How did I get where I am?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Kansas
Posts: 190
How did I get where I am?
Lately, I have been trying to figure out just who I am. More so, what life experiences growing up, have made me who I am today. Why am I so codependent. What made me the way I am. What turned me into a codie? Where does this behavior come from and why?
I read stuff about addiction, codependence and enabling. It all becomes mixed up in my head. Confusing, frustrating. Why is is so freaking hard to make choices and decisions? It is hard to understand all this stuff, let alone put it into any kind of reason, make any sense out of it all!
Some days, I just feel like running away! Going where no one knows me, leave my old life behind, and begin a new. I know that won't ever work, and that I couldn't ever do it, so why do I even entertain the thought. Fantasy world!
I need to find an outlet for feelings, thoughts and emotions. Holding everything in is just not working. I just need to settle down, and figure things out. Don't know where to start. Keep thinking I need to start with why am I the way I am. Maybe that's not as important as just fixing myself, whatever the reasons. Mind just keeps racing, need to slow down. Just rambling. Open for suggestions however! sometimes I just feel like I really need to find someone to talk to. I need therapy! Just no money to pay for it right now.
How does life become so complicated?
I read stuff about addiction, codependence and enabling. It all becomes mixed up in my head. Confusing, frustrating. Why is is so freaking hard to make choices and decisions? It is hard to understand all this stuff, let alone put it into any kind of reason, make any sense out of it all!
Some days, I just feel like running away! Going where no one knows me, leave my old life behind, and begin a new. I know that won't ever work, and that I couldn't ever do it, so why do I even entertain the thought. Fantasy world!
I need to find an outlet for feelings, thoughts and emotions. Holding everything in is just not working. I just need to settle down, and figure things out. Don't know where to start. Keep thinking I need to start with why am I the way I am. Maybe that's not as important as just fixing myself, whatever the reasons. Mind just keeps racing, need to slow down. Just rambling. Open for suggestions however! sometimes I just feel like I really need to find someone to talk to. I need therapy! Just no money to pay for it right now.
How does life become so complicated?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
I think everyone feels the way you do right now Wuzzled. At those times, I force myself to slow down and take things one day at a time. I remind myself that I am not in charge of the universe. I can only control myself and my reactions to others. I focus on specific behaviors instead of general ideas. I don't worry about what could happen tomorrow or next week. I stay in the now as best as I can. I ask myself the following questions:
What is my goal?
What specific steps do I need to take right now to accomplish my goal?
What step do I need to take first?
Then I take it.
It makes me feel better. that and praying.
Focusing on the things that I can do, and not overanalyzing my behavior helps me remember that life is only as complicated as I make it. At any time I am free to take a step back, reassess and redirect my behavior. I am free to follow whatever path I choose. And my actions speak louder than my words.
What is my goal?
What specific steps do I need to take right now to accomplish my goal?
What step do I need to take first?
Then I take it.
It makes me feel better. that and praying.
Focusing on the things that I can do, and not overanalyzing my behavior helps me remember that life is only as complicated as I make it. At any time I am free to take a step back, reassess and redirect my behavior. I am free to follow whatever path I choose. And my actions speak louder than my words.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
Going where no one knows me, leave my old life behind, and begin a new. I know that won't ever work, and that I couldn't ever do it, so why do I even entertain the thought.
I used to say this as well. I used to say a lot of things that I thought I knew would never work out or could never happen...and you know what...I don't know bupkiss and that is why I ended up where I ended up. I am not God, and I do not know something will work until I try it.
When I finally accepted that I don't know the future and I can't know what my ultimate path in life will be until I get there, I finally started to see answers I'd been seeking.
When I stopped trying to have all the answers right now and instead began waiting for them to come to me, I could see more opportunities opening up than I could see before.
For example, I was limiting myself considerably in looking for a place to live and afford living on my own to the point I never thought it possible to leave my XABF. When I had no choice but to move and took the chance to leave him, opportunities presented themselves. I had a support system that I didn't know I had. I had far more ability to handle a crisis on my own than I thought I had as well.
When my living situation with a friend went sour, I was able, in a matter of days, to gather support and resources to move, and my expectations of what I needed also changed. Where I once thought I could never be comfortable living, I am content. Where I thought I could never be productive working, I am.
