Boyfriend is former heroin addict - worried about his current behavior
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Join Date: Oct 2009
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Boyfriend is former heroin addict - worried about his current behavior
This is my first post here. I registered because I really need some advice about my situation. My boyfriend of three months is a former heroin addict who cleaned up his life and got off heroin about two years ago.
He moved in with me a month ago and has been paying half the rent and half the food bill - not mooching at all. But recently he's been going through a majorly difficult period that is causing him severe depression and he told me that he's been buying Vicodin and morphine and taking them "just to make things easier."
He says he does it every once in a while and that it's not a problem. I told him that he is a grown man and I can't tell him what to do but that I worry about it. He said he wants to be totally honest with me and that's why he told me about it.
It's been about two weeks that I've known about this. I've noticed that he is suddenly really short on cash and can't pay me rent this week. And on my birthday he couldn't afford to buy dinner when we went out but I found out he spent money on morphine that day.
Now to the reason I'm writing today. I injured my shoulder last week and the doctor gave me a prescription for Vicodin. I took a few of them and it helped but I left the bottle out in the open not thinking he would take any. He didn't for many days. But this morning I looked in the bottle and there were about 10 pills missing.
I'm feeling angry and disappointed that he took my medication without telling me about it because he knows I might need the pain medication if my shoulder pain worsens. I am also very worried about him and wonder if he is spinning out of control.
What is the best way to confront him about the pills he stole? Do I get angry? Do I just tell him I'm concerned? I want to help him but don't know how because I've never been through this before.
Does anyone have any advice on how to handle this?
He moved in with me a month ago and has been paying half the rent and half the food bill - not mooching at all. But recently he's been going through a majorly difficult period that is causing him severe depression and he told me that he's been buying Vicodin and morphine and taking them "just to make things easier."
He says he does it every once in a while and that it's not a problem. I told him that he is a grown man and I can't tell him what to do but that I worry about it. He said he wants to be totally honest with me and that's why he told me about it.
It's been about two weeks that I've known about this. I've noticed that he is suddenly really short on cash and can't pay me rent this week. And on my birthday he couldn't afford to buy dinner when we went out but I found out he spent money on morphine that day.
Now to the reason I'm writing today. I injured my shoulder last week and the doctor gave me a prescription for Vicodin. I took a few of them and it helped but I left the bottle out in the open not thinking he would take any. He didn't for many days. But this morning I looked in the bottle and there were about 10 pills missing.
I'm feeling angry and disappointed that he took my medication without telling me about it because he knows I might need the pain medication if my shoulder pain worsens. I am also very worried about him and wonder if he is spinning out of control.
What is the best way to confront him about the pills he stole? Do I get angry? Do I just tell him I'm concerned? I want to help him but don't know how because I've never been through this before.
Does anyone have any advice on how to handle this?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 273
Welcome.
Please take the time to read the "stickies" above as they are filled with all sorts of useful information. I am a fan of "what addicts do".
While he may be a "former" heroin addict, from your description he is still in active addiction but has just transferred his DOC (drug of choice).
No one can "help" an addict until they want help themselves. Trying to talk with an active addict can be like banging your head against a stone wall.
You will find much support here. Living life with an active addict is very rough. I'm sure others will be along to share their stories.
Please take the time to read the "stickies" above as they are filled with all sorts of useful information. I am a fan of "what addicts do".
While he may be a "former" heroin addict, from your description he is still in active addiction but has just transferred his DOC (drug of choice).
No one can "help" an addict until they want help themselves. Trying to talk with an active addict can be like banging your head against a stone wall.
You will find much support here. Living life with an active addict is very rough. I'm sure others will be along to share their stories.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
It's reasonable to assume that " former" no longer applies. He's doing opiates and that often fast tracks back to the big H. He's not done yet...that's his choice.
May I ask what you expect to achieve by confrontation?
He will likely tell you he's got it under control or...break down and cry and beg your forgiveness and blah, blah, blah.....all the while wondering where your wallet is.
