I don't know how to handle all of this....

Old 10-24-2009, 08:24 AM
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I don't know how to handle all of this....

I'm new here. I've been reading the message board since last Wednesday. This is the first time I've had the courage to post. I'm sorry this will be so long...but I feel like I just have to get it all out.

Wednesday, at marriage counseling, my husband of 13 years had a complete meltdown and confessed that he is out of control and has been addicted to pills for the past two years. He said he wants off the pills...that he just can't handle it anymore. Several months ago I found a prescription bottle and confronted him...he told me he was taking them as prescribed and it was no big deal.

Things just werent adding up...he slept for days at a time, "ran errands" by himself all the time, received hundreds of cell phone calls and texts from numbers I didn't recognize. He was spending money out of control.

I got suspicious enough to pull up his pharmacy records by using another prescription that was in the medicine cabinet. I almost fainted when I saw all the prescriptions!

It turns out those prescriptions were just the "icing on the cake". There were dozens of prescriptions and he was buying pills too. He said he's bought pills, sold pills, traded pills...he even told us about sitting across the table from the biggest drug dealer in the state. I don't know who this man is. He used our savings, our investment accounts, everything.....gone. He's been skimming hundreds of dollars off his paychecks by cashing checks at work. He's using every and any codeine based pill he can get his hands on.

I feel like I am in an "after school special" or a "lifetime network movie". This just isn't our life!!!!! My husband is educated, has an excellent job. We own a beautiful home and have three awesome children. He is well respected in the community....how did he become a drug addict? I'm happy that he wants help..but I am SO angry.

Our marriage counselor told him he needed to get medical help to get off the pills because he was taking too many to just quit cold turkey and that he needed to get to NA ASAP. He went to his doctor and told him the whole story. The doctor gave him an oxycodone prescription with directions for tapering off. He gave me the pills and asked me to give him them each day per the directions.

The first day...he took the five he was allowed. The second day...he took the five he was allowed (he's tapering off by one pill a week). He was on call and got called out to work. When he came in at midnight he wanted another pill. I told him that wasn't part of the agreed plan. He said that he deserved another one because he was out there risking his d*** life.

I don't want to be his jailer. I figure that HE needs to want this. I gave him the pill and the five for the next day. I don't see the point in keeping them from him when he can get more anywhere. He already broke the tapering off plan...does this mean he is not serious about quitting? He still hasn't contacted NA.

I don't know what to do. I don't know how he can be this selfish. We have a wonderful family and a wonderful life and he is throwing it away for some stupid pills. I can't eat. I can't sleep. I just want to wake up from this nightmare.

Our children are 16, 12, and 6....what do I say to them? I love my husband so so much. I want to be by his side and support him during this tapering off....This is not who he is. How do I do this? I never thought I would be asking this, but what do you do when your husband is a drug addict?
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Old 10-24-2009, 08:38 AM
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First welcome to SR. I am sorry for the reason that brought here but glad that you found us. You will find lots of support and answers to your questions. Most of us here have been through exactly what you are talking about and then some.

I would really read around here on the site and try to learn as much as you can about addiction. The more you know the better off you are.

Most people think of homeless dirty old men when they think of a "drug addict" but that really is not the case. My RABF was addicted to prescription pills also. It was a nightmare.

Your husband is very much addicted and DOES NOT want to stop. If he hasnt taken the steps to stop then he isnt ready to stop. Not now atleast. And I would prepare myself for the worst. I would control the money and make sure that he does not have access to the money or at the very least open an account in your name and put money in it so that you can still take care of your household.

As you can see addicts lie. It has nothing to do with you. Its because they are protecting or feeding their addiction. Holding his pills will do nothing for either one of you. We did that and after awhile I ended up giving him the bottle because I just couldnt take it anymore. The begging the fighting the withdrawals. It was crazy.

And most important I would get to an ala-non meeting ASAP. They can help you through this.

Addiction isnt about them not loving you or your family. Your husband is sick and until he gets well and makes that choice it will only be about him getting or maintaining a high.

Sad to say but that is the reality.
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Old 10-24-2009, 10:06 AM
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I think it's a good sign that your husband confessed.

It sounds like your husband needs rehab for addiction, not just tapering for dependence. There are options for quitting: cold turkey + 12 step program, medical detox + inpatient rehab, medical detox + out patient rehab. Each one will probably require at least a few days of nothing but detoxing from the drug. He needs help but it doesn't matter if he doesn't accept that.

If he isn't willing to do any of that, he isn't ready to quit since tapering is out of the question. Ask him if he's ready to do what it takes to quit. If he says yes, his actions will speak the truth.

If you want to help him find help, look for local NA/AA meetings, and detox/rehabs in your area. Give him the information and let him decide what he wants to do.

Look for Alanon or Naranon meetings for yourself. A very important thing I learned here was to work the program we wish they would. My daughter is not responsible for my reactions to her addiction, just as I am not responsible for her addiction. Each of us have to own our issues, our recoveries.

I'm glad you're mad. It means you have some boundaries and this is not acceptable to you. Please try to make that anger work for you and get as much help and support as you can. The goal isn't to make them stop (we can't), it's to learn how to deal with it on our terms without compromising ourselves, our personal boundaries and value systems.

The advice about your finances is rock solid.
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Old 10-24-2009, 10:29 AM
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Welcome to our family. Isn't it shocking to find out you're not alone?

I am so sorry that yet another family has been affected by drug use.

Your husband is truly crying out for help but, unfortunately, he is not ready to get it. He knows he must get himself into a rehab as he is out of control.

That said, there isn't much you can do except take care of yourself, your children, and your possessions. Unfortunately, addicts only care about where they will get the next fix. Love ones, possessions, jobs, are the last thing on their minds.

You did the right thing handing him back his pills 'cause being the "jailer" never works!

I'm going to pray he gets himself the help he needs post haste!

The main thing is you need to get help for yourself such as a meeting.

Prayers heading your way
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