I understand where you are in your quest to understand. I have been there and still work through my codependency issues every day. My reply here is to remind you to keep your heart and eyes open to the answers you seek and they will come to you. Oh..and never say never because you are capable of so much more than you realize!!
Alice
I used to say this as well. I used to say a lot of things that I thought I knew would never work out or could never happen...and you know what...I don't know bupkiss and that is why I ended up where I ended up. I am not God, and I do not know something will work until I try it.
When I finally accepted that I don't know the future and I can't know what my ultimate path in life will be until I get there, I finally started to see answers I'd been seeking.
When I stopped trying to have all the answers right now and instead began waiting for them to come to me, I could see more opportunities opening up than I could see before.
For example, I was limiting myself considerably in looking for a place to live and afford living on my own to the point I never thought it possible to leave my XABF. When I had no choice but to move and took the chance to leave him, opportunities presented themselves. I had a support system that I didn't know I had. I had far more ability to handle a crisis on my own than I thought I had as well.
When my living situation with a friend went sour, I was able, in a matter of days, to gather support and resources to move, and my expectations of what I needed also changed. Where I once thought I could never be comfortable living, I am content. Where I thought I could never be productive working, I am.
I understand where you are in your quest to understand. I have been there and still work through my codependency issues every day. My reply here is to remind you to keep your heart and eyes open to the answers you seek and they will come to you. Oh..and never say never because you are capable of so much more than you realize!!
Alice
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Tulsa, OK
Posts: 72
Originally Posted by wuzzled 
Some days, I just feel like running away! Going where no one knows me, leave my old life behind, and begin a new.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Portland, Or
Posts: 5
I feel this way alot, and dispair when I see myself going through the circular thinking that keeps me traped that. Everyday I dream of being able to get away from this life and make one I'd like better. I really think that's your brain trying to tell you that you need to change things, and alot of times it's easier to create a fantasy world to escape to then to change the reality of your situation.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 1,287
Originally Posted by wuzzled
Some days, I just feel like running away! Going where no one knows me, leave my old life behind, and begin a new. I know that won't ever work, and that I couldn't ever do it, so why do I even entertain the thought. Fantasy world!
For me, I think a big part of it is acceptance.....of myself, of my past and the choices that have gotten me to where I am/who I am today. I'm not perfect....and that's ok....I'm OK........even though I'm bad with decisions and have those codie tendencies! I can't change the past, but I have today and can still make positive changes for tomorrow - at least this is what I try to tell myself when I have weekends like this past one!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: lancaster, PA
Posts: 852
Originally Posted by wuzzled
Some days, I just feel like running away! Going where no one knows me, leave my old life behind, and begin a new.?
Maybe you don't need to move cross country or anything.... perhaps (if possible) maybe a simple 45 min away, to a different 'place' with new people, and things to do, that can help you start over. I know for me, moving only 45 min away would put me at the shore, and it is a drastically different enviornment then the outter city limits that I live around now.
Something to ponder. Granted, we can't run away from ourselves.....but we can ALWAYS re-invent ourselves at anytime. Life IS a journey... paint your OWN landscape, in all of YOUR OWN vivid color, AND location.....
Love,
Cess
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 864
I asked myself all the same questions, and some of the answers when I really looked in me, at me were like duh moments…
I don’t think for one minute I was here by happenstance, and I don’t find many others to be sitting anywhere but exactly where they put themselves through all sorts of reason that in the end will only make sense to them.
I remember the beginning, and the confusion and the sheer amount of input from everyone around. And that input was coming in at amazing speed and from so many different perspectives and the worse was that it wasn’t all that healthy at times….and some of it had agendas…I have an equal amount of those who would tell the truth and kick my ass as those who would outright condone my behavior because then they could justify their own behavior.
At one point I removed all the opinions and thoughts, and went with what I was told by someone who maybe knew me more than anyone ever will and that was to listen to my inner voice because I may complicate the hell out of everything but I do find my answers in time.
I know I am me….just me. I know that all of my reactions are based on that and what I lived through or what I did to survive the worst of times. At times I didn’t know a better way which I didn’t use as an excuse but a learning tool and at others I had such an education already that making the right decision for me was so easy well when I looked within me…
But no decision was easy to make until I found me.
