A Little Worried
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Neptune, New Jersey
Posts: 6
A Little Worried
My 19 year old son's drug of choice was heroin. He just got out of long term residential rehab (again) on Saturday the 17th. The weekend was good. He went to an NA meeting both days. I'm a little worried bcause yesterday he was with his girlfriend (and her sister & her boyfriend who's not good influence) all afternoon into the nite. Took him to adult high school this morning, picked him up on my lunchbreak and took him to my moms house until my husband gets off work. We are not allowing him to be at our house alone.......yet. He's going to a NA meeting 2nite. I'm going to a Alanon meeting 2morrow nite. Probation officer will drug test him on Tuesday, 27th. "One Day At A Time...Sweet Jesus!"
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Hello there, from a former Homdelian ( NJ).
The job of trying to control someone else is enough to challenge your own sanity. I know. I tried with my own daughter, who has the same DOC.
At the end of my own rope, I stumbled upon this forum, while looking for a Sober Living enviornment, for my then 20 year old daughter. The only places I could find only accepted men, or were in horrible neighborhoods in the middle of open air drug markets or had a wait list, a mile long.
What I found here, saved my sanity and changed my life. And it had absolutely nothing to do with finding a sober house, for my daughter.
I respond better to people who tell it like it is, without sugar coating it and tend to respond likewise. And so, know that there is nothing you can do to prevent your son from relapsing, if that is his intent to do so.
It is his choice to socialize with other people who use drugs, or not. At this stage, it likely not the best choice, all things considered. Nonetheless, it is his choice. It's that choice, not the influence, that increases the likelihood of a relapse, especially in a very early stage of recovery, and a court -ordered ordeal, at that.
He owns his addiction and he owns his own recovery. There is absolutely nothing you can do to keep him on the straight and narrow. He has to want it bad enough or fear the consequences enough to do it on his own. Only he can decide if now is the right time, or not.
It's not your job to do for him what he has to do for himself. Sounds like he needs a job or at least something to do, all day. If work is not an option, is there a reason why he could not perform community service work? There are endless opportunities for him to be productive and it looks good on a resume.
Do you have your own boundaries as to what is acceptable to you and communicated the consequences if those boundaries are crossed?
I cannot live with anyone in active addiction. My daughter knew and understood this well enough that she removed herself from the house instead of waiting for me to impose the consequence.
She subsequently used the tools she learned in rehab and got her self clean and just for today, remains so. What happens next is up to her.
The job of trying to control someone else is enough to challenge your own sanity. I know. I tried with my own daughter, who has the same DOC.
At the end of my own rope, I stumbled upon this forum, while looking for a Sober Living enviornment, for my then 20 year old daughter. The only places I could find only accepted men, or were in horrible neighborhoods in the middle of open air drug markets or had a wait list, a mile long.
What I found here, saved my sanity and changed my life. And it had absolutely nothing to do with finding a sober house, for my daughter.
I respond better to people who tell it like it is, without sugar coating it and tend to respond likewise. And so, know that there is nothing you can do to prevent your son from relapsing, if that is his intent to do so.
It is his choice to socialize with other people who use drugs, or not. At this stage, it likely not the best choice, all things considered. Nonetheless, it is his choice. It's that choice, not the influence, that increases the likelihood of a relapse, especially in a very early stage of recovery, and a court -ordered ordeal, at that.
He owns his addiction and he owns his own recovery. There is absolutely nothing you can do to keep him on the straight and narrow. He has to want it bad enough or fear the consequences enough to do it on his own. Only he can decide if now is the right time, or not.
It's not your job to do for him what he has to do for himself. Sounds like he needs a job or at least something to do, all day. If work is not an option, is there a reason why he could not perform community service work? There are endless opportunities for him to be productive and it looks good on a resume.
Do you have your own boundaries as to what is acceptable to you and communicated the consequences if those boundaries are crossed?
I cannot live with anyone in active addiction. My daughter knew and understood this well enough that she removed herself from the house instead of waiting for me to impose the consequence.
She subsequently used the tools she learned in rehab and got her self clean and just for today, remains so. What happens next is up to her.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: San Diego, CA
Posts: 49
Originally Posted by outtolunch 
What I found here, saved my sanity and changed my life. And it had absolutely nothing to do with finding a sober house, for my daughter.
I respond better to people who tell it like it is, without sugar coating it and tend to respond likewise. And so, know that there is nothing you can do to prevent your son from relapsing, if that is his intent to do so.
I respond better to people who tell it like it is, without sugar coating it and tend to respond likewise. And so, know that there is nothing you can do to prevent your son from relapsing, if that is his intent to do so.
It was during this second go around that I found this board and through it found that this was not about her or her addictions, the issue was saving my sanity and regaining control over ME and changing ME.
Alittleworried...keep coming back here, take all you can away from the Alanon meetings and anyother tools you can find, but don't lose yourself in the mean time. Make time for yourself, your husband, family and friends. Don't give up things you enjoy because of your sons needs.
In trying to help our daughter we damn near lost everything else. Our lives became centered around her running away, her wrecking the truck, her stealing...her lies...her court...her counseling...her whatever chaos and drama that was around that particular day.
Wishing the best for you and your family!
Don’t wait until tomorrow, live today celebrate the simple things,
Enjoy the butterfly, embrace the snow, run with the ocean
Delight in the trees, or a single lonely flower, go barefoot in the wet grass.
Don’t wait until all the problems are solved, or all the bills are paid, you will wait forever
Eternity will come and go and you will still be waiting.
Live in the now with all its problems, and its agonies.
With its joy and its pain.
Celebrate your pain, your despair, your anger
It means you’re alive
Look closer, breathe deeper, stand taller, stop grieving the past.
There is joy and beauty.
Today it is temporary, here now and gone.
So celebrate it today.
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