Suspicious

I just wanted to put it to 'paper' the stuff that is swirling in my head lately. Maybe by doing that I can see it clearer... or maybe someone will have something to add that might help me to see it in a different light.

I have been to 2 al anon meetings. I really liked the first one but the 2nd one not so much. They will do a beginners group for those who want it. I still like going and will continue to do so. They were 'chaired' by 2 different people. I liked the first lady better. The lady from last week seemed very detached and it seemed more like a class. She has a lot of experience that I know could benefit me. I just liked the 1st week better, it seemed more like an organized share time... warmer maybe. There were more people 1st week but that didnt matter cuz I really identified with the very few people who were in the newcomers group last time.

I read something in my al anon book about going thru a stage where you need to 'tell' on the addict. I really identified with that... I tried getting others to see what I see and got really frustrated when all I got back was 'oh, I dont think he would ever do something like that'. Then later, in an argument with AH he tells me that everyone thinks I am crazy thinking this. Of course, I didnt go ask anyone if they think that cuz now I worry that by asking it would give them more reason to think I am crazy obsessed with it. And of course, I no longer talk to anyone about it except my Mom and a couple friends. Then I think that with all the lies he tells who knows if anyone said that at all... but he reaps the benefit of me keeping my mouth shut about it. But that combined with the example in the book keeps me more silent about this. Even to my Mom & friends... I know they got be sick of hearing all about it. To the outside world it looks like I dont stress about this as much now... but I just do it silently.

From here, my book and the meetings I KNOW how unhealthy it is to try to keep tabs on his use. BUT I CANT STOP. Before coming here (and after for a while) I rationalized that my snooping was a good thing cuz then I could present him with the evidence and he would have to admit the problem. I know now that isnt how it works. I know (really I do) how unhealthy it is for me to be always focused on what he is or isnt doing. The only real difference now tho is instead of me feeling good about my snooping because I thought it would help I now feel disgusted and sick when I compulsively search for pills. I find them more now than back when I thought it would help... it is almost like he is daring me to confront him. Before I could search pants pockets for weeks before finding a pill and he would try to hide them in the little watch pocket. Now I find them practically nightly and I know for sure that he back to daily use. Yep, I am sick enough with this to mark the pills so that I know they are not the same pills night after night. I wont confront him because I know that no matter what I say or how I say it he always turns it around on me. I just file away my info in my head so that I have another bit of evidence to stress over.

I know that I have to be making some progress. I see my behavior as unhealthy and I really, REALLY want to stop. I look back at the last year and I know I have changed in how I deal with this so I can only hope that soon I will be able to look back on this scoobydoo behavior and feel better because I dont do that anymore. I can even look at that thought at growth. A year ago I would have only been concerned with making him admit the problem & getting him to want to stop. Now I dont want to see HIM make progress... I WANT to be the one making progress. I know now that he is gonna do what he is gonna do and that the only person I can change is me. I just get so frustrated cuz it feels like I am having as much success with changing me as I was with changing him.

Sorry for the long, gut-spilling rant but maybe just organizing my thoughts this way will help me.

Impurrfect

(((Suspicious)))

I know, for me, being aware of the behaviors I didn't like in myself is a step in the right direction. As far as how to get from point A (wanting to change) to point B (changing) any faster, the only thing that ever worked for me was getting sick enough of doing what I was doing and finally getting my heart/head/gut together that what I was doing had NO effect on what he was going to do.

I don't know that this helps you any, but at least you know someone else has been through the same thoughts and actions. For me, it took quite a while, but I was stubborn and didn't go to al-anon, so you are already a huge step ahead of where I was!

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

hello-kitty

I think that was a great share. It could be that what you are doing is a compulsion, much like what an addict or alcoholic does with drugs and alcohol. They have to do the work to get better. And so do you. (Which I think you are.) Think of your compulsion to search like a drug and then do whatever it takes to get over it. You CAN change your behavior.