I was reading and reading, sucking up information like a sponge ( and that makes sense because that is me at some core )…and then trying to make it all make sense when it really couldn’t because I didn’t know who I was anymore….I lost me, left me behind and even that makes to much sense now and honestly had nothing to do with my husband’s addiction….
I would question everything and that isn’t even because of the insanity and confusion addiction brings, that is just me as well.
What I did was start back at the beginning of where I knew I fought for years to forget and go from there. I really had no choice the more I started looking at me the more my life would remind of things I tried to forget, of things I didn’t remember at all, and talk about confusion waking up one day and here this movie of memories is playing in your head, but you only have so much and you start to wrestle with the did I deserve, was that normal, who am I….I literally wrote my life out from as far back as I could remember…and my fear had validity and my pain was so much mine not caused by another in the present….I was being ran by my past. My anger made sense but really I wasn’t angry at who I was projecting it to, my resentment was so me a me that maybe scared me some.
But it didn’t make me in the beginning feel any saner, just added confusion….then I started to work it out piece by piece, let it go, forgive me and those around…
I had a lot of days where I wanted to just bolt, sometimes to as far as I could take myself and others into a nice haze of downs and alcohol, and this even now makes so much sense for me. But then as someone else said I would have to take me with me and I was my problem.
I am so grateful for all the people who came into my life who were my best support system…a very eclectic bunch of wonderful souls….
It took a lot of time, and conscious effort to feel ok in my head, in my heart, deep into my soul. This isn’t an overnight thing, and at times it is a learning but only to a point and then the learning is built upon.
Clean out the clutter, let go, heal, find you again and hang on cause the ride is awesome!
I don’t think for one minute I was here by happenstance, and I don’t find many others to be sitting anywhere but exactly where they put themselves through all sorts of reason that in the end will only make sense to them.
I remember the beginning, and the confusion and the sheer amount of input from everyone around. And that input was coming in at amazing speed and from so many different perspectives and the worse was that it wasn’t all that healthy at times….and some of it had agendas…I have an equal amount of those who would tell the truth and kick my ass as those who would outright condone my behavior because then they could justify their own behavior.
At one point I removed all the opinions and thoughts, and went with what I was told by someone who maybe knew me more than anyone ever will and that was to listen to my inner voice because I may complicate the hell out of everything but I do find my answers in time.
I know I am me….just me. I know that all of my reactions are based on that and what I lived through or what I did to survive the worst of times. At times I didn’t know a better way which I didn’t use as an excuse but a learning tool and at others I had such an education already that making the right decision for me was so easy well when I looked within me…
But no decision was easy to make until I found me.
I was reading and reading, sucking up information like a sponge ( and that makes sense because that is me at some core )…and then trying to make it all make sense when it really couldn’t because I didn’t know who I was anymore….I lost me, left me behind and even that makes to much sense now and honestly had nothing to do with my husband’s addiction….
I would question everything and that isn’t even because of the insanity and confusion addiction brings, that is just me as well.
What I did was start back at the beginning of where I knew I fought for years to forget and go from there. I really had no choice the more I started looking at me the more my life would remind of things I tried to forget, of things I didn’t remember at all, and talk about confusion waking up one day and here this movie of memories is playing in your head, but you only have so much and you start to wrestle with the did I deserve, was that normal, who am I….I literally wrote my life out from as far back as I could remember…and my fear had validity and my pain was so much mine not caused by another in the present….I was being ran by my past. My anger made sense but really I wasn’t angry at who I was projecting it to, my resentment was so me a me that maybe scared me some.
But it didn’t make me in the beginning feel any saner, just added confusion….then I started to work it out piece by piece, let it go, forgive me and those around…
I had a lot of days where I wanted to just bolt, sometimes to as far as I could take myself and others into a nice haze of downs and alcohol, and this even now makes so much sense for me. But then as someone else said I would have to take me with me and I was my problem.
I am so grateful for all the people who came into my life who were my best support system…a very eclectic bunch of wonderful souls….
It took a lot of time, and conscious effort to feel ok in my head, in my heart, deep into my soul. This isn’t an overnight thing, and at times it is a learning but only to a point and then the learning is built upon.
Clean out the clutter, let go, heal, find you again and hang on cause the ride is awesome!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Marietta, GA
Posts: 1,453
A while back I posted how someone explained codependency to me, it really helped me and sounds similar to what you are feeling. http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...yesterday.html
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