There is an old line that an active addict or alcoholic is likely to steal your wallet. The addict will however, help you look for it.
This is the time to establish your own boundaries about what you are willing to live with or not. You did not cause this. You cannot control this. And you cannot cure this.
May I ask what you expect to achieve by confrontation?
He will likely tell you he's got it under control or...break down and cry and beg your forgiveness and blah, blah, blah.....all the while wondering where your wallet is.
There is an old line that an active addict or alcoholic is likely to steal your wallet. The addict will however, help you look for it.
This is the time to establish your own boundaries about what you are willing to live with or not. You did not cause this. You cannot control this. And you cannot cure this.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 864
He went back out, it is as simple as that, and he went back to right what he left off with opiates…doesn’t matter what form, but it quite easier to justify I am only taking pills, rather than copping powder on the corner….My husband could justify that all to easily.
And in time if he doesn’t catch himself he will be right back where he left off and on to what will need to be his next bottom…
That bottle of pills you have. I know you probably had no idea but it isn’t too cool to know that someone you love is an opiate addict and leave pills around. For the future stuff like this needs to be out of sight…And no that doesn’t mean you caused this, it is just that you don’t leave opiates all laying out in plain sight with an opiate addict recovering or using in the house…
I would be curious as to what you hope to learn in confronting him…you can if you want or need to but I am not sure if he tells the truth or lies….oh and the lies show a huge truth but most miss that….that you will be all that accepting of the answer. In the end I am betting he took the pills because he is an addict...
It wasn’t personal. This isn't personal.
Oh and an addict in active addiction is just that an addict in active addiction, try not to get to hung up on behaviors that are just part of what addiction is, the secrecy, the lies, the turmoil, the comparing out ( I am not as bad as), the missing money, missing things…
Back to the simple part…
He is using, he can and will stop when he is ready and he is very capable of doing so…
You can “help” him but that mostly has a totally opposite effect and just helps them stay sick. Or you can help you, and educate yourself on addiction, on codependency and enabling and get some support for you cause if you plan to stay you will need it…And if you choose not to get help well in time you will be as sick as he is or worse.
Set boundaries and always say what you mean and mean what you say. If you know in your heart that you will not follow through then don’t put it out there…
Begging bargaining, pleading, crying, the silent treatment….paying off his stuff, making excuse for him, covering for him, shaming, guilting….well none of this things have any place in this and they are all counterproductive….
Believe what you see and look at the behaviors they are usually dead on as to what is up…
Take good care of you!
Inciting silence
And in time if he doesn’t catch himself he will be right back where he left off and on to what will need to be his next bottom…
That bottle of pills you have. I know you probably had no idea but it isn’t too cool to know that someone you love is an opiate addict and leave pills around. For the future stuff like this needs to be out of sight…And no that doesn’t mean you caused this, it is just that you don’t leave opiates all laying out in plain sight with an opiate addict recovering or using in the house…
I would be curious as to what you hope to learn in confronting him…you can if you want or need to but I am not sure if he tells the truth or lies….oh and the lies show a huge truth but most miss that….that you will be all that accepting of the answer. In the end I am betting he took the pills because he is an addict...
It wasn’t personal. This isn't personal.
Oh and an addict in active addiction is just that an addict in active addiction, try not to get to hung up on behaviors that are just part of what addiction is, the secrecy, the lies, the turmoil, the comparing out ( I am not as bad as), the missing money, missing things…
Back to the simple part…
He is using, he can and will stop when he is ready and he is very capable of doing so…
You can “help” him but that mostly has a totally opposite effect and just helps them stay sick. Or you can help you, and educate yourself on addiction, on codependency and enabling and get some support for you cause if you plan to stay you will need it…And if you choose not to get help well in time you will be as sick as he is or worse.
Set boundaries and always say what you mean and mean what you say. If you know in your heart that you will not follow through then don’t put it out there…
Begging bargaining, pleading, crying, the silent treatment….paying off his stuff, making excuse for him, covering for him, shaming, guilting….well none of this things have any place in this and they are all counterproductive….
