soulsurvivor

my son is 6 yr old. my ex denied him since he was born.. had 2 DNA tests cause he was convinced i RIgged the first one.
Never bonded to him... never showed him affection..
only saw him when he wanted to try and get into my bed or harass me.
I took my son to see his grandparens every couple months.
my ex now acknowledges him but sees him maybe 3 times a year.
my ex has always been very concerned with how to disipline him? but never interested in loving him.
my son is Angelic and requires little if any discipline.. i have told him for years that if he cared he would focus on loving him, spending time with him,and gaining his trust.. Ex never did...
He showed up at my house on my sons birthday. and took him bowling. this was the first time he has seen him in a year.
My son called him,, a few months later and all i know something was said and my ex was yelling at him about RESPECT.. of all things.

I asked my son what was said he said Daddy said I HAVE to respect him and answer YES NOT ya... ???

I called my ex back and told him NO ONE respects him,, hes a looser, abusive drug addict... and if he EVER spoke to MY SON like that again.. he'd be found 6 ft under..

that was a few months ago.. His dad has been calling every week since, asking to speak to my son.. i tell my son when he calls, my son says HE DOES NOT WANT TO SPEAK TO HIS DAD. so i dont call back.
Well, last night his mom,, my sons grandma calls and says she misses him wants to speak to him.. SHe is nice to my son, my son likes her. SHe calls maybe once a year..

Part of me wants to tell my ex that My son doesnt want to talk to him. but my friend say what if 10 years go by and my son says why doesnt my dad call.. my ex of course would throw it in my or his face.. CAUSE you told me not too. She says dont put that on him.

also my ex would ASSUME its ME of course telling my son to say this... takes no responsibility for there non existant relatioinship.. ITS ALL MY FAULT.. of course.. so reasoning with him is not an option..
I'm tired of him calling and know that if he gets too frustrated, he'll just show up at my door one day soon.
What should i do..???

onlyliveonce

My H is in jail and we have a 14 year old together who doesn't want to talk to his dad either. It's a sad situtation but it is what it is. As far as my son goes, if I don't think it will be beneficial to him I don't do it and that's it. i used to think it was my responsibility to keep them bonded but it's not. He is the adult and it's his responsibility to reach out to son, and he's never done that so not my fault or issue. I would talk to your son in terms he will understand at his age and see what he's thinking. Sometimes even if they do want contact with the other parent it isn't healthy for them and that's why they have us here to make these hard decisions for them. My son knows and has expressed to me that his dad is a loser and he doesn't ask any questions about him or where he's at. When your son gets older he will thank you for keeping his life peaceful and keeping a drug addict away from him. We lived in that for many years and I would not expose myself or son to him these days. He is in jail and is probably going to prison soon so thanks but no thanks!!

Big hugs coming your way today for strengh and happiness. Don't feel guilty because he doesn't have a relationship with him, that's his problem. You're doing your part and his everyday and your son one day will realize how good a mother you are to keep him from harm.

tjp613

Is there any concern that he might start fighting for his "rights" as his father?

Does he pay child support?

My advice: document everything.

hello-kitty

I quit answering the phone and calling my ex back. He seemed to get the picture that i didn't want to talk to him and eventually stopped calling. I figure if he really wants to see his boy he can do it the legal way - by paying child support and setting up visitation through the courts. He's not that motivated. He only wants it easy. He only wants it when it doesn't cost him anything.

LOTS of people (who aren't CoDependent) get divorced and end up letting the courts decide what the visitation will be. Believe it or not, that is the normal way these things go. So don't feel guilty if you don't make it easy on daddy when it comes to seeing his son. He SHOULD have to work at it. After all, contrary to popular belief, being a father is not a right. Being a father is a responsibility.

You don't have to do anything to make it easy on his father to get what he wants. Just love and protect your son, don't trash his dad in front of him and be the best mother you can be.

soulsurvivor

no he has never paid child support in 6 years. hasent worked in 5.. he cant pass any UA. an lives with his mommy...
i made sure the court put in a drug test prior to any visitation when my son was 2 years old. He has never honored a visitation order bc he cant pass a UA and wont take one.. bc that just me trying to CONTROL him.. of course..
he comes and goes like the wind...
at the same time my son is basically afraid of him. if my ex ever confronted him.. remember he is 6.. i dont think my son would admit to him that he doesnt want to talk to him...

hello-kitty

It definitely sounds like keeping him out of your sons life is the right choice, soulsurvivor. I'll bet you have a wonderful little boy. Don't let the sperm donor ruin things for him.

soulsurvivor

i told my son his grandma called and did he want to call her back.. his face lit up and he said yes.. then he paused and said "what if she puts Daddy on the phone"? i said its friday nite,, 9:30pm i'm sure Daddy is out... (partying)
so he called her, talked 4 about 15 min. of course she wants me to bring him up there to visit.. i didnt talk to her. but i did hear her say.
"I havent talked to you forever. (its been about a year) but that is grandmas fault.. I should have called you"....
i'm glad she acknowledged it was on her not my son.