partner's addiction.

hello-kitty

Hi and welcome. I hope you will continue to read and post here. You will find lots of information about addiction and codependency, and lots of people who have "been there and done that". You are not alone. You'll get through this - just keep moving forward.

supportforme

Thanks for the advice. I've read the sticky and it breaks my heart. Your advice hit home. Emotionally, I can't control the devastation right now. However, financially, I can. It's crazy - I make almost 2x's his salary and I need to protect myself and my kids. Thanks.Hopefully, I'll have the strength to do the right thing. He's a good person, however, his addiction is controlling him right now and I need to manage what I can.

Chrysalis123

I'm soryy for what you are going through. I know the pain of finding out about the affair. It was horrible.

I second the idea of Alanon. Alanon meetings are for us and I find the help and support invaluable. I had lots fo anxiety before the first meeting too...plus tried to speak and burst into tears/sobs. Everyone listened, welcomed me and passed the tissues.

supportforme

thanks for the support and advice. I'm going to try and attend a meeting this Friday. I had a long talk with him Last night - he keeps asking me what he's doing wrong. He claims he is not taking any oxycodone but he admitted to not taking his suboxone some times because it makes him feel horrible.I told him I'm scared b/c I don't know if it's him or the pills talking.....I just told him that I need full disclosure now. Either I get it or not - if he's telling the truth. It'll work. If not, he's not ready. I love him with all my heart. Sometimes I feel with everything I've had to deal with - lies, affair....why do I still have to feel this way. wish me luck.

outtolunch

There are numerous red flags, here.

Have you considered opening a new bank account in your own name for your own money to protect yourself and the children, just in case?

URMYEVERYTHING

Hi support and welcome to SR...
I agree with your therapist... do as much reading as you can about addiction. A good start/good book that I read is

Reclaim your Family from Addiction by Craig Nakken

A very insightful book written for families to understand addiction and the effects it has on the family.

Keep coming here if you cannot go to NarAnon right away. This is a good start.

URMYEVERYTHING

Just as an education piece, he is not taking the Suboxone which is an opiate blocker so he can feel the effects of the opiate (Oxycodone).

First red flag that an addict is not serious about recovery is one... he doesn't work a program and two... he works his own program and says screw everyone else.

Watch his actions... forget his words... they mean nothing in active addiction.

supportforme

Thanks for all the advice and support. I did split the finances last year before he admitted to the addiction. When he admitted it this year in August (I think he came clean b/c he had to admit that he had an affair because the OW was threatening to tell me). He told me about the affair and admitted to the addiction in Aug this year. First reaction was to tell him it was over and she could have him. He was begging, crying and asking me for help - for the past 2 years, he was arrogant and defensive whenever, I would catch him in his lies. I've been with this man for over 16 years and have never seen him cry. Call me a fool. But, I want to help him. Our children adore him. When I split the finances and he was never home last year, our eldest son was having serious issues. He went from having Daddy of the year to Mr. MIA. That's how I found the Therapist that I am still seeing. He did a 360 at that point with the children; however, me was another story. I decided to give it another chance - I do love him and it's in my best interest for me to help their father. I have been doing my reading and I realize that I am a codependant. I micro manage the finances at this point. I cannot manage him or his addiction. In the past, I've looked the other way b/c I didn't want to deal with the consequences. I realized that In the end, I still deal with the consequences. Today, he told me he went to his doc for blood work to check for lyme disease. I didn't even ask him if he got a prescription b/c I know if he did, he'll lie. If he didn't - I thank God. At this point, I believe that divorcing him would cause more trauma and damage. I am taking it one day at a time - with my eyes wide open....Thanks again to all of you. I've felt so lonely for so long.