Believe what you see and look at the behaviors they are usually dead on as to what is up…
Take good care of you!
Inciting silence
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Book Recommendation
Ten Stupid Things Women Do to Mess up their Lives- Dr. Laura Schlessinger.
This was originally printed back in 1994 and is available used at amazon.com or in your local library. While I am most certainly not a fan of everything Laura, this book spouts some serious wisdom for women. Here are just a handful of the mini chapters.....
I love him, bit I don't trust him
If he really loved me, he would....
A lousy relationship is better than no relationship
But I still just really love him
Select, don't settle
This was originally printed back in 1994 and is available used at amazon.com or in your local library. While I am most certainly not a fan of everything Laura, this book spouts some serious wisdom for women. Here are just a handful of the mini chapters.....
I love him, bit I don't trust him
If he really loved me, he would....
A lousy relationship is better than no relationship
But I still just really love him
Select, don't settle
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 89
Read everything you can get your hands on about codependency.
I say this with love and respect, but if you have only been with this guy for three months, and you have allowed him to move in with you after only dating him for 60 days...well, to me, that is a sign that you have definite codependency issues. 60 days to share your living quarters with someone? That's a drop in the bucket in terms of time. I am not sure that a person without such issues would make the decision to live with someone whom they had only known/dated for two months. To me, the decision to live with someone is pretty major, and I'm not sure I would put myself in that position after being in a relationship for just two months---how well can you possibly know someone after such a short time?
No offense meant, by the way, as all of us here have or have had codependency issues, too.
I'd like to tell you what to do, but I can't....it's your decision and your life. However, if I were you, and were dating an addict for only 90 days who appeared to be entering the active phase of addiction again...I would hightail it the hell out of that relationship.
Good luck to you.
I say this with love and respect, but if you have only been with this guy for three months, and you have allowed him to move in with you after only dating him for 60 days...well, to me, that is a sign that you have definite codependency issues. 60 days to share your living quarters with someone? That's a drop in the bucket in terms of time. I am not sure that a person without such issues would make the decision to live with someone whom they had only known/dated for two months. To me, the decision to live with someone is pretty major, and I'm not sure I would put myself in that position after being in a relationship for just two months---how well can you possibly know someone after such a short time?
No offense meant, by the way, as all of us here have or have had codependency issues, too.
I'd like to tell you what to do, but I can't....it's your decision and your life. However, if I were you, and were dating an addict for only 90 days who appeared to be entering the active phase of addiction again...I would hightail it the hell out of that relationship.
Good luck to you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 2
Thanks everyone for your responses. They were very helpful.
I didn't have to confront him about anything. He could tell I had something on my mind last night and he said, "Don't worry, I'm going to replace them." Apparently he was planning to buy some from a friend and put them back in my bottle. It's unclear whether he was going to tell me that he replaced my prescription pills with ones he bought on the street.
He acted like it was no big deal and said he thought I was done with the pills since my shoulder was feeling a lot better.
He begged me not to be mad at him and said he was sorry and I told him I wasn't sure how to feel about it all. I told him I wanted to be supportive of his personal situation that he's going through but I don't think I can if he's taking pills.
He said he was going to stop completely and that he was glad I was talking to him about it now before it went too far. He said he didn't want to fall back into that again and that I was a good influence in his life.
I accepted that from him. Maybe this is just a line I'm falling for. I don't know. I've already noticed a change in him. He's very moody this morning and I guess it's because he's not taking any pills. He's definitely a lot more pleasant to be around when he's taking them. I don't know what to feel about that right now.
About him moving in with me - it was just a temporary thing until he finds his own place. We live in a place where housing is extremely limited and a lot of people move in together for practical/housing shortage reasons. I'd never let a guy move in with me that soon under normal circumstances. If he can find his own place then I will encourage him to get it.
