pray4serenity

I just found this website today and am impressed with all the wisdom and compassion I see here. I am trying to have the strength to deal with my adult son who is addicted to opiates. He has been through detox and rehab once but is now worse than ever. I realize I can't do it for him and that he has to want to quit. I know that I have to detach, but he is living with me and I'm not sure how to get him out. He has no job, no car, no relationships, and really no friends to stay with. I shouldn't care but I do. However, he is using right under my nose in my house which is unacceptable to me and also steals anything of value he can get his hands on.
I am a classic enabler and he is able to manipulate me very well. I have started attending al-anon and know I have to get myself well but it's easier said than done. I would appreciate anyone's input on how to set my boundaries and enforce it. Thank you.

outtolunch

I am so sorry to hear about your son. If only our love could cure them.....

The way I figured it, my daughter had absolutely no motivation to change, so long as I continued to provide everything she needed , including stuff to steal. I was reading something similar to my own situation on this forum and one of the responses struck a nerve.....I was enabling her into an early grave and risking my own sanity to do so.

I had to reach my personal rock bottom before I decided I could not live with someone in active addiction. It became an unshakable boundary, for me.

peaceteach

Welcome to SR, Pray4serenity. When I came here I also had a son living at home who was abusing Oxycotin. I quickly realized from reading threads by the more "experienced" parents that my son was heading downhill and taking me with him. And that everything I thought was helpful was actually harmful. I didn't waste one minute stepping up to "the rules" of parenting an addict. Please stick around and read, read, read. There is a wealth of knowledge here. You can start with the "stickies" at the top of the page.

You are not alone by any means. But continuing to provide a safe shelter for an active addict is harmful to both him AND you. I gave my son a deadline for moving out, and then moved that deadline up when he violated my house rules. This has been extremely beneficial for both of us. It was hard, yes, to watch my beautiful son sink so low, but the wise advice here allowed me to give him over to his own higher power and to put my faith in mine. And this has made all the difference in both our lives.

Seren

I completely understand your anxiety and fears for your child. My addict stepson (a young adult) has lost his car, is homeless, is facing 7 counts of check fraud charges and one of crack possession. He was going to meet his father (my husband) at his office today so that he could use Dad's phone and internet to try to find rehab/sober living places.....he never showed and we have not heard from him.

Sadly, our addicts will only turn their lives around when they are ready to do so. I hope that your son will decide to seek recovery and that you can have a peaceful future regardless of whether or not your son is using.

Huge hugs and prayers for you and your son. HG

cherrie1

I am glad you found us but sorry you needed to. You will gain a lot of strength here. I too have a son who is an addict. I was the queen of enabling however I did not realize it at the time. Hopefully you will be able to convince your son he needs residential treatment. Once he is there do not allow him to come home. Make him go to sober living. They don't realize they can not cure this without help. I would set a date and tell him he needs to find treatment by that date or move out but you will no longer support him in this lifestyle. Once they have no where to land they start to straighten out. It is not easy believe me my son has been arrested and in jail trying to support his habit. Best of luck.

BohemiMamaof3

I can't say it any better than they have. Welcome to the board.

pray4serenity

Thanks everyone, I appreciate your kind words and wisdom. It helps to see that others have been there. I like the idea of setting a date to either get into treatment or move out. I know I'm not helping him by sheltering him. I'll keep you updated. Thanks again!

marle

Welcome to SR. You are doing the best thing that you can do for yourself right now. You are attending meetings and posting here. Good for you. Hugs, Marle

teke

hi, welcome, sorry about your son. i'm a recoverying addict with a few yrs of sobriety but it took for my family to take a step back and allow me to suffer the consequences of my own bad choices before i could see how destructive my life had become, causing me to have that "do or die" determination to get help and follow through on the help that i got. as long as i had my family to help supply my basic needs(Food and shelter), i was more able to supply my own drug habit.

oh yeah, i kicked and screamed "nobody loves me no body cares" but in the long run, i realized how much they did care. they chose not to help me to an early grave by not enabling me. i know now how hard it had to be for them and i'm eternally grateful to them for the stance they took. you taking care of you may be what it will take for him to see that he really needs to do the same for himself. i will keep you and your son in my prayers.

Serenity Bound

welcome from another mom of an addict. As Ann said to me "they have other options". My AD was living with me (she's 30) and stepped over a boundary of mine, she then chose to go to a shelter. I'm not going to say it's easy to set boundaries and stick to them, however as we get stronger in our own recovery, it does get easier.

Hugs,
Chris

Spiritual Seeker

do what I did... I kept going to al-anon meetings week after week. You may be surprised if you work it that the change will come for you too. They have mtg. just for parents in my area.
There is NO way NO how you have to have an addict stealing from you in your home. You are accepting the unacceptable. YOU don't have to live like that. Good that you are ready for change. You are living in CRAZYtown and it will make you insane.
It is time to do what it takes to have serenity in your home, life and thinking.

I changed and eventually my addicted son did too, But it began with me.
My son's been sober for 20 mos.