In recovery (from addiction) I learned I had to change the people, places and things that reminded me of my compulsion. I learned what my triggers were to use drugs and then avoided them like the plague. HALT - Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired - All these things are triggers for unhealthy compulsive behaviors. I had to replace my unhealthy behaviors with healthy behaviors. I started reciting the serenity prayer when ever I felt the compulsion to use drugs. I started living in the moment. I stopped worrying about what would happen next and just focused on what I was supposed to be doing at that moment. And did it. I learned to distract myself by calling a friend or exercising or going for a walk or just praying for the compulsion to go away.

It wasn't easy. It was work. But I had to do it in order to get better. Eventually it got easier. And now, I don't think about it anymore. I trained myself to live healthy.

maybe you can try some of the above ideas and they will help you get over your compulsion to search. Remember it's not helping him get better. It's only making you sicker and holding you back from full recovery from co-dependency.

cassandra2

I applaud your honesty here. We have ALL been there. But I also want to applaud your ability to see this as unhealthy behavior.

So many of us codies try to rationalize the behavior with the "if I could just show him the evidence then HE would change and everything would be FINE". Using that is what keeps us sick. Recognizing that this is unhealthy and wanting to change it is the same as an addict admitting they are powerless over drugs and want to change.

So point A is the behavior and point B is the recognition of the behavior now how do we get to point C?

By continuing to focus on you. By continuing to go to your meetings. By continuing to make the baby steps of recognizing YOUR issues and going to work to change them. As you go along the path of finding yourself those complusion of searching for pills becomes less and less. And then one day you will notice that you havent even felt the need to look for pills, not because the A is in recovery, but because you are so busy getting healthy that you just naturally have stopped doing unhealthy things.

This is a long road. It wont be easy. You will make mistakes. But this is growth. I struggle today with keeping the focus on me. Keeping myself all about me and my behavior. Its hard I have to admit but each day or each issue that comes about gets easier and easier.

I wish you the best and just to keep trucking along. You are doing GREAT.

Suspicious

I read this and thought 'no way is it really that simple... that easy!!' Then I thought about it some more and I think it can be that simple but that doesnt mean it will be easy. I am only just beginning to try to focus on me and it is really hard. Not just with AH but with my kids too. I have let my relationships with them get very codie, I do more for them than is healthy for them or me and being kids who have gotten used to the way things are, Mom going behind them, making things right, they have no desire to change it now and actually have responsibilities. I just hope that they are able to learn a new way of doing things cuz I sometimes wonder if I have helped to create a new generation of people who will unconsciously seek out the codies in their lives and continue the pattern. But ya know what, I know that if I can learn a new way of living life they can too... and what better way than by example!!!! Another reason to help me do this.

cassandra2

Your right just because its simple DOES NOT mean it is easy.

I am struggling with codie issues alot lately. Probably because I still am in the discovery phase of identifying what exactly is codie about my behaviors.

I am also finding that the hardest thing for me is doing for me. Finding my voice and not caring what others think or say. For so long everyone else's needs have come before mine. And so its hard to actually get to know the "real" you because after all you have lived with yourself all of your life right?

Its simple to say I need to quit smoking. The hard part is actually following through and enduring whatever comes along with that. But I will say you are on the right track.

As I said before when we start to take ownership for what we did or how we contributed to the situation is when we start to find ways to get better. That's a big deal.

sandladyvb

Al-Anon is a whole new path and another world that you have stepped into as a result of your husband's drinking. Glad that you have decided to try some more meetings even though you didn't like the second one as much as the first. Each meeting is different because the chairperson rotates and different members come each week.

But it sounds to me like you knew you were in the right room at your first meeting. It was like that for me too. At long last, I found people who understood what I had been through and that I wasn't crazy or imagining things about what my husband's drinking was doing not only to him but also to our marriage.

Learning that it was a disease was a big relief. Accepting that he had to want to get sober was painful to me as he kept saying, "I'm an alcoholic and I love it." He was brutually honest but it made me realize how out of control he was.

I urge you not to stop attending Al-Anon. Visiting other meetings is also a good idea so that you will get to know people at more than one meeting and really find a group or two that you like.