I realize I haven't known this person very long and that I'm getting involved in a lot of stuff I don't need to be involved in. I guess I will see how things go over the next couple of weeks and whether he's really going to stop taking pills and whether he's capable of being respectful and kind when he's not taking them.
I didn't have to confront him about anything. He could tell I had something on my mind last night and he said, "Don't worry, I'm going to replace them." Apparently he was planning to buy some from a friend and put them back in my bottle. It's unclear whether he was going to tell me that he replaced my prescription pills with ones he bought on the street.
He acted like it was no big deal and said he thought I was done with the pills since my shoulder was feeling a lot better.
He begged me not to be mad at him and said he was sorry and I told him I wasn't sure how to feel about it all. I told him I wanted to be supportive of his personal situation that he's going through but I don't think I can if he's taking pills.
He said he was going to stop completely and that he was glad I was talking to him about it now before it went too far. He said he didn't want to fall back into that again and that I was a good influence in his life.
I accepted that from him. Maybe this is just a line I'm falling for. I don't know. I've already noticed a change in him. He's very moody this morning and I guess it's because he's not taking any pills. He's definitely a lot more pleasant to be around when he's taking them. I don't know what to feel about that right now.
About him moving in with me - it was just a temporary thing until he finds his own place. We live in a place where housing is extremely limited and a lot of people move in together for practical/housing shortage reasons. I'd never let a guy move in with me that soon under normal circumstances. If he can find his own place then I will encourage him to get it.
I realize I haven't known this person very long and that I'm getting involved in a lot of stuff I don't need to be involved in. I guess I will see how things go over the next couple of weeks and whether he's really going to stop taking pills and whether he's capable of being respectful and kind when he's not taking them.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Wilmington, NC
Posts: 932
Welcome to SR. You remind me a lot of me - two years ago.
An addict CANNOT dabble. Your boyfriend is taking pills call opiates. Heroin is an opiate. Morphine is a dirivative (sic) of heroin. He is using. Whether he is shooting dope or taking pills, he is getting high. He is going through a tough time - boo hoo. We all go through tough times and despite what he tells you - he is not clean. He is not sober. He is an addict and addicts lie.
You will find this out but unfortunately, like me, I had to get trampled on over and over again before I was able to put alot of what I heard on here together. I still struggle alot with some advice because I think I've come so far....and it in a lot of way, I have but I'm still nowhere near where I need to be or where I want to be.
You have not known this man that long. I hope and PRAY that your relationship works out for you because living with or being married to an addict (and an addict is always an addict even if they are in recovery) is a never-ending, all consuming, daily reality. There are no guarantees and as co-dependants, we loose ourselves as well to addiction.
If I could do it over again, I would have paid more attention to the signs and ran! I was so in love and so sure our love would make all the difference.
An addict CANNOT dabble. Your boyfriend is taking pills call opiates. Heroin is an opiate. Morphine is a dirivative (sic) of heroin. He is using. Whether he is shooting dope or taking pills, he is getting high. He is going through a tough time - boo hoo. We all go through tough times and despite what he tells you - he is not clean. He is not sober. He is an addict and addicts lie.
You will find this out but unfortunately, like me, I had to get trampled on over and over again before I was able to put alot of what I heard on here together. I still struggle alot with some advice because I think I've come so far....and it in a lot of way, I have but I'm still nowhere near where I need to be or where I want to be.
You have not known this man that long. I hope and PRAY that your relationship works out for you because living with or being married to an addict (and an addict is always an addict even if they are in recovery) is a never-ending, all consuming, daily reality. There are no guarantees and as co-dependants, we loose ourselves as well to addiction.
If I could do it over again, I would have paid more attention to the signs and ran! I was so in love and so sure our love would make all the difference.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
Hmmm... living together after dating for 2 months and now you are learning his bad habits.
It's not too late to say, hold up. I think things are moving too fast. I need to work on me for a while. You'll need to find somewhere else to live.
It's not too late to say, hold up. I think things are moving too fast. I need to work on me for a while. You'll need to find somewhere else